Do not have romantic feelings

[Depression = 72% of members]

I feel like I am a bit broken in the romance department. Just wondering if anyone has some advice or insight that would help with trying to have "in love" feelings for bpd spouse. I know this is not specific enough, but has anyone been able to grow those kinds of feelings when they were not there?

[Selfishsally]

I feel like I am a bit broken in the romance department. Just wondering if anyone has some advice or insight that would help with trying to have "in love" feelings for bpd spouse. I know this is not specific enough, but has anyone been able to grow those kinds of feelings when they were not there?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

It’s difficult when you look reality straight in the eye. Appreciating small things might help rebuild the love.

[Selfishsally]

Cat,
  yes! I can in the moment appreciate those things.
 We were separated for awhile, are in marriage counseling and things feel safer for me and the kids. I know that he really wants to be with me and I can be affectionate with him and maintain a healthy sex life. So, I do feel I can enjoy the moment for the most part, I just can't feel anything that is deeper then it's  fine.
 I just keep telling myself, "give it time."  And I am just hoping that works.

[Cat Familiar]

What led to you falling *out of love* with him? How can those feelings be addressed through therapy—maybe individually, rather than through your marriage counseling?

[Selfishsally]

Thank you Cat. I am in individual counseling and have started discussing this issue with him but we haven't really gotten into it

As far as "falling out of love" for me I lost feelings through out the years of  him trying to control me and keep me living in fear. He was never physically abusive he just knew what I was scared of and use that against me.

Presently he has not been doing that but there are a few things addressed in marriage counseling that he has not followed through with that keep me  from feeling close to him.
I really have the feeling that I just can not have those feelings of being in love with anyone.

[Notwendy]

Perhaps you are expecting too much of yourself. You will feel whatever you feel- we can't control our feelings. It's hard to feel love when you are feeling fear and resentment.

We can work on them though. Fear and resentment are prominent feelings when someone is co-dependent. We (I have had to work on this too) feel resentment when we are doing too much for someone, or doing something out of fear. Fear is often a driving force for co-dependent behavior- we do too much as a way to manage our fears of the other person's reaction. Or we say "yes" when we mean "no" because we are afraid to say "no".

Resentment then becomes our clue. If we are feeling resentment, we know we are acting in co-dependent ways. With fear, we need to use our cognition. Fear is there to protect us. If you are in danger, fear is appropriate. If the situation isn't dangerous, then we can choose to manage it ( sometimes this takes some personal work).

With your H, you may have fallen in love with his persona. That's not all of him. The Dr. Jekyll side is the public side, but with you, there's Mr. Hyde too- the part he tried to hide- and the part you don't like. Rather than try to regain the feelings of when you first met and were with his persona side, know that you are with the whole person.

It's been said that love is a verb, not a feeling. It starts with self love and self care. If you have been focusing on him, you might just feel burned out. You need to take care of yourself first. Love for him could also be a decision to not enable him. It's not loving to do that because it keeps him from learning new behaviors. Love for both yourself and him might be a decision to not JADE, or engage in circular arguments. Start here, take care of yourself. It takes time and there's not a time frame for this. In time it will be clearer if this relationship can work or not. It may be that the only feeling you have now is that you love him enough to make this effort.

[WBoase]

I can relate. I've been married to an undiagnosed, high performing impulsive BPD wife for more than two decades. I've had to overlook a lot for a long time. The latest episode was almost a deal breaker. But we're not young people and the problems associated with dividing everything up and starting over is just more than I want to embark on at this point in my life.

I hate to have to admit it to myself, but at this point she's just "here" as far as I'm concerned. I'm weary of confronting her about her erratic behavior.

She actually has many very good traits. But I've had to accept that some of her thought processes are very nontypical and she's totally incapable of developing any self awareness on the matter.

I'll stay and I'll work to understand why she does what she does. But the bond I once felt with her has been severely weakened. I've realized that the bond can't exist in one direction only and that she's unable to reciprocate.

That bonding ability is something that's missing in her to the extent that she doesn't understand  what it is.

[Hope4Joy]

I am right there with you. I love my husband and care for him. I tell myself mentally ill people are deserving of love, but at the same time there has been so much hurt and just honestly really messed up stuff that has happened over more than a decade (that he is only just now starting to own up to) that it’s hard to feel desire for him. He totally feels the lack of desire which is crushing for him. We are also in couseling now, which doesn’t seem to be getting anywhere. I also am seeing a counselor who has discussed codependency and boundaries with me. I’m still working up the courage to face codependency.

[WBoase]

Hope4Joy,

I've considered counseling for myself. But how can you squeeze a quarter century of this stuff together and make anyone understand?

I'm my own counselor. I'm the only one that knows what has transpired and can understand. Unless a person has spent a great quantity of time with someone who is BPD, they're not going to be able to get a handle on it. It's far too complex. And even if they *do* understand, what can they give you that will enable you to cope with it?

Bottom line. If you find yourself involved with a BPD individual, you stay or you go.

I've chosen to stay. But I'm my own person. I won't allow someone else's problems to become mine. She was 37 when we married, I was 42. That was 24 years ago. Both of us were etched in stone when we got together.

If I had become as aware 20 years ago as I am now, I would have bailed. But whatcha gonna do?

My solution, at this point, is to live a large part of my life independent of her. She doesn't really see it and I'm happy that she doesn't. I don't feel any animosity towards her. I just can let myself be involved with her beyond a point.

I just live my life and hope the best for her. Who she is was created long before I knew her. I can't fix it. I can only insulate myself from it.

[Hope4Joy]

WBoase, I certainly haven’t been able to explain every detail of our lives in counseling I have done so far. Just being able to tell a person that I think I’m dealing with BPD is helpful. I really struggle not to speak about it with my husband. My counselor knows I need boundaries if this is BPD. She has been able to point out to me where I needed an emotional boundary when I shared a recent experience.

It sounds like you have detached somewhat and may have different needs than myself at this point? Trying a few counseling sessions can’t hurt though.