Then I just start thinking about how much I just want a loving hug from my loving boyfriend. And how much I just want to be in my/our home.
I know how that feels. It really hurts.
I'm still not sure about NC or what. What I'm afraid might happen is that I won't go NC and then I'll just be hurt and confused again. I'm going to do my best to keep a clear head, take care of myself, and set my boundaries.
There are a few threads on here that are really useful when trying to decide on NC or LC (little) or whatever degree or amount of contact you are comfortable with. Ive found this article very helpful to identify the pros and cons of NC:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way Personally Ive struggled with NC most of all because I wasnt truly ready to end the relationship or I needed more time. I wasnt aware until recently that I am allowed to ask for a
Time Out or a
Break and to use that time to feel grounded and regain some balance and perspective. Its good to have choices and not feel cornered into one option if that choice doesnt feel 100% right to me. Weighing your options can lead you in a different direction or it can help you feel better about your original decision.
I'm just worried that I'll feel like a failure if it doesn't work. Maybe I need to define what "working" means for me?
Yes! Sorry to get excited but you just nailed it right there. That is exactly the best thing you can do.
Guess I need to do a better job of trusting my emotions and instincts.
There is always room for improvement and refining but I would say you are well on your way. You are in therapy, you are educating yourself about the disorder, you came to this board and most importantly you are paying attention to yourself and your emotions. All of these are really good choices and taking good care of yourself.
In fact, I had resolved to not make a decision about breaking up until after I had read the book and tried out some things. I've just recently learned about BPD. But unfortunately, that didn't happen.
It sounds to me like you had intended to learn about BPD and give it some time before making a final choice, but then something happened that rushed you into a decision. Did I read that right?
Feel free to share anything you want when you are ready. If you read up on threads and really dig into it going back in time you will see there isnt much that hasnt already surfaced here and we practice no judgment.