Stress is constant, black & white thinking+teen looking BPD=divorce

[Depression = 72% of members]

This is looking like the right place to get help please. My spouse and his whole family seem to be black and white thinkers which, was funny many years ago. My spouse has agreed lately that he has some serious issues as our teen is having problems too now, they are like peas in a pod almost.

I have two teens (one from a previous relationship) and over a year ago there was a bizarre and hurtful incident that led him to storm off on Christmas day having completely devalued me for having a hangover.  Both my teens stated that they felt he should get some professional help as he was constantly emanating a dark cloud which made us all on edge generally.

It is now nearly two years later and my husband has left for hopefully a short time to sort his head out, although he says it's permanent to me alone, not to the teens.  He has tried to make me decide to separate for him by twisting things and finally misconstrued some text and words said in haste to rent a room at a friends house permanently, financially this is a drain.  I have repeatedly pointed out to him that I only wanted him to go to a friends for a few weeks, not forever but he refuses to believe he has manipulated my words.  I think this is because he cannot stand being in limbo.  Our house repairs are overwhelming and he blames that and any little thing I or one of my friends has done in the past for his unhappiness.  It's all so complicated and I hope my tumbling words make sense.

He seems to invite stress and thrive on it, can't keep still.  Lately he has bought a brand new motorbike and second hand sports car (his behaviour was going on before the midlife crisis symptoms).  He has had two mental breakdowns over bad business decisions costing us over 40k There has been another bad business issue lately which has cost approx 20k and lost contracts.  This is the third time he has started work with a business partner and he has recently admitted he is a bad judge of character.  The latest one, he is blaming which is correct except to say he did not need a partner in the first instance and ignored my view, going ahead setting up the company anyway.

Regarding our youngest too, embellishing truths so much that we got reported for abuse, she is telling fibs and was complaining of being angry for no reason many times.  She is the apple of my husbands eye and since finding out what "splitting" is, I know he is devastated by his daughter's betrayal more than he should be, even though it was all ok in the end.  He is now holding a painful grudge against his teen he adores (eldest is from a previous relationship) and is struggling resenting and talking to her.  These grudges can last for years over much more minor things, totally irrational.

He is quite an exhibitionist, charms people and goes to their aid if they have a dripping tap.  We have so much repair work to do at home I resent it so he lies about where he's at.  If I complain I get devalued of course.

Normally when my spouse is stressed I can stay calm until the escalation is over.  But I know he will be holding a grudge about any perceived perpetrator of any crime against him then demonise them behind their back.  I can hardly ever get angry or things quickly take a turn for the worse, not physical just communications are impossible.

The past 10 months have been horrendous and though he shows signs of coming out of his proverbial cave, he seems to be stuck in a stress loop using his coping habits that I know won't work.  He is destroying his life by involuntary sabotage and his extreme desire for success by hard work is doomed.  

He normally apportions blame and deflects like a machine gun for a day or two at most, yet this is now more or less constant due to our financial and relationship issues, catch 22.  We have been talking a lot about his childhood which was not pleasant.  I listen with concern, validate and sympathise to no avail.

His family are gossips and very similar.  They live in another country and due to a family illness lasting over a decade, he has visited many times.  I find that his behaviour is worse when he's been around them all.

He refuses to go on a family holiday, counselling, has alienated me from his family and as I write this I see how pants my life has been for many years.

He is now in his digs which are nowhere near as nice as our house that he says is his main stresser.  He doesn't even really know the real truth of why he has ended up constantly angry, sad etc but I'm glad he is away from us.  He knows he can't carry on like this, the problem is within himself and will follow him.  I have taken over two years to lead him gently to have an epiphany so he will get some help.

The traits I have read about he does every one of them nearly every day now.  He is secretive about minor things, tells white lies, deflects, can't talk to those he has an issue with, rarely apologises, does superhero for others, always on his phone texting with people I have met but never talk to me, constantly looking for affirmation from his family and so on and on and on.

Tonight he popped in for clothes and was over an hour late, nice enough for chatting but anger and anxiety just below the surface.  I set a boundary that he must text if he's late from now on and not carry on the disrespect from before.

Now I feel I should just accept he's going however, I have experience of having a child with another and how it's worth trying. This simply has to get resolved as he is in my life forever and it will be worse when the joint parenting borders are crossed as they frequently will.

He is not diagnosed and my back is against the wall as I must not let my younger teen carry on adopting any more negative behaviours from either of us for her future happiness.

I am 90% certain he is regretting his decision to move out the other day and is presently concocting self deceptive scenarios in his head to protect his large but delicate ego. I have worked hard at ensuring he will have to face the truth now by giving no devaluing opportunities.  

Looking forward to any helpful ruminations.

Oh and I am also pretty certain he has been talking to family and friends for advice, not telling them how he truly is at home.  I haven't seen or talked to any of them for quite some time now.

[Lockheart]

This is looking like the right place to get help please. My spouse and his whole family seem to be black and white thinkers which, was funny many years ago. My spouse has agreed lately that he has some serious issues as our teen is having problems too now, they are like peas in a pod almost.

I have two teens (one from a previous relationship) and over a year ago there was a bizarre and hurtful incident that led him to storm off on Christmas day having completely devalued me for having a hangover.  Both my teens stated that they felt he should get some professional help as he was constantly emanating a dark cloud which made us all on edge generally.

It is now nearly two years later and my husband has left for hopefully a short time to sort his head out, although he says it's permanent to me alone, not to the teens.  He has tried to make me decide to separate for him by twisting things and finally misconstrued some text and words said in haste to rent a room at a friends house permanently, financially this is a drain.  I have repeatedly pointed out to him that I only wanted him to go to a friends for a few weeks, not forever but he refuses to believe he has manipulated my words.  I think this is because he cannot stand being in limbo.  Our house repairs are overwhelming and he blames that and any little thing I or one of my friends has done in the past for his unhappiness.  It's all so complicated and I hope my tumbling words make sense.

He seems to invite stress and thrive on it, can't keep still.  Lately he has bought a brand new motorbike and second hand sports car (his behaviour was going on before the midlife crisis symptoms).  He has had two mental breakdowns over bad business decisions costing us over 40k There has been another bad business issue lately which has cost approx 20k and lost contracts.  This is the third time he has started work with a business partner and he has recently admitted he is a bad judge of character.  The latest one, he is blaming which is correct except to say he did not need a partner in the first instance and ignored my view, going ahead setting up the company anyway.

Regarding our youngest too, embellishing truths so much that we got reported for abuse, she is telling fibs and was complaining of being angry for no reason many times.  She is the apple of my husbands eye and since finding out what "splitting" is, I know he is devastated by his daughter's betrayal more than he should be, even though it was all ok in the end.  He is now holding a painful grudge against his teen he adores (eldest is from a previous relationship) and is struggling resenting and talking to her.  These grudges can last for years over much more minor things, totally irrational.

He is quite an exhibitionist, charms people and goes to their aid if they have a dripping tap.  We have so much repair work to do at home I resent it so he lies about where he's at.  If I complain I get devalued of course.

Normally when my spouse is stressed I can stay calm until the escalation is over.  But I know he will be holding a grudge about any perceived perpetrator of any crime against him then demonise them behind their back.  I can hardly ever get angry or things quickly take a turn for the worse, not physical just communications are impossible.

The past 10 months have been horrendous and though he shows signs of coming out of his proverbial cave, he seems to be stuck in a stress loop using his coping habits that I know won't work.  He is destroying his life by involuntary sabotage and his extreme desire for success by hard work is doomed.  

He normally apportions blame and deflects like a machine gun for a day or two at most, yet this is now more or less constant due to our financial and relationship issues, catch 22.  We have been talking a lot about his childhood which was not pleasant.  I listen with concern, validate and sympathise to no avail.

His family are gossips and very similar.  They live in another country and due to a family illness lasting over a decade, he has visited many times.  I find that his behaviour is worse when he's been around them all.

He refuses to go on a family holiday, counselling, has alienated me from his family and as I write this I see how pants my life has been for many years.

He is now in his digs which are nowhere near as nice as our house that he says is his main stresser.  He doesn't even really know the real truth of why he has ended up constantly angry, sad etc but I'm glad he is away from us.  He knows he can't carry on like this, the problem is within himself and will follow him.  I have taken over two years to lead him gently to have an epiphany so he will get some help.

The traits I have read about he does every one of them nearly every day now.  He is secretive about minor things, tells white lies, deflects, can't talk to those he has an issue with, rarely apologises, does superhero for others, always on his phone texting with people I have met but never talk to me, constantly looking for affirmation from his family and so on and on and on.

Tonight he popped in for clothes and was over an hour late, nice enough for chatting but anger and anxiety just below the surface.  I set a boundary that he must text if he's late from now on and not carry on the disrespect from before.

Now I feel I should just accept he's going however, I have experience of having a child with another and how it's worth trying. This simply has to get resolved as he is in my life forever and it will be worse when the joint parenting borders are crossed as they frequently will.

He is not diagnosed and my back is against the wall as I must not let my younger teen carry on adopting any more negative behaviours from either of us for her future happiness.

I am 90% certain he is regretting his decision to move out the other day and is presently concocting self deceptive scenarios in his head to protect his large but delicate ego. I have worked hard at ensuring he will have to face the truth now by giving no devaluing opportunities.  

Looking forward to any helpful ruminations.

Oh and I am also pretty certain he has been talking to family and friends for advice, not telling them how he truly is at home.  I haven't seen or talked to any of them for quite some time now.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

Hello Lockheart,



I'm sorry for what brought you here but I'm glad you're with us.  We help and support each other; we have been in a similar situation to yours. From what you have said I think you belong here; you will fit in.

It sounds like a lot of history is involved in this. I'm sorry that you've had to experience it. Perhaps I missed it, but what precipitated his getting his own place?

I suggest you read the boards and the articles. You will get a wealth of information, advice and support. There are communication skills that will minimize the behavior of someone with BPD and these have proven successful for some of the members here.

Keep posting - it is very therapeutic, and you will be greeted by other people with circumstanced similar to your own. You will be amazed. Take care of yourself.

[Lockheart]

Thank you for welcoming me so warmly, and once again apologies if this is disjointed.

The precipitations are many, lots of stress especially over the last year to do with some teens x 2 problems and a lucrative work contract that I can only say went wrong.  With hindsight I can see a lot more and why these things happen.  It's not the first time a major project/business idea has gone awry.  There have been two breakdowns over awry work situations where he has been "out of it", doctor round and debilitated for a few weeks.

After my finding out he had been messaging and talking to a female friend of his (20+ years long friendship) who is getting divorced and, to others about how unhappy he is, I challenged him strongly, I was gutted.  I found out he was basically leaving for a better life as "life is too short”.  The friend called our relationship toxic and competitive, this friend having stayed with us many years ago and has listened to my husband and caused problems on other occassions, I thought she liked me.  Other people include his family who only talk to me if they have to. I can now see they have all devalued me happily for over 15 years and I have been alienated, too much said too many times.  The family dynamic on his side is obvious to me now.

For at least the past 18 months we have bickered and didn't really get anywhere, something was amiss and I was confused as I have a good sense of his demeanours. I went to stay with a poorly relative for a few days to help there and get away.  I asked that he go stay at a friends soon after I was to return, just for a few weeks so I could get my head together about our home and some unrealistic suggestions he was making.  (I have to add that my husband does not go on family holidays and only ever goes to see his family, he says he doesn’t like going away and doesn’t deserve a holiday).  These suggestions included him staying within our home whilst he finished building and maintenance works he had been putting off for years.  He was obsessed that we had just remortgaged and had two years before we had to sell or make other plans.  He couldn’t seem to say if he was staying in the house or moving out.  He was being very magnanimous saying he didn’t want anything from a settlement and simply bizarre.  I felt I was being emotionally blackmailed and financially soothed.  He was clutching at ideas for answers which I had noticed on other occasions when he has been under immense stress.

I realised by some things being said that he believed I had asked him to leave for good.  I called him and he confirmed that was his belief so I reiterated kindly it was only for some mental space.  He proudly proclaimed that it was too late and he had made arrangements.

So off he went after a long conversation, one of many lately explaining about his childhood and admitting he cannot talk to anyone he has an issue with and why we were possibly at where we were.  So much more of course but it was a relief he was talking lately.  Then he got a small scruffy flight case and went off.  He didn't tell me where he was going and I didn’t ask, when I did find out it was a friend of his I know so I asked for the correct address and he said he didn’t know it and even asked why I needed it.  Two days later he told me he wasn't staying there anymore but at another friends of ours, nearer by and the house was empty.

He has been round every day bar one for the past 10 days, picking up a few more clothes, tools for jobs, using the computer for invoices etc, doing a bit of work on the house.  First of all he was acting like he doesn't live here anymore by knocking the door and asking to go into rooms, but I said he still does live here in my mind at the moment but to let me know when he's coming incase I have visitors.  A half boundary so to speak and he found this difficult to understand.

Tonight he has nowhere to stay as the friend has said he needs his house back (that was quick?).  He will have to stay here in another room.  I feel like he is totally testing me at every juncture of every conversation, every move and I’m not reacting like I normally do.  For now I am sticking to 3 weeks of him staying at a friends and being civil, lots of talking going on but I will not be asking him to come back home.  He made his mind up he was walking out on me and needs to find his own excuse to tell others.  He cannot return on his terms, only on mine, my terms are you must ask to come back and he knows I will set new boundaries for behaviour.  He has seen a psychiatrist twice, he says and knows what’s wrong with him, I’m guessing he didn’t like what they said or he didn't tell them anything useful other than he was stressed and unhappy, about to lose his family and home.  A load of untruths that have taken seed in his head and now becoming fact.

Our teens are away most of the time and the youngest is at boarding school.  She is exhibiting signs of learnt behaviour which, he agrees with one day then not the next.  I got him to agree to tell our teens he is staying away from the house because it is making him stressed looking at all the work he has to do (he has told me this many times also), and to afford time to think about his critical decisions which, will affect us all for the rest of our lives.  He told the youngest just last night, as she is back for a week, and now is coming back for one night so I pointed out to him that it is confusing.  He doesn't seem to think about anything but his own needs and gets agitated and very anxious easily.

He also wanted to take youngest and I out to lunch today, but youngest didn't want to go preferring to spend time with her friends she hasn’t seen.  She even arranged to be picked up without asking me saying she didn't want to spend time with stressy adults.  I told him and he was upset but eventually understood after talking to her however, she didn’t say to him what she said to me.  I find his behaviour totally irrational plus, he is showing signs of stereo typical mid-life crisis and has bought large items with 4 and 2 wheels.  We struggle to keep our youngest in boarding school and sent her there because she was being bullied and not happy in school.  People are noticing his behaviour and asking if he’s having a mid-life crisis in jest.

[Meili]

That certainly sounds like a lot going on. What are conversations with him like today? Are the two of you communicating, or does it seem like neither is actually being heard?

[Lockheart]

Today is our 15 year wedding anniversary.  Our teens have purposefully stayed away especially the youngest wants to stay at her friends and I don't blame her.  The eldest called because I was expecting to have to pick her up due to a missed train saying she was staying at a friends.  I am Shirley Valentine I think.  I bought a small present for my husband and a slightly humorous card that had no mush because I want to feel real even if quite down.  He went off to a friends and said he would be there a short time, the friend has a phycology degree and is very understanding of him tight now but I never speak with that friend.  Husband came in after 11pm obviously very, very tired and remorseful but no real emotion, just deflection.

Everything he does to evade, duck and dive seems almost comical, yet it hurts so much.  Tonight I have switched of totally and can barely speak to him even though he came in fake chatty.  He's off to his sick parents next week for a while with no return date and I need the space, this is so toxic.  They need to see how he really is for a while I think.  I am a caring loving person and always like to talk things through, now I am muted and ill with his projected anxiety and alienation by the people he talks to.  The teens are dismayed at his lack of respect for me, it is like living with Mr Hyde. 

I have arranged to furnish a spare room to rent out as my husband has some very large loans as a result of buying two large items and paying off credit cards that enabled extracting from contracts years ago that went wrong.   His financial irresponsibility is making matters worse and I have just landed a very lucrative contract (which I can barely concentrate on) which exacerbates his present and temporary self loathing pity party.  All the signs for BPD are there and I also realised he depends on our younger daughter as part of a drama triangle, she feels it too I'm sure so is avoiding him.

[Lockheart]

I finally had a one to one this morning as yesterday was just too much.  There may be hope as he is accepting his b and w thinking is happening.  He is just going from crisis to crisis, often having created them because of his b and w thinking, it's ground hog day for him.  Any suggestions on how to be supportive whilst he is like this are truly welcomed.

[once removed]

is there any romance between the two of you? that might be something to build on.

in terms of saving your marriage, i think getting him back in the home is a major priority. i would let go of having that happen on your terms. in his mind, you booted him out. i think you want to send the opposite message.

[Meili]

I agree with once removed about getting him back in the home. It will make efforts to save the marriage easier and remove the perception of being controlling.

As far as how to be supportive, validate the valid.

[Lockheart]

He is giving hugs today and being calmer. I've taken a bit of a dive as my eldest left home today for greener pastures and experiences.  He isn't telling me much and acting like he's single and need not let me know if he's coming in late etc.  He's making sexual innuendos which I find bizarre.

I will be setting up a large spare room as a study bedroom to rent out for extra income but I am thinking to make it into his or my room for some mental space, a bolt hole.

I will try and give him as much space as I can but it's exhausting wondering if he's devaluing my every move or gesture.