BPD's Birthday. Acknowledge it or not?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Thought I would post my thoughts here to get them out.  It's the birthday of my BPD friend in a few days time.  I've given it a bit of thought as to whether I will acknowledge her birthday or not.  I definitely will not be giving her a gift this year, which will be the first time in a few years.

At this point, I am leaning towards not even sending a simple 'happy birthday' message.  I admit that I am feeling guilty at the thought of not acknowledging her birthday.

She's gone quiet on me again (for the last week), apart from a colleague of ours saying to me, "**** says hi" when I was on a call to him about a work matter , so I am unsure as to what impact it will have if I ignore her birthday completely.     

[Hadlee]

Thought I would post my thoughts here to get them out.  It's the birthday of my BPD friend in a few days time.  I've given it a bit of thought as to whether I will acknowledge her birthday or not.  I definitely will not be giving her a gift this year, which will be the first time in a few years.

At this point, I am leaning towards not even sending a simple 'happy birthday' message.  I admit that I am feeling guilty at the thought of not acknowledging her birthday.

She's gone quiet on me again (for the last week), apart from a colleague of ours saying to me, "**** says hi" when I was on a call to him about a work matter , so I am unsure as to what impact it will have if I ignore her birthday completely.     

[jhkbuzz]

Thought I would post my thoughts here to get them out.  It's the birthday of my BPD friend in a few days time.  I've given it a bit of thought as to whether I will acknowledge her birthday or not.  I definitely will not be giving her a gift this year, which will be the first time in a few years.

At this point, I am leaning towards not even sending a simple 'happy birthday' message.  I admit that I am feeling guilty at the thought of not acknowledging her birthday.

She's gone quiet on me again (for the last week), apart from a colleague of ours saying to me, "**** says hi" when I was on a call to him about a work matter , so I am unsure as to what impact it will have if I ignore her birthday completely.     

In a post about a week ago you said

I'm thinking my best option is to just believe she's crazy and toxic, so I can move on.

I think the real issue is that you still need to definitively decide if you want a friendship with this person.

If you do, by all means extend birthday wishes. But understand that nothing about the friendship will change - and be prepared for the heartache and chaos that this friendship will bring into your life.

If you don't, then don't. Set your boundaries firmly and don't waver.

Remember:  FOG:  fear, obligation, guilt. It sounds as though you you may feel obligated (and hence, guilty).

IMHO, it sounds like you haven't truly made a decision about whether you want this person in your life.

[Hadlee]

Thanks jhkbuzz.  You are right - I tend to waiver at times.  If I didn't work with her and have to see her at times then it would be a hell of a lot easier.  The decision would be simple... .walk away for good.

I'm still finding my feet with setting boundaries and transitioning from a close friendship to purely a working relationship.

Yes, I guess I still am in FOG as I do feel obliged to acknowledge her birthday.

[jhkbuzz]

Thanks jhkbuzz.  You are right - I tend to waiver at times.  If I didn't work with her and have to see her at times then it would be a hell of a lot easier.  The decision would be simple... .walk away for good.

I'm still finding my feet with setting boundaries and transitioning from a close friendship to purely a working relationship.

Yes, I guess I still am in FOG as I do feel obliged to acknowledge her birthday.

I understand... .working with her complicates things a LOT 

Remember, this is a process... .it's good to talk things out to work through the process.

If you ultimately decide against wishing her a happy birthday, you may want to prepare yourself for some  backlash... .she may react to your distance (talk about it to coworkers, for example) - so just be ready.

[Hadlee]

If you ultimately decide against wishing her a happy birthday, you may want to prepare yourself for some  backlash... .she may react to your distance (talk about it to coworkers, for example) - so just be ready.

That is the EXACT reason why I am wavering - aside from obligation/guilt!  

Last year on her birthday I got the death stare, and she ended up going to work on another floor rather than be anywhere near me  Took me a while to work out her reaction must have been due to the fact I didn't give her a gift on the day.  I also didn't get an invite to her birthday drinks.  The reason I didn't give it to her that day was because it hadn't arrived in time!

I was wonderful and amazing and loved and cherished a few days later though when her gift arrived  

[jhkbuzz]

If you ultimately decide against wishing her a happy birthday, you may want to prepare yourself for some  backlash... .she may react to your distance (talk about it to coworkers, for example) - so just be ready.

That is the EXACT reason why I am wavering - aside from obligation/guilt!  

Last year on her birthday I got the death stare, and she ended up going to work on another floor rather than be anywhere near me  Took me a while to work out her reaction must have been due to the fact I didn't give her a gift on the day.  I also didn't get an invite to her birthday drinks.  The reason I didn't give it to her that day was because it hadn't arrived in time!

I was wonderful and amazing and loved and cherished a few days later though when her gift arrived  

Sounds manipulative... .like emotional blackmail.

I suppose you could say "happy birthday" to keep the peace (since she is someone you have to deal with at work), but without the gift I'm guessing you'd still get the backlash.

Truth be told, ANY way you deal with it you won't win - and isn't that the hallmark of all BPD relationships?

Try to focus on what you want, and set your boundaries.  Remember, your boundaries are about what YOU will do, not about what she will do.

As someone on these boards once posted, life after a BPD relationship (romantic or friendship) should be about building boundaries in which you keep the "good" close and you keep the bad the hell OUT.

[Hadlee]

Ah yes, manipulation 101.  She's an expert

Thanks jhkbuzz.  Appreciate your advice

[ShadowIntheNight]

I'm in a similar situation. My uBPDexgf's child has a birthday later this week. I have vacillated between sending a card with money in it or not. On the one hand I sent the other sibling a card in Nov and included a gift of cash for the one who has the upcoming bday. We have been broken up since the first of August, tho in reality it was before that since she was cheating and finding my replacement prior to that time. I have known her kids since they were 2 & 4, that was 10 years ago so we have a lengthy relationship. She emailed me thanks for the Nov card then told me how stressless her life was now & how she had been doing things with new friends and she had been dating men this past Fall. (LTR lesbian relat between us.)

I read someone mention obligation and guilt & I realized that's what I'm feeling. And my fear is if I send the card she will again tell me how perfect her life is, how wonderful her new bf is and all this other stuff. And that's the fear. I have been so traumatized by all of this that I don't think I can deal with her deliberately hurting me again. So now I am leaning toward not sending it. Then again, I hate giving her all of this control of my feelings. This whole thing sucks... .That email has been our last contact.

[jhkbuzz]

I'm in a similar situation. My uBPDexgf's child has a birthday later this week. I have vacillated between sending a card with money in it or not. On the one hand I sent the other sibling a card in Nov and included a gift of cash for the one who has the upcoming bday. We have been broken up since the first of August, tho in reality it was before that since she was cheating and finding my replacement prior to that time. I have known her kids since they were 2 & 4, that was 10 years ago so we have a lengthy relationship. She emailed me thanks for the Nov card then told me how stressless her life was now & how she had been doing things with new friends and she had been dating men this past Fall. (LTR lesbian relat between us.)

I read someone mention obligation and guilt & I realized that's what I'm feeling. And my fear is if I send the card she will again tell me how perfect her life is, how wonderful her new bf is and all this other stuff. And that's the fear. I have been so traumatized by all of this that I don't think I can deal with her deliberately hurting me again. So now I am leaning toward not sending it. Then again, I hate giving her all of this control of my feelings. This whole thing sucks... .That email has been our last contact.

I'm not sure why sending the child a card and gift has to include communicating with your ex... .

[Hadlee]

Wow Shadow - I'm sorry to hear that.  That would have been awful to hear all that from her. Chances are her life really isn't that wonderful though! And it does suck.  It makes it harder when kids are invoked too   

I know I will feel as guilty as hell on the day for not buying a gift, but for me, it's the best thing in the long run.  I would feel much worse knowing I went out of my way to make her birthday special for her to continue on with the push/pull cycle, and whatever else she has up her sleeve.

[ShadowIntheNight]

I'm in a similar situation. My uBPDexgf's child has a birthday later this week. I have vacillated between sending a card with money in it or not. On the one hand I sent the other sibling a card in Nov and included a gift of cash for the one who has the upcoming bday. We have been broken up since the first of August, tho in reality it was before that since she was cheating and finding my replacement prior to that time. I have known her kids since they were 2 & 4, that was 10 years ago so we have a lengthy relationship. She emailed me thanks for the Nov card then told me how stressless her life was now & how she had been doing things with new friends and she had been dating men this past Fall. (LTR lesbian relat between us.)

I read someone mention obligation and guilt & I realized that's what I'm feeling. And my fear is if I send the card she will again tell me how perfect her life is, how wonderful her new bf is and all this other stuff. And that's the fear. I have been so traumatized by all of this that I don't think I can deal with her deliberately hurting me again. So now I am leaning toward not sending it. Then again, I hate giving her all of this control of my feelings. This whole thing sucks... .That email has been our last contact.

I'm not sure why sending the child a card and gift has to include communicating with your ex... .

As she did in Nov, she took it upon herself to thank me for the cards to her kids and then let me know about her perfect life. In the past they always had. I think she might do that again. As I say, I'm still vacillating and even if I wait and it arrives late that wouldn't be that big a deal. But Thx for ur response, it helps to see other thoughts.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Wow Shadow - I'm sorry to hear that.  That would have been awful to hear all that from her. Chances are her life really isn't that wonderful though! And it does suck.  It makes it harder when kids are invoked too   

I know I will feel as guilty as hell on the day for not buying a gift, but for me, it's the best thing in the long run.  I would feel much worse knowing I went out of my way to make her birthday special for her to continue on with the push/pull cycle, and whatever else she has up her sleeve.

Thx Hadlee, sorry to hijack ur thread. She sent me a bday card in August and that's when she told me she was switching teams again (known she was attracted to women since a teen, got married at 25 as it was expected of her, divorced after 10 yrs, we got together 6 mos after that for 9.5 yrs, her Hispanic mother confronted her about whether she & I were a lesbian couple, and since then she has jumped back in the closet). I didn't send her one. Have no idea if she cared or not. Probably why she emailed me in Nov, now that I think of it: upset I didn't send her one, but sent her kid one. She makes a big deal about people remembering her bday. Ours were two weeks apart, so it didn't seem right for me to say here's a card for you too after what hers contained for me.

[Hadlee]

Not a problem Shadow  that's an interesting story.  My friend has recently split from her bf of 9 years.  She has displayed romantic feelings towards me even though I am dead straight.  I suspect she may be in the closet.  Then again it could just be identity crisis.  She hasn't had a relationship with a woman before - well, not that she's told me anyway.  She has said a few times that she's not gay even though everyone thinks she is.

That does make sense why your ex may have emailed you.  It probably reminded her that she didn't receive anything from you for her birthday!  

On top of the way my friend behaved last year regarding not receiving a gift on the day, she made sure to tell me that our mutual friend was taking her to lunch.  Then after she came back to work she had to tell me that they went to a place where I refuse to go to with her!  Hmmm I only turned that place down once in favour of another place.  And it happened months before that day.  Oh but she remembered  Her being peeved off about that was news to me!

[jhkbuzz]

I'm in a similar situation. My uBPDexgf's child has a birthday later this week. I have vacillated between sending a card with money in it or not. On the one hand I sent the other sibling a card in Nov and included a gift of cash for the one who has the upcoming bday. We have been broken up since the first of August, tho in reality it was before that since she was cheating and finding my replacement prior to that time. I have known her kids since they were 2 & 4, that was 10 years ago so we have a lengthy relationship. She emailed me thanks for the Nov card then told me how stressless her life was now & how she had been doing things with new friends and she had been dating men this past Fall. (LTR lesbian relat between us.)

I read someone mention obligation and guilt & I realized that's what I'm feeling. And my fear is if I send the card she will again tell me how perfect her life is, how wonderful her new bf is and all this other stuff. And that's the fear. I have been so traumatized by all of this that I don't think I can deal with her deliberately hurting me again. So now I am leaning toward not sending it. Then again, I hate giving her all of this control of my feelings. This whole thing sucks... .That email has been our last contact.

I'm not sure why sending the child a card and gift has to include communicating with your ex... .

As she did in Nov, she took it upon herself to thank me for the cards to her kids and then let me know about her perfect life. In the past they always had. I think she might do that again. As I say, I'm still vacillating and even if I wait and it arrives late that wouldn't be that big a deal. But Thx for ur response, it helps to see other thoughts.

You have a choice in that, you know... .you can block texts and emails.  Or you can delete things without reading them.

I guess I'm thinking about the kids in this situation, because one of the reasons I hung on for so long in my own r/s was because of my stepdaughter. I also believe that children shouldn't suffer for the adults in their lives, so... .if there is a way to let her kids know that you still love them that's awesome... .but it might take some serious self control on your part (not allowing yourself to communicate with your ex in the process).

[jhkbuzz]

Then after she came back to work she had to tell me that they went to a place where I refuse to go to with her! Hmmm I only turned that place down once in favour of another place.  And it happened months before that day.  Oh but she remembered  Her being peeved off about that was news to me!

Isn't it interesting that she remembered MONTHS later?  That you somehow "offended" her because you had an opinion on where YOU wanted to eat?  That's what I meant earlier by "you can't win" with a pwBPD... .conversations and disagreements that would be absolute non-issues with most people become points of contention and discord with a pwBPD.  That really isn't any way to live.

As an aside:  towards the end of my relationship with my exBPD gf I was AMAZED to learn (for the first time) about the resentments she held onto... .sometimes going back to the beginning of our 8 year r/s.  The completely perplexing thing about it was that they seemed so insignificant to me, but they were huge to her.

[Hadlee]

Then after she came back to work she had to tell me that they went to a place where I refuse to go to with her! Hmmm I only turned that place down once in favour of another place.  And it happened months before that day.  Oh but she remembered  Her being peeved off about that was news to me!

Isn't it interesting that she remembered MONTHS later?  That you somehow "offended" her because you had an opinion on where YOU wanted to eat?  That's what I meant earlier by "you can't win" with a pwBPD... .conversations and disagreements that would be absolute non-issues with most people become points of contention and discord with a pwBPD.  That really isn't any way to live.

As an aside:  towards the end of my relationship with my exBPD gf I was AMAZED to learn (for the first time) about the resentments she held onto... .sometimes going back to the beginning of our 8 year r/s.  The completely perplexing thing about it was that they seemed so insignificant to me, but they were huge to her.

It is interesting indeed.  I had forgotten all about that conversation until earlier.  I thought it was a little odd at the time, but didn't give it anymore thought... .until now.  Makes me now wonder... .God knows what else she is resentful about . I really can't be bothered, but I'm sure if I think back over time, there would be other instances like that - subtle remarks, etc that I didn't really pay attention to.

And wow - holding on to things for 8 years!  That's dedication

Thanks so much jhkbuzz - chatting to you has made another penny drop

[jhkbuzz]

Then after she came back to work she had to tell me that they went to a place where I refuse to go to with her! Hmmm I only turned that place down once in favour of another place.  And it happened months before that day.  Oh but she remembered  Her being peeved off about that was news to me!

Isn't it interesting that she remembered MONTHS later?  That you somehow "offended" her because you had an opinion on where YOU wanted to eat?  That's what I meant earlier by "you can't win" with a pwBPD... .conversations and disagreements that would be absolute non-issues with most people become points of contention and discord with a pwBPD.  That really isn't any way to live.

As an aside:  towards the end of my relationship with my exBPD gf I was AMAZED to learn (for the first time) about the resentments she held onto... .sometimes going back to the beginning of our 8 year r/s.  The completely perplexing thing about it was that they seemed so insignificant to me, but they were huge to her.

It is interesting indeed.  I had forgotten all about that conversation until earlier.  I thought it was a little odd at the time, but didn't give it anymore thought... .until now.  Makes me now wonder... .God knows what else she is resentful about . I really can't be bothered, but I'm sure if I think back over time, there would be other instances like that - subtle remarks, etc that I didn't really pay attention to.

And wow - holding on to things for 8 years!  That's dedication

Thanks so much jhkbuzz - chatting to you has made another penny drop

"Penny drop"?    What does that mean?  (I'm in the U.S. - are you elsewhere?)

[Hadlee]

Ah yes I am  I just mean that it now makes sense to me knowing that she resented things I had no idea about.  I hadn't thought of that before

[lm911]

I will tell you what happened with me. I was in no contact, but still I called her in the first minuted after twelve in the night and I managed to say : "Happy birthday" and she hang up  I was going to wish her all the best, but that is what happened.

[lm911]

I will tell you what happened with me. I was in no contact, but I still called her in the first minutes after twelve in the night and I managed to say : "Happy birthday" and she hang up   I was going to wish her all the best, but that is what happened.