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Author Topic: Making love versus just having sex  (Read 399 times)
zachira
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« on: February 16, 2019, 11:02:20 AM »

I have been reading some of Diana Richardson's books on Tantric Sex. She talks about making love versus just having sex. She runs workshops which teach couples how to make love to each other. The first step in loving others is to feel affection for ourselves and then be able to transmit that affection to others. To be able to make love to a partner of the opposite sex, we have to know how making love to a person of the opposite sex will be different from the needs of someone of our own sex. We also have to know very clearly what we want to be able to help our partner who is trying to make love to us. In my experience, most decent heterosexual men get their sexual satisfaction from how much their partner enjoys sex with them. To avoid a partner that does not have the capacity to have a loving relationship, we must be able to distinguish someone wanting us only for sex and/or other self serving needs versus someone who feels genuine affection for us and cares about our well being.



Mod Note: This post was split from What qualities do we have to develop to attract the right kind of partner?
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gotbushels
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« Reply #1 on: February 18, 2019, 06:54:55 AM »

we must be able to distinguish someone wanting us only for sex and/or other self serving needs versus someone who feels genuine affection for us and cares about our well being.
How is this done?
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zachira
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« Reply #2 on: February 18, 2019, 11:02:28 AM »

Gotbushels:
This is done by understanding our inner workings: body sensations and feelings, and staying present in the moment. We understand who we are, and are better able to distinguish between what are put on faces, insincere words and actions of other people. One of the biggest differences between people who are securely attached versus insecurely attached, is the securely attached have an amazing radar for detecting insincerity and manipulative behaviors in others. Diana Richardson talks a great deal about focusing inside to determine what we are feeling during sex, as more important than trying to read our partner, as a key ingredient for making love versus just having sex.
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JNChell
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« Reply #3 on: February 25, 2019, 08:08:22 PM »

I had to think about this for a couple of days before posting. I didn’t quite know how to put myself out there with what I have to say.

I got around when I was younger. Looking back, I wish I hadn’t done that. I gave a lot of myself away. It was often meaningless. No connection. I was never a player and always up front about it, but looking back sex is something that I should’ve placed more value on. Really, if you think about it, it’s a very sacred act. Children are conceived by it.

The best sex that I’ve ever had was in the act of making love. The emotional part amplified the physical act. It was intense. Everything was in tune. We were locked from our eyes all the way down to our toes.

Just having sex is giving oneself away bit by bit IMHO. Being in a situation where it’s making love is where it belongs. The feeling of it alone proves that to me. Just my take on it. Good thread, z.
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gotbushels
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« Reply #4 on: March 01, 2019, 08:35:16 PM »

Gotbushels:
This is done by [...]
Thanks for sharing zachira. What you said makes sense. It seems sincerity contributes to whether sex is (1) making love or (2) just having sex. To me then it seems that sex is a point on a progression in a healthy relationship between people, into which the relationship has had sincerity built into it, over time.

Really, if you think about it, it’s a very sacred act.
[...]
The best sex that I’ve ever had was in the act of making love.
Wow, daring sharing JNChell.     I think sometimes it's okay to want that deep feeling sex and that plain sex at the end of the day.

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JNChell
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« Reply #5 on: March 02, 2019, 01:55:55 AM »

gotbushels, thanks for the belly laugh. Also, I agree. We have a primal side that shows up a lot. Hmm. This is something to think about. How do we meet a partner where they’re at? How do they meet us? How does either side know? Maybe touch is a teller. Maybe the subtle aggressions. Maybe just having a window of time because of children.
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gotbushels
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« Reply #6 on: March 09, 2019, 02:47:57 AM »

How do we meet a partner where they’re at?
Hmm I'm sure one of the senior members having discussions on the other threads about knowing when to kiss and have sex will chime in here.   

I think zachira had a good idea on this, when she answered on the 'how' of being able to distinguish someone that wants sex with that healthy emotional intimacy ('making love'), versus sex with self-gain / self ish interests ('just having sex'),
Diana Richardson talks a great deal about focusing inside to determine what we are feeling during sex, as more important than trying to read our partner, as a key ingredient for making love versus just having sex.
Perhaps when developing toward healthy sex with a suitable partner, how this is done practically is through the dating process; i.e., getting to know someone intimately without those feelings and thoughts within our selfs getting set off. The moment the mini-committee of bpdfamily seniors we keep in our heads starts knocking, then we might have some flags in the relationship with this person.

To me, an example might help.

If you're looking at dating a man, and they give you a call during booty-call time, without yet having spent that time developing the relationship, then that could be someone interested more in sex, and less in emotional intimacy.

Everyone is different, of course. I doubt people who just want sex (consciously or unconsciously) will communicate that during the dating stage. Therefore, it seems to me that it's about getting to a good-enough proficiency at reading a person's signals to see if that's a match for what you want. Yes, we won't know 100% if our read on them is accurate, but that's the risk you take.

In terms of looking inward, I'd like to think we do those things more before we get into bed with someone. Why will I have sex with this person, am I looking at myself as the oak or cypress (this sounds better than 'am I sufficiently self-differentiated'), or do I 'need' this person to 'complete me'.

If you are the woman observing this, will you answer the call, and what kind of woman are you likely to be to this man, based on this decision? So therefore, do women have a say in which type of sex will happen, based on their behaviours? If women can't control the outcome, can they influence the outcome?
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zachira
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« Reply #7 on: March 09, 2019, 11:01:16 AM »

I think we can tell right away if a person is just interested in sex and does not have real affection for us, if we pay attention. A lot of time the craving for love is just so intense, that we overlook all the obvious signs that this person only cares about himself/herself. How a person treats others and how he/she talks about others tell us who this person really is. If we spend enough time with a person in a wide variety of environments, we can certainly see what kind of person we are with if we choose to do so. The obvious sign from the moment we meet the person, is to look at their body language. If there is lying and manipulation going on, the body language will not match with different parts of the body, the voice, and the words. A typical example is when only part of the face is smiling and the rest of the body is pretty stiff.
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JNChell
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« Reply #8 on: March 10, 2019, 08:15:54 AM »

z.

Excerpt
I think we can tell right away if a person is just interested in sex and does not have real affection for u

What if it’s both? I can only speak from my side of things, but I’ve been very sexually attracted upon meeting or being in a group. I don’t pursue it because primal reactions don’t line up with today’s society. Well, I guess there is a sector that holds that belief.

I’m having a hard time on conveying my thoughts. What if the person has real affection and is sexually attracted? The past me would act on it. That has gotten me into hot water more than not. Maybe we should explore those feelings and get to know the person a bit more before acting it out. Sex is a commital act for me. Thing is, is that I’ve put it first to cement things. It was backwards thinking and poor impulse control. I basically pulled the pin on a grenade that eventually blew up.

We have to know who we’re sleeping with. We have to know them well.
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