Chance encounter 90 day NC

[forevermagenta]

Today marks ninety days no contact and my ex wBPd and I happen to be at the same grocer this morning.

We didn’t really speak. He was talking to someone else and I was (became) on a mission, but as I walked by, he leaned out and told me it was great to see me. I kept walking although, my heart.

All my attraction to him came flooding back. It is so hard to accept that who he presents to be coexists with all the roller coaster traits of BPD.

Today, I miss him and am struggling not to imagine sharing times with him again. How it could be different. How we could do it better this time. The same old story that I have told myself failingly many, many times- but never with this gap of time between us.

It’s such a thief - BPD. I wish it weren’t so.

[Rev]

Today marks ninety days no contact and my ex wBPd and I happen to be at the same grocer this morning.

We didn’t really speak. He was talking to someone else and I was (became) on a mission, but as I walked by, he leaned out and told me it was great to see me. I kept walking although, my heart.

All my attraction to him came flooding back. It is so hard to accept that who he presents to be coexists with all the roller coaster traits of BPD.

Today, I miss him and am struggling not to imagine sharing times with him again. How it could be different. How we could do it better this time. The same old story that I have told myself failingly many, many times- but never with this gap of time between us.

It’s such a thief - BPD. I wish it weren’t so.

Uck.  I so feel you on this one. 

Not going to say more - cause I'm not thinking you need more "advice".  Sometimes there's nothing more to say but "this ... really... sucks!"

I have not seen my ex for over a year and not actually spoken to her for 18 months. And yet, my divorce came through this week (finally!) and ... I had a similar reaction. I honestly don't know what I would do today if I sat in front of her. I don't want her back, but what she took, whether she "meant to" or not - I would like it back.

Yes...  BPD and a relationship with someone who suffers from it, that steals something from you that you can replace, but never really get back.

Big hugs.

Rev

[khibomsis]

with y'all on that one! 

[forevermagenta]

Yeah. All of that.

What I mean by BPD stealing was intended to mean how this condition steals their ability to have mature relationships. It could be so good! Except that it can’t! (Without a lot of work, which in my situation, is not feasible.)

I believe, on a deep level, I still love him or, at least, who he became with/for me. And who I was with him (the good times, not the completely stressed/fearful times). And I also feel very hooked on the sense of recognition I felt - of a difficult past that I sensed in him more than maybe any other relationship.

It’s hard letting go. And ironically a few days ago I noted that 90 days was coming up and I felt amazed how he no longer had an effect on me.

On the plus side, I was worried about him raging at me when we inevitably crossed paths. I was bracing myself for some kind of public display. Seeing him today, rekindled feelings aside, does give me *hope* that I can move about my day without fear of a more verbally abusive encounter. That he is (maybe) high functioning enough to not reveal himself publically like this.

[Rev]

What I mean by BPD stealing was intended to mean how this condition steals their ability to have mature relationships. It could be so good! Except that it can’t! (Without a lot of work, which in my situation, is not feasible.)

Yes - that is so true too.  I can't remember where I read this - but a P.O.V. that I resonate with is that with every attachment issue or personality disorder, lies a window of choice, however narrow, to trust in that relationship.

What is so sad, is that for time, however brief, that connection is real.  And on an intuitive level, I have a feeling that the more brief the connection, the deeper it is driven into the non-BPD person. It's like an anchor that will never really hold.

Great reflection. 90 days is a great first start. You'll cycle around and around until the cycling stops.  

Thank you for sharing this.

Rev