BPD & Anger Issues

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I had noticed within weeks that my exbf had 'anger' issues. He would quickly apologise too, but the anger was for unreasonable things. Slowly the apologies would come only after my apologies - but sounded insincere.

It was ALWAYS when I did/said something or if i din't do something or kept silence.

For instance: Most often if i would keep silence when we were out.

What was your experience w.r.t Anger?

[stop2think]

I had noticed within weeks that my exbf had 'anger' issues. He would quickly apologise too, but the anger was for unreasonable things. Slowly the apologies would come only after my apologies - but sounded insincere.

It was ALWAYS when I did/said something or if i din't do something or kept silence.

For instance: Most often if i would keep silence when we were out.

What was your experience w.r.t Anger?

[danley]

I noticed the anger issue within the first year. It was gradual but there. He would get upset over things such as me not agreeing with him, or me saying how I felt on something he did that offended me, or he would get hypersensitivity from certain things people say or do. Instead of telling them off he would go off on me instead. It was weird because I had mentioned his anger problem and he would brush me off. But I know he knew he had a problem with it because he had admitted to me that he gets angry at life and takes it out on his kids. No physical abuse but just getting impatient and short because of his anger. He said he didn't like it and he needed to stop. But of course,  anybody can talk the talk.

Sometimes he would over dramatize a disagreement. We'd be mid talking and he would get so angry and accuse me of making a scene. He'd say people were watching and listening. But I'd be puzzled because the closest person was probably 5 blocks away. He'd say I was being loud but I wasn't. He would get angry when I'd talk calmly.  It would push him over the edge. When he was extremely angry he would do the silent treatment.

He would walk around with the happiest disposition but nobody knew the fire he had flaming inside him. He would reserve his self hate onto me. But to everyone else he'd act like a prince. When I pointed out the difference in treatment he would deny it. But then I noticed he'd do it more.

My ex wasn't physical angry. He never hit or broke things. But the psychological effects on me from his anger was more than enough. I'm the type of person who's care free and love peace chicken grease. This would anger him more for some reason. I think it was because I wasn't validating his anger or issues enough. At times I'd try to talk sensibly to him. But after so many out bursts it gets frustrating. He would want me to agree with anything he said and didn't wanna hear my side or how I felt. Well, Too bad. The 5 year old tantrum act gets old quick.

[ObiRedKenobi]

My ex had some real anger issues and at least with me lacked any kind of restraint so her anger outbursts would get worse and worse. It first started to show up about three months in. It escalated exponentially rather than in a linear fassion. I guess thats how quickly she broke down my bounderies or rather how quickly I let her break them down.

[mitchell16]

my exBPDgf has extreme anger issues. Could never be predicted when or where or what would set it off. It first showed up about 6 or 8 weeks into teh relationship. I should have seen it as a red flag then but she quickly turned it around on me and I believed her. I remember thinking then how unreasonable her anger was for the sitution. The sitution was I had come home, cooked for us. She called said she was on her way home for work she would see me shortly. It takes about 1.5 hours for us to drive home from work. at the 2 hour mark I started to get a little concerned, maybe car trouble, accident who knows. So I called her on her cell I got no answer. Wasnt nothing to do but wait. When she got home I asked her what took her so long. She went into this big dramatic explaination about how she missed her turn and had to drive so many miles out of her way to get the next turn. The story just didnt make sense, I know the road really well. I said to her that didnt make any sense. Never accused her or even thought she was up to anything shady. It just didnt make sense to me. I thought I had missed something in her explanation She exploded with a rage I had never saw in anybody for nothing. She started in with you are accsuing me of stuff and your just like my daddy and I cant be in a relationship with someone who accuses me and doesnt trust me and blah, blah blah and it ended with me saying I was sorry.she wouldnt even let me explain what i meant. I was just shell shocked. I should have ran then but I didnt because she made me think I did something wrong. So i wanted to make it right. Thats just one incident. As far as her ever saying she was sorry for anything she would but it was never, never for her actions it was always for what her actions caused. If she raged at me I might get a text saying Im sorry I hurt your feelings but she would never say she was sorry for what she did or said. Once she said she was sorry for screaming at me but she then said it was my fault for making her so mad. LOL

[tailspin]

s2t,

My ex could never figure out why he was so angry and his parents even sent him to anger management classes.  Some of our ex's learned how to "control" their anger; I know mine did.  His rages were infrequent and as a result of powerful triggers from his childhood.  However, these rages spun him into a cycle of the silent treatment, indifference, detachment, and then re-cycle.

BPD doesn't allow for self soothing, self reflection, or self control.  Without a sense of self... . doing these things isn't possible.

Anger masks pain, and unless those suffering are able/willing to unmask this pain, the anger will continue.

tailspin

[Mutt]

I had noticed within weeks that my exbf had 'anger' issues. He would quickly apologise too, but the anger was for unreasonable things. Slowly the apologies would come only after my apologies - but sounded insincere.

It was ALWAYS when I did/said something or if i din't do something or kept silence.

For instance: Most often if i would keep silence when we were out.

What was your experience w.r.t Anger?

My STBX has anger issues. I saw it in the first month of dating and I should of listened to my inuition because her reaction didn't justify the issue. She was over the top. I'll listen to my gut feelings the next time.

During our honeymoon she had anger outbursts although not as frequent as later in the relationship. She would apologize for her actions,  but that stopped after the honeymoon and she very rarely apoligized later. She only did so if I was split white. I was with her for 8 years and the honeymoon ended in the first 6 months and I had always longed to get back to that stage where she would actually come back to me and apologize or explain why she angry. It never happened and things only got worse from there.

[mitchell16]

while reading the post. I just remebered something my exBPDgf said on numerous occasions after her temper tantrums/raging she would say " i dont know why I do this I dont do this with anybody else but you" I took it as in other words it was my fault it must be something Im doing wrong. huh

[Lucky Jim]

Agree with you tailspin: underneath their anger is suffering, yet my BPDexW could never face the source of her suffering, so the anger just continued unabated.  Most nights, towards the end of our marriage, she would drink a 12-pack of Coors Light after our children had gone to bed, and then rage, rage, rage.  I would take walks at night to get out of the house.  When I returned, sometimes I found all my business suits in a pile in the front yard, or the lights turned off and the door locked, with the result that I became a regular at a local motel.  Not fun to remember those dark days of her constant anger, which was all-consuming.  In my view, it's a major problem for those w/BPD.  Lucky Jim

[ObiRedKenobi]

while reading the post. I just remebered something my exBPDgf said on numerous occasions after her temper tantrums/raging she would say " i dont know why I do this I dont do this with anybody else but you" I took it as in other words it was my fault it must be something Im doing wrong. huh

She never said this but I said similar to her. "You wouldn't dare treat anyone else the way you treat me why do you think its ok to treat me this way?"

[musicfan42]

My BPD ex got angry when I didn't say what he wanted to hear. For example, he had a lot of problems in his life and I'd basically be like "what are you going to do about them?" I didn't have a lot of sympathy because his problems were all self-inflicted and a result of him being impulsive and not being able to think through the thing and actually realise that there's consequences. I'm a straight talker and I've encountered people who don't take well to hearing the truth. It's unfortunate that they can't handle constructive criticism... . very sad for them but obviously no skin off my back.

I disagree with the idea of having to validate someone's actions all the time because there's times when I fundamentally disagree with what someone is doing. People shouldn't be praised for every single little good thing they do-if anything, I feel that feeds into the demanding nature of BPD. I felt that my BPD ex was like a spoiled brat, trying to get his own way all the time and honestly, it's a real shame that his parents didn't set him good rules/boundaries as a child because it's obviously messed up his entire life. Of course he has to be responsible for his actions however I can't help but feel that he's just "damaged goods"... . doomed for failure from the word go and that no matter how much therapy he gets, he'll never be totally "normal"... . it'll always be like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole really.

[stop2think]

while reading the post. I just remebered something my exBPDgf said on numerous occasions after her temper tantrums/raging she would say " i dont know why I do this I dont do this with anybody else but you" I took it as in other words it was my fault it must be something Im doing wrong. huh

She never said this but I said similar to her. "You wouldn't dare treat anyone else the way you treat me why do you think its ok to treat me this way?"

I always thought the same to myself. Why is it that he is the only person who i argue with so much and yells at me. I would look for even the smallest windows to escape while i was travelling solo - i loved the independence. How ironic, now when he is left me and i am free from all the controlling and circular arguements and his rages and my crazy reactions - i feel empty at times.

[mitchell16]

well that staement my exBPDgf made was further proof that she is BPD and the intimacy of the relationship and I were a trigger. She never acted that way with friends. I asked her once when she was mad at me which was almost all the time. When she was mad she couldnt say anything emotional to me for days after she blew up. But she would get on the phone with her freinds and tell them every time they talked which was about twice a day that she loved them. I asked why she couldnt say that to me. She said " it was not real with them I can take them or leave them". She has no intimacy with them and so they are not a trigger. also I think deep down inside she knew they wouldnt put up with that stuff would stop being her freind. She tested me very slowly to see what i would tolerate. I proved to her that I could stand alot of abuse. After each test I stayed and they kept esculating, until a point I couldnt take and I would leave . and then it would again be my fault. so she never lost it was always a win win for her.