Setting boundaries with terminally ill BPDm who lies about treatment

[Cheesden]

Hi. I am new to this community and am really struggling to decide if I should terminate all contact with my BPD mom.  I live in another country so this should be easy enough to do were it not for the guilt.

By way of background, my BPDm has a history of feigned illness.  When I was in my early twenties she told the family she had leukemia.  I didn't live with her then but my father and sister believed the diagnosis and so did I.  She was wasting, had lost her hair and appeared to be attending at the cross cancer for treatment.  While this was happening the violence between my parents increased and my BODm and sister moved to a shelter. Leaving my sister in the shelter, my BPD mom went to hospital and was admitted. She was in a regular ward and we still believed the cancer diagnosis.  When visiting one afternoon, I came upon violent episode with my BPD mom locked in the bathroom threatening to kill herself if they moved her to the psych ward. She kept saying but I have cancer. The doctors didn't tell us what was really going on until contacted a lawyer.  It was after this hospitalisation that we first heard the term BPD.  I took custody of my sister, dropped out of school to support the family and did my best to heal my shattered heart.  My BPDm still blames me for failing to protect her (I was 20) as they administered ECT which she blames for memory loss and cognitive impairment.  Fast forward 18 years. My BPD is diagnoses with Hep C and undergoes interferon treatment - this has been confirmed.  She tells us that her body couldn't tolerate it and that treatment was unsuccessful.  She later informs us that she has been diagnosed with liver cancer but that they caught it early and she is hopeful.  Her physical appearance suggests that she is indeed very ill.  At the same time, we learn that my father has bone cancer and is in intensive care. Mom empathises with dad's situation because she knows how hard chemo is etc.  I fly home to visit both parents who live in opposite sides of the country anti is agonising to see them both like this. With mom I am on best behaviour praying that we can have one good visit/memory before she goes.  Fast forward another year.  We learn that while the diagnosis of hep c and liver disease is true, there was no cancer or associated treatments.  She is in liver failure though (I think) and they have discovered a mass on her lung (confirmed). Some of these diagnosis are confirmed but we can't trust a word she says.  She is shooting orally prescribed morphine to the point of delerium/psychosis and yet the doctor continues to prescribe.  My sister and I are shut out of her medical information.  In response to my comment about the morphine addiction - I am now/again enemy number one and have not spoken to her in two weeks.  Hate mail and guilt mail fill my inbox.  The latest message says she is going In For life threatening surgery and I am a cold heartless selfish etc. to not be there for her in her time of need.  I know that I don't need to tolerate this behaviour but am afraid of the repercussions to my psyche should she die when our relationship is in such an ugly place.  My mothers last words are to cruel to reproduce - complete character assassination.  I have been to the doctor to seek help with anxiety.  She is of the opinion that I am suffering from PTS and has prescribed anti-anxiety medication. There are no therapy services available to me so I have been directed to an online CBT course.  I am concerned that this may not be enough. I am so anxious/guilty over my decision to distance myself and I am afraid of the consequences on my psyche should my BPDm die.  Has anyone out there managed this type of situation successfully.

[finallyfaceit]

God Cheesden I am so sorry, you have had a marathon of pain with your mom, that is for sure.

Some things sound familiar to me, the Narcissism and hypochondria and lies are all tied together, it's the "me me me" behavior where they try to make you feel bad, so they play the victim and make lots of noise about their trumped up and/or real health issues. Meanwhile your situation is complicated by having her actual health issues and facing the idea of her passing without ever getting that peaceful loving connection with her which you crave.

Have you ever read Drama of the Gifted Child? I just ordered myself a copy.

I think as children of BPD moms we are so used to suppressing our own needs emotions and feelings that it's hard to know when we must put our own needs first.

You know how, when you are on an airplane they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on before you help anyone else? That's what I think we need to do for ourselves.

We cannot make our moms hear logic, or be sane. All we can do is put our wishes out there.

You are NOT a bad person for distancing yourself. You are a SANE person. You are right to listen to your instincts of self preservation and your are smart to sense your own peace of mind is being compromised. Don't allow obligation and guilt to drown your life. Get yourself into therapy with a real person. There are places with sliding scales if your don't have insurance that covers it. They might be able to get you on a mild anti-depressant to help alleviate the anxiety. I am doing this for myself and trying to extricate myself from my mom's current psychotic break- her BPD just morphed into full blown schizoaffective disorder and I'm trying to adjust, so I know it's easier said than done, but I repeat- you MUST protect yourself. Tell your mom you love her and start taking care of yourself. I know it feels impossible but getting yourself some added support should be your focus right now. What good is seeing her if she is hateful and abusive towards you? Then nobody is happy. Your daughterly duties do not include sacrificing your own sanity for her. Hang in there.

[Harri]

Hi Cheesden.  I am so sorry you are dealing with such a hurtful situation.  The lies and exaggerations on top of the abusive behaviors are so very difficult to deal with.  When our parents do their best to manipulate us with health issues, it does make it difficult to process and know what to do.

My mother was similar in terms of being a hypochondriac and it was only towards the last 7-8 years of her life that she bothered to get medical help.  Prior to that, all her health problems were due to the stress I put her under and all the hurtful and horrible things I did to her.  "Stress kills Harri" and "this is happening to me because of you Harri" are things I heard for decades.  When she finally did get sick for real (cancer) she did say that it was from all the stress she had been under.  She went through treatment and was clear for a while but then it came back.  It was only after she died that my brother and I were able to figure out she had been told she was terminal but never told us.

The thing is our relationship never did get to a good place.  We had reached a point where she knew I would walk away from her if she pulled crap and she very clearly saw me as a selfish rotten person.  She is the type that required a very hard line in terms of boundaries and would do her best to push them when she could.  In the last year of her life, her cancer came back but she told everyone she was fine and no treatment was required.  It was only after she died that my brother and I realized she had known she was terminal.  During that time, I was dealing with my own illness and she did try to reach out to me to go for lunch or go shopping.  I always refused even when i was having a good day.  I simply did not want to be around her.  She was the type to take advantage of any chance to bi*ch at me and play victim and she always had to get her digs in.  I was torn and felt like I was rotten and selfish but I just did not have it in me to be around her.  I thought I was horribly flawed and incapable of love for my whole life due to my relationship with my mother.

The thing is, it took being at the hospital and then by her beside as she was dying the last three days of her life that made me see I did know how to love and I knew how to love very well.  It was my mother's behaviors that prevented me from demonstrating that love and compassion.  I think that is something that applies to all of us who have been used as the scapegoat and as a vessel for all their self hatred and anger who have been told we are rotten people.

So please, do get all the support you can from the online course and take the meds.  This board here is a wonderful place for support as well.  Don't underestimate the power of this place and the tools offered here.  When you do decide if you want to maintain  or end contact with your mother, remember that you can change your mind.