Advice needed

[Beach_Babe]

My ex left me 3.5 months ago after a 14 year relationship. I am going to therapy, working on myself. I have friends and family in my life who I know truly do care about me... .yet I feel stuck. The lack of closure positively haunts me. I wish for a friendship but at the very least to know things are "okay" if that's not possible. I have to attend a conference for work in his city come fall and I'm positively sick over it: what would happen if we ran into each other. I know reaching out will make me seem pathetic, weak and frankly the loser I'm sure he already thought I was. But I am suffering and unable to unstuck myself. Please can I get some advice if I were to reach out what to say. I don't know what else to do.

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[Infern0]

My ex left me 3.5 months ago after a 14 year relationship. I am going to therapy, working on myself. I have friends and family in my life who I know truly do care about me... .yet I feel stuck. The lack of closure positively haunts me. I wish for a friendship but at the very least to know things are "okay" if that's not possible. I have to attend a conference for work in his city come fall and I'm positively sick over it: what would happen if we ran into each other. I know reaching out will make me seem pathetic, weak and frankly the loser I'm sure he already thought I was. But I am suffering and unable to unstuck myself. Please can I get some advice if I were to reach out what to say. I don't know what else to do.

BB

I know you more than most on this site so I have to in good conscience say I do not think this is a good idea in your case.

However if you are going to do it I advise keeping it very simple, and be ok with maybe not getting a reply or getting anger.

Something like, "hope you are doing well"  would be my advice

wait for other advice though.

[Beach_Babe]

What makes you think it is a bad idea?

[Infern0]

What makes you think it is a bad idea?

You aren't capable of withstanding the emotional damage he can do to you.

In my opinion, and i'm not trying to be mean.

x

[Beach_Babe]

Are you suggesting he is more like your first ex?

[Infern0]

Are you suggesting he is more like your first ex?

He's definatley more like my first ex, without a shadow of a doubt.

[Beach_Babe]

That's the thing, I can't accept I think. I knew yours would be back, and I can tell she loves you. I have empathy for BPDs, because I know they suffer. I had a friend who was, and to put it bluntly screwed me over and went NC. I was so angry and stuck for a while. Then after a year I broke NC and contacted her. It was the best thing I could have done. We talked, she actually acknowledged the pain she caused and even apologized. We tried being friends again , and while I accept now that she comes and goes, like you I've learned to manage it by adjusting my expectations. Had I not broken NC, I would have likely continued to spin my wheels. It was only from this closure, and answers only my BPD friend could provide, my anger was replaced with empathy. I know she suffers greatly. It is very sad. I guess I was hoping something similar could happen with the ex. Maybe I am wrong. I know  waiting a year to try would kill me. I suffered so much. My friend meant quite a lot. I want so badly to believe that's possible here, maybe I'm crazy.

I feel sick. My conference is going to be two buildings away from where he works. It's a new job I can't get out of going. I want peace.  Not to feel terrified if we bump into each other. 

[ElroySpace]

As a young guy who usually always stays NC until my pwBPD reaches out. Id actually use this as an opportunity to be honest and mention you will be two buildings away and offer to buy your pwBPD lunch/dinner/drinks.

[Beach_Babe]

Hi Elroy: that's a great idea. The way things ended, however was with him threatening the police if I contacted him again. He also smeared me to mutual friends and told people I was a criminal, wh*re and drug dealer. He had made crazy threats to me before when dysregulated but always eventually calmed down and came back around. This time he did not. It has been 3.5 months not a peep. Typically the better  things in his life are going, the crueler  and more grandiose he becomes. I think things are going well now, and he has plenty of supply (hence the silence)  so if we run into each other I am fully prepared for a "911 stalker !" Type response (or some other form of cruelty).

A friendly round of drinks may be out of the question, but is there anything I could say... .anyway to reach out before hand to possibly neutralize this. I don't want to be his enemy.

[Beach_Babe]

Maybe a bad/no response will finally help me close the door forever? Could killing the hope really be a bad thing?

[waverider]

Could killing the hope really be a bad thing?

This is in effect closure, and it is closure you want. You need to rid yourself of the "what ifs?'. You are grieving what seems to you a premature ending.

Will you achieve a balanced staying friends type relationship? With a pwBPD unlikely. You are either in their drama script, or you are not. You can take on a lot of unnecessary damage trying to find that closure

[Beach_Babe]

 I'm just heartbroken things ended this way. I want to believe so much he did not mean it.  I miss my friend. Are they really just heartless users? He always came back around.  Were my sins this time really unforgivable?

. He insisted to the very end he was not abandoning me. He seemed hurt when I wrote a goodbye letter. But I was blocked everywhere smeared raged at humiliated. What other conclusion could I draw?  I don't even know what I'd say even if given the chance

[Infern0]

I'm just heartbroken things ended this way. I want to believe so much he did not mean it.  I miss my friend. Are they really just heartless users? He always came back around.  Were my sins this time really so unforegivable?

I don't even know what I'd say of given the chance. Maybe I really don't have much to offer?

My honest opinion, you need to start working on yourself, you should be working on that BB

you're clearly still very very damaged from all of this and it's sad to see, I don't honestly feel you would be able to make rational decisions if you were back in contact.

Recovering from codependency needs to be your priority, you sound exactly like me round about a year ago, it's possible to get past this, but not by hoping for validation from someone who is suffering from a really serious mental illness, if you are to have any contact at all you need to understand that, and right now you don't.

Again, i'm not trying to be mean, i'm trying to help you. if/when you are in contact again, you need to be mentally in WAY better shape than this, there is no way in this world i'd be able to cope and be somewhat rational in my current situation with my BPD, i'd have lost my mind and sunk into deep depression and pushed her away further, you see the problem is a two way thing, the ONLY thig you can do is work on your half of it

[Beach_Babe]

No I appreciate that.  I feel guilty also for some of my behavior because his mother is dying. Perhaps I wasn't supportive I did add to his stress and make things worse. Did I abandon him too by giving up after a while? I agree with you I have issues of my own to work on. I also behaved horribly.

How would you handle this?

[Infern0]

No I appreciate that.  I feel guilty also for some of my behavior because his mother is dying. Perhaps I wasn't supportive I did add to his stress and make things worse. Did I abandon him too by giving up after a while? I agree with you I have issues of my own to work on. I also behaved horribly.

How would you handle this?

It's not about placing blame on yourself either, i mean yeah maybe some of your actions didn't help, i know some of mine didn't in my case, but what's reasonable compromise?

Regardless of that, you need to reach a point (like i have) where you are "ok" with the relationship ending, that's where I am, even though i'm still involved if it doesn't pan out, it'll be a shame but it is what it is.

I honestly think you need a more specialised T

this program may help

www.spartanlifecoach.com/overcome-narcissistic-abuse-course/

[Beach_Babe]

Great suggestion, anything is worth a try at this point. The other guy was pretty good as well.

It seems like low expectations is key. Would you have ever approached your ex again if she hadn"t approached you?

[Infern0]

Great suggestion, anything is worth a try at this point. The other guy was pretty good as well.

It seems like low expectations is key. Would you have ever approached your ex again if she hadn"t approached you?

No.

But I have to add, in my case i think i knew deep down she'd be back at some point, history tends to repeat.

But in any case, no. I'd walked away because I didn't like the way I was being treated, so if I had gone back i'd have been enabling her behaviour and "accepting" poor treatment. It needed to be her who came back and asked for another chance.

Once i'd made it past a month I was never going to reach out to her again, ever.

[babyducks]

Hi Beach Babe,

On the right hand side is a link called What does it take to be in a relationship with a borderline.   These paragraphs are a cut and paste from that link.

Strength: It takes a great deal of strength and emotional stability to be in a BP relationship and not be emotionally injured by it.  A person in a weak emotional state, who feels wounded/abused, or depressed is likely to be consumed by the relationship, confused by the intense rages and idealization, and finding their self worth in decline.  If you chose this path, you've got to be very strong and very balanced.

Realistic Expectations: A person with BPD is emotionally underdeveloped and does not have "adult" emotional skills - especially in times of stress.  If you are in this type of relationship it is important to have realistic expectations for what the relationship can be in terms of consistent respect, trust and support, honesty and accountability, and in terms of negotiation and fairness, or expectations of non-threatening behavior.  It is important to accept the relationship behavior for what it is - not hope the person will permanently return to the idealization phase, not accept the external excuses for the bad behavior, and not hope that changing your behavior to heal someone else.

From my experience, staying and maintaining a r/s with some who suffers the traits of BPD you must have a clear firm grip on these two points.   You must have realistic expectations of what the relationship can be and the strength to manage the dialectic tensions that come with it.

I would also suggest that if your SO told you he would call the police on you if you contacted him again I would believe that.   He has a right to enforce that boundary.

Just my two cents.

'ducks

[Beach_Babe]

That's the thing. In 14 years he always returned. This has been the longest . Almos every recycle  happened because I chased after him. This last time I stopped, I think out of emotional collapse. Dunno.

[babyducks]

He appears to be ending the pattern of breakup and recycle, which is not a healthy dynamic.

The question is what is your motivation for attempting contact?

He is not likely to be able to help you with your feelings of guilt, remorse and wounded self esteem.

[Beach_Babe]

He had threatened the police before when dysregulated in the past and then wanted a recycle.  He also thrown himself out of moving cars, held a hamster at knife point, screamed and hit his head stripped off his clothes and urinated on the floor while screaming "I hate you." Then returning later wanting to cuddle. I really don't know. We both need help I guess. After 14 years,of standing by someone through all this lunacy I'm having a hard time accepting just when I need him I'm left for dead.

[Beach_Babe]

This split happened because suddenly he found some success career and social wise and no longer had use for me (I suspect) now that life was good and now felt more normal "like a person." I was only good enough to keep around when life sucked, and he hit bottom face down. Perhaps I was a self esteem boost. It is very possible  he never cared for or loved me the same. That is hard. But I did not deserve how horribly things ended. I deserve at least civility, not to writhe every night in pain. I just want a peaceful closure. Maybe to know I'm no longer his enemy. To walk away knowing things are "ok". Why is that asking too much? I know he does not grieve or miss me that's ok. But who wants to think they were just used that the last 14 years was a lie? It's not okay.

There was one time he disappeared from 2005-2006 I just remembered. Our relationship was only platonic then so I guess I just forgot about it. I don't recall any fight he just vanished. Then a year later he reappeared with no apologies and some bizarre explanations. But he's been a constant since then. I want the closure because I'll be damned if I'm going to let history repeat itself... .that I will suffer through this and he just reappears a year later and acts like nothing happened. No. That's not fair to ME. If he's done and he means that ... .then after a certain point he will live with that.  I want to reach out at some point (not necessarily now) for myself knowing I tried once,more before shutting that door for good. Because he goes around telling people I abandoned him and it's  and  think he's a demon.  That he was my charity case and thats not true. Things like that cut me to my core. It's not true. I have respected his wishes the entire 3.5 months and have kept NC. If I truly have to close this door for good, I want it to be without pain or guilt. I think I need that confirmation  he truly is never coming back.

[ElroySpace]

Well it's not illegal to contact him I have a restraining order on me so i'm in a different boat! I decided this morning i'm not going to wait on her to come back on skype and chat with me like how she did when she broke her restraining order 6 days into it on the 5th... .So I made a new Skype so I can't see if she comes online looking for me. I doubt i'll last long but hey even if it makes me feel good for a day or two why not! My pwBPD operates differently than yours in the fact they she will want to be the one to reach out & come back and always has before with NC. You have waited 3.5 months and it sounds like it would be the healthy choice to use the opportunity to see how he responds just one last time. Because it's been awhile I doubt he would freak out and serve you with a restraining order. In your letter I wouldn't mention or bring up things that have made him mad in the past though. That could trigger him and remind him of things and make him angry on the spot. Maybe keep it short? "I love you so much, I miss and think of you everyday." Then mention about how you are going to be two buildings away. I'm not as smart as these other people nor is my opinion really worth anything but with all that aside what I can say for certain is you have been pretty dang strong so far. I'm dreading the one month mark of NC for the first time ever with my pwBPD.

[Beach_Babe]

Whoa? On what basis did she get a restraining order ? Then she breaks it? That's crazy!

[Beach_Babe]

Thank you everyone  for your constructive feedback. It is greatly appreciated 

[Infern0]

Thank you everyone  for your constructive feedback. It is greatly appreciated 

Are you going to do the narcissistic abuse recovery course?

I've heard a lot of good things about it

[Beach_Babe]

Yes! Thanks for sharing that. How are things going with you?

[Infern0]

Yes! Thanks for sharing that. How are things going with you?

currently in the "push" cycle, for the last couple of days so just going about my business, getting tiresome though

[formflier]

 

BB,

Hey... .I don't know much about your story... .trying to catch up a bit. 

Couple of observations... .

1.  It seems you are asking what to say so that a reconnection goes better.  I would suggest that you learn more about the theory behind communicating with someone with BPD traits... .that way... .when they send you some nuance to your gameplan... .you can adjust accordingly based on a solid education... .vice a script. 

2.  You also mentioned you wouldn't know what to say if you bump into him... .  I can see how that would create some anxiety and worry.  For that... .I actually think a script would be helpful.  "Hey... .How are you?  Hope you career is going well!"  "I've got to get back to my conference... .was nice to see you again... ."  (leave it at that)

3.  The use of "if onlys" and "modifiers".  Part of knowing yourself... .and getting a good education in how to "deal with" pwBPD is that you figure out how you want to present yourself to the world... and then you stick to it.

So... .the fact that someone parent is in the process of dying... .doesn't really change your behavior all that much.  (Hopefully you will have decided to be a compassionate... and validating person... .and that will apply to all situations)


Last... .please take a hard look at babyducks post... about what it takes to be in a r/s with a pwBPD traits.

I'll challenge you to answer the question in the context of "right now"... .do you have what it takes?

I'll check in on your post tomorrow...

FF

[Beach_Babe]

Infern0: I'm sorry to hear that, but think it's good how you are handling things. Do you think all of this is due to BPD though?  She is really young.

FF: those are some great suggestions. I know I have much to learn before reaching out.