At My Wits End

[Zoe7468]

Well, needing to vent not sure this is the best place but better than at home!

My 17 yo step daughter is ruling our house with her every emotion.  She is not rageful at all but extremely passive aggressive and manipulative.

Just recently she called her father crying how she did not want to live anymore.  He went in to find that she had his gun case out (luckily I was not feeling comfortable with her mental state few days earlier and insisted we get rid of the gun, he locked it up instead).

She did not harm herself at all as she cound not access the gun but we arent sure if she would had she been able to. I doubt it as she herself said she was attention seeking although she told me and insisted she had a plan to kill herself but refused to let me know what that was. 

She told her boyfriend that broke up with her and his mother that cares very much about her that she shot herself in the chest and went so far as to send fake xray pics in her attempts at attention seeking and pose as her father and talk to her ex and give details about her being in the hospital but ok (all lies).  I believe she would have let this lie continue had me and her father not found out.

This isnt the first time she has pulled a stunt stating she doesnt want to live, but this is the most escalated. She does this to get what she wants from her father.  Any time she doesnt get her way she has a major melt down and he gives in to whatever she wants. 

After witnessing her willingness to lie, manipulate and scare the hell out of people, without any emotion (absolute blank stare) whatsoever as to the pain she causes people I have found that I am completed repulsed by her.  I don't even want to be in the same room as she or even look at her.

I now view her as an emotionless robot that doesnt give one ___ about anyone but herself. 

I work in the mental health field and had been tormented/targeted for 9 mos by my extremely BPD client.  By tormented I mean screamed at, followed outside being called a 'whore' in front of neighbors, attempts to hit me with a hammer, attempts to be thrown off a couch I was sitting on, having to hide all my belongings whenever this person was around or they would be destroyed, numerous physical altercations. 

Some of this would go on for 12-18 hours because I worked a grave shift and could not leave.  This person knew that and exploited that.  After a while, I began to become so disgusted by the mere sight of her I did anything and everything to never be in her presence and eventually quit my job as did every other manager that worked with her.

I am afraid my feelings of disgust for BPD persons has now been projected onto my step daughter and it isnt helping one bit.  Our home is now full of contention and negative energy. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi Zoe,

I'm sorry you and your family are dealing with such a tough situation!

My 15 y/o SD was similar.  Also not rageful at all, extremely passive aggressive.  I have wondered if she is more of a psychopath vs BPD because of her controlled unemotional PA plots. I almost think we could have delt better with a rage expression vs the PA. When she was subtly passive aggressive it caused so much division as dad could not see what I could and it would often appear as though I was making up reasons to be mad at her when I was in fact trying to help.  Then her dad began to live in constant fear of his D and would tell me he was always giving in because his daughter would imply/ threaten self harm.  He lives in fear if he crosses her that self harm will be his fault.

So I am curious... .

How does your H handle things with his D?

How do the two of you do working together when dealing with her?

I am afraid my feelings of disgust for BPD persons has now been projected onto my step daughter and it isnt helping one bit.  Our home is now full of contention and negative energy. 

This sounds quite understandable, also unfortunate.

Would a bit of distance help you to care for yourself and to manage your own feelings help?  Time out of the house focusing on a bit of fun with girlfriends or something else to treat yourself to that you have put off? 

Sometimes the best thing I can do when I'm angry at someone in my home, is to go enjoy myself outside of the home.  Then I can sometimes return a bit refreshed with some healthy distance that can help me face what is there when I return.

[lbjnltx]

Hi Zoe7468 

Welcome to the Parents Board and bpdfamily!  We are glad that you chose to share your feelings with us.  This is a safe place for you to vent.  We understand the anger and frustration you feel as we have been there too.

No one likes to feel manipulated or like someone else is choosing how we get to live our lives.  We can begin to feel like we have no power or choices. We can often times be overcome by our own emotions and not be able to clearly see any solutions.

For a parent, the ultimate fear is that our child will harm themselves... or worse!  If your stepd's threats of suicide are increasingly alarming it is best to err on the side of caution and take positive action.  Suicides do happen even when the full intent is not initially present ie: no one is paying enough attention to the threat so they impulsively escalate to action, accidental overdose, cutting that results in serious injury.  Take some time to review this information and think about how it may apply to your situation in the future:

Tools: Dealing with Threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

Giving into the requests due to manipulation is only going to make this worse in the long run.  Giving her what she wants after she makes threats creates an extinction burst.  Her behaviors can escalate until she gets her way ... .this could result in tragedy. As the healthier persons in a relationship we can learn how to manage these situations through the use of skills and skills modeling.  It is not an easy fix, it takes and investment of time, energy, practice and consistency.

Your husband is making decision the best he knows how and they are made based on fear.  Perhaps you can share this information with him?

What it means to be in the FOG

The Tools and Lessons in the sidebar on this page are a collection of proven skills that help us, our BPD children, our relationships with them, and our family as a whole.  There are positive steps to take so that you can begin to have some power over your own life and home.

It has been written, that children have one purpose at this stage in life... .to get their needs met at all cost.  Teens with BPD or traits of BPD are extremely emotionally immature.  Their emotions are so strong that they cannot reason, make logical choices, or even express them properly.  When your step d wants something it is the most important thing in the world to her at that moment.  Her desires are so magnified that she cannot even conceive that she can take "no" for an answer.

Have you or your husband spent time learning about this disorder?  Has your stepd been diagnosed or do you just suspect she is BPD? Has she or is she in therapy?

I am afraid my feelings of disgust for BPD persons has now been projected onto my step daughter and it isnt helping one bit.  Our home is now full of contention and negative energy.  

While I am sorry to hear this it is understandable.  The good news is that you change this and we are here to help you do it.

[Zoe7468]

So many good responses I appreciate that so much!  If I dont answer all I will be back.  I am on the last leg of my shift and may have several interruptions.

My SD has not been diagnosed but I am recognizing the symptoms and beginning to panic while becoming very angry.  After my EXTREME experiences with BPD I really am not sure I want to live my life like this.  The energy it takes to deal with this, has in the past (as a group home manager) sucked the life out of me. 

I feel so guilty about my feelings.  If he felt like this about my daughter, replused by her, it would hurt me so much and anger me greatly. 

Me and her father are not married but cohabiting.

We have been together for two years.

He has never put boundaries on his children nor disciplined them in any way that I know of.  They have been allowed to have boys spend the night, this daughter we are having an issue with now was allowed to move to New York and live like a married couple at 16 years old with her boyfriend and have boys spend the night literally feeling entitled to that.  She would have melt downs and got her way and he allowed this.  At other times her mother would be so unstable it would be allowed.

His ex wife was also (suspected BPD and diasnosed bipolar).  All his energy was spent on her as she would have melt downs and unbelievable screaming fits banging her head into walls and on and on. He believed doting on her would prevent these melt downs.

The children grew up in a state of neglect at times, abuse from their mother and absolute chaos with no stability moving often due to military as well as from situations that would arise from their parents marital instability.

He was also deployed many times with the children left with an unstable mother always in/out of hospitals and abandoning the children literally. He has been so guilt ridden about not leavig her earlier and allowing this to happen-he has coddled and catered to their every whim since splitting with their mother (past 3-4 yrs).

[lbjnltx]

Your stepd certainly has been through a lot as a child.  Inconsistent parenting, genetics, abandonment (real or imagined), volatile environment... .are all recipes for a disorder.

Whether she is BPD or not the good news is that what you can learn here will help.  It is of the utmost importance to understand and accept that you are the one you have the power to change. When we feel differently, when we believe differently, and when we behave differently... .our lives will be different.

The best teacher for your stepdaughter is witnessing healthy boundaries, healthy communication and compassionate care.  These are within reach for you and we are here to help.  How much she will benefit from you practicing healthy living is unknown, what is known is that you will.



lbj

[madmom]

I too can relate.  My daughter is diagnosed BPD and is 26 now, but we started dealing with problems such as yours in her teens.  I have said more than once to my husband of more than 30 years, if she wasn't our daughter, there is no way we would let a person who lies, steals, has done things morally that certainly aren't our values, etc.  into our lives.  We would go to great lengths to keep a person like that away from our family---but she is our daughter and we love her and will not abandon her. Like you, we haven't dealt with the rages and self harm to the extent of some of the others here.  She has been through a number of years of therapy (off and on), we have done counseling as a family, I have read more books about the subject than you can count.  And most importantly found this site last summer and really learned from the tools and lessons here.  Now, finally at the age of 26 I can say that things have greatly improved for all of us.  I think two of the biggest things that helped were my husband and I really worked together to get on the same page when dealing with our daughter.  We set boundaries that we both were willing to uphold no matter what, and worked together so that there would be no splitting. We worked on our communication and support of each other. I also worked on myself and my acceptance of the disease, my anger, guilt, jealousy of this affliction that ruined so much for all us.  It also helps tremendously that she know longer lives with us.  There is hope. My daughter is employed and making some good choices.  Just this week, she on her own, contacted a therapist and as she acknowledged, she is doing so well, she wants to find support so that she hopefully doesn't go down the rabbit hole again.  I hope things will improve for you and your family.  You are not alone in this horrible illness and the roller coaster ride of a life we all are forced to live on.

[Sunfl0wer]

I think two of the biggest things that helped were my husband and I really worked together to get on the same page when dealing with our daughter.  We set boundaries that we both were willing to uphold no matter what, and worked together so that there would be no splitting. We worked on our communication and support of each other. I also worked on myself and my acceptance of the disease, my anger, guilt, jealousy of this affliction that ruined so much for all us.

This is wonderful!  Exactly what I wish everyone had when dealing with this type of situation!

( I just felt compelled to say that.  As I just knew it was possible.)

[madmom]

thank you Sunflower

[Middleagemom]

Welcome

I can absolutely relate to how you're feeling.  I, too, am in a common-law relationship with a man who has a daughter that has caused a lot of turmoil.  She is not diagnosed but the evidence is piling up and there is a family history of abnormal behavior (for want of a better term to sum up the complexities).  I think that, as step-parents, we DO see things from a wider lens regarding our partners' children.  Addressing issues takes tact and love while at the same time "reality" has to be addressed.  Ignorance is NOT bliss when dealing with personality disorders and I agree with the poster about getting on the same page regarding supporting each other.  I will consciously work on that in my own situation, instead of focusing energy on processing my anger and disillusionment.

I also understand the need to have a safe place to vent and feel validated regarding the emotional turmoil surrounding living with a disordered person.  Having seen BPD at it's finest (another thing I share with you), I can appreciate the first instinct is to get as far away from it as possible (Run, Forrest, RUN!).  But... .then we are sacrificing our happiness with our partner.  Tough choices.

I have no insights or words of wisdom at this time for you.  Just wanted to say "HI" and let you know I heard and understood you.  Hope to hear from you soon.