4 weeks out & it's started

[Moonie75]

Four weeks since I left after suspecting a triangle on the horizon. I was right & she got straight into bed with the neighbor I was suspicious of.

I got a voicemail about two weeks ago about some money I owed her by the end of the month & I will pay on time. I didn't reply to the voicemail & will just forward the money I owe her via her parents. JOB DONE!

She's been away on a holiday this week that we had booked, me , her & her two children. She's due back on Sunday. On tuesday just gone I got a text asking me if I would give her the some of the money I owe her to tax her car at the end of the month? I thought that was odd as she knows she's going to have the money then & will be able to tax the car & have change left over. Also odd that she wanted to text about an end of month matter mid month, and while she's on holiday. I've been NC since I left but did reply with a single text. "YES you will have your money on time & as we agreed".

I got a reply saying "Thankyou. And as you obviously dont want to communicate with me just pay up at end of month & I'll be out of your hair forever".

I did not reply. She's been assured she's getting her money so that's all covered & I'm done.

She text me today "Fellow drummer Jon Brookes has died".

I was a pro session drummer in the past & Jon Brookes was the drummer with The Charlatans. It's made the news here in the UK, I heard on the radio, just like she will have, so I don't need her texting me the f***ing headlines!

I am not far enough out yet to feel srtong enough for all this cr@p. I know the drill, little tit bits to remind me of her incase I'm forgetting. As if I'm going to forget her!

I love her. I love the good times we had. I love how she made me feel at times.

I don't love being hurt to my core & don't want to experience it again. Those here that know the story of how we met as children & again as adults will understand there's some HUGE heart strings for her to pull on. And she knows it too!

[Want2know]

It sounds like you are doing the right thing regarding communication with her.  Tending to business, and that's it.  If you can stick to that, it will be very helpful.

I have been out of my r/s for 2 years, this month, and a couple of weeks ago, after not having any communication with him for many months, he unblocked me on Facebook and sent me an email with very suggestive comments.  Then, this week, I see him making some old photos I have of him on my page his new profile photos - two different ones over the course of an evening.

It can be a bit confusing, and bring up some emotions.  Keeping it all in check, and understanding what's going on, and acting appropriately - using your wise mind - is a good plan.  For 4 weeks out, it seems like you do have your head on straight.   

[Octoberfest]

Hey Moonie-

I don't really have anything to add that W2K didn't already touch on, but wanted to echo how incredible it is... . incredible that our BPDex's will reach out, seemingly randomly, with some little tidbit that is seemingly innocent but is very effective in tugging at old heart strings.  For me it is kind of scary that someone both knows me well enough inside and out to know what to do/say to get to me AND has the twisted motive to play on those vulnerabilities. 

Something I have been thinking about lately though; Aside from ties via marriage, children, property (i.e. physical and legal ties), our BPDex's only have as much influence in our lives and over our emotions as we are willing to rent them head space for.

[Moonie75]

Well those dumb txt messages from her couple of days ago worked. I was out with friends last night & I was fairly quiet most of the evening. Then got home & got into bed & couldn't sleep because I was going over & over what's happened. I just couldn't seem to switch my thoughts.

Got up this morning & made my way to work where I have to spend all of today & tomorrow in a workshop working alone. I've been thinking about her since the moment I got up!

I was doing really well until she txt'd me the other day & seemed to bat it off well. But the hurt from what she's done seems to have slowly burrowed its way to the front of my mind & now it's eating me. I guess the alcohol let it through last night & now I'm paying!

I can't think of any reason she has to contact me other than finances which have been discussed & eveything's in place so no need for further discussion on that matter & she knows it. But then she started txting me stuff in the news which she knows would have been a conversation topic with me/us.

I have split up with her before & she's slowly reeled me back in with the most convoluted means imaginable. I'm missing her greatly this weekend after hearing from her mid week & it's set me back much further than I realized. I read somewhere on a thread that most new relationships fail in first 45-90 days. She's been shaggin neighbor (not great idea for a person with BPD coz the neighbor is right there on top of your every move) for a month now so I guess a few cracks may be starting to appear.

I think neighbors getting together is going to be more testing than normal dynamics even for healthy people starting a relationship together, so BPD doing it seemed doomed to very premature failure to me. I told my brother I'd need them to last at least 3 months to let me build my mental strength for if she tried to come back. Brother laughed his head off & said "there's no way it'll last that long. You'll get 6-8 weeks if you're lucky".

We're at the four week mark so as she gets back from holiday tomorrow I'm expecting next week to change up a gear! STRESSED & WORRIED ABOUT MY STRENGTH & ABILITY LIKE YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE!

[Moonie75]

It's very deflating to realize you're weaker than you thought!

I have a very important job to get finished this weekend here at work & I can't concentrate on it at all. If I stuff it up I'll cost myself a lot of money & need my focus. But my head has gone straight back to 4 weeks ago & all the heartache, frustration at my situation & the cruel injustice of it all when you try so hard to have what you think should come so naturally.

It's such a cruel cruel twist.

[Want2know]

It's very deflating to realize you're weaker than you thought!

You are feeling vulnerable - that's very human. 

Do you want to get back together with her?

[Moonie75]

It's very deflating to realize you're weaker than you thought!

You are feeling vulnerable - that's very human.  

Do you want to get back together with her?

I'm struggling to let go yes. I'd have been prepared to look at the 'coping tools' & tread very carefully through a trial period to see if a relationship could be manageable. I've read about validation etc on here & realized I did contribute to making things worse by not understanding what I was dealing with & not being well enough educated on it. I'm not taking all the blame but recognize I played my part in it not working.

But that doesn't make shaggin the neighbor okay, not for me, not by a long stroke! People BPD or otherwise still have to be answerable, & still know when they're being unfaithful or dishonest (only my opinion i know). I couldn't go back after this, no matter how much I might want to. I just can't live across the street from a guy who took a ride on my missus!

And, with their habits of recycling & keeping the door slightly open it's all just too risky & not worth the trauma of waiting of being back there, wondering, going out of my mind suspecting etc etc etc.

Being honest, yes I'd like a go at making it work better with the skills I've read about. But just can't accept the dude over the road having a good ride while I've been learning about her illness.

I'm learning & developing an understanding, while they're rolling round the bed!

Guess that makes me the chump?

[Want2know]

I couldn't go back after this, no matter how much I might want to. I just can't live across the street from a guy who took a ride on my missus!

And, with their habits of recycling & keeping the door slightly open it's all just too risky & not worth the trauma of waiting of being back there, wondering, going out of my mind suspecting etc etc etc.

No, that doesn't make you a chump.  You have values that you believe in, ie. monogamy, and to live your life holding on to this value, and not steering off course can be hard.  She may not have the same values, and that in itself, BPD relationship or 'non', will make it hard for any relationship to survive.

[Moonie75]

Yeah I can't put that 'value' under the mat, no matter how hard I try. It makes me absolutely furious that it might have been salvageable if it wasn't a neighbor. I'm so f***ing angry with her for that!

But also I'm worrying about how I'll cope with her attempts to re-engage me when neighbor bangin goes wrong. I agree with the many friends who've already said 'this is not a good dynamic & will probably fail quickly'. That means she'll be back, oh so sorry & it will be promises of all sorts. I've been there before, last year when she took off for a while with another guy. I suspect because I took her back I taught her I will take her back this time. My brother pointed that out to me the other day & I have agree it makes sense.

Friends have all said she'll be back. Her own mother even said the other day "I think she loves you so much she's scared of it & runs, then realizes what she's done. She's a silly girl!"

I didn't comment but thought, omg woman you don't know how close to the truth you are!.

Anyway the txt's with no real purpose have started. three this week, probably more next week.

As far as I'm guessing she WILL be back. I WILL want her back. I WILL want to try again with the coping tools, mindfulness techniques etc I've read all about. Just that bloomin neighbor business that will screw my head right up. I know it will, I'll have such strongly conflicting emotions it's going to be hell on earth & I can almost see it coming.

[Want2know]

As far as I'm guessing she WILL be back. I WILL want her back. I WILL want to try again with the coping tools, mindfulness techniques etc I've read all about. Just that bloomin neighbor business that will screw my head right up. I know it will, I'll have such strongly conflicting emotions it's going to be hell on earth & I can almost see it coming.

I'm so sorry that I have not read your history here, but did she leave you for the other guy, or did you break up with her and then she found him quickly?

[musicfan42]

I got a reply saying "Thankyou. And as you obviously dont want to communicate with me just pay up at end of month & I'll be out of your hair forever".

I did not reply. She's been assured she's getting her money so that's all covered & I'm done.

She text me today "Fellow drummer Jon Brookes has died"

I've noticed this pattern with text messages too i.e. getting an angry text message and then when that gets no response, sending a really sweet text message designed to pull at the heart strings. It's sort of like bad cop/good cop... anything to get some kind of response.

Has your ex made any kind of disparaging remarks about your family members? I'm just curious as I heard my ex make the odd negative comment about my family. Initially, I'd be complaining about my family and my ex would basically agree with me instead of staying neutral! But then towards the end, as I set more boundaries, I noticed that my ex would make unprompted negative remarks about my family members. I was able at that stage to be assertive and thus the remarks stopped.

[Moonie75]

She was becoming distant & talking about a neighbor a lot. I suspected she was lining him up so I told her my suspicions & left. She denied it when I spoke my mind but with days of me leaving she said she was seeing someone else. i found out about a week later that it was the neighbor I'd suspected.

I've always thought dating a neighbor has some odd, testing & tough dynamics, even for healthy people. So figured BPD in that situation will be quite difficult to manage for long? It's really ironic that this situation requires me to have more time to distance myself emotionally. And yet everyone's telling me it's exactly because of this 'situation' she'll probably be back sooner rather than later!

I think as an observer to it all I'd also be saying what friends are saying.

[Want2know]

I think as an observer to it all I'd also be saying what friends are saying.

Your friends as observers not knowing much about BPD... . but, you, on the other hand do know.

Are your friends suggesting it would be good for you two to be together?

I do understand your feelings for her, and wanting to try again and make it work.  I'm not going to judge your feelings and tell you not to do it if she comes back.  What I do want to do is question your feelings and thoughts so that you make a wise decision, when and if the time comes.

So, if she was losing interest in maintaining your relationship then, when she was talking about the neighbor, do you think she will not do this again in the future?

[Juliecelle]

Moonie75,

Not to be negative, but even with you applying the tools you read about on this site etc, the chances are high that she'll still leave.

I have relentlessly used these tools and suggestions from others on this site in hopes of making a difference in the relationship with my dBPD husband. I've done everything I know how to do at this point. It's exhausting. And he still left. It was easier for his disordered-self to leave than it was for him to make the effort each day.

Second guessing myself by wondering if I've done enough gives me false hope and sets me up for failure EVERY time.

You're four-weeks-strong at this point. That's the best tool you can have!

[papawapa]

I can totally sympathize with your situation moonie. I too have trouble concentrating and getting things done as there are so many things that remind me of her and set off the ruminating. I also am stuck on the fence about letting go and detaching fully and wanting to get together with her. We were together for twelve years and have two children together. On top of that she has four children from a previous marriage that I have bonded and formed relationships with. If that wasn't enough we also have two grandchildren that I adore. Be glad you don't have a family with her which makes it even more difficult to let go.

From my experience if you get back with her the neighbor will still be in the picture. While it may technically not be triangulation (read definition), she will still keep him on the back burner. She will promise you that it is over with him and she has moved on and stopped talking to him. But just as she is still coming back to you for whatever reason, she will eventually bring him back into the picture. Even if she is able to cut all ties with him you have to be prepared that eventually when things get rough between the two of you she will reach out and find someone else other than the neighbor to fill her needs.

[Moonie75]

I think as an observer to it all I'd also be saying what friends are saying.

Your friends as observers not knowing much about BPD... . but, you, on the other hand do know.

Are your friends suggesting it would be good for you two to be together?

 What I do want to do is question your feelings and thoughts so that you make a wise decision, when and if the time comes.

So, if she was losing interest in maintaining your relationship then, when she was talking about the neighbor, do you think she will not do this again in the future?

No, friends are saying the neighbor gig won't last very long at all, even less likely to work than her meeting someone who's not living on the doorstep. Knowing what I do, I think may be correct?

Yes, I do think she would be likely to leave the relationship again if things were just as before.

What I don't know is what would have happened if I had been better educated on my behavior, when dealing with BPD, during the relationship.

Also, She has at times told me that she's aware that she's 'different' to other people, and I think if she wanted me back & I stood firm on her getting help she might. She does read a lot of self help books & has a definite desire to find out/work out, what's wrong.

But, at the end of the day all this wishy washy thinking doesn't take into account that I'd have to 'radically accept' her banging the neighbor. Open minded, understanding & compassionate as I am, I don't think my acceptance could ever be that radical!

The whole thing's a mess basically. And everybody but everybody is telling me the same thing... . It won't last long, and she WILL be back.

[LetItBe]

Moonie, I totally empathize with you as I still love my uBPDxbf despite the difficulties.  It does sound like she'll be back.

My ex has been "spending a lot of time with" a woman who works where he works.  For a guy who needs a lot of space, I have NO idea how he's managing that.  Just as you are certain that the "neighbors" dynamic will spell disaster for your ex's current situation, I am certain that this r/s (?) with a coworker is destined to implode.

People seem confident he'll come back to me as the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior, and I do want him to come back... . God help me.  I'm exploring what my needs and wants are should that happen, what I can accept, what do I consider true deal-breakers, what's negotiable.  At a minimum, this is providing for some healthy self-reflection, don't you agree?

[Moonie75]

 I'm exploring what my needs and wants are should that happen, what I can accept, what do I consider true deal-breakers, what's negotiable.  At a minimum, this is providing for some healthy self-reflection, don't you agree?

NonGF,

I certainly do agree. It's got me questioning how much I can take. Educating myself on all this has had me take it less personally, but that may be my downfall upon her return?

Yes, I agree that some things are too close to home to last & implode quicker, bedding work colleagues, neighbors being (imo) the two poster examples of what not to do?

I'm guessing your ex has a track record of returning too?

[LetItBe]

Educating myself on all this has had me take it less personally, but that may be my downfall upon her return?

I'm guessing your ex has a track record of returning too?

I, too, am taking things less personally now that I really see that this is BPD.  

Yes, we recycled once.  I'm thinking this woman he's seeing is a diversion.  I'm able to hear quite a bit about her through a mutual contact, and it doesn't appear that she's anything like me (or him) and that they don't look that cohesive or thrilled to be together.  Also, I've heard he still "hasn't let anyone 'in'" like he did me.  So, it's probably a matter of time before he's back.

I'm thinking if we do entertain the idea of reuniting at some point, that we might be able to resolve the issue that led to our break-up, that it wasn't worth writing off our entire r/s.  We did have a lot of things going for us and had made incredible progress.  I'm not sure whether we'll resolve that issue on our own or if not, in DBT-inspired couple's therapy.  Have you considered doing that?  :)o you think she'd be game for that since she's into self-help?

[eeyore]

The thing is if you want to be in a healthy relationship then you have to maintain NC and move on.  Look forward to a relationship with real meaning and compassionate caring.  Perhaps it is time for you to go on Holiday and do something you would enjoy.  Maybe with your brother?