Limiting Contact with uBPDm

[Dexter0420]

I have a uBPDm.  She and my father have had a tumultuous relationship for as long as I can remember and my mother has always tried to pit my sister and I against him.  If we try to play devil's advocate or disagree with her, we are her enemy.  She is extremely manipulative and even though I have warned her against this type of behavior with my kids, she still persists. Most recently she "accidently" pocket dialed me knowing I would be in the car with my kids and answering the call via Bluetooth.  She and my father we arguing and she timed it so that he was yelling and she was playing victim.  I know it was intentional because she confessed to a family friend that she wanted us to see what my father was like when we weren't around. 

I do not want to restrict her access to the kids per se, but I do not want them to be subjected to what my sister and I were/are.  My mother is in her 60s now and is getting worse fast.  I have not talked to my boys about her mental illness... .they just think grandma and grandpa like to move around a lot. 

I am somewhat new here and have recently begun reading the suggested literature, but haven't come across this topic yet.   I just want to protect and do what's right by them.

Thank you for any experiences/insight.

[cleotokos]

Hi Dexter, well I would say it's not safe to answer calls from your mother when you're in the car like that   

How old are your children? I would definitely try to keep them away from the chaos as much as possible. Have they been subjected to any of your mother's symptoms, as you might have been as a child? It is important they have an adult who tells them it is not them that is the problem, if so.

[Meadowslark]

Hi Dexter! 

Unfortunately, I don't have the perspective (from a child to BPD parent standpoint) but I can try to help with the kids.

Depending on how old the children are, limiting or completely cutting contact with your mom, while painful, may be the best option. You set up a boundary (warning her not to continue with the behavior) but she obviously doesn't comply because she keeps doing it. What is the consequence to crossing this boundary? If she cannot behave herself with you and respect your boundaries, I have no doubts that she would be a toxic influence on your children.

The younger they are, the less likely they would understand the real reason behind limited or no contact. If they are older, then you can think about sitting them down and explaining the reasoning. No contact may be your best bet after telling your mom that your boundaries have been crossed and she does not respect them, therefore she will not have access to the children.

I hope that helps, and internet hugs from me to you.