Angry about friends - 11 months later

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi,

It's been almost a year since my ex-BPD and I split, and it's been great for me.  I was so afraid of being alone, but the peace and tranquility is soo worth it.  I see very little of him - we are in the midst of selling the house we co-own, so once that is sold, our contact will become almost zero.  One thing I've been struck with lately though that I can't seem to get out of is anger that our mutual friends continue to hang out with him, he continues to shower them with gifts and his time and whatever, and everyone just continues along as normal.  I can't seem to resolve my anger with thoughts of understanding for my friends - I understand that what he did to me (or what happened between us) is not about them, I understand that before I was in relationship with him he was a good friend to me and I stayed out of his r/s with other women, and I see that they continue to be friends with me.   Do I want him just to not have friends?  This seems irrational as well.  However, if I hear about him getting together with our friends, I feel angry and almost betrayed.

Has anyone else felt this?  Any suggestions as to how to resolve this?  I don't want to be angry with my friends!   Especially since I don't believe they're doing anything wrong.    Thanks for any thoughts you may have.

H4E

[Healing4Ever]

Hi,

It's been almost a year since my ex-BPD and I split, and it's been great for me.  I was so afraid of being alone, but the peace and tranquility is soo worth it.  I see very little of him - we are in the midst of selling the house we co-own, so once that is sold, our contact will become almost zero.  One thing I've been struck with lately though that I can't seem to get out of is anger that our mutual friends continue to hang out with him, he continues to shower them with gifts and his time and whatever, and everyone just continues along as normal.  I can't seem to resolve my anger with thoughts of understanding for my friends - I understand that what he did to me (or what happened between us) is not about them, I understand that before I was in relationship with him he was a good friend to me and I stayed out of his r/s with other women, and I see that they continue to be friends with me.   Do I want him just to not have friends?  This seems irrational as well.  However, if I hear about him getting together with our friends, I feel angry and almost betrayed.

Has anyone else felt this?  Any suggestions as to how to resolve this?  I don't want to be angry with my friends!   Especially since I don't believe they're doing anything wrong.    Thanks for any thoughts you may have.

H4E

[Want2know]

I had the same thing with a few friends that I was surprised to see them continue to hang out with him.  A few of them even knew that he had physically abused me.  I had to let it go.  As you said, what he did to you is not about them.

It saddened and frustrated me.  Mutual social circles are a strange dynamic.  I found myself drifting from many of our mutual friends as time went on.  In the end, I see that those friendships were in themselves dysfunctional.  

Do you have some friends that do not hang out with him?  Those are the ones I would focus on.  

[Tolou]

Hi,  I can see why you are angry... .

I had that angry to at one point, because I have to see this person at work everyday.  I guess, some of the people are her friends, and other are just co-workers.  I kepy silent about everything that happened and as it happened.  After I left her, she had a break-down, and I went complete N.C.  she ended up painting me black at work, even though she inititially painted most of the co-workers black while befriendign me.  In the end, it isn't their fault, and as I see it.  I am happy that she re-gained them as friends, she needed it more than I did.

The anger about her her bahaviors and etc went away mostly, sometimes they still pass through my mind, but I remind myself, that their disorder, is real... . and they need friends, they were just my co-workers.  So, best thing to do is be cordial with them, and ask yourself what it is you are really angry about.  When you share mutual friendships with a formal lover, it is difficult to expect them to choose sides.  I just made sure to never discuss the relationship with anyone of them, even if she did.  I just let it go, it would have been a way to pull me back in, or try to defend the irrational stuff she was saying, or thinking.