Hi MissTajo,
Having a relationship is hard. Having a relationship with a BPD is even harder. Some days, even hell. I have seen in myself a lot of changes in the last year and a half. I'm a much more calm person. I have more patience. I listen more. I'm less impulsive. I think before I talk. I can even say that I've grown.
And he is growing with me. Some symptoms are still there and we still have a LOT to work on. (the lies for minor things, the mind getting blurred for mundane situations, the harsh words... . ) But we are getting there. But there is one thing that has helped me , and him, to deal with all the turmoil: When I am strong, he is strong too. When I am assertive in what I want , he respects and appreciates that. When I think of ME, he thinks of me too.
yeah, our leadership matters. We may have initially taken their strong statements for a sense of direction but after a while we all learn that following their lead is not always the wisest thing to do. We need to set out our own course. For some this may come natural - just remembering how they acted before walking on eggshells - for others it may be a longer learning exercise. Being clear what we want and do not want as individuals for ourselves is a big part of it.