I don't understand why this set her off

[SayWha?]

As I posted before SS has had multiple behavioral issues in school. Dad and I (SM) talked to the school prior to the beginning of the school year and warned them that this would happen and explained why. The school even asked to see some video evidence of BPDMom's behavior and we showed it to them (though she showed them plenty on their own).

Well things have gotten pretty bad for SS at school so far this semester. Again, Dad and I sat down with the school last week (seriously, just last week) and told them we predicted some pretty bad behavior and why. If only we were extremely right once again. SS is in kindergarten and this is the second time he has gone to in school suspension in the last week.

SS was supposed to have court ordered phone time with my DH tonight but instead we taped 8 minutes of BPDMom raging at DH. She brought up everything from his lack of financial support (he pays CS on time every month) to the fact that I exist and that's not fair, to how she can't wait to show a judge all the nasty emails DH sends her (eh? The only person who uses cuss words and calls names is BPDMom), she screamed a lot about how DH will never be a man and how immature he is, then she started in on how she signed the CO but she wasn't going to follow it because she thought it was stupid and she wasn't going to communicate on Our Family Wizard anymore but only on phone conversations and face to face meetings (ha. Yeah right.).

Yes, we recorded it all as we always do. DH figured he had enough evidence of her behavior after 8 minutes and cut her off. None of the conversation had anything to do with SS's behavior and when DH tried to bring up the referral all she did was scream about how immature he was and how he couldn't converse like an adult. 

Anyway, I don't understand why a referral for SS would set her off like this. Usually I can pinpoint what triggered her but this is like the 7th or 8th referral this year. I've lost count. Her complete non sequitur was chilling, especially when she started accusing DH of having people follow her around to spy on her.  I've never seen her that delusional before. We live 6 hours away and don't know anyone who lives in her county at all!   

[Matt]

What does the CO say about parenting time?

About who makes decisions about SS's medical care?

[scraps66]

I've read a few of these posts.  I can relate as I have a S8 that is experiencing behavioral issues in school for a few years now.  My son has an Individualized Education Plan (IEP) where he was evaluated by school and has a plan for his needs.  The IEP is essentially a contract for the school to do certain things.  I was wondering if SS has gone through the process?  I would be surprised if he doesn't, but, in my expereince, school really does not want to get in the middle of the parents' business.  they care about the child, but they won't get into fixing either parent even for the sake of the child.  I am dealing with the competing emotions - how can school be expected to do the right things when one parent, having avoided court-ordered psychological evaluation herself, is so invovled with trying to "find out what's wrong with S," her words.  That was infuriationg for me to hear. 

Anyway, what I was thinking, if your child was to have an IEP, one, it would be good to address his behavioral issues.  Two, it would set the structure up for is care and there would be expectations of what the parents would need to be doing to support the IEP - a contractual/legal school document.  It would be a sort of vehicle for documenting how BPmom meddles in things and you'd ahve witnesses, the school, on your side.  I'm afraid without this talking to school about BPmoms behavior may not be well received or listened to at all.  My ex has many times shown true colors to the school staff, however I don't involve school in discussions regarding BPmom.  They have asked pointed questions "off the record" but I do not outwardly tell them anything. 

I would certainly look into what help you can get for SS through school. 

[SayWha?]

We never did any BPDMom bashing when we met with the school. In fact, they commended us on how we kept it focused on SS. We mentioned that he displayed some anxious behaviors and they are more pronounced near exchange time b/c he knows there is conflict between Mom and Dad. The school asked if we had evidence (like a video) and we said yes, because we do. Then they asked to see what types of things SS was exposed to during exchanges (BPD calling Dad a POS, physically attacking him, locking SS in the car to prevent SS from going with Dad until she gets her way... .  you can hear my SS screaming in the background)

BPDMom called a meeting with the school and had Dad come and literally all she did was bash DH the whole time. The principal kept trying to redirect her to no avail. Then Mom started sending scathing messages to the school telling them Dad had no business talking to them and everything had to go through her. She point blank told the school that she no longer wanted them to tell Dad anything (that went over like a ton of bricks with the school.)

Every decision made about SS is joint. If you could see our parenting plan, your jaw would drop. There are very few holes. It even lists sex education as something they have to discuss and agree on. Parenting time is spelled out to the minute complete with a public address for exchanges. No wiggle room there. No wiggle room on the CO phone time as it specifically list a time frame and exactly what the other parent must do during that time. It also says exactly what the other parent cannot do during that time (like interrupt the phone call).

I'll have DH mention an IEP for behavior. The school pushed for some interventions last fall and BPDMom raged at them and said she would "never" allow participation. Then they over-rode her veto and decided it was in SS's best interest to participate in a certain program. Last time we talked to them they said they again felt they had the groups to over-ride her veto and do what was best for the child. I feel like that will pan out.

I just want to know why this triggered her rage? It just seems to bizarre. Normally I can connect her dots and figure out what set her off but this time I am truly baffled.

[Matt]

What does the CO say about parenting time?

[mamachelle]

SayWha

You mentioned in another post BPDmom was pregnant or had a new baby?

She could be really just dealing with something else and raging because her new man is leaving her or whatever... .  Baby has diaper rash?

BPD folk can become psychotic and snap back in a few hours and not know why.

That's why we call it Oz. Or being in Oz.

IEP for sure is the way to go. I'm cheering for your SS

[tog]

Hi SayWha?

Sorry I haven't welcomed you sooner. Sounds like your SS is lucky to have you. 

Probably just BPD behavior that has no clear trigger except all the stress she's enduring. In our case, even though BPDmom was recently granted medical decision-making (after consultation with my SO) his lawyer said that if SO disagreed with a decision, he could take it to court. Maybe that's what will need to happen in your situation.

[Wendell]

SayWha?,

I agree with tog, your SS is very lucky to have you!  I wanted to offer some support as well.  I'm a teacher for almost 20 years and I am also a single mother of a S21 and D18.  Their father exhibits both NPD/BPD traits, so I understand the struggles you are facing.  I've had many experiences with students in my classroom along with my own personal ones, so I hope I can help a little too. 

I agree with the posts on pushing for an evaluation of your SS and hopefully an IEP being put in place for him.  There are all kinds of reasons children act out, most likely in the case of your SS it is due to the chaos and anxiety he lives with daily.  I would encourage you to have him also evaluated on the outside, beginning with your pediatrician and then perhaps moving on to a clinical child psychiatrist to see specifically what you are dealing with.  Some school districts are also able to do an evaluation on their own, with a school psychologist and they can look more in depth at the issues and if they possibly lie on the BD spectrum.  The district I work for is able to do this and in fact right now I'm going through this process with one of my students who possibly fits the BD scenario. 

I wish you all the best!  Again, your SS is blessed to have you in his life.  You sound like a very loving SM. 

[david]

"Every decision made by SS is joint." And you are following the order to the letter. BPDmom by her behaviors is not and no one is doing anything about that. My ex was like that at the school too. When the school finally "got it" and contacted me without contacting mom I went with it. They want to help the child and do not want to counsel mom. I have phone conferences and meetings with the school and we develop a plan. The school then contacts mom and we all pretend that this is the first contact. The school guides the direction of the meeting and I sit there silently until I need to sign something or say something. My ex doesn't directly attack me but is more subtle (passive/aggressive) and gives her digs. I sit there silently and let her show them that what we are doing for the child is the right thing. I view this as positive reinforcement. The school is positive they are doing the right thing and so am I.

Our youngest went to kindergarten and had to repeat. I stay focused on what was best for him and I spoke my mind to the school counselors , teachers, etc. It was always without ex and I wasn't bashing her. I did say that I thought ex's behaviors indicated she was having some issues that were affecting her behavior. If they asked to elaborate I did in a respectful and somewhat clinical manner.

Technically we are not following the shared legal custody part of the order but the school and I are doing what is in the child's best interest. That is my guiding principle. Keep recording and documenting to protect yourself and SS.

[NorthernGirl]

I just want to know why this triggered her rage? It just seems to bizarre. Normally I can connect her dots and figure out what set her off but this time I am truly baffled.

Hello SayWha? I'm another stepmom who has dealt with some of what you describe. One thing I have decided is that I can't outguess or find the cause for all UBPD Mom's behaviors. Some are obvious -- special occasions like mother's day, Xmas, birthdays all trigger reactions in her. Other times it seems like things are quiet and then she will erupt and none of us can guess why.

In our case, UBPD Mom has been on ever range of the scale where it comes to involvement in SS18 (who has special needs) and his schooling. She has pulled him from school and kind of homeschooled him and she has also spent many months where she's had nothing to do with his schooling. DH got a court order to have an educational assessment done for SS18 which resulted in some pretty good instructions on what he needed and the recommendation to get him back in school with an IEP. His teachers have been given the evaluation and IEP and that has made things much better. Sometimes she can fool the teacher for a short time with her rantings but usually it isn't long before the teacher figures her out.

I can see you are doing some terrific things for your SS. I recommend you save your energy for helping him and your DH, rather than trying to make sense of her behavior, which may never made sense!   

[SayWha?]

I know I should stop trying to understand BPDMom. I am trying so hard to do that.

The good news is the school initiated contact with both Dad and BPDMom and just mentioned that SS will meet with the counselor (kind of like what happens in David's case.) We are just rolling with it, like it's the first we've heard.

Her rage-o-meter is on high right now. She just denied visitation. Or tried to deny it. Dad isn't biting on that one. He will just copy and paste the CO to her and we will show up when and where we are supposed to. This is her pattern. She starts small with angry jabs via email, ramps up to a phone call, and then starts denying visitation. Now she is accusing Dad of having someone follow her to show that she's a bad mother (we live like 6 hours away.)

Anyway, the last time I saw her raging like this was when she found out that Dad and I were dating and getting engaged (we stayed quiet as long as humanly possible). She went on a 6 month "rage bender" at that time. She has been difficult since then but this is back to full on 10/10 rage and she can sustain for several months like this. No wonder SS is having issues. Duh.

Our pregnancy will be announced to SS in the next month or so and if she's already raging like this I cannot imagine what is going to go on in that home. We would keep it quiet longer but I am already showing. There isn't a shirt big enough to hide the bump in another month.

[mamachelle]

  congratulations saywha!

Well. You need to take it easy as much as you can. I guess this changes the dynamic a bit, eh?

My SS are all really wonderful big brothers and I'm sure your SS will be too. He will need a lot of extra attention and will really really need that therapy to deal with all the changes.

[david]

Just make sure school understands you are interested in childs best interest. Showing up at school functions, keeping them informed when they need to know, etc. Every time I pick the kids up I send an email letting them know in the morning. Also, make sure they have your email address to send yopu info. Most schools communicate that way now and it really helps. They also have automated voicemail in case of emergency so they need your contact info. That is usually handled by a particular form.

[bpdex]

Your story sounds eerily similar to mine.  I assume you're planning to file for custody when the time is right?  I live 3 hours from my xBPDw.  I filed and gained full custody about 3 years ago(she sees him every other weekend now), and my S12's behavior in school has improved dramatically since coming to live with us. 

Sounds like you're doing a good job with documenting the behavior on her part.  I'd recommend weekly play therapy for your SS.  If she doesn't agree to it, get a court order for it asap.  Your SS shouldn't be around her 24/7 and she's most definitely the reason for his issues at school.  A good therapist will recognize her issues immediately, and can also be a very good witness for your case if you did seek custody at some point in time.

[sad but wiser]

Hi!  Why does anything set a BPD off?  It may have had nothing to do with your SS having a problem at school.  Remember, it is all about her and if the attention shifts to the child because HE is having problems, it isn't about her anymore.  How can she get attention and comfort if everyone is busy with HIM?  Curious question, does this woman have younger siblings?  Like maybe she's the second child, but a third came along when she was about 3?  Just thinking... .