Adult temper trantrums

[LilMomma]

Hi all, I'm new here. Other then my intro this is my first post.

I have been with my common law partner for over seven years, and we're expecting our first child in a few months. There have been issues for such a long time. Most of which, He is insecure, has a short fuse, doesn't like to hear no, takes everything I say the wrong way and puts words in my mouth. Honestly, I feel pretty hopeless. I don't want this behavior around my child and I'm afraid it won't stop. His whole family are like this. The sky is always falling, and nothing is a positive experience.

Today, we had yet another argument. He makes decisions and I have zero say in them. If I try to have an opinion, its like a childish tantrum ensues. I can't have a conversation with him, because he just hears the parts he wants, and then puts words in my mouth that I didn't even say. Then he gets defensive over what he "thinks" I'm saying. He wears me down so bad, I get frustrated and tell him to stop being a jerk, because I don't deserve it. Then from there, the whole argument is my fault because I called him a jerk and he says that's when the argument started. He conveniently forgets all the attitude, snappiness and condescension he dishes out to me prior to me calling him a jerk.

He has admitted in the pat to acknowledging this behavior, but it seems the closer we get to the birth of the baby, the more any progress we made is undone. Just don't know where to go from here. Even our therapist of 1.5 years has split us up into individual sessions because she hasn't been able to help us.

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[maxsterling]

Welcome, LilMomma.  I certainly understand what you are going though.  "Temper tantrums" are a way to describe what we deal with from a person with BPD.  And even though "temper tantrum" is probably not a very constructive phrase, the mechanism is probably very similar to what you would see from a 3-5 year old. 

I can share a couple of interesting stories:

One day, my GF asked me if I had temper tantrums when I was a kid.  I said, "no, not to my knowledge."  She then asked if I thought she had temper tantrums as a kid, and I replied, "yes."  Ooops.  Wrong answer.  She then questioned why I thought that.  I said, "well, because most kids do, so I assumed."  And she replied, "oh, I thought it was because I have temper tantrums as an adult   ."

And it's true.  Her behavior is much the same way as you describe your partner.  Always having to win.  No chance for an "adult" conversation much of the time.  She's asked me if I think she is "immature" or "childish" (she thinks she is).  Last weekend, she was on the sofa, crying, screaming, flailing her arms and legs, as I tried to figure out what was wrong.  Other times, she acts like a 15 year old arguing with her parents.  "I don't want to do this!" "Uhhh!  That's so unfair!"

BPD is often described as an emotional immaturity, so this kind of behavior is expected.  And I think even with intensive therapy, there will always be some amount of this.  We all act childish or immature at times, so to expect a pwBPD to learn to completely control their emotions is a game that can't be won.   I think the ultimate goal is for us nons to come to an acceptance of this is who they are and learn to work with it and not let it drag our lives down.

[formflier]

Welcome to this forum.  You have found a good place to work through issues exactly like what you are facing.  Without a doubt... . this forum is a big piece of how I "handle" the situation.

Please keep coming back.  Post the negative stuff and the positive.  Sometimes just as important to reinforce "good behavior" as it is to set a boundary and deal with bad.

I'm a bit new hear... . so please take that into account when considering my advice.  But... .    I would focus on learning about setting boundaries with pwBPD.  DO NOT set a boundary before you are ready to keep it.  Setting a boundary and "caving in" on it is much worse than letting things stay status quo.  So... . think it through and go slow... . one boundary at a time.

Then... . spend some time thinking about the life you want to have for your child.  I'm not at all suggesting which way to go?  Do you have other children?  In my case I'm being strong not only for myself... . but for my children.  I am convinced I am trying to stop a 4th generation of personality disorder people from walking the earth from this family.  That gives me strength and clarifies my priorities.  Your priorities will be attacked... . be ready.

Hi all, I'm new here. Other then my intro this is my first post.

I have been with my common law partner for over seven years, and we're expecting our first child in a few months. There have been issues for such a long time. Most of which, He is insecure, has a short fuse, doesn't like to hear no, takes everything I say the wrong way and puts words in my mouth. Honestly, I feel pretty hopeless. I don't want this behavior around my child and I'm afraid it won't stop. His whole family are like this. The sky is always falling, and nothing is a positive experience.

Today, we had yet another argument. He makes decisions and I have zero say in them. If I try to have an opinion, its like a childish tantrum ensues. I can't have a conversation with him, because he just hears the parts he wants, and then puts words in my mouth that I didn't even say. Then he gets defensive over what he "thinks" I'm saying. He wears me down so bad, I get frustrated and tell him to stop being a jerk, because I don't deserve it. Then from there, the whole argument is my fault because I called him a jerk and he says that's when the argument started. He conveniently forgets all the attitude, snappiness and condescension he dishes out to me prior to me calling him a jerk.

He has admitted in the pat to acknowledging this behavior, but it seems the closer we get to the birth of the baby, the more any progress we made is undone. Just don't know where to go from here. Even our therapist of 1.5 years has split us up into individual sessions because she hasn't been able to help us.

[LilMomma]

Thanks for the reply guys!

Sorry I used the term Temper Tantrum, but I'm just calling the kettle black. If I had patience right now, perhaps I could learn to use "proper" terminology, but I'm 7 months pregnant stuffed like a turkey, was diagnosed with GAD and cannot take medication for it, plus the pregnancy hormones, I'm barely scraping by as it is. Handling my partner with kid gloves is not working for me anymore. (BTW - I have never had issues with anxiety prior to this relationship)

For example, We tend to be negative thinkers. Something we go to therapy for. I have been having bad anxiety today, and am trying to work through it, all the while he is cursing at his computer out of frustration. I simply ask for him to try to relax because his vibes aren't helping me with my anxiety. What does he hear? He hears me telling him hes doing something wrong, and he gets defensive and starts getting pissy. The more I try to calmly explain, the more defensive he becomes and we end up in an argument.

My question is, I just accept this behavior, chalk it up to BPD, and suffer? He is out of control of his emotions. He recognizes this behavior in his siblings etc, but never in himself. If therapy isn't helping, and I'm out of ideas, what to do next? Give up or put up?

Sorry for any typos!

[formflier]

I have been at a very similar place.  I'm a male... . so not talking about pregnancy issues!

Anyway the BPD thing is very frustrating... . if you look at some of my other recent posts... . two weeks ago I was feeling like  I had this thing licked... . and was making progress... . and then my world came crashing down again.  Took me  a while to gain perspective on it... . and not claiming I have the right perspective now... . but I'm working on it.

So... . the biggest thing that I want to compliment you on is that you seem to be introspective... . you seem to be able to think and express what you are and you aren't feeling.

This is an important capability because it allows you to take an honest look at the only variable you really have control over... . yourself.

I think that you correctly described a "pattern of behavior" that you can end.

The more I try to calmly explain, the more defensive he becomes and we end up in an argument.


What about the above statement do you control? 

A follow up... . what do you think will happen if you change the variable that you control?


Hope you enjoy the test!  

Learning this lesson was huge for me... . but it took a change in mindset to get there.

I'll be back later to check your answers! 

Thanks for the reply guys!

Sorry I used the term Temper Tantrum, but I'm just calling the kettle black. If I had patience right now, perhaps I could learn to use "proper" terminology, but I'm 7 months pregnant stuffed like a turkey, was diagnosed with GAD and cannot take medication for it, plus the pregnancy hormones, I'm barely scraping by as it is. Handling my partner with kid gloves is not working for me anymore. (BTW - I have never had issues with anxiety prior to this relationship)

For example, We tend to be negative thinkers. Something we go to therapy for. I have been having bad anxiety today, and am trying to work through it, all the while he is cursing at his computer out of frustration. I simply ask for him to try to relax because his vibes aren't helping me with my anxiety. What does he hear? He hears me telling him hes doing something wrong, and he gets defensive and starts getting pissy. The more I try to calmly explain, the more defensive he becomes and we end up in an argument.

My question is, I just accept this behavior, chalk it up to BPD, and suffer? He is out of control of his emotions. He recognizes this behavior in his siblings etc, but never in himself. If therapy isn't helping, and I'm out of ideas, what to do next? Give up or put up?

Sorry for any typos!

[LilMomma]

Umm... . Stop trying to explain I meant no harm? I know that me explaining can also come off as me being definsive in his mind. I just want him to know, where I stand. That, it is ok for me to ask for mutual respect, and simply suggest he try not to yell at his computer when I am having anxiety. I guess I need to remember that he not not like everyone else, and when he is wearing his negative filters, he only hears what his brain tells him I am saying. Its pretty hard to expect rational from an irrational person.

It feels like, If I just let him be, twiddle my thumbs and do nothing, that while I'm not getting what I need from the relationship, I am keeping myself out of his line of fire. There has to be a way around this... It feels like I'm shooting myself in the foot.

[formflier]

Yes... . you got it!

Explain once... . or communicate once... . and then let it go.  The other part that I recommend you think about is take a bit of a pause before you explain or communicate... . so that you really understand what you want to say.

I had to learn this lesson... . and I will tell you that my nature is one where I like to "think outloud" and "revise and extend my remarks"... . people say I'm very "wordy".

To a BPD person... . the argument seems to be what they crave... . we should not feed unhealthy BPD cravings. 

Also realize that I am still a bit new here... . others that are more senior may have better advice.

But for me... . saying it once... . and moving along... . was huge.  And it did make a difference by helping to drop the temp in the house. 

There are many more steps for me and for you to take... . but the good news is that you have identified a big one.

Please role play this in your mind before attempting... . then come back and let us know how it went.

Warning:  It may feel unatural or forced... . this will get better after you are more practiced.

Umm... . Stop trying to explain I meant no harm? I know that me explaining can also come off as me being definsive in his mind. I just want him to know, where I stand. That, it is ok for me to ask for mutual respect, and simply suggest he try not to yell at his computer when I am having anxiety. I guess I need to remember that he not not like everyone else, and when he is wearing his negative filters, he only hears what his brain tells him I am saying. Its pretty hard to expect rational from an irrational person.

It feels like, If I just let him be, twiddle my thumbs and do nothing, that while I'm not getting what I need from the relationship, I am keeping myself out of his line of fire. There has to be a way around this... It feels like I'm shooting myself in the foot.