How do we meet a partner where they’re at?
Hmm I'm sure one of the senior members having discussions on the other threads about knowing when to kiss and have sex will chime in here.
I think
zachira had a good idea on this, when she answered on the 'how' of being able to distinguish someone that wants sex with that healthy emotional intimacy ('making love'), versus sex with self-gain / self ish interests ('just having sex'),
Diana Richardson talks a great deal about focusing inside to determine what we are feeling during sex, as more important than trying to read our partner, as a key ingredient for making love versus just having sex.
Perhaps when developing toward healthy sex with a suitable partner, how this is done practically is through the dating process; i.e., getting to know someone intimately without those feelings and thoughts within our selfs getting set off. The moment the mini-committee of bpdfamily seniors we keep in our heads starts knocking, then we might have some flags in the relationship with this person.
To me, an example might help.
If you're looking at dating a man, and they give you a call during booty-call time, without yet having spent that time developing the relationship, then that could be someone interested more in sex, and less in emotional intimacy.
Everyone is different, of course. I doubt people who just want sex (consciously or unconsciously) will communicate that during the dating stage. Therefore, it seems to me that it's about getting to a good-enough proficiency at reading a person's signals to see if that's a match for what you want. Yes, we won't know 100% if our read on them is accurate, but that's the risk you take.
In terms of looking inward, I'd like to think we do those things more
before we get into bed with someone. Why will I have sex with this person, am I looking at myself as the oak or cypress (this sounds better than 'am I sufficiently self-differentiated'), or do I 'need' this person to 'complete me'.
If you are the woman observing this, will you answer the call, and what kind of woman are you likely to be to this man, based on this decision? So therefore,
do women have a say in which type of sex will happen, based on their behaviours? If women can't control the outcome, can they influence the outcome?