Trying to stay calm when my world is crashing down...

[Depression = 72% of members]

So I posted about 3 weeks ago about a very similar issue and here I am again? With a similar story.  I have come to a point lately where I am so saddened by the way I am treated, and it's getting exhausting.  If the good wasn't so good, I would leave in a heartbeat.  Here's what I am going through:

I am currently 36 weeks pregnant, in what has been a very difficult pregnancy; presumed preeclampsia, preterm labor and hospitalization/bed rest at 31 weeks, and now a breech baby that wouldn't turn with a version. I can only believe that all the issues are a result of the stress my husband has put on me.  well as I was saying, I am 36 weeks pregnant.  I have been released from bed rest this week to a light bedrest as I am now considered full term if the baby comes.  We found out 2 weeks ago that my baby was breech and I have an anterior placenta.   I was scheduled for a manual version to flip the baby.  The problem is that with my placenta where it is, there wAs a higher chance if it ripping and needing and emergency c section, not to mention the procedure itself is painful.  I have felt major anxiety about it.  My husband has a daughter from his previous marriage who is almost 3.  He became upset because our caregiver for her went out of town suddenly and I requested she go back to her mothers a day early, as I am not in a healthy enough place to take care of her full time on my own when I could go into labor at any time.  He took this as a personal attack on his daughter, and for 2 days tried to pick a fight before it hit the fan and that came out.  He calls me a terrible wife and mother and that he has no respect for me, just horrible things to me and my 9 year old daughter. This was yesterday and I was scheduled to be in the hospital this morning for my version.  I left the house and packed up some things to try and remove myself from the situation. He took my house key and told me I am not allowed to come back to the house and I no longer live there.  I cried and pleaded for him to drive me and be there for this version and he let me cry all night and plead with him to be there.  He told me no and I had to drive myself.  He had no problem with me doing this alone.  My blood pressure and pulse were incredibly high that the hospital almost couldn't perform the procedure.  An hour after the process started, he walked in, didn't say a word and sat in the corner texting on his phone. He offered no comfort.  As soon as the doctors told me it was unsuccessful, he walked out without as much as a goodbye. He didn't stay to make sure I was going to be ok or anything. He is telling me again were over and I'm no longer his wife and not to come home or contact him.

This is tearing me apart. This isn't how it should be. I am days away from giving birth and am so sad. I don't know if anyone can really give me advice, because I know how this sounds, but any words of relating, or comfort would be much appreciated right now.

[Sarah83]

So I posted about 3 weeks ago about a very similar issue and here I am again? With a similar story.  I have come to a point lately where I am so saddened by the way I am treated, and it's getting exhausting.  If the good wasn't so good, I would leave in a heartbeat.  Here's what I am going through:

I am currently 36 weeks pregnant, in what has been a very difficult pregnancy; presumed preeclampsia, preterm labor and hospitalization/bed rest at 31 weeks, and now a breech baby that wouldn't turn with a version. I can only believe that all the issues are a result of the stress my husband has put on me.  well as I was saying, I am 36 weeks pregnant.  I have been released from bed rest this week to a light bedrest as I am now considered full term if the baby comes.  We found out 2 weeks ago that my baby was breech and I have an anterior placenta.   I was scheduled for a manual version to flip the baby.  The problem is that with my placenta where it is, there wAs a higher chance if it ripping and needing and emergency c section, not to mention the procedure itself is painful.  I have felt major anxiety about it.  My husband has a daughter from his previous marriage who is almost 3.  He became upset because our caregiver for her went out of town suddenly and I requested she go back to her mothers a day early, as I am not in a healthy enough place to take care of her full time on my own when I could go into labor at any time.  He took this as a personal attack on his daughter, and for 2 days tried to pick a fight before it hit the fan and that came out.  He calls me a terrible wife and mother and that he has no respect for me, just horrible things to me and my 9 year old daughter. This was yesterday and I was scheduled to be in the hospital this morning for my version.  I left the house and packed up some things to try and remove myself from the situation. He took my house key and told me I am not allowed to come back to the house and I no longer live there.  I cried and pleaded for him to drive me and be there for this version and he let me cry all night and plead with him to be there.  He told me no and I had to drive myself.  He had no problem with me doing this alone.  My blood pressure and pulse were incredibly high that the hospital almost couldn't perform the procedure.  An hour after the process started, he walked in, didn't say a word and sat in the corner texting on his phone. He offered no comfort.  As soon as the doctors told me it was unsuccessful, he walked out without as much as a goodbye. He didn't stay to make sure I was going to be ok or anything. He is telling me again were over and I'm no longer his wife and not to come home or contact him.

This is tearing me apart. This isn't how it should be. I am days away from giving birth and am so sad. I don't know if anyone can really give me advice, because I know how this sounds, but any words of relating, or comfort would be much appreciated right now.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[elemental]

  I am so sorry that this very important time in your life you are being subjected to such hurtful and frightening treatment. I am angry on your behalf.

What is plan B for you? Do you have a way to the hospital when labor starts, is someone there ( friend, family member) to sit with you and help you through? Is there a place you can go to after your child is born that will be safe and calm?

[Sarah83]

Thanks, it makes me sad and angry too. I am staying with my parents right now so they will help me with what I need for the baby.  They told me I could stay they're if I needed to after the baby but it's so hard for me to make that final leap. Nowhere else feels like home, and I feel like I have to have my own place and be fully done before making that final cut. This may be it though because he is very adamant about it's over... But he always is. I never know if this time is it so I am constantly living on edge. My mind wonders with thoughts of how he's feeling or what he is doing and it drives me crazy, so I cave and plead for him back. Usually after 4 days and me pleading, it's all better and almost perfect even.  He leaves me teeter tottering over my life and it is incredibly terrifying and painful. He is very controlling and manipulated me into quitting my job and giving up everything regarding my independence so  I have no fallback other than my parents.  It is so stressful for me right now. I can't believe I'm somehow holding it together.

[PacifistMom]

I had a difficult pregnancy too. I could see everything you just explained happening in our family too. It is heartbreaking and exhausting dealing with the outbursts but so much worse when you are trying to stay calm for the new baby in your belly.

My daughter is almost 4 and I believe he is still out of balance because everything changed during pregnancy and the newborn stage and ever since ie a baby takes center stage --- and he loses that place. That's how I see it. Like he is mad because of how much you are thinking of baby now.

Like elemental asked ... . Is there someone else you can lean on now to help you through this? Also, do you know how to meditate or have someone who could help you do that? It could help to bring down your blood pressure.  

So sorry you are going through this mama and YES I can relate and I am sure there are lots of other mamas on here who've been through something like this too.  

[PacifistMom]

Just saw your reply. Glad you have your parents to help you now. If I could have I would have just stayed with my mom til baby was at least 1.

[Sarah83]

It is nice to hear that I am not alone with my experiences. It's hard to talk to my friends because they don't understand what it's like being married to someone with BPD.  I know the advice I would give others, but it is so hard for me to take it. I'm torn between my kids now. I have one that's not his, he has one that's not mine, and this is our mutual baby.  Not only should this be the happiest time of our lives, but I'm afraid if I leave, he will find someone else quickly, (which he would because he's so co dependent, and it would hurt like hell, and it would be another woman around that he will repeat this cycle with. Our cycle is the same as he and his first wife). I don't want my daughter to witness it with someone else, is rather stick it out and be the one subjected to the abuse of she's gonna see it anyways.  Our 2 kids we have now are so close and love eachother like sisters and i know if we split, they won't be around eachother after. He's too spiteful and again, I watched it happen with his first wife and her child.  So what, this baby and his daughter get to grow up together but not my daughter? She will feel awful. I feel like I'm willing to put up with hard times for the kids. It's confusing.  Do you think if I leave him alone and don't contact him, and stay with my parents for a few days maybe he will snap out of it? Or will this trigger his abandonment and he will continue his hatred that he feels so deeply right now? It's like playing with fire either way

[elemental]

I think you should do a 180 on this. You are having health problems and are about to give birth. Your partner can sit on the back burner and soothe himself. Probably a little time alone to contemplate himself and the changes coming in life is a good thing for a few days. Part of his disregulation is probably over the baby and you not being well. Bet a part of him is scared to death right now. What if something happens to you?

It is up to HIM to get control over himself. Your priority right now is to calm and self care and prepare for your baby. I am so glad to hear your parents are there for you. Bless them. Let them help you. Everything else can be sorted out later.  

[AnitaL]

I can relate too... . my situation was not nearly as difficult as yours seems to be, but my uBPDh was at some of his worst episodes during my pregnancies because of how much of the focus was on me and not him.  I too was on bedrest and it was SO difficult.  What I did was have my sister be present at the births because I knew there was a chance he would be absent/unhelpful/nasty and wanted to have someone there who I knew would support me when I needed it.  Staying with your parents sounds like your best option.  I know it is not ideal to be in someone else's home with a newborn, but the important thing is that YOU need to feel supported so you can focus on the baby and your own health and recovery. 

Best wishes to you for a smooth and healthy delivery. 

[Sarah83]

That is what ultimately I know I need to do. The only thing that scares me is him not snapping out of this, and resenting me so badly for leaving.  I don't want our marriage to be over  I feel like I need to be drastic in order for things to change. I never really thought about him feeling like the attention is on me and that is why he has been so upset. He gets very irritable too when my attention is on my daughter or my parents or something. It's odd because he has to have his grandmother who raised him and his dad live with us because he was abandoned as a child and the thought of them not being there in the other room terrifies him. I am nt happy with the living arrangment and I feel like we need to be alone with the kids in order to get better. He gets so resentful every time he feels like I am taking them away and we have had lots of fights over that topic. He very well could be reacting to that. 

I am trying so hard to focus on my health and baby right now, and I'm at my parents house.  He has texted me telling me he doesn't love me and I'm just carrying his child and nothing more and that he doesn't care about me. It is so hard to head, especially when I know he doesn't mean it but he has convinced himself of this right now. It makes me terrified I will lose him so my anxiety takes over... . Mix that with pregnancy hormones and I feel awful

[AnitaL]

Do you think you could tell him that you are concerned about the baby right now and need to stay focused and positive, so therefore will be either turning off your phone/not responding to negative texts, etc. for a certain period of time?   He is trying desperately to engage you in a fight but you do not have to respond!  You do not have to even subject yourself to his negativity.  You have that choice.  He may not snap out of this -- it's true -- but right now you have to focus on yourself so that your health and your baby's health do not suffer.  Can you try to take some deep breaths and focus on your strength and power to nurture another life inside you?  As PacifistMom suggested earlier, meditation or deep calming breaths may help when you feel your bp start to rise.  There are great prenatal yoga DVDs out there with helpful meditations on them that you might even be able to find at your local library. Treat yourself as well as you can.

[elemental]

I hope someone wiser than me will come along and tell you how to handle him. It's hard to tell you to act one way or another, because it is you who is anxious and feeling so bad and has to enforce things.

If I were you, I would text back and tell him that you are thinking of him, and that you are going to settle in for the night and rest. that way he knows you are there, that you are not abandoning, and simply are going to rest because you NEED to.

Don't bother getting sucked into a debate or JADE.

[Sarah83]

I use meditation quite a bit and I really enjoy it.  I'm pretty good at pursuing tools for positive thinking. The mind is a powerful thing and it won't let anybody take it away.  He has stopped texting me and actually tells me he doesn't want me to contact him at all and he is thinking of changing his number. He is trying so hard to hurt me and control me. when he said he didn't love me or care I told him I didn't believe him and I felt he was trying to convince himself of that. I told him that I will always love him regardless if we are together or not. I don't want to hurt him so I'm ok with him hearing that right now. I  thinking of trying to text him tonight to let him know I was thinking of him... Somehow, but I don't know if that a what he wants or not. I don't want him to think he can keep doing this and I am just waiting for his magic words to come home. I want him to miss me, and feel something. I'm not even sure he is capable of feeling remorse... .

[Tobefree]

I don't suppose we are supposed to give advice and I am very new here. I also just wasted 21 years on someone like your husband. Once your baby is born I hope you will take a serious look at the emotional abuse your husband is committing and I do mean committing. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Whatever you decide, this group is here to help. The readings and posts have been a tremendous help to me.

Blessings to you and your baby.

Tobefree

[Lilibeth]

Hi Sarah83. Just want you to know you are not alone. We'll all send you our energies and help you cope with this terribly sad situation.

[Sarah83]

Thank you. I am so broken. I feel trapped with no easy way out. I have a human growing inside and, making my emotions so much stronger, and I feel like I'm not taking care of myself since I can't eat or sleep.  I told my husband I want this baby out of me because I feel like I am hurting her by the sadness and stress. My anxiety is though the roof.  Today, he has now decided to take what I said as I'm suicidal and I'm going to hurt the baby.  He has tried to have me admitted into the hospital to be "sedated until this baby comes."  He has told his whole family that I am trying to hurt the baby and it has spiraled him downward.  He has twisted the knife so many times today but reiterating that our marriage is over and he doesn't love me. He knows how bad this is hurting me. If he is so concerned about the baby, why does he keep doing this. He isn't getting that part at all. I am staying with my parents and I blocked his number as of now from the carrier, so that I can't text him either which seems to start the cycle.  He told me not to think I am ever coming back to the house and that me and my 9 year old daughter are not welcome there.  I hurt so badly.  Will he ever snap out of it? Will it be like this the day my daughter is born? Will he convince himself permanently that he feels this way? This is driving me crazy

[elemental]

Set him aside for now, until after your child is born. I wouldn't text him or talk to him. If you feel the need to communicate, let it go through a 3rd party and confine it to health information and that you are taking the time to calm down and relax and that he will be informed when you are in labor.

Doesn't he have anyone sensible to talk to right now that can help talk him down?

and STOP worrying about soothing him. Your health is important and you need to soothe your own self so you are not engaging in arguing.  I personally would not say another word to the father of my child who was being so nasty at such an important time. he has you constantly worked up. 

[Sarah83]

Yes he sure does. And I would hope his father or grandmother who is like a mom to him, who also live with us right now, would talk him down but it seems as if nobody is.  I am just worried he is going to take the final experience from me just like all the other ones... The birth. I want to kiss him and have him rub me when I'm giving birth, and share this experience as a family.  I am ok with not talking to him, and I do feel that is best, but do you think it's possible for him to come back from this hatred he feels towards me? I am trying to stay calm and talk myself out of the anxious states, but i have so much to think about and it's scary.

[elemental]

Focus on baby

And YES, he can come back from it. BPD flip flop all the time black to white and back again. It's just a matter of between the two of you finding a way to stay calm and such once he gets to that spot again.

[Sarah83]

Thank you. I hope he does. I love him so much. I know I will never get this time back. It's sad, I went from wanting this baby out so bad today cuz of my hormones and stress, to being afraid she will come soon while were fighting. This sucks all around. That def makes me feel better hearing there's hope he can snap out of this