What must I trade off to stay in the marriage?

[Moselle]

To stay, I would problably have to give up my career, or at least adjust it, as its is highly stressful and goes a long way to antagonising her, as I travel alot (I'm realising she feels abandoned during these times). I would have to give up the dream of having a normal and open conversation about life. (We have not communicated normally ever). I sat on a plane once and chatted to a lady non stop, for 14 hours. We had so much in common - Interests, opinions, viewpoints, humour. Of course I realise now how stupid of me it was to tell my wife how much I enjoyed it - she hit the roof and has never forgotten it. Next time a I am seated next to an interesting woman, I'll just ask the stewardess if I there are any dull -uninteresting people that would like to change seats ;-) I am gregarious and fun loving by nature and I look back and that part of me died 10 years ago, but is being resurrected during my separation. I am actually thankful for this lesson as I have discovered I am co-dependent, and I am determined not to allow anyone change who I am.  This separation is allowing me to be me. My wife is like a child - no viewpoints, opinions or interesting stories. She has described herself as an 8 year old, and volunteered to me that 8 is her mental and emotional age. She is highly functioning however and no-one else would even guess. So if she can treat everyone else with such kindness, why not me? Intimacy is a huge need of mine, and I have lived in hope that one day she might in some small way reciprocate it. I am still angry about these losses, and I though I have empathy for her and feel a level of compassion, I think love requires common interests, the ability to have meaningful mutual conversation/communication, mutual intimacy. Staying means opting out of a love relationship in the hope that maybe, one day she may decide to change herself. Her mother has it and is still the same. Her family acted perfectly for me when I dated her. It was a trap sprung and shut closed after 6 months of marriage, when DrJekyll became Mr Hyde. I have woken up after 14 years of devaluing, physical abuse, mental abuse. And three beautiful children, innocent victims of it. So it is with deep pain that I consider my odds 50/50 of going or staying.

End of monday morning rant after being treated with blame, control and character assassination on the phone last night by my separated uBPDw

The silver lining is my self discovery of co-dependence. I can come to terms with that and improve not only my self respect, but my relationship with my children, and others.

My goal this week is to focus on me and my problems and not her or hers.

An0ught said it perfectly to me "We can't force them to take responsibility. It is a choice. We only can take responsibility for what we have done and be a role model. We can only stop taking responsibility and rescuing our SO from their stuff and provide them with opportunities. It is a big day when they take it"

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Surnia]

Hi Moselle

Great insightful post! And well written too, your words about finding a seat in a plane near a very uninteresting person made me chuckle. 

I can relate with you about many things you told us - the communication issues, common interests, kindness for others... . blaming for you.

A big yes for your goals for this week! Being codependent means very often being focused on someone else's problems, so a shift there can be very important. 

Keep us posted, Moselle

[Moselle]

Thanks Surnia!

I should tell you about the time about 3 months ago, when a suspected terrorist was whacked, handcuffed and removed from the plane by special forces teams 5 seats in front of me whilst the plane was on the Tarmac, but it's not not nearly as funny.

Yes, I've started to see the humorous side of life again. My instinct is to look for the silver lining or the funny side of something. When I find the funny side of BPD I'll let you know.

OK, excited by my week. Been tempted to connect with wife about 5 times already. To send her a text or something. But resisted. I do need to speak about the children, but will give it two days

[Surnia]

Wow, Moselle, you might have difficulties to find someone really boring during your flights... .  

Humor is a great source and this is something very good for children too. Live is offering a lot of occasions for humor. Having a good heartfelt laugh together is so precious. 

5 times  so far for resisting the temptation to make calls.

Btw. How old are your children?

[Moselle]

Yes. The weekend was particularly difficult. I miss my children, and I honestly miss my wife terribly. but I am flying home on Friday to take the girls camping.

Three girls. 13,9 and 4 years old.

I've been quite happy to escape my wife's clutches in the past when she's been clingy or controlling. I had no idea how difficult it would be now that she is raging. Every instinct I have is to jump in and try to make it better.

But I also realise that I will only do damage. I have become her trigger, and I can see her testing out the new boundaries I have put in, to see if they will shift. I will be consistent with her and offer SET only.

Surnia, thanks for taking an interest. It means a lot

Moselle