my ex BPD tries to hide her new relationship-why?

[All ears]

I am still fairly new to the board and I want to start off by saying how wonderful and supportive all of the posts and great people are who have messaged me already! After reading many many posts it seems as though others BPD ex's try to "rub it in our faces" mine on the other hand has denied any new relationship and tries to pretend like it's nothing with this guy. We were in a homosexual relationship for 6 years and out of nowhere it seems as though she has decided to move on and be with a guy. She tells me it's nothing and it's "going nowhere" only because I saw the text messages they write each other and I became so angry and hurt. She told me "I'm just playing along with him" I wonder why does she deny any new relationship with this guy even though I have seen her txt saying she loves him. I went nc since Monday and I am having a very hard time with it. I am not tempted to text her but I am just kind of going through withdrawal with not talking to her even though I know she has this new "love." I am just really hurting today and looking for some answers, advice or support. Any feedback is greatly appreciated!

[patientandclear]

While she is exploring this new option, she is probably not eager to lose you.  pwBPD tend to collect attachments and maintain them if they can.  Often there is a blurring of categories and definitions and lines in order to maintain a live attachment and transform it into something else if need be.

If you haven't shamed her or attacked her for what she'd doing she may be wanting to maintain a close connection with you while at the same time exploring the new r/s.  She knows you won't go for that perhaps, so she'd prefer that you not think the new thing is serious.

My ex was seeing someone else seriously but wanted to maintain a strong connection to me.  When I began asking about the situation in order to sort out what we could do that didn't cross my own boundaries and sense of integrity, he acted like he had no idea what I was talking about.  I don't think he intended or wanted the consequence for our r/s that occurred because he was exploring this other thing.  If he could avoid it by compartmentalizing information, he would.

Dual relationships can also be useful in alleviating pressure in one primary relationship that would arise if the person put all their eggs in one basket, as it were.  That is one reason why there are often multiple hidden people coming and going in the intimate lives of pwBPD.  In a strange way one r/s or potential r/s can almost enhance their ability to engage in another r/ship.

It's a difficult landscape to navigate but the emotional meaning of these connections is rarely what one would assume.  It's more complicated, harder to unravel, and usually not what it seems to the other individuals involved.

[All ears]

I did say something to her about it and said that I didn't appreciate being lied to and having my heart broken! She of course turned it around back on me and said she intentionally left the text messages in her phone to see if she could "trust" me not to look in her phone. Meanwhile she was going through my phone as well. I just feel used, abused, manipulated, and crushed. So in a way I think I may have shamed her. It was more like she was attacking me if anything.

[Mutt]

Dual relationships can also be useful in alleviating pressure in one primary relationship that would arise if the person put all their eggs in one basket, as it were.  That is one reason why there are often multiple hidden people coming and going in the intimate lives of pwBPD.  In a strange way one r/s or potential r/s can almost enhance their ability to engage in another r/ship.

Having a relationship with 2 people would create a triangle. Triangulation can shift focus off of the primary relationship, if they aren't coping, feeling engulfed. My uBPD was going through a disassociative phase yet trying to maintain two r/s's. After she left, she still acted as if nothing was happening or serious with the replacement, but was still trying to keep me at arms length to potentially fall back on.