Wracked with Guilt

[LilBirdie]

Hi,

I ended a two year relationship with my uBPD fiance two months ago. We weren't just typical fiances. We had already both completely committed to remaining together for the rest of our lives. He had always asked me to promise him I would never leave him, no matter how bad it got. I would always promise him. We even called each other husband and wife, even though we were not legally married yet. The one thing I told him I would not tolerate whatsoever was infidelity. It is simply unacceptable to me. That was my one deal-breaker. As long as he didn't cheat, I promised to always stay with him. Well, now the promises I made are completely haunting me and overwhelming me with guilt. I just keep thinking, "You told him you would never leave him."

Our relationship as you can guess was a rollercoaster ride. He proposed after only one month. I initially said no because it was too soon, but three months later I said yes. Shortly thereafter, I noticed he would get angry at me seemingly out of nowhere. He called me yelling at me saying I didn't care about him enough because I didn't call him enough. He would become sad and withdrawn any time I initiated ending a phone call or video chat, even if our chat had already lasted for two or three hours. He started blaming me for his financial problems. I started isolating myself from my friends because he would guilt trip me, saying things like "I guess you don't really want to spend time with me." I once spent a full hour on the phone with him convincing him it was okay for me to attend my best friend's birthday dinner, because he thought that meant I didn't want to spend time with him.

He would become scared I was going to leave him if I wasn't immediately available to respond to a call or text. He could not tolerate being alone for very long, saying he felt empty when he was alone. He would use this to guilt me about not being there for him enough. If a major life event would happen such as a loss of a job opportunity, he would be in total despair and even occasionally become suicidal. I felt so powerless to help him. He would say things like, "This is the last time you will ever see me." And "If you ever left me I would take my life." It was terrifying. He said he didn't believe in therapy, but finally agreed toward the end of our relationship, but stopped after two sessions because he didn't like the therapist's methods. He's convinced it doesn't work.

Those were the bad times, but let me be clear there were also wonderful, loving, intimate, supportive, funny, happy times.

Anyway, I recently moved to another state to be with him as he relocated there for work, and only a month after I moved there, I found out he was on dating sites as "single" asking many local women out on dates and asking a woman for sex in the middle of the night while I was out of town. I was in complete and total shock. I moved out that day. I never thought he would do anything like that. He treated me like I was his world. I am struggling to understand. Despite my lack of proof of physical cheating, I absolutely consider this behavior to be infidelity. Here he was convincing me to move out of my favorite city into rural middle of nowhere "so we can start our life together", endlessly talking about our future, and the children we would have, and a month later he's secretly propositioning like twenty women online! Of course he claims he didn't actually intend on meeting anyone, but I don't buy that. I'm not a chump! What a coincidence it was that he was asking them all out the one weekend I was out of town. When I moved out, he said he was going to kill himself, so I had to call 911. The whole day was incredibly traumatizing.

I gave him one more chance to tell me the truth a week after I moved out, asking if there were any other dating profiles besides the one I had discovered. He said no. I checked afterwards and found about seven more! My trust was destroyed.

He has been relentlessly trying to get me back for the past two months, calling, texting, bringing me gifts, sobbing, apologizing, reminding me of my promises, then becoming angry that I won't take him back. Then the cycle starts all over again. Every time I have said no (even though at times I have desperately wanted to say yes.) I feel like my heart can't take any more. I'm exhausted, heartbroken, confused, and drowning in guilt and pain. I miss him every single day. I love him so much, but my trust is gone and I was clear from day one infidelity is unacceptable to me. I just keep hearing the words ringing in my head, that I said I would never leave him. The thought of him being in immense pain is like a knife in my heart. And the thought that my leaving is causing him this pain leaves a constant pit in my stomach. At times I just sob and cry out his name over and over again. I'm in therapy now and it's helping, but it often just hits me all over again like a ton of bricks that we are no longer together and all of the plans we made will never come to be. I could easily have him back, but I feel like if I do so I am signing up for a lifetime of pain, suffering, and deceit. I just needed to vent and wondering if anyone else was going through something similar. Thanks.

[LilBirdie]

I forgot to mention he was also registered for an escort review site, where you can type in your local area and find escort reviews, prices, and phone numbers. That is how I found out about the dating site, because I came upon an email from the escort site, which led to the trail of the dating site. So I am also endlessly obsessing about whether he visited prostitutes while with me, going over every detail of the relationship in my head, times he may have cheated, etc. I feel a complete lack of resolution and closure not knowing. That just adds to the pain and frustration. I know he would not tell me the truth if he had done so, so I feel like there will never be closure on this. AHHHH!

[Mutt]

Hi LilBirdie,

Ilove him so much, but my trust is gone and I was clear from day one infidelity is unacceptable to me. I just keep hearing the words ringing in my head, that I said I would never leave him.

I'm the same way, infidelity is a deal breaker, some people can work through it with a lot of hard work, everyone's different and if it works for them great. I won't work through it because I don't think that I can trust that person the same way.

I just wanted to say that it's never enough with a pwBPD, you went above and beyond with trying to assuage his abandonment fear. I completely understand looking from the outside in, it should be straight forward with just letting them know " Hey, I'm not going anywhere" and I know that you meant it. The nature of the disorder is that it's a self destructive one.

The fear of abandonment is a narcissist injury, your ex would have to be motivated and committed to therapy for BPD, he's not there yet, maybe he'll get there one day, maybe not. You seem like a compassionate person, I understand the struggle, I wanted nothing other than my ex to overcome BPD and get better, at my own expense too. I mentioned that it's ever enough earlier, there's no amount of our love that will cure her disorder, we're not above it, BPD is a serious mental illness, he has to want to help himself or else he'll just continue.

I decided to remove myself from my exuBPDw's network of enablers, I was her fixer and helper, as long as I was in the picture doing the unhealthy things that I was doing, there's reason for her to get help, why would she? I'm one less person in her network and eventuallly she'll back herself in a corner, that's probably the best chance for her to get help, being put of the picture might mean that this happen sooner rather than later. I choose to have compassion for her at a distance though. I don't hate her, there are some days where I get frustrated with her but that passes quickly knowing that it's BPD, she has a responsibility to take care of herself and that means doing what's necessary for her BPD traits, she really needs therapy.

I just let go and let god, BPD is too complicated for me, I can't fix and I can't cure it, I 'll let a higher power look after her, she has her path and I have mine, it wasn't all bad, there where moments that were more calm and I'd call it grey areas, I cannot let my kids see me being treated the way that I was, I'm telegraphing to them that it's Ok to be abused, having survived what I did, I don't want them to suffer the same fate, I chose to show them healthier ways by getting healthy myself.

Don't blame yourself for his disorder, it's not your fault. Don't beat yourself up. Hang in there.

[earlyL]

Hi LilBirdie,

I totally agree with what Mutt has said and want to say I was in a similar position to you and I feel the same, that infidelity is a deal-breaker. I don't know if this helps but i did hang on for six weeks after I found out in a determination to make it work, but all the time I knew it was over,  I admire your strength in sticking to your boundaries. I try not to regret the time I tried over it, but I knew deep down I could never trust and so it was over.

I totally relate to how you are feeling, and sadly this is the start of the process you are going to go through now, it is hard, and that sobbing is horribly painful but also normal and I think necessary. You are adapting to a huge change in your life, especially as you have moved state, that is a big deal. Have you had any thoughts about what you will do now, will you stay in that state or move somewhere else? I was really keen to move when I ended the relationship with my dBPD ex however someone gave me the advice to wait until my emotions had become a bit more stable and I am glad I took that advice.

Keep posting and sharing, lots of people here know and understand the pain you are going through now. Stay strong.

[glassman222]

Thank you for describing what Im feeling at the moment.  I had the female version of your fiancee.  I left for the same exact reasons.  I too told her in the beginning (and she vehemently agreed!) that infidelity was an immediate deal breaker... .I would be gone and the last she would see of me would be the back of my head as i was walking out the door.
I volunteered to pay her $1000/mo. so she could keep the apt we just rented in a very nice neighborhood in san diego.  I make about 4 times what she does, although I have debt. I figure if she needs me to bring the money for her to survive, she will be receptive to my no contact. Also, because she knows the innermost secrets of my life, she has the power to completely destroy everything for me.  Im basically in a position where i have to placate a mentally ill woman

this is the morning of day 3. ive got a busy day with my 9 year old from a different relationship. his mother is very normal, and we get along and always have.

the night of my 50th birthday party ( june 19)is when i discovered the secret texts she was sending to a younger male coworker.  in the weeks prior I had actually caught her in a big lie and another deception
at that moment I realized that she would say anything to protect herself financially, and keeping me was financial security, so she was rationalizing the lies, crying about how little she made, and blaming me for her lies (im not sure youre going to stick around, so I have to lie to you about money)

It has been hell literally since the day we moved in together.

[LilBirdie]

Thank you Mutt, earlyL, and glassman222 for your input and personal experiences! It is nice to hear about experiences of those who also left the relationship because a lot of info I find online refers to people who were discarded/left by the pwBPD, and I think when you are the one leaving it comes with its own set of issues like questioning your decision, guilt, regret, feeling like you abandoned them, etc. (at least for me it does)... .Although infidelity in itself could be considered a form of discard, so it's all relevant.

earlyL, after I ended the relationship I had to move back to my parents' house because a month earlier I had given up my job, apartment, insurance, and city to relocate for the relationship. So now I am back in my hometown starting from square one. Thankfully my therapist is very knowledgeable about BPD, and brought up BPD in our first session without me even mentioning it after I had described the relationship.

glassman222 I can identify with the frustration of the rationalization of the lies and blaming you for the lies. It feels like a no-win situation. It almost feels like some people think it's a gesture of love, to lie in order to keep you. I.e. "I love and need you so much that I had to lie to make sure you would stay." When I confronted my ex with the knowledge that he had lied about being on more dating sites, he responded with, "Oh no, I didn't do it to lie or deceive you. I just lied because I knew you wouldn't take me back if you knew I was on more sites. I just didn't want to lose you." To him, it was a perfectly rational and acceptable excuse for lying. It didn't even occur to him that a relationship built on trust was the primary concern I was trying to address.

Mutt, yes it's finally sinking in that as much as I strived, it would never have been enough. Also I'm finally starting to realize that in some ways I too was enabling him by coming to his rescue repeatedly so that he never had to examine his behaviors. When you're in the moment, soothing their pain, you think you're helping them, but you don't realize it's not helping in the long run. Thanks for the perspective.

[Mutt]

I was thinking about you said about promising our pwBPD that we'll never leave and what that meant. If there's one thing that the experience thought me is that you have to have limitations and boundaries, the context would make sense if both are committed to each other and also committed to themselves with self improvement, but in our cases the scale tips, it's not balanced.

All we can do is try, and I'm sure that many of us gave it everything that we had and then some, it wears you down emotionally and physically, how long can you sustain that realistically? We have to pull back and not look at one angle ( promise ) we have to look at it at all angles.

[HoneyB33]

I can understand how you feel so much guilt--but the truth is that this relationship would of turned into him leaving you at some point, and guilting you worse. Point being--that you didn't let this "commitment" go--it was never go to be there long term. You are just getting out before the house totally burns down. That doesn't make you selfish or wrong. But I can understand how hard it is when you have someone like that.

[lovenature]

Hi LilBirdie

I have been through similar like many of us. My ex. lied to me about a relationship with another man; she explicitly told me he was just a friend and I had to be OK with that (which I was), once we got closer she told me he was still in her life as more than a friend. I was his replacement. She then said that she told him it was over between them.
I was OK with her going out with this guy while she continually questioned my honesty and integrity, believing she was being faithful and trying to show her I trust her and want to be with her, and she doesn't have to be jealous.

My ex. projected her infidelity onto me, it made no sense in reality and I tried so hard to show her that she could trust me. I tried so hard to make it work; the harder I tried and the closer we got the more she pushed me away and the worse it was.

Don't feel guilty for being immersed in a serous mental illness and trying to love someone who couldn't accept and reciprocate that love.

Keep reading and learning, it does get better.