Am I Addicted to my Borderline Partner?

[Illusion_2011]

Friends,

You've been so kind and understanding ... .no one on this board has slammed me, despite the fact that I often felt like I deserved to be slammed for being stupid enough to fall in love with someone so volatile and unstable. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I did something incredibly, terribly, awfully stupid. I broke No Contact. But more than that ... .I broke No Contact after threatening to get a restraining order against him if he contacted me. Why? That invalidates all of my threats now! I'm like the Boy Who Cried Wolf. :-( I'm very disappointed in myself.

I just had to share where I'm at with you guys, because I'm having a really hard time with this No Contact thing. I'm an educated woman. I'm successful. Why is this so hard for me? I'm losing my self-respect a bit here. I don't understand why I'm self-destructing through this relationship. It's like I can't let go of some dream I have of us. The physicality of our relationship is so amazing - I just want to feel that way one more time. Like a drug ... .

I sat and thought about how sad I was for abandoning him. I was so worried about him. Who was there to care for him? I thought. I knew he was in a lot of pain. I felt genuinely concerned for him. I love him. I don't want him to hurt! :-(

I texted him that I was sorry if I ever hurt him. I just wanted him to know. It prompted a text conversation about how I didn't cause his hurt feelings. He didn't say that he was responsible for his feelings, but he did say that he hoped I was seeking help and getting better. Of course, he didn't ask how I was doing. Do they ever? I believe he is incapable of truly caring for another being's welfare in any meaningful, adult way. Time and time again, he has proven this to be Truth.

In any case, our conversation ended very soon. He said that he loved me. Of course. Does he? Can he? Does it matter?

Today, I'm ashamed to say that I find myself dreaming of him in a sexual way. Can things ever be good between us again? I wonder. I know I shouldn't entertain these types of thoughts ... .Clearly, I'm a sick person for getting involved with someone like this. What is wrong with me?

I actually want to see him again, really bad. It's like an addiction, in my mind.

Is it possible to be addicted to your borderline partner? :-( If so, wouldn't that make me every bit as selfish and shallow as he? Although, I do honestly feel empathy for him. I feel his feelings. I imagine what it would be like to be him. I Feel his Great, Vast Emptiness. It's like a barren field that stretches along under a flat, gray sky for miles and miles and miles. Frozen, covered in colorless snow. A Tundra. It hurts, it's so cold. :-(

Anyway ... .Thank you to anyone for listening. I apologize for so many annoying posts. This has been one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life, and I appreciate those of you who've been understanding and patient with me.

[MaybeSo]

Hi and yes I have felt exact the same way, and yes, there is clearly an addictive quality to these relationships. It is this addictive quality that informs the recommendation for no contact, the same as if we were detoxing from a drug. You are not alone in this, I think most folks here have experienced this. 

I am assuming you threatened a restraining order because your feared him? Can you share more about that part?

It's never too late to reinstitute nc.

[mistyclouds]

Yes, these relationships are extremely addictive... .they promise you everything at the beginning of the r/s... .they have you high on a pedestal. Everything I was praised and loved for at the beginning... .I was critisised and hated for at the end. And yes, still I was addicted! It is the weirdest experience. I have been NC for almost two months... .and am feeling normal again. Not to say that I don't have the occasional weakness and want to make contact... .but fortunately I have some strength and self respect now which says don't go there... .even though I am owed money.

Keep strong.

[whatarideout]

Is it possible to be addicted to your borderline partner?

yes. but it's not your "partner" you're addicted to. it's the FEELING he gave you that you can't walk away from.

early on in the relationship he triggered a need deep inside yourself that gave you a feeling you've never felt to this extreme. once this feeling exposed itself, it took it's hold on you. the moment you experienced this feeling, you were willing to put up with anything to continue receiving it. game over.

this is why you call yourself "stupid" for falling in love with someone so volatile. this is why you broke nc. this is why you broke nc even after threatening to slap him with a restraining order. you NEED that feeling. you go into emotional withdawal without it.

what you have to realise is, this has nothing to do with him. these are feelings that sit inside you. not him. they're your feelings. you are looking in the wrong direction to find the answer. you must stop trying to fix an internal problem with an external solution. this is a ghost you will chase the rest of your life.

there is nothing "wrong" with you illusion. you are a human being that has been emotionally scarred and looking to stop the pain. look away from your ex. go back to nc.

the real healing begins when we acknowledge the true source of pain and set our sail in the direction to recovery.

[bf0207]

All I can do is echo what the others have said. When I was considering getting back with my uBPDexbf, I was having panic attacks as I felt threatened and manipulated to get back with him. A friend of mine said "GET OFF THE ROLLERCOASTER! You're on the wrong one!" She knows I like a bit of drama, but 'bit' is the key. With a BPD it is HIGH DRAMA at all times. Hence the addiction. The highs and lows like a drug. The higher it was been (at the beginning only, often), the more you crave that hit. Sadly, like heroin (so I'm led to believe) the subsequent hits never match the initial ones.

I am about 3 weeks NC now and I have to see my ex most days at work. Even so, I can look at the relationship with a bit more perspective and some degree of closure and think 'thank god I'm out of that'. I have looked back and thought 'i've been a bit of a lovesick fool', but I haven't disgraced myself or done anything I'm ashamed of. If I got back with him now (even now he's still hoping), I think I would be. Knowing what I now know, there's no future for us.

My advice would be re-initiate NC, be strong and in time you will heal. Read as much as you can from the board and the other members' posts. They're fab and so supportive. Many of us have been there (several times too many if we're honest ;-))

xx

[rollercoasterrider]

Yes,  me too.  I have been recycled so many times I have chasing arrows on my a*s.

I am about ready to let go, hopefully for the last time.

I am now much better educated on BPDand the issues I have.  I have a new self awareness and action plan to "fix" me.  Once I am on the way to recovery, the addiction to her, to love, to sex, to... .(You name it), will be a thing of my past.  Just owning my problems is already a huge step in my recovery.

I have learned that addictions are a result of having childhood issues.  I know what mine are.  I am learning what that means to me as an adult, and what I need to do to start living my life for me.  It is a great place to be.

Get a T and follow advice of others with the NC.  Once you start to have time behind you and some repairs to "you", life will become soo much better.

[Lollipop]

Dear Illusion,

You are definitely not alone or the only one feeling the way you feel.  A couple of weeks ago, I was on this board because I wanted to have him over for sex.  Almost every day, I want to contact him, but when I do speak with him (we have a child together), it is so dissappointing. 

I have thought at times, I am the crazy one because of the fact I know exactly how abusive he was to me and I still miss the hell out of him.  I have come to realize that it isn't him I miss.  It is the illusion of what I wanted in the relationship I missed.  The illusion of love. 

I have to remind myself at night that I am not dreading him walking through the door.  I am not afraid of him being in a foul mood and taking all of his anger out on me.  I am able to watch a fun, mindless show like the X-Factor and not have him criticize me and equate my worth based on a TV show I watch.  Of course, there is so much more I remind myself every night. 

Most of the time, I equate his disorder and behavior like the Eye of Sauron, from Lord of the Rings.  His Eye was always searching for something outside of himself to soothe the emptiness and fear he was feeling.  His Eye usually laser focused on me.  Almost daily, laser focused on me. 

Then one day, about 5 months ago, his Eye focused on my daughter.  My little 3 1/2 year old daughter.  My reaction and the way I stood up to him on her behalf was a huge impetus for me to find the courage to leave.  Yet, I have so many, many times wanted to allow him into the sanctuary I have created for me and my daughter.  My fortress against him, if you will. 

I cannot allow him into my fortress for myself and for her.

You are not alone.  Hugs, and stay strong. 

Lollipop

[LostInMemories]

I don't understand why I'm self-destructing through this relationship. It's like I can't let go of some dream I have of us. The physicality of our relationship is so amazing - I just want to feel that way one more time. Like a drug ... .

I'm ashamed to say that I find myself dreaming of him in a sexual way. Can things ever be good between us again? I wonder. I know I shouldn't entertain these types of thoughts ... .
 
I actually want to see him again, really bad. It's like an addiction, in my mind.

I know this thread is from 2011, just had to reply though...
3 years after my breakup, I can still relate to this so much. It's good to know I'm not the only one that feels this way...
I can safely say I am addicted to my ex, because of her Borderline...