Breaking up..

[webarach]

I'm new here... broke up with my bf of 2.5 years whom I suspect has BPD 5 days ago. I have moments where things feel great and moments of complete panic. I have moments where I recognize his actions as symptoms of the PD and moments where I'm terrified that maybe I'm delusional and really I have BPD.

He's out of town and I've moved all of my stuff out. I was supposed to go with him on this holiday weekend trip. He keeps telling me that he didn't want me to leave and that he wishes I was traveling with him. He's resistant to any conversations about settling finances or any logistics. His good family friend's mother just died while he's been at their house. So today is an especially hard day.

I broke up with him after he screamed at me at the top of his lungs aggressive and mean things. That kind of behavior is not unusual for him and he feels justified in doing it, even in the instances where he's apologized from what he's said. Lots of cursing at me, lots of saying the meanest things ANYONE has ever said to me, lots of name calling. Some physical altercations as well, pushing and shoving. I've also engaged in some of these desperate actions. These are specifically the things I've tried to set boundaries with and have failed. He also accuses me of BPD traits, using related terms even before I ever knew what they meant. He says a therapist has said his mom sounds borderline and also that his last ex was borderline.

I've been reading The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder and had begun using some of the tactics in the book. In fact, I had resolved to not make a decision about breaking up until after I had read the book and tried out some things. I've just recently learned about BPD. But unfortunately, that didn't happen.

We've been through multiple cars hitting our building (yes, multiple), 2 dogs dying, 2 funerals, a family member's OD, a job change, and a myriad other things. I genuinely love him. This is killing me. It's too much. My head is swimming and I'm completely lost. And about to enter a serious bout of depression I fear. I don't know what to do. I'm not sure what I'm looking for right now. But I need some sort of guidance.

I had considered telling him that I think he might be BPD but then decided against after reading up on that. I wish I could be a part of his support system to help him and see him get better. I obviously also need to get better.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[onelittleladybug]

Hi Webarach and

I'm sorry for what brought you here but I'm glad you're with us.  It sounds like you have been through a lot. Its understandable to feel overwhelmed.

I have moments where I recognize his actions as symptoms of the PD and moments where I'm terrified that maybe I'm delusional and really I have BPD.

Well youre certainly not alone here, this is not an uncommon feeling for those of us who love a person with BPD. You will see from reading the posts here that you are far from alone.

I genuinely love him. This is killing me. It's too much. My head is swimming and I'm completely lost. And about to enter a serious bout of depression I fear. I don't know what to do. I'm not sure what I'm looking for right now. But I need some sort of guidance.

It sounds like you are exhausted yet conflicted about your choice of ending the relationship. Did I read that right? Its not only ok but perfectly normal under the circumstances to feel that way. We will support you whatever your final decision is without any judgment. This place has helped me immensely with my own decisions and improving communication with my person with BPD.

I had considered telling him that I think he might be BPD but then decided against after reading up on that.

For what its worth I think you made the right decision. I know it feels compelling to bring out the issues, Ive been there. It took me a long time to understand why its better to hold off with that discussion. Im impressed you got it so early on in your discovery.

I wish I could be a part of his support system to help him and see him get better.

That is not entirely impossible. But... .

I obviously also need to get better.

This is the most important thing for you to focus on now. Im concerned as you mentioned you are feeling severely depressed. Are you in therapy or do you have any options available to you to attend to your own emotional health?

Relationships can be challenging enough without the issues that come with BPD. Its very common for loved ones to experience depression. Its crucial to take care of yourself first.

Keep us posted, ask any questions you have and feel free to share anything thats on your mind. Breaking up is so hard, especially when you still love the person. We are here for you

[webarach]

Thanks for the kind words. My desperation over the situation comes in waves, especially if I'm having a hard time shifting focus when my mood shifts. Then I just start thinking about how much I just want a loving hug from my loving boyfriend. And how much I just want to be in my/our home.

Our relationship has become unmanageable so I definitely think moving out is the right call. I'm still not sure about NC or what. What I'm afraid might happen is that I won't go NC and then I'll just be hurt and confused again. I'm going to do my best to keep a clear head, take care of myself, and set my boundaries. I'm just worried that I'll feel like a failure if it doesn't work. Maybe I need to define what "working" means for me?

I do have a therapist, she's actually the one who pointed me towards the possibility of BPD. Which is huge. Without that, I think I'd still be confused, scared, and not leaving. I think my brain just works that way, I have to have a root cause to really ground myself. Guess I need to do a better job of trusting my emotions and instincts. I guess it's especially hard to watch someone have no insight into how their behavior is damaging to themselves and those around them and maintain some level of trust in yourself that you're more self-aware than to be doing the same.

[onelittleladybug]

Then I just start thinking about how much I just want a loving hug from my loving boyfriend. And how much I just want to be in my/our home.

I know how that feels. It really hurts.
 

I'm still not sure about NC or what. What I'm afraid might happen is that I won't go NC and then I'll just be hurt and confused again. I'm going to do my best to keep a clear head, take care of myself, and set my boundaries.

There are a few threads on here that are really useful when trying to decide on NC or LC (little) or whatever degree or amount of contact you are comfortable with. Ive found this article very helpful to identify the pros and cons of NC: https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way
 
Personally Ive struggled with NC most of all because I wasnt truly ready to end the relationship or I needed more time. I wasnt aware until recently that I am allowed to ask for a Time Out or a Break and to use that time to feel grounded and regain some balance and perspective. Its good to have choices and not feel cornered into one option if that choice doesnt feel 100% right to me. Weighing your options can lead you in a different direction or it can help you feel better about your original decision.
 

I'm just worried that I'll feel like a failure if it doesn't work. Maybe I need to define what "working" means for me?

Yes! Sorry to get excited but you just nailed it right there. That is exactly the best thing you can do.
 

Guess I need to do a better job of trusting my emotions and instincts.

There is always room for improvement and refining but I would say you are well on your way. You are in therapy, you are educating yourself about the disorder, you came to this board and most importantly you are paying attention to yourself and your emotions. All of these are really good choices and taking good care of yourself.
 

In fact, I had resolved to not make a decision about breaking up until after I had read the book and tried out some things. I've just recently learned about BPD. But unfortunately, that didn't happen.

It sounds to me like you had intended to learn about BPD and give it some time before making a final choice, but then something happened that rushed you into a decision. Did I read that right?
 
Feel free to share anything you want when you are ready. If you read up on threads and really dig into it going back in time you will see there isnt much that hasnt already surfaced here and we practice no judgment.

[webarach]

Yes, I was planning to wait to make a decision and had developed some compassion for what he was going through. I thought that if I could successfully diffuse and disengage with my newly learned knowledge and skills, I could know for certain if I could manage being in the relationship.

We had a wonderful day filled with fun activities, pool time, and family. It was a day that reminded me what I liked about him and reminded me how good it could feel to be with him. On the way home, we got into a bit of an argument and out of nowhere, it escalated to me being pushed down and called names. My jaw literally dropped as I just watched this happen. I was shocked even in the midst of behavior that was not uncommon. It was almost like the more clear I maintained my own thoughts and perspective, the more alarming and incongruent his behavior seemed. When I asked him if he was proud of what he had done, he said no and then asked me if I was proud of what I had done, instantly deflecting responsibility. It escalated from there. He left for a couple of days.

Fast-forward another week, and I found myself in another existential crisis for our relationship when it really should have just been a small quip. It escalated to him leaving again, pretty quickly, and then I found myself being on the phone with him telling him, I'm not arguing with you, I understand how you might feel that way, I'm sorry, my intention wasn't to hurt your feelings, I love you, can we please de-escalate this and enjoy each other's company? And telling him not to yell at me as he screamed at the top of his lungs at me all of the things I had tried to set boundaries on. I hung up but the aggression and conflict didn't stop.

So a couple of days later, when there was no accommodation from him as to me being tense and jumpy about everything and he continued to argue with EVERYTHING I said, I couldn't take it anymore and ended it.

This is all so terrible. I genuinely believe that my ex is a good person and, if given a more functional childhood, he would be a healthy individual making healthy choices. I'm angry at the idea that I have to figure out and work on what I did wrong to get myself in this situation. I loved someone and gave them the benefit of the doubt, like I hoped someone would be able to do with me. There's nothing wrong with that.