Suicidal UPDATE - 5 weeks later

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Good morning everyone.  Speaking from experience, when people reach out on this forum for the first time, they want to know, "how long will this pain last?"

5 weeks ago I reached out on this forum and shared my story.  For new users, it's worth reading.  You're going to see commonalities with other stories, including your own. I mentioned suicidal ideation and it WAS real. One of my ex girlfriends, whom I've remained friends with, did a low level intervention and literally slapped me.  Friends and family couldn't understand why I lost weight, my confidence, my dignity, over this woman (child). There wasn't a person that met her that didnt think something was off. They didn't understand that this was the mother of all breakups. It made my divorce in 2002 look like a 3rd grade romance.

How long does the pain last?  It's different for everyone I'm sure. And it depend on how you go about healing. I'll start by saying that after 5 weeks the jagged edges of my broken heart are dulling. No longer am I repeating her name out loud. Yelling please come back to me into the air.  I no longer feel like I'm the only human being suffering.  I'm also seeing her for who she was, without the BPD. More importantly I'm seeing me for who I WAS prior to the relationship.  I've never been much into psycho jargon, but so much that has occurred over the past 19 months could be put in s textbook. Mostly my role and WHY I found myself in this position.  All of the boxes were checked and I was primed to be brought to my knees.  

Ego is a factor. I've often been the motivating force in relationships. Ive managed to somehow shield my heart from the pain and trauma associated with breakups. It's important to note that more than a few of my past partners did not take the breakups very well, and it gave me pause to wonder if I was kind enough, or empathetic enough with these wonderful people in the end.

But this time, after being "all in" and prepared to stand by a woman who, at the very least was on several psych meds, and possibly facing a debilitating neurological disease, I was discarded.  The thing is that I was subconsciously planning to leave.  She beat me to it. And... .EGO.  Rarely have I been in a relationship where I couldn't fix a problem. People don't leave ME!  Haha. What a jerk. Really. What a jerk I was. So I stuck around in codependent friend mode and watched her start a new relationship with a guy who she is over the top in love with. So let me start my advice with... .

-  Remaining friends.  :)O NOT DO IT. If there is one thing I can drive into your brains it's this thing. Do not remain friends. I've made a few wonderful friends on this little journey and I've heard the excuses.  I miss his/her son. She has the dog. He has my couch. She has my clothes. I'm still on the lease. I have to get my mail there. We still like cooking together.   LISTEN TO ME;  You will miss their kids I'm sure.  But don't kid yourself. You're mind is fu#%ing with you and keeping you attached. Kids often times become a casualty of these situations but you are not responsible for their well being. You are simply attached. Now detach. As far as dogs, clothes, etc...  write it off.

- No contact works. More on this.  

- Be careful who you talk to. I made the mistake of crying to a long time female friend who I didn't realize was romantically interested in me. A few days ago she felt it necessary to track down my ex on social media and share updates about my ex and her new love, just so "I knew the truth and wouldn't spin into denial". Needless to say I removed this friend from my life. She essentially broke no contact.  Speaking of which... .

-  Closure. This will cause a stir.  People say you can never get it. You can but YOU have to close the door. If you allow enough time to go by and you truly feel like this person hurt you and you have the moral high ground, feel free to reach out one last time through email or a letter.  But make it a bridge burner. Do not expect or look for a response.  Block them. Delete anything that pops into your inbox. Again, burn the bridge. If you're trying to get a reaction you ARE NOT READY.  After this jerk friend filled me in on the social media romance, I letmecanger get the better of me. Coincidentally that night, my ex reached out to me to "see how I was doing."  I said "great, check your email."  I sent her s scathing message including every single thing I was afraid to say when I was on eggshells. All of the red flags I ignored. This girl has sociopathic tendencies so she ukowingly exposed insecurities and chinks in her armor that I never would have exploited, until now. Call it cruel but f#%k that. At the end of the day we're human and I owed it to myself to finally stand up and show her a mirror.  This person ripped you apart while you built them up.  They can be devalued as well. Will it resonate?  Maybe. maybe not. But they'll remember. Anyway the goal is to burn the bridge for good. No going back.

- The common advice is go out and do things. New hobbies. It didn't work for me. Isolation did.  When I was ready I ventured out.

- Don't date until you're ready. I almost dragged a very nice woman into my pit but had the presence of mind to say no.  Which leads to an underrated piece of advice... .

- Practice saying "no" and offer no explanation.  You have been compromising yourself too much. "Hey Tracy!  Wanna go to that stupid pop country show Thursday night?"    "No but thanks".  "Why not?"  "I have zero interest".

- Too much alcohol will exacerbate your pain. Too little will remind you that you are allowing another person to dictate the terms under which you imbibe.  Stick with the latter scenario for now.

- Eat when you're hungry.

-  Your career will be the thing that sustains you. If you can't function at work, consider medical intervention.  I tried Zoloft and it wasn't my thing. Made food taste bad. But it motivated me to become more resourceful in my recovery.  

But stay away from these people. Stop trying to put them in the BPD mold. Even though there is no question, and I mean holy crap, that my ex is a classic Histrionic, it doesn't change he broken heart. The mourning.

I'm not religious at all. I trust science. But I feel like I flirted with some form of evil. When it's all totaled up,  it seems nearly impossible for any positive change to occur without them identifying closely with what's going on. But that's the catch .22. They don't know who they are. They base their identities on how others perceive them. Don't be surprised if, when they move on with another, they appear to be a stranger. With interests you never knew they had. I'm a cruising sailor. Last summer my ex went out and bought foul weather gear, sperry everything.  Sailing books. I was charmed.  When I spoke to her last she was a cigar aficionado. After two weeks. They aren't real.

[Helplessly]

Good morning everyone.  Speaking from experience, when people reach out on this forum for the first time, they want to know, "how long will this pain last?"

5 weeks ago I reached out on this forum and shared my story.  For new users, it's worth reading.  You're going to see commonalities with other stories, including your own. I mentioned suicidal ideation and it WAS real. One of my ex girlfriends, whom I've remained friends with, did a low level intervention and literally slapped me.  Friends and family couldn't understand why I lost weight, my confidence, my dignity, over this woman (child). There wasn't a person that met her that didnt think something was off. They didn't understand that this was the mother of all breakups. It made my divorce in 2002 look like a 3rd grade romance.

How long does the pain last?  It's different for everyone I'm sure. And it depend on how you go about healing. I'll start by saying that after 5 weeks the jagged edges of my broken heart are dulling. No longer am I repeating her name out loud. Yelling please come back to me into the air.  I no longer feel like I'm the only human being suffering.  I'm also seeing her for who she was, without the BPD. More importantly I'm seeing me for who I WAS prior to the relationship.  I've never been much into psycho jargon, but so much that has occurred over the past 19 months could be put in s textbook. Mostly my role and WHY I found myself in this position.  All of the boxes were checked and I was primed to be brought to my knees.  

Ego is a factor. I've often been the motivating force in relationships. Ive managed to somehow shield my heart from the pain and trauma associated with breakups. It's important to note that more than a few of my past partners did not take the breakups very well, and it gave me pause to wonder if I was kind enough, or empathetic enough with these wonderful people in the end.

But this time, after being "all in" and prepared to stand by a woman who, at the very least was on several psych meds, and possibly facing a debilitating neurological disease, I was discarded.  The thing is that I was subconsciously planning to leave.  She beat me to it. And... .EGO.  Rarely have I been in a relationship where I couldn't fix a problem. People don't leave ME!  Haha. What a jerk. Really. What a jerk I was. So I stuck around in codependent friend mode and watched her start a new relationship with a guy who she is over the top in love with. So let me start my advice with... .

-  Remaining friends.  :)O NOT DO IT. If there is one thing I can drive into your brains it's this thing. Do not remain friends. I've made a few wonderful friends on this little journey and I've heard the excuses.  I miss his/her son. She has the dog. He has my couch. She has my clothes. I'm still on the lease. I have to get my mail there. We still like cooking together.   LISTEN TO ME;  You will miss their kids I'm sure.  But don't kid yourself. You're mind is fu#%ing with you and keeping you attached. Kids often times become a casualty of these situations but you are not responsible for their well being. You are simply attached. Now detach. As far as dogs, clothes, etc...  write it off.

- No contact works. More on this.  

- Be careful who you talk to. I made the mistake of crying to a long time female friend who I didn't realize was romantically interested in me. A few days ago she felt it necessary to track down my ex on social media and share updates about my ex and her new love, just so "I knew the truth and wouldn't spin into denial". Needless to say I removed this friend from my life. She essentially broke no contact.  Speaking of which... .

-  Closure. This will cause a stir.  People say you can never get it. You can but YOU have to close the door. If you allow enough time to go by and you truly feel like this person hurt you and you have the moral high ground, feel free to reach out one last time through email or a letter.  But make it a bridge burner. Do not expect or look for a response.  Block them. Delete anything that pops into your inbox. Again, burn the bridge. If you're trying to get a reaction you ARE NOT READY.  After this jerk friend filled me in on the social media romance, I letmecanger get the better of me. Coincidentally that night, my ex reached out to me to "see how I was doing."  I said "great, check your email."  I sent her s scathing message including every single thing I was afraid to say when I was on eggshells. All of the red flags I ignored. This girl has sociopathic tendencies so she ukowingly exposed insecurities and chinks in her armor that I never would have exploited, until now. Call it cruel but f#%k that. At the end of the day we're human and I owed it to myself to finally stand up and show her a mirror.  This person ripped you apart while you built them up.  They can be devalued as well. Will it resonate?  Maybe. maybe not. But they'll remember. Anyway the goal is to burn the bridge for good. No going back.

- The common advice is go out and do things. New hobbies. It didn't work for me. Isolation did.  When I was ready I ventured out.

- Don't date until you're ready. I almost dragged a very nice woman into my pit but had the presence of mind to say no.  Which leads to an underrated piece of advice... .

- Practice saying "no" and offer no explanation.  You have been compromising yourself too much. "Hey Tracy!  Wanna go to that stupid pop country show Thursday night?"    "No but thanks".  "Why not?"  "I have zero interest".

- Too much alcohol will exacerbate your pain. Too little will remind you that you are allowing another person to dictate the terms under which you imbibe.  Stick with the latter scenario for now.

- Eat when you're hungry.

-  Your career will be the thing that sustains you. If you can't function at work, consider medical intervention.  I tried Zoloft and it wasn't my thing. Made food taste bad. But it motivated me to become more resourceful in my recovery.  

But stay away from these people. Stop trying to put them in the BPD mold. Even though there is no question, and I mean holy crap, that my ex is a classic Histrionic, it doesn't change he broken heart. The mourning.

I'm not religious at all. I trust science. But I feel like I flirted with some form of evil. When it's all totaled up,  it seems nearly impossible for any positive change to occur without them identifying closely with what's going on. But that's the catch .22. They don't know who they are. They base their identities on how others perceive them. Don't be surprised if, when they move on with another, they appear to be a stranger. With interests you never knew they had. I'm a cruising sailor. Last summer my ex went out and bought foul weather gear, sperry everything.  Sailing books. I was charmed.  When I spoke to her last she was a cigar aficionado. After two weeks. They aren't real.

[kerbarzorpit]

Thank you for all this, man. You are not alone and reading this reminds me that neither am I.

[Seenowayout]

Friend, that was the best!  Thanks

[Idsrvt2]

Thank you, you are so right in what you posted.  For me he served me with a false protection order so I filed one on him... this were dropped ten days ago as they were just temporary ... now my real journey begins, I felt I thought all that was tough... .atleast it was a controlled NC. He's my letter carrier , there is so much I didn't get to say but so much I wanted to... but heck last time I sent a nice text it got me the protection order after he said we would go in peace.   

I believe he is evil and lied about his past ... and did this to me to prey on me it's the only thing that makes sense.

I lost a lot of weight, gained it back and lost it again,,,I'm too thin .  I didn't get my closure ten days ago like I thought I would... .even four months of counciling hasn't done much.   This is something I've never experienced before .

And tomorrow he walks my streets again. 

[Seenowayout]

Man the bridge burner thing seems so appealing. I know the kinks in her armor too and I want to really text her a final "look what you did to me you psycho  loser" message but somehow it feels like giving up the high ground and playingbher game. Or like hurting  a handicapped person. But damne -- what she did to me -- how can she not see that.

[hope2727]

Helplessly,
 
I am just glad to see you posting again. I have had you on my mind. I hope you are ok. Hugs   

[Helplessly]

Man the bridge burner thing seems so appealing. I know the kinks in her armor too and I want to really text her a final "look what you did to me you psycho  loser" message but somehow it feels like giving up the high ground and playingbher game. Or like hurting  a handicapped person. But damne -- what she did to me -- how can she not see that.

Seenowayout I don't recommend saying anything along the lines of "look what you did to me."  You will only empower her.  They would rather hurt than be hurt, and hurting you is nothing she's going to feel guilty about.

Again this is controversial and there is a large number of people who advocate turning the other cheek.  Moving on.  Don't lower yourself.

That may work for others but not for me.  Every time we broke up then got back together (like 46 times over 18 months) she would refuse to discuss the issue at hand.  So my resentment level was at the high water mark in the end.  My letter was harsh to be sure.  But there were no exaggerations or inaccuracies.  This woman (child) made such an embarassing spectacle of herself that the letter typed itself.  I was also able to look at everything on paper and it helped to stop the idealization.

I'm considering posting the letter... .

[once removed]

hi Helplessly,

it sounds to me like theres been a shift in your posting here since you arrived. i see lots of anger; not a judgment, but a stage of grief. fair assessment?

it might help to explore it a bit here. how did she go from the woman of your dreams, to a child, in your mind? whats going on?

[Helplessly]

hi Helplessly,

it sounds to me like theres been a shift in your posting here since you arrived. i see lots of anger; not a judgment, but a stage of grief. fair assessment?

it might help to explore it a bit here. how did she go from the woman of your dreams, to a child, in your mind? whats going on?

Excellent question.  I stopped researching personality disorders and ceased trying to diagnose her.  I just let our actions stand on their own.  In the end, the balance sheet was way off, and I remembered that there were times I really didn't like her that much... .at all.   There are just things she said or did that to this day, confound me in a sense that I can't understand how a human being could possibly treat another human being in such a cruel way.  And I'm not trying to sound like sensitive little victim, believe me.  Christ...   But the violence and profanity and the gestures and limb flailing was like nothing I've ever seen.  Yes, I tried to pick apart my role in triggering her behavior.  It doesn't add up.  I never dared to mention anything having to do with personality disorders or mental illness.  And I never patronized her or turned tables.  The truth of the matter is that she's much more intelligent than I am.  But an argument about how to load the toilet paper was life and death for her.  It was an example of how I didn't listen to her needs.  Like a good little boy, I learned to NEVER accidentally load the toilet paper the wrong way.  Disgusting.  This is a real story btw.

So I stopped idealizing her.  She was never really the "girl of my dreams."  My heart was just broken.  Even at our best, I was on eggshells.

And yes, your damned right I'm angry.  I could care less about PD's, even though this woman was textbook histrionic.  I can't even pretend she wasn't ill.  EVERYONE noticed it.  Not a few, not some.  She made everyone uncomfortable.

BUT I'M PISSED because she knows right from wrong.  There are some things that are forgivable,  there are other things that are not.  That's just MY philosophy.  She knows the things she did in an outright attempt to hurt me.  So yeah, she can eat sh*t.

[once removed]

ill reiterate, anger is a stage of grief, perfectly valid, and can even be healthy, especially if we take steps to process it.

im a believer that we shouldnt judge our anger or be made to feel wrong about it. the trick for me, i found, was to be more self aware as i processed, and not as fixated on the feelings themselves.

self aware: "she was the woman of my dreams" and "she can _____" are two different extremes.

both may be a part of detaching, but arent detaching in and of themselves. anger (or its flip side) keeps us connected. detachment leads to freedom.

its been five weeks since you were suicidal; really excruciating feelings and thoughts to go through. how are you going about processing at the moment? would you say theres depression? is a therapist in the picture, or future?

[Helplessly]

ill reiterate, anger is a stage of grief, perfectly valid, and can even be healthy, especially if we take steps to process it.

im a believer that we shouldnt judge our anger or be made to feel wrong about it. the trick for me, i found, was to be more self aware as i processed, and not as fixated on the feelings themselves.

self aware: "she was the woman of my dreams" and "she can _____" are two different extremes.

both may be a part of detaching, but arent detaching in and of themselves. anger (or its flip side) keeps us connected. detachment leads to freedom.

its been five weeks since you were suicidal; really excruciating feelings and thoughts to go through. how are you going about processing at the moment? would you say theres depression? is a therapist in the picture, or future?

I started therapy prior to the final breakup.  I knew I was in deep and heavily codependent.  I knew there was something wrong with me emotionally that allowed me to simply ignore any normal boundaries that a healthy person would establish.  So I started therapy a while ago.

Ironically, it was my therapist who got me in touch with my anger, and not by accident.  She listened to my ruminations about what I could have done differently and finally asked me why I was making so many excuses for my ex. 

And I'm aware that anger is part of the grieving process.  I'm also cognizant of the notion that anger can keep us stuck.  And indifference is the goal.  And the opposite of love is not hate... . 

But I'm pissed.  Mostly at me, but also at her.  Again, she was never "the woman of my dreams."  It was all sex and love bombing and emotional rollercoasters.  I just don't like her very much and am slightly disgusted with myself.

[Meili]

But I'm pissed.  Mostly at me, but also at her.  Again, she was never "the woman of my dreams."  It was all sex and love bombing and emotional rollercoasters.  I just don't like her very much and am slightly disgusted with myself.

I understand the anger. I was deep in it at one point. But, I had to stop and ask myself what I was actually angry about?

It turned out that I was mad at myself for allowing my x to hurt me and that I didn't maintain my boundaries with her. From there, I had to figure out why I allowed it.

You said that you allowed yourself to be treated as you were because of sex and idealization. Have you asked yourself why those things were more important to you than taking care of yourself? What was behind that?

[Helplessly]

I understand the anger. I was deep in it at one point. But, I had to stop and ask myself what I was actually angry about?

It turned out that I was mad at myself for allowing my x to hurt me and that I didn't maintain my boundaries with her. From there, I had to figure out why I allowed it.

You said that you allowed yourself to be treated as you were because of sex and idealization. Have you asked yourself why those things were more important to you than taking care of yourself? What was behind that?

Of course I have. Well I shouldn't say "of course"   It's a valid question.  You can fill in the blanks but long story short, my training ground for relationships was a minefield. My parents were toxic. Ethnic household... grandmother (maternal) lived with us. Turmoil every day.  Drama and anxiety.  Normalcy didn't exist and I still don't know what normal is. But I'm working on it.

I made sure I was at least starting to identify with these things before I burned the bridge.

[Meili]

It's good to hear that you've started to identify those things. That's actually huge! Many of us don't get it until much latter.

OK, so, since you know why you made the choices that you made, do you think that you were doing the best that you could with the tools that you had available at the time?