14. Stop Walking on Eggshells - Paul T. Mason MS

[Ring of fire]

Just wondering if any parts of the workbook you enjoy.I  have just hit a real good part about taking a mental or physical vacation from our Bp... .Just reading this part calms me down... In my own situation I deal with more than one person with BPD so I need all the help i Can get.When we take vacations away whether permanant or if it is a family member it may not be permanant.On the most part most of us have been brainwashed in staying away fro other people which was my case... for me personally it feels so good to be around people who who dont blame and criticize me for EVERYTHING.If one takes one of these vacations ypu wil see that in 2-3 days ... that is all it takes and we see just how abnormal our lives have become and how it feels to have fun again.A wonderful line from the Workbook is this one... .REMEMBER>>IT IS HEALTHY FOR 2 ADULTS TO BE ABLE TO SPEND SOME TIME WITHOUT EACH OTHERS PRESENCE.Ok... share with me your fav part or a section that is hitting home.

[Bumpy Road]

Stop Walking on Eggshells, Taiwanese

Stop Walking on Eggshells, Chinese

Stop Walking on Eggshells, Dutch

Stop Walking on Eggshells, German

Stop Walking on Eggshells, Japanese

Stop Walking on Eggshells, Korean

Stop Walking on Eggshells, Croatian

Stop Walking on Eggshells, Swedish

Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook, Dutch

It's too bad that we cant give them a Foroum like bpdfamily.com

The book helped to save my life with the same dBPD twice (yeah, I went back for Round 2).

Randi, you gotta write one now that rewrites the rules of BPD Recovery so that they "can easily fix themselves" and quit destroying others' lives. I mean, heck, you made a very simple outline for us... .C'mon, you got it in ya dontcha? 

thanks for your dedication

bumpy

[JerryKew]

I'm just amazed that it hasn't been translated into French   yet!

Now that we have a borderline President, maybe French people will start giving this disorder some serious thought! 

Anyway, Randi, if you want a French translator, you've got one right here! 

[ben22]

I heard about the two books with STop walking on egg shells, one being the basic and the other being a workbook... which one should i pick up first?

[Peace4us]

ben22

I woud read SWOE first and then apply what you have read to understanding the workbook.

As you read issues use this board to vent, ask questions or seak clarity about how it relates to you.

The book is full of new language and it is pretty self explanatory and easy to read, but having this resouce to assist you will be golden.

Good luck and good reading and keep us posted.

Peace4us

[sheriw1965]

I read this book today, after seeing it recommended so many times on this site.

I thought it was well-written, with a lot of good information.  My copy came from the library, and I'll probably buy my own to have it as a reference.  However, I really would have liked more information and anecdotes from parents of BPD children.  This book seems more focused on married and/or partner relationships, so quite a bit of the book didn't pertain to my situation.

[guardian]

Is there an electronic version of the book? I mean, I can't buy the physical book because I have nowhere to put it (I live and work with my uBPDw). I could read it slowly in my computer whenever I had some scarce alone times in our work. but anyway I would really like to read it... .

[Randi Kreger]

Is there an electronic version of the book? I mean, I can't buy the physical book because I have nowhere to put it (I live and work with my uBPDw). I could read it slowly in my computer whenever I had some scarce alone times in our work. but anyway I would really like to read it... .

Yes, we will be offering an e-version around the first of next year.

[Randi Kreger]

I read this book today, after seeing it recommended so many times on this site.I thought it was well-written, with a lot of good information.  My copy came from the library, and I'll probably buy my own to have it as a reference.  However, I really would have liked more information and anecdotes from parents of BPD children.  This book seems more focused on married and/or partner relationships, so quite a bit of the book didn't pertain to my situation.

I have a booklet called Hope For Parents on my website. You'll see it listed on the left. There is also a great book by Blaise Aguirre about BPD in adolescents.

[Randi Kreger]

I'm just amazed that it hasn't been translated into French   yet!Now that we have a borderline President, maybe French people will start giving this disorder some serious thought!  :)Anyway, Randi, if you want a French translator, you've got one right here! 

Someone JUST contacted my publisher about that, and that person has contacts. So New Harbinger is looking more into that. Since I speak French I've been bugging them about it for years. Why it's in Croatian and not French I don't know... .

[Randi Kreger]

Stop Walking on Eggshells, TaiwaneseStop Walking on Eggshells, ChineseStop Walking on Eggshells, DutchStop Walking on Eggshells, GermanStop Walking on Eggshells, JapaneseStop Walking on Eggshells, KoreanStop Walking on Eggshells, CroatianStop Walking on Eggshells, SwedishStop Walking on Eggshells Workbook, Dutch

It's too bad that we cant give them a Foroum like bpdfamily.com The book helped to save my life with the same dBPD twice (yeah, I went back for Round 2).Randi, you gotta write one now that rewrites the rules of BPD Recovery so that they "can easily fix themselves" and quit destroying others' lives. I mean, heck, you made a very simple outline for us... .C'mon, you got it in ya dontcha?  thanks for your dedicationbumpy

Thanks. I did some seminars in Japan and they started a support group on the net. There are actually loads of books for people with BPD--my favorite it is The B... .P... .D... .Survival Guide.

[JerryKew]

I'm just amazed that it hasn't been translated into French   yet!

Now that we have a borderline President, maybe French people will start giving this disorder some serious thought! 

Anyway, Randi, if you want a French translator, you've got one right here! 

Someone JUST contacted my publisher about that, and that person has contacts. So New Harbinger is looking more into that. Since I speak French I've been bugging them about it for years. Why it's in Croatian and not French I don't know... .

Anything new about the French translation of your book, Randi?

[Arno]

I read the book and found it interesting but I don't agree with the title. At the end of the day this is more about learning how to walk on eggshells than really stopping.

The statement from Marie (non-BP) at the end of the book sums it up for me:

But I will get to the point: there is no point. He just doesn't get it. It was my job to seek the proper ways to communicate with him. My job to set boundaries. My job to understand the illness. What was this part?

What kind of relationship can you have when one person must do all of the work? What kind of relationship is it when one person must have all of the understanding, have all of the forgiveness, and do all of the giving to the needy other?

The information given and the techniques explained in the book do not change any of this. They just are tools to help you do all that better.

[KHat]

I ordered this book online last week and received it early this week.  I have to admit that I really only skimmed through it before giving it to my boyfriend, who is going through a contentious divorce from his uBP STBX.  However, what I read was incredibly good.

The best part of the book I found was the chapter in which the author basically "translated" the borderline's thought process for those of us who think and behave rationally.  The projection was something I really didn't understand until reading this book.  I'm not used to arguing with someone who goes off-topic, and that seems to be what pwBP are all about.  Even when my boyfriend and I have the occasional disagreement, his reactions to me show a lot of the kind of argument he has been spending decades having, and I understand better how I have to "retrain" him for our conversations:  I am not going to consider him evil because we disagree on one thing; if I say I spend "a lot" of time thinking about something unhappy, it means about ten minutes a day several times a week until I push past it, not ten hours of every day.  My efforts to communicate my feelings with him are to be honest with him about how I feel and what I am doing about it - NOT to saddle him with the blame for it.  So although I don't (yet) have any direct contact with the pwBP, it still helps me to understand the dynamics that affect my boyfriend by the ways he has dealt with her and walked on eggshells over the years.

I think that he will get far more out of it than I will, but I will definitely go back to the pieces about setting boundaries on contact and shutting the doors she opens to arguments that are bigger than the current issue (e.g., bedtime for the kids versus being a lying, cheating hit_) when she and I have more direct contact as his and my relationship becomes more serious.  In the meantime, it has answered my "why does she ... .?" questions better than anything else has to date, and since that's the way my mind works, it was what I needed to read besides the basic generalized facts of what pwBP do.

Interstingly - in his last session with his own therapist, he raised the concept that she may have BPD, and the therapist recommended he read THIS book.  I had already given it to him by that point.   

[johanj]

I have read this book and have gone back to it many times.  Highly recommend it.  It helped me to really understand BPD and

also to never lose hope.  Look after yourself. Johanj xx

[A Lost Mum]

This book sounds like it could really help in my situation. I live in Australia and would like to know how I can get the book  as I need to read this one. It may even help my BPD Daughter's siblings and her children understand and cope  more positively. After all knowledge really is power.     

[Ffionsmammy]

I'm only on chapter 4 of this book and it's been so helpful! My BPDh was so difficult to live with before, but this book has already helped me to see what I was doing wrong! The simple language makes it so easy to read!

[middlechild]

Excellent book, I downloaded this book to my phone Kindle and couldn't put it down... .had to sit by the charger while reading most of it LOL because I was so engrossed.  This was the first book I actually didn't jump ahead in reading... .I followed the authors instructions not to and they were right, it was necessary and worth it.

It was recommended by my sister who suffers with Schizo-affective disorder and has known for many years that our mother is an undiagnosed BPD, through her own travels in therapy.  She just waited for one of us to be ready and asking "what is mom's problem?"   We all knew there was something, but when it's your normal it takes a long time to realize that it's more than just typical conflict.  

For me, it took my kids becoming adults for me to realize that normal mothers aren't so emotionally needy and critical.  Normal mothers aren't looking at their kids as their emotional caretakers.  Normal mothers WANT and are not threatened by their children gaining adult independence.  Normal adults aren't walking on eggshells.    

The first few pages were my 'light bulb' moment.  I am now on the road to finding out how to make and maintain boundaries with mom, hopefully we can maintain a relationship without as much conflict.  

Thank you for this book.  It has opened a new world to me.

[Magic Mountain]

Wow - Have you seen the 22 out of 207 some reviews on Amazon only giving this book 1 and 2 star ratings?  

That would be a TERRIBLE score as an eBay seller 22 negatives out of 207 ... .

[Fubar]

Am I the only one?

I'm not going to stop reading, because it's incredibly helpful.

But at the same time, reading about how to improve communication, be aware of triggers, etc., triggers thoughts of "why do I want to have my life revolve around trying to manage someone's mental illness?  I've done that for 30 years and it's left me emotionally devastated.  Why would I look for techniques to do it more effectively?"

So what do these thoughts reveal about me?

1.  I'm assuming that the book is being written for people in chosen relationships rather than unchosen.

2.  It's my codependence that has led me to build my life around trying to manage her mental illness.

3.  I still need to really learn that you don't manage a person or the person's illness--you manage yourself and your reactions and responses.

4.  I'm emotionally devastated.  I might not have the resources right now to not take things personally--separate the illness from the person.

5.  The techniques to manage my reactions and responses are not unique to dealing with pwBPD.  They are useful in healthy relationships as well.

6.  Part of why I'm here is my own unhealthy patterns and traits--codependence, insecurity, poor self-respect, poor conflict management skills.  Failure to address those things will lead me to repeat the choices that brought me here.

I'm reading in small chunks to manage my level of pissed-off-edness.

[jc700]

My therapist gave me the book at our first session. I read the whole book the first day, and for me, it was a real eye opener. Not because I finally realized how to cope with my uBPDw, but rather, that I finally realized that things would never be acceptable to me, and for the first time in my married life, I had real clarity, I knew at that moment that I needed to save myself, and move on with my life.

I think that if you have a parent or child with BPD, it makes sense to learn to cope with them because it's hard to shut them out. When it comes to a SO, you have the choice to move on.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not apposed to hard work, but I've always believed that hard work should have some reward, but there is no reward for coping with a SO with BPD. All you do is give up more and more of yourself, to ultimately find out that they don't even appreciate any of the hard work and sacrifice, and no matter how much you do, it's never enough.

Don't get mad at the book, understand that it is an operation manual that will help you troubleshoot a piece of equipment that is defective and will never be repaired.

[Ring of fire]

FUBAR:... Since the author Randi Krieger comes on here regularly... I am hoping she responds to you... I also wanted to add I have read the book around 20 times... In my own personal life I have dealt with both chosen and unchosen BPD relationships... I understand where you are coming from... we as a "non" make so much effort and money to heal oursleves while many times the disordered one walks around like everything is fine and makes no effort to get better... JC is right it is about saving ourselves... NOT THEM... I am hoping the book starts to grow on you... Randi did such a good job... I get something new out of it every time I read it

[Fubar]

I'm obviously getting something out of it too, I think, based on what I realized I was revealing about myself in my anger.

And the anger isn't deterring me, but is waking me up as I understand what I'm dealing with in terms of my spouse.

I think maybe I'm getting the information too late.  Had my counselors steered me in this direction before I reached my point of emotional numbness, where anger and hurt and resentment are all I feel with her, it might have been a different story.

But I'm not willing to write it off yet.

My heart was full of love and longing for her for so long.  Something changed that.  And a part of me believes that something could change it back.  But I'm not willing to be open to that change until I believe it can happen without destroying me.

[Crystal Ball]

I read the SWOE AFTER I broke up with my uBPDxbf.  At first it made me wonder if I had done things differently if we could have made the relationship work.  It's been 3 1/2 months NC and I've read everything about BPD I could get my hands on and have been reading & posting on these Boards. I truly believe if I knew everything I know now and did things differently according to the books, my chances of saving our relationship was about zero.  Either I still wouldn't have acted 'good enough' in his eyes or if I could hold true to boundaries he would have raged and that would be the end anyway.  I think it would have only dragged it out longer and probably would have done even more damage to my self-esteem.

The 'benefit' of this relationship was opening my eyes to what issues I need to work on to improve myself... .and that is a huge step in the right direction.

[innerspirit]

I didn't discover the book until about 6 mos. before the split.

Had I read it years ago, I think X would still have been a manipulative, crazy-making, control-freak towards me.  I don't think it would have changed the "fight" in him -- he fed off the sense of competition.  It was nearly impossible to set boundaries with him.

But my responses might have been a lot different.  Maybe to the extent that I would have left a whole lot sooner, rather than crusading to get him help, amid his continual protests.  If I were healthy enough back then to take in the content, maybe I would have been able to sidestep the tug that baited me into the crazy debates, over and over.  He kept on complaiining that work with a new marriage counselor would be the same as the one before.  Well sure it would be -- he was getting better and better at the game.

I was really ticked off when I first joined up here because I was accused of pointing the finger.  But in order for me to take a look at my own responses, I needed to tell the story, to know that someone believed me.

[Summer1]

I read the book and felt it was overall a very good book with lots of helpful suggestions. Although, I did begin reading this book during a very crucial point in my relationship. I was finally learning after 13 years of marriage about my co-dependent ways and how I spent all my time trying to keep him calm and not holding him responsible for his poor behaviors. I was finally learning hoiw to take care of him less and me more. I felt the book was teaching me the opposite... . how I should respond so he remains calm. To me that meant trying to control his behavior... .once again! This is exactly what got me in this situation to begin with. I was very good at this and was trying to learn the opposite. I got tired of worrying about saying the right thing so pwBPD would not get angry.  

For me ... .I needed to put down the book untill I was in a better state of mind. Like I said... .I felt the book made a lot of good points but I do feel that it depends on the reader and if they are able to receive the authors message in a healthy way.  

Summer  

[PotentiallyKevin]

The book helped me out a ton. The relationship wasn't nearly as "crazy" and chaotic after I started using tools like validation... .

However, these same tools seemed to speed up the inevitable, which was her leaving me, because the weapons to control me and isolate me didn't work anymore. I am still very much under the impression that pwBPD are drama addicts. When you quit giving them drama (which is a lot of what SWOE teaches you to master) they go and find it elsewhere.

The months leading up to the breakup were by far the most calm months of our entire relationship. I actually felt like we were getting somewhere and then, wham, she found a new toy that she could have an "exciting" relationship with.

I am very thankful to Randi Kregor and SWOE, because it was a huge catalyst in taking my life back. Before reading that book, I was reading books like Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified, that really didn't bring any sort of tools or healing to the table. SWOE really helped me get over my poor behaviors (made me realize that my enabling, defending, fighting back, etc behaviors were feeding the drama) and gave me an alternative way of handling her, especially during rage mode.

[Randi Kreger]

But at the same time, reading about how to improve communication, be aware of triggers, etc., triggers thoughts of "why do I want to have my life revolve around trying to manage someone's mental illness?  I've done that for 30 years and it's left me emotionally devastated.  Why would I look for techniques to do it more effectively?"Your feelings are understandable. You really don't have to if you don't want to. You have a choice between staying and leaving. However, you don't want to act impulsively, you want to know what you bring to the party, you still need to learn skills, and either choice is the beginning of a process, really, because once you find out about BPD and NPD there's a lot of learning to do.1.  I'm assuming that the book is being written for people in chosen relationships rather than unchosen.I tried to make it for both. 2.  It's my codependence that has led me to build my life around trying to manage her mental illness.3.  I still need to really learn that you don't manage a person or the person's illness--you manage yourself and your reactions and responses.4.  I'm emotionally devastated.  I might not have the resources right now to not take things personally--separate the illness from the person.5.  The techniques to manage my reactions and responses are not unique to dealing with pwBPD.  They are useful in healthy relationships as well.6.  Part of why I'm here is my own unhealthy patterns and traits--codependence, insecurity, poor self-respect, poor conflict management skills.  Failure to address those things will lead me to repeat the choices that brought me here.I'm reading in small chunks to manage my level of pissed-off-edness.[/quote]

[Randi Kreger]

I once read that anger is a sign that something needs to change.

[Fubar]

Thanks Randi.  That first assumption was intended to acknowledge that my anger was based on a fallacy.  I know the book isn't targeted at  those in chosen relationships.  But that's the one I have, so that's what I was reading into it.

I was trying to say that my anger was telling me that about myself--not that i actually was making that assumption. 

If that makes sense.

I think #4, my own emotional state, is key to my anger.  I can't separate the act from the person right now.  And any hint that I should take any action whatsoever to ease tension and reduce conflict FEELS like an urging to walk on eggshells a little more when I really want to do stomp on the damn eggshells, crush them into powder, and then just scream in her face to go F*** herself when she does her thing.

I don't FEEL like being understanding . . .

I don't FEEL like making the best of a relationship that's left me feeling this way . . .

**panting slightly and looking for the rimal scream: emoticon**

I have seen my BPD partner and myself reflected so many times in SWOE.  It has been eye-opening and extremely validating.  I also expect to read it again when I'm in a different frame of mind.

But for right now, where I am, I feel like a part of me needs to stay angry and miserable just to keep my codependent self from slipping forever into a FOGgy hell.