Why do I attract BPD partners?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've been away from the site for a while.  I was getting over a relationship from someone with BPD who broke my heart and smeared me.

I have been in CoDA for several years and recently met a girl in the group who came after me pretty strong.  In the next 2 weeks I started noticing signs of BPD.  Long story short, after multiple freak outs, a love triangle on her side, and abuse, it came to a nasty conclusion last night where she got mad at me, left my condo to drive home drunk, and when I followed her outsidr to deter the reckless behavior, she ran me over with her car door.

I'm wondering why women with BPD seem to always seek me out.  I'm certainly not a narcissist but am codependent and an overly nice guy.  Is that what is appealing?  I ask because I want to stop attracting the insanity to my life.  I understand that dating a fellow 12 stepper is ill advised and I won't make that mistake again. 

Based on her running me over, I told her not to attend the group anymore because she's dangerous and an unsafe person.  I think this was the right move but I'm open to feedback about that.  After some of her rage, I told her I would contact an attorney to file a restraining order of she came to the group.  She said I ruined her recovery and I'm curious if my approach was the right thing to do.  I felt it was necessary having had two undiagnosed BPD partners prior to this one where I've been smeared and threatened, but I certainly want the latest girl to get the help she needs.  I just don't think CoDA is what she needs - and it is holding her back from finding true recovery for BPD through DBT.  Thoughts?

Hurting by this loss but glad I am able to see BPD signs faster now.

[jp254958]

I've been away from the site for a while.  I was getting over a relationship from someone with BPD who broke my heart and smeared me.

I have been in CoDA for several years and recently met a girl in the group who came after me pretty strong.  In the next 2 weeks I started noticing signs of BPD.  Long story short, after multiple freak outs, a love triangle on her side, and abuse, it came to a nasty conclusion last night where she got mad at me, left my condo to drive home drunk, and when I followed her outsidr to deter the reckless behavior, she ran me over with her car door.

I'm wondering why women with BPD seem to always seek me out.  I'm certainly not a narcissist but am codependent and an overly nice guy.  Is that what is appealing?  I ask because I want to stop attracting the insanity to my life.  I understand that dating a fellow 12 stepper is ill advised and I won't make that mistake again. 

Based on her running me over, I told her not to attend the group anymore because she's dangerous and an unsafe person.  I think this was the right move but I'm open to feedback about that.  After some of her rage, I told her I would contact an attorney to file a restraining order of she came to the group.  She said I ruined her recovery and I'm curious if my approach was the right thing to do.  I felt it was necessary having had two undiagnosed BPD partners prior to this one where I've been smeared and threatened, but I certainly want the latest girl to get the help she needs.  I just don't think CoDA is what she needs - and it is holding her back from finding true recovery for BPD through DBT.  Thoughts?

Hurting by this loss but glad I am able to see BPD signs faster now.

[MapleBob]

pwBPD are attracted to codependents, but moreover they're attracted to "good" people. People who will self-sacrifice and expend effort to make them feel good. A person further down the road to not being codependent won't tolerate their behavior for very long - and that sounds like a place that you're reaching, so kudos to you!

As far as the restraining order situation: I think that you would have been better off either A) speaking with your sponsor about what to do about her (assuming you have a sponsor), or B) finding a new group yourself, if at all possible. However abhorrent her behavior may be, you're equally responsible for allowing yourself to become involved with someone in your CoDA group. You finding another group is also using your own agency to get what you need, which is strongly related to CoDA's values. CoDA may or may not be an adequate path to healing for her (it probably isn't), but BPD and being codependent are not mutually exclusive, so she might have as much "qualifier" as you for being there.

(I say that not knowing exactly how your perfectly-justified restraining order against her would affect her ability to attend a meeting if, say, you were there... .It may be that the restraining order would make it redundant for you to have to tell her not to attend there anymore.)

[jp254958]

Thanks for your input.  One problem with finding another group is that I'm a sponsor for two members.  While I could still be their sponsor as a group outsider, it's also beneficial to talk with them before and after meetings.

Hmmm.  This is such a sad, unfortunate situation.  I definitely own up to my responsibility for dating a member though - a mistake I won't make again.

[once removed]

I ask because I want to stop attracting the insanity to my life. 

then the question should be rephrased to "why am i attracted to BPD partners"; people dont have targets on their head that attract a subset of people

i dont think people with BPD are attracted to codependents or "overly nice guys" any more than they are to anyone else. it does make for a legendary bond, however, and for a codependent, the drama, the reliance, the dependency, the never ending dynamic of needing rescue, a codependent may find very fulfilling.

but I certainly want the latest girl to get the help she needs.  I just don't think CoDA is what she needs - and it is holding her back from finding true recovery for BPD through DBT.  Thoughts?

my thoughts are for you. you were abused by this person (run over by a car). the help she needs is not your responsibility.

how are your boundaries? what do they look like in a relationship? why do you consider yourself an "overly nice guy"?

[jp254958]

Well in all cases when I became involved with a BPD spouse, they came after me and came after me hard.  It was very overt and as someone who doesn't do well pursuing others, it was easy to figure out.  It was always very clear that they wanted more than friendship.

So while I am attracted and interested in non-BPD women, it's hard for me to initiate because my self-esteem is low with relationships and pursuing.  I understand that's my issue though and given my history, I need to improve my self-esteem.

I have been called overly nice and I agree insofar as I have been overly empathetic and supportive to the point where it's dysfunctional.  My general demeanor is very friendly and compassionate and I think it's been noticed in past relationships with BPD partners to the point where it almost feels like I was "hunted." 

[once removed]

i can certainly relate. i see it referred to as "nice guy issues" as if theres anything wrong with being a nice guy. there is something unhealthy with being a door mat, which is the common misperception/confusion.

my relationship history is a series of "im attracted to this girl, obviously, but i see obvious red flags, and i feel like i know better. i could really use the confidence boost though, and i dont have the confidence to go for the kind of healthy girls im attracted to. besides, im not sure they get me. in spite of my hesitance, i feel like this girl would get me, because i totally get her." what would follow, from a birds eye view, looks like a game of push/pull between that girl and me that i found myself drawn in by. i felt validated, and confident, every time i would hold back, and that girl would pursue me. if im honest with myself, i was afraid on some level of real intimacy with a healthy person. this dynamic was easier and came more naturally. perhaps you can relate?

youre really onto something in recognizing low self esteem as a prominent issue. i suspect more than one healthy non-BPD woman has given you a look. i can tend to be either intimidated, or write them off as "boring" myself, or just, at the end of the day, a bigger challenge that i wasnt ready for. if you have low self esteem it is likely that on some level, you feel unworthy of a healthy gal. does that ring a bell?

as i said, there is nothing wrong with being a nice guy. as you say, you think you have been supportive to the point where its dysfunctional. any positive quality can reach an excess where it becomes dysfunctional, and it certainly helps to recognize, and build some firm boundaries. there is nothing about being a nice guy that precludes firm boundaries, the ability to say no, to know the difference between support, enabling, and losing ones self. there are challenging personalities that will take advantage of you, especially if you telegraph to them that you are willing to be taken advantage of.

its a great step to take to recognize these issues, and it requires some tough hard introspection. what are you currently doing to address them?

[sweet tooth]

I've asked myself this same question many times :/ The most frustrating thing is when you can feel a mutual attraction to an emotionally healthy person, but that person is already in a relationship. It happens to me frequently... .

[Fr4nz]

I'm wondering why women with BPD seem to always seek me out.  I'm certainly not a narcissist but am codependent and an overly nice guy.  Is that what is appealing?

Yes, that's the point! Co-dependents are perfect partners for BPDs... .

As once removed said, you are perfect because co-dependents are willing to put up with the BPD "craziness"

[hurting300]

Or you could just stop and ask yourself? Why am not picky .