Detachment needed

[peacefulmind]

I have used this forum a great deal recently to pass by and detach the feeling of loneliness and emptiness my recent BU with my ex-BPD has caused. We've been together for a couple of years but known each other for much longer than this. I would have never thought any of this would ever happen, especially not with my ex-BPD who I truly loved and cared for, and have done so for many years now. I never realised how much I have been manipulated and lied to, but going over old chat logs etc. has shown me exactly where the lies are hidden and what I never saw, because of my infatuation and care. I was left alone and in distress at the most important time in my life, a time where I could have used the support and care from my ex-SO, could this have been a trigger for the silent treatment I was exposed to? I was left hanging, and it has caused me a great pain inside, disbelieving that I will ever be able to trust another person on this level of intimacy that I put forward in this relationship. To make matters worse, it has left me in a terrible depression and debt that I don't know how to deal with. Meanwhile, my ex-BPD moves on with life as if I have never existed, completely unaware of the consequences this has has caused me. I would like to think that this relationship has not been a complete lie, but from what I have been reading, this is likely true. That the relationship I was in was based on my own naivity and trust in a person who never truly cared for me, just used me for the supply I could provide.

How do I move on from this? How do I find the strength and will to fight through this? I have always been a very independent person with a great motivation and determination for what I believe in. The aftermath of the BU is, that I can't find these two core values of me anymore, and I am desperately reaching for some sort of closure to make amends with the past. I understand that the healing process may take time, but if I am to succeed with my current challenge, I need to find some way to cope and be able to, at least partially, move on for now, until I have time to self-reflect and bring myself back to senses. Any good advice?

[Irish Pride]

I have used this forum a great deal recently to pass by and detach the feeling of loneliness and emptiness my recent BU with my ex-BPD has caused. We've been together for a couple of years but known each other for much longer than this. I would have never thought any of this would ever happen, especially not with my ex-BPD who I truly loved and cared for, and have done so for many years now. I never realised how much I have been manipulated and lied to, but going over old chat logs etc. has shown me exactly where the lies are hidden and what I never saw, because of my infatuation and care. I was left alone and in distress at the most important time in my life, a time where I could have used the support and care from my ex-SO, could this have been a trigger for the silent treatment I was exposed to? I was left hanging, and it has caused me a great pain inside, disbelieving that I will ever be able to trust another person on this level of intimacy that I put forward in this relationship. To make matters worse, it has left me in a terrible depression and debt that I don't know how to deal with. Meanwhile, my ex-BPD moves on with life as if I have never existed, completely unaware of the consequences this has has caused me. I would like to think that this relationship has not been a complete lie, but from what I have been reading, this is likely true. That the relationship I was in was based on my own naivity and trust in a person who never truly cared for me, just used me for the supply I could provide.

How do I move on from this? How do I find the strength and will to fight through this? I have always been a very independent person with a great motivation and determination for what I believe in. The aftermath of the BU is, that I can't find these two core values of me anymore, and I am desperately reaching for some sort of closure to make amends with the past. I understand that the healing process may take time, but if I am to succeed with my current challenge, I need to find some way to cope and be able to, at least partially, move on for now, until I have time to self-reflect and bring myself back to senses. Any good advice?

I'm in the exact same boat you're in, as well as many others, unfortunately. The best advice I can give you is that you're not alone and acknowledgement is the first step on a very long road. Delete everything. I used to keep all the old texts and emails. All gone, now. It will do nothing but keep you in a painful loop. You will have your good days and your bad days. You were motivated enough to come here and talk. That's got to count for something, right? Don't suppress your feelings... .let them out. Talk to your friends, your family, even yourself. I've started to do that, lately. It helps. Talk on here. This place has helped me in ways I can't begin to describe. Forgive yourself. This is my biggest struggle, right now, but it's getting better. Forgive them. They have an illness. Take this as a learning experience. A very painful, demoralizing one, but a lesson, nonetheless. Perhaps a therapist will help. Inform yourself about the illness and it's toll on both parties. Having answers to my questions has helped me immensely. I suppose closure is different for everyone. You'll have to figure that one out for yourself. For me, closure was

1. Deleting everything. Texts, emails, pictures.

2. No contact. Blocking phone numbers, blocking email addresses, every possible way to contact me.

3. Acceptance that the "relationship" was truly over. No fairy tale ending. Cutting the cord and dealing with the true pain that it is truly over and never to be revisited. Letting myself feel the pain. Crying about it. Talking about it.

4. Educating myself about the disorder and it's effects on the parties involved. Knowledge is power.

5. Rebuilding the house that is myself that was torn down in the storm of this relationship. There's a certain comfort in knowing that I can come out of this stronger, more aware and proud that I didn't let it defeat me.

6. Planning for the future. Set small goals. Accomplish them. Build your confidence back up. Make small plans for your future to look forward to. Remember, the world is a very big place. There are plenty of fish in the sea and you will love again, someday. And, hopefully, you'll be wiser and more appreciative of the true love you get in return.

I hope this helps

[DyingLove]

I have used this forum a great deal recently to pass by and detach the feeling of loneliness and emptiness my recent BU with my ex-BPD has caused. We've been together for a couple of years but known each other for much longer than this. I would have never thought any of this would ever happen, especially not with my ex-BPD who I truly loved and cared for, and have done so for many years now. I never realised how much I have been manipulated and lied to, but going over old chat logs etc. has shown me exactly where the lies are hidden and what I never saw, because of my infatuation and care. I was left alone and in distress at the most important time in my life, a time where I could have used the support and care from my ex-SO, could this have been a trigger for the silent treatment I was exposed to? I was left hanging, and it has caused me a great pain inside, disbelieving that I will ever be able to trust another person on this level of intimacy that I put forward in this relationship. To make matters worse, it has left me in a terrible depression and debt that I don't know how to deal with. Meanwhile, my ex-BPD moves on with life as if I have never existed, completely unaware of the consequences this has has caused me. I would like to think that this relationship has not been a complete lie, but from what I have been reading, this is likely true. That the relationship I was in was based on my own naivity and trust in a person who never truly cared for me, just used me for the supply I could provide.

How do I move on from this? How do I find the strength and will to fight through this? I have always been a very independent person with a great motivation and determination for what I believe in. The aftermath of the BU is, that I can't find these two core values of me anymore, and I am desperately reaching for some sort of closure to make amends with the past. I understand that the healing process may take time, but if I am to succeed with my current challenge, I need to find some way to cope and be able to, at least partially, move on for now, until I have time to self-reflect and bring myself back to senses. Any good advice?

I'm in the exact same boat you're in, as well as many others, unfortunately. The best advice I can give you is that you're not alone and acknowledgement is the first step on a very long road. Delete everything. I used to keep all the old texts and emails. All gone, now. It will do nothing but keep you in a painful loop. You will have your good days and your bad days. You were motivated enough to come here and talk. That's got to count for something, right? Don't suppress your feelings... .let them out. Talk to your friends, your family, even yourself. I've started to do that, lately. It helps. Talk on here. This place has helped me in ways I can't begin to describe. Forgive yourself. This is my biggest struggle, right now, but it's getting better. Forgive them. They have an illness. Take this as a learning experience. A very painful, demoralizing one, but a lesson, nonetheless. Perhaps a therapist will help. Inform yourself about the illness and it's toll on both parties. Having answers to my questions has helped me immensely. I suppose closure is different for everyone. You'll have to figure that one out for yourself. For me, closure was

1. Deleting everything. Texts, emails, pictures.

2. No contact. Blocking phone numbers, blocking email addresses, every possible way to contact me.

3. Acceptance that the "relationship" was truly over. No fairy tale ending. Cutting the cord and dealing with the true pain that it is truly over and never to be revisited. Letting myself feel the pain. Crying about it. Talking about it.

4. Educating myself about the disorder and it's effects on the parties involved. Knowledge is power.

5. Rebuilding the house that is myself that was torn down in the storm of this relationship. There's a certain comfort in knowing that I can come out of this stronger, more aware and proud that I didn't let it defeat me.

6. Planning for the future. Set small goals. Accomplish them. Build your confidence back up. Make small plans for your future to look forward to. Remember, the world is a very big place. There are plenty of fish in the sea and you will love again, someday. And, hopefully, you'll be wiser and more appreciative of the true love you get in return.

I hope this helps

This is good.  Thank you Irishpride.  I'm keeping your list. Thank you.  I just can't get the guts up to delete EVERTHING... .it's so damn final though.

[peacefulmind]

I have used this forum a great deal recently to pass by and detach the feeling of loneliness and emptiness my recent BU with my ex-BPD has caused. We've been together for a couple of years but known each other for much longer than this. I would have never thought any of this would ever happen, especially not with my ex-BPD who I truly loved and cared for, and have done so for many years now. I never realised how much I have been manipulated and lied to, but going over old chat logs etc. has shown me exactly where the lies are hidden and what I never saw, because of my infatuation and care. I was left alone and in distress at the most important time in my life, a time where I could have used the support and care from my ex-SO, could this have been a trigger for the silent treatment I was exposed to? I was left hanging, and it has caused me a great pain inside, disbelieving that I will ever be able to trust another person on this level of intimacy that I put forward in this relationship. To make matters worse, it has left me in a terrible depression and debt that I don't know how to deal with. Meanwhile, my ex-BPD moves on with life as if I have never existed, completely unaware of the consequences this has has caused me. I would like to think that this relationship has not been a complete lie, but from what I have been reading, this is likely true. That the relationship I was in was based on my own naivity and trust in a person who never truly cared for me, just used me for the supply I could provide.

How do I move on from this? How do I find the strength and will to fight through this? I have always been a very independent person with a great motivation and determination for what I believe in. The aftermath of the BU is, that I can't find these two core values of me anymore, and I am desperately reaching for some sort of closure to make amends with the past. I understand that the healing process may take time, but if I am to succeed with my current challenge, I need to find some way to cope and be able to, at least partially, move on for now, until I have time to self-reflect and bring myself back to senses. Any good advice?

I'm in the exact same boat you're in, as well as many others, unfortunately. The best advice I can give you is that you're not alone and acknowledgement is the first step on a very long road. Delete everything. I used to keep all the old texts and emails. All gone, now. It will do nothing but keep you in a painful loop. You will have your good days and your bad days. You were motivated enough to come here and talk. That's got to count for something, right? Don't suppress your feelings... .let them out. Talk to your friends, your family, even yourself. I've started to do that, lately. It helps. Talk on here. This place has helped me in ways I can't begin to describe. Forgive yourself. This is my biggest struggle, right now, but it's getting better. Forgive them. They have an illness. Take this as a learning experience. A very painful, demoralizing one, but a lesson, nonetheless. Perhaps a therapist will help. Inform yourself about the illness and it's toll on both parties. Having answers to my questions has helped me immensely. I suppose closure is different for everyone. You'll have to figure that one out for yourself. For me, closure was

1. Deleting everything. Texts, emails, pictures.

2. No contact. Blocking phone numbers, blocking email addresses, every possible way to contact me.

3. Acceptance that the "relationship" was truly over. No fairy tale ending. Cutting the cord and dealing with the true pain that it is truly over and never to be revisited. Letting myself feel the pain. Crying about it. Talking about it.

4. Educating myself about the disorder and it's effects on the parties involved. Knowledge is power.

5. Rebuilding the house that is myself that was torn down in the storm of this relationship. There's a certain comfort in knowing that I can come out of this stronger, more aware and proud that I didn't let it defeat me.

6. Planning for the future. Set small goals. Accomplish them. Build your confidence back up. Make small plans for your future to look forward to. Remember, the world is a very big place. There are plenty of fish in the sea and you will love again, someday. And, hopefully, you'll be wiser and more appreciative of the true love you get in return.

I hope this helps

Irish Pride,

Thank you for your advice. I have initiated NC and it has lasted for a while now, deleted contacts etc. I have a hard time getting rid of everything. I am not entirely sure what is holding me back, but I have a feeling I will regret it if I do. My devaluation was very gradual and barely noticeable. It is not before after everything was done that I started realising how I was devalued and how my independence and motivation was slowly being picked a part. There has not been a word since the BU, no lashing out towards myself (I know that there probably is on the other part in various other ways though... .). I have spent a large amount of time educating myself, reading about BPD co-morbid NPD and I see both in my ex-SO. The hardest realisation for me, is to know that I was never really valued for who I was or what I was willing to do, but more for what I could provide in the present moment. I now understand some of the things that has happened and why I felt unnerved plenty of times throughout the relationship with un-disclosed questions and so on. The main problem is, that I can't set small goals for myself each day. I have to approach my "challenge" head on and I have to do it now. I have no time for self-reflection or any way of finding proper ways for me to cope with the pain that has been inflicted. I do feel that I get more and more confidence for each day that passes, and that I slowly move towards acceptance of my situation. What has hurt the most, is that there doesn't seem to be the same processing from the other half. Is this normal? That BPD/NPD just move on because they have already lined up their next victim and made sure that all lies and manipulations have been succesfully projected onto me? I know how my own relationship with my ex-SO started and all the shady things that was exchanged between the both of us (while my ex-SO was in a relationship), and I guess I didn't take the serious, and instead indulged the behavior which lead to the terrible reality that I have been left in the dirt to fight for myself.

I have found a temporal closure in educating myself about BPD/NPD, but labeling is only a small part of the healing process in my opinion. Labeling can be done for everything, but it doesn't guide as to how to cope. I have reached several conclusions in my mind as to what to do and how to move on, but actually doing it is far harder than thinking it.

I will continue my healing process and will take time off during the summer to self-validate myself and find my inner strength again. Thank you for your reply.

[Irish Pride]

This is good.  Thank you Irishpride.  I'm keeping your list. Thank you.  I just can't get the guts up to delete EVERTHING... .it's so damn final though.

You're very welcome. It's a constant struggle for me, but I know it's for the best.

If you truly believe your ex has BPD, there's nothing YOU can do about it. If they're not willing to help themselves, it IS final. Trust me, I know how badly it hurts to let someone you know is in need of help go. It basically tore my soul apart. But, I have children (not with her thank God) and have a responsibility to them and myself. I can no longer continue to let her pull me under the water. I cut her loose and I'm swimming back to shore.

I hope you'll be able to do the same.

[Irish Pride]

Irish Pride,

Thank you for your advice. I have initiated NC and it has lasted for a while now, deleted contacts etc. I have a hard time getting rid of everything. I am not entirely sure what is holding me back, but I have a feeling I will regret it if I do. My devaluation was very gradual and barely noticeable. It is not before after everything was done that I started realising how I was devalued and how my independence and motivation was slowly being picked a part. There has not been a word since the BU, no lashing out towards myself (I know that there probably is on the other part in various other ways though... .). I have spent a large amount of time educating myself, reading about BPD co-morbid NPD and I see both in my ex-SO. The hardest realisation for me, is to know that I was never really valued for who I was or what I was willing to do, but more for what I could provide in the present moment. I now understand some of the things that has happened and why I felt unnerved plenty of times throughout the relationship with un-disclosed questions and so on. The main problem is, that I can't set small goals for myself each day. I have to approach my "challenge" head on and I have to do it now. I have no time for self-reflection or any way of finding proper ways for me to cope with the pain that has been inflicted. I do feel that I get more and more confidence for each day that passes, and that I slowly move towards acceptance of my situation. What has hurt the most, is that there doesn't seem to be the same processing from the other half. Is this normal? That BPD/NPD just move on because they have already lined up their next victim and made sure that all lies and manipulations have been succesfully projected onto me? I know how my own relationship with my ex-SO started and all the shady things that was exchanged between the both of us (while my ex-SO was in a relationship), and I guess I didn't take the serious, and instead indulged the behavior which lead to the terrible reality that I have been left in the dirt to fight for myself.

I have found a temporal closure in educating myself about BPD/NPD, but labeling is only a small part of the healing process in my opinion. Labeling can be done for everything, but it doesn't guide as to how to cope. I have reached several conclusions in my mind as to what to do and how to move on, but actually doing it is far harder than thinking it.

I will continue my healing process and will take time off during the summer to self-validate myself and find my inner strength again. Thank you for your reply.

I can completely empathize with your struggle with being devalued. It's one of the hardest things about this whole thing. The feeling of being used, chewed up and tossed to the side as casually as a gum wrapper. Being a prideful person, it certainly took the wind out of my sails and brought me down several pegs. As far as it being "normal" for a BPD to move on so casually, in my experience, yes. In my situation, she lacked almost ANY empathy, never asked how my day was, when I was sick, she just said "take medicine" and that was it... .stuff like that. So, I wasn't surprised when, the same day I made it clear she had no power over me anymore and I confronted her about her having BPD, she made an online dating profile. Something she swore she'd "never" do. They need to be validated, have their needs met and if you don't give it to them, they'll find someone else who will. And the REAL b___ of it is? I think I threw gas on the fire. I was so doting to her, so accommodating, so spoiled her that I think it just increased her appetite. I enabled her to be this way, and that is one of my biggest struggles. But, I didn't start the fire and I have to keep reminding myself of that.

Good luck on your journey! We're here for you!

[dagwoodbowser]

1. Deleting everything. Texts, emails, pictures.

2. No contact. Blocking phone numbers, blocking email addresses, every possible way to contact me.

3. Acceptance that the "relationship" was truly over. No fairy tale ending. Cutting the cord and dealing with the true pain that it is truly over and never to be revisited. Letting myself feel the pain. Crying about it. Talking about it.

4. Educating myself about the disorder and it's effects on the parties involved. Knowledge is power.

5. Rebuilding the house that is myself that was torn down in the storm of this relationship. There's a certain comfort in knowing that I can come out of this stronger, more aware and proud that I didn't let it defeat me.

6. Planning for the future. Set small goals. Accomplish them. Build your confidence back up. Make small plans for your future to look forward to. Remember, the world is a very big place. There are plenty of fish in the sea and you will love again, someday. And, hopefully, you'll be wiser and more appreciative of the true love you get in return.

Everything that Irish has listed is dead on, but you have to do it! However, while elimination of those pathways to triggers and contact are important none of it will really mean much if you havn't made a firm, strong committment to yourself to truly move on. If you're at all wishy-washy your BPDx will pick up on it and take you on an endless loop of B/U's, off and on contact just to keep you around and make ups. It's up to you to extinguish any ember of hope or expectation of recycling or that this person is going to change without years and years of intensive therapy. I did several recycles and was all to eager to get another at bat opportunity and it was always the same. You have to be the adult here and put an end to it. What has helped me most is to dissolve any feelings of being a victim. While you were likely hurt and harmed by this person a decision(s) were made to ignore warnings, red flags and staying around accepting disrespectful behavior. When you no longer feel like a victim, at least for me, it's empowering. It's easier to lay on the ground pummeled and bleeding when you feel that you have been wronged and have someone to blame.

[Mutt]

Hi peacefulmind,

 

I'd like to join dagwoodbowser, Irish Pride, DyingLove and welcome you.  I'm sorry the pwBPD in your life left you hanging when you needed support and care most. That's tough.

You were motivated enough to come here and talk.

You have a lot of good advice so far and I would like to echo Irish Pride. Many of our members here share similar experiences and can offer support, guidance and advice.

It helps to talk.

Hang in there.


----Mutt

[once removed]

i kept all the memorabilia and correspondence. i put it away and have never looked at it and dont have any interest to. i agree with you, i think i would have regretted deleting it. i dont see any reason to. youve gone through a bunch of it, and that can even be helpful (making sense of what youve been through) but you dont need to do it anymore. continuing to do it would likely keep you stuck, so just do with it what you think you need to do and feels right.

"I would like to think that this relationship has not been a complete lie, but from what I have been reading, this is likely true. That the relationship I was in was based on my own naivity and trust in a person who never truly cared for me, just used me for the supply I could provide."

it was not a complete lie and theres no reason to see it that way. pwBPD wanted things to work as badly if not more than us. it simply couldnt be sustained. "using people for supply" is more in line with a narcissist btw. this was likely not some con artist who tried to fool you from the start. "frantics attempts to avoid abandonment" is a very very broad phenomenon, and it can manifest in lots of ways that reasonably look to a person like "using" another person or people. it will go a long way to your healing to have a balanced view of what youve been through (not something that happens over night) and not to kick yourself or consider yourself a sucker 

[peacefulmind]

dagwoodbowser, Irish Pride, and Mutt

Thank you all for your words and kind empathy. This is without a doubt the worst thing I have ever had to go through, and the loneliness and emptiness I feel inside is often overwhelming to the point where I just feel like staying in bed all day and self-pity. I do realise however, that this is not the way forward and I have to pick myself up from the abuse I've been a part of, and that I myself am solely responsible for enabling the behavior in my ex-SO. I do believe that BPDs should still be held accountable for their actions (in most cases these are ADULT people!), but I also understand that their post-traumatic events in early childhood/adolescence have made them incapable of feeling remorse for their actions.

I will proudly say that I definitely am a people pleaser, and I understand how this kind of person is the main target for BPD/NPD. I like putting others before myself, listen to others' problems and help them through. I do feel it's a lonely struggle sometimes though, being there for others and you rarely see the same kindness or respect going the other way around (I, for one, have realised who I can trust will help me through when I need it... .). I won't apologise for who I am, because I know I am a good person with other people's interest in mind in any decision I take. What breaks me is the fact that this is the main reason why I ended up in this mess in the first place. Gullible is the adjective I need to work with and learn to assert my boundaries firmly.

I never realised the point at which I was already painted black. The last things my ex-BPD ever said to me before I never saw him/her again was "I love you". This has torn me apart thinking of, because I know now how little those words meant, and how true those words were to me... .I do not believe there is any going back from this, and I do not hope for a recycle. I do hope that the fact that my ex-BPD knows that borderline personality is one of the traits deeply embedded in my ex-BPDs nature, that something will clarify and make him/her realise that something has to be done. I also know that my inherent good nature makes me want to reach out and offer my help and guidance, but since I am already painted black, there's no reason for me to even attempt it. It hurts me to know, that I could've done more than I did, and instead of indulging and let my ex-BPD walk all over me for the sake of peace, I should've asserted myself more firmly. The paradox here is, that if I had done that, it would probably have driven my ex-BPD away even faster than what is the case here. It seems like a lose-lose situation as soon as you get involved with a BPD, and it saddens me to see how many are suffering from it on this and other support forums.

Thank you all for your advice, and I will try and assert myself more firmly in the future and hopefully be able to find someone who loves me for who I am and what I do for that person, more than what I provide of life energy and physical attraction.

once removed, I have read horror stories on what ex-BPDs are capable of when you cut all contact and leave the impression you will never come back. I understand that narcissistic supply is not the main feature of BPD, but as I wrote earlier, I do believe my ex-BPD is co-morbid narcissist (with the worst of the traits of them all!), given the history of family that is involved in this matter, and how I was sometimes being reeled into my ex-BPDs turbulent ex-relationships whenever there was a need for my comfort. On this matter, is one of the reasons why, when you try and reason with a BPD/NPD about how much you have done for them, and how much you have cared and loved them, that they simply don't care because you have not been the only one doing this for them?  I have been through hell and back with my ex-BPD with the problems in his/her life, and I've stayed as a rock whenever it was needed, but all of that has not mattered in the aftermath, and it seems as if it is just empty words to my ex-BPD.

I do also believe that my ex-BPD wanted things to work out, but it pains me to know that the fear of abandonment, or whatever trigger that caused the black-painting, was never even on the table for me. I would have never left, and I would've gone anywhere in the world for this person. My ex-BPD was my sun, my stars, and my moon, and I had no others that I would rather be with. Thank you for your words.

[Irish Pride]

dagwoodbowser, Irish Pride, and Mutt

Thank you all for your words and kind empathy. This is without a doubt the worst thing I have ever had to go through, and the loneliness and emptiness I feel inside is often overwhelming to the point where I just feel like staying in bed all day and self-pity. I do realise however, that this is not the way forward and I have to pick myself up from the abuse I've been a part of, and that I myself am solely responsible for enabling the behavior in my ex-SO. I do believe that BPDs should still be held accountable for their actions (in most cases these are ADULT people!), but I also understand that their post-traumatic events in early childhood/adolescence have made them incapable of feeling remorse for their actions.

I will proudly say that I definitely am a people pleaser, and I understand how this kind of person is the main target for BPD/NPD. I like putting others before myself, listen to others' problems and help them through. I do feel it's a lonely struggle sometimes though, being there for others and you rarely see the same kindness or respect going the other way around (I, for one, have realised who I can trust will help me through when I need it... .). I won't apologise for who I am, because I know I am a good person with other people's interest in mind in any decision I take. What breaks me is the fact that this is the main reason why I ended up in this mess in the first place. Gullible is the adjective I need to work with and learn to assert my boundaries firmly.

I never realised the point at which I was already painted black. The last things my ex-BPD ever said to me before I never saw him/her again was "I love you". This has torn me apart thinking of, because I know now how little those words meant, and how true those words were to me... .I do not believe there is any going back from this, and I do not hope for a recycle. I do hope that the fact that my ex-BPD knows that borderline personality is one of the traits deeply embedded in my ex-BPDs nature, that something will clarify and make him/her realise that something has to be done. I also know that my inherent good nature makes me want to reach out and offer my help and guidance, but since I am already painted black, there's no reason for me to even attempt it. It hurts me to know, that I could've done more than I did, and instead of indulging and let my ex-BPD walk all over me for the sake of peace, I should've asserted myself more firmly. The paradox here is, that if I had done that, it would probably have driven my ex-BPD away even faster than what is the case here. It seems like a lose-lose situation as soon as you get involved with a BPD, and it saddens me to see how many are suffering from it on this and other support forums.

Thank you all for your advice, and I will try and assert myself more firmly in the future and hopefully be able to find someone who loves me for who I am and what I do for that person, more than what I provide of life energy and physical attraction.

once removed, I have read horror stories on what ex-BPDs are capable of when you cut all contact and leave the impression you will never come back. I understand that narcissistic supply is not the main feature of BPD, but as I wrote earlier, I do believe my ex-BPD is co-morbid narcissist (with the worst of the traits of them all!), given the history of family that is involved in this matter, and how I was sometimes being reeled into my ex-BPDs turbulent ex-relationships whenever there was a need for my comfort. On this matter, is one of the reasons why, when you try and reason with a BPD/NPD about how much you have done for them, and how much you have cared and loved them, that they simply don't care because you have not been the only one doing this for them?  I have been through hell and back with my ex-BPD with the problems in his/her life, and I've stayed as a rock whenever it was needed, but all of that has not mattered in the aftermath, and it seems as if it is just empty words to my ex-BPD.

I do also believe that my ex-BPD wanted things to work out, but it pains me to know that the fear of abandonment, or whatever trigger that caused the black-painting, was never even on the table for me. I would have never left, and I would've gone anywhere in the world for this person. My ex-BPD was my sun, my stars, and my moon, and I had no others that I would rather be with. Thank you for your words.

Well said. We're right there with you. You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned it's a "lose/lose" situation. It really is.

Anytime you need an ear, or anyone else for that matter, let me know. Like Mutt said, talking helps. Knowing you're not alone in your suffering helps. Knowing we're here for you helps. Best of luck!

[peacefulmind]

dagwoodbowser, Irish Pride, and Mutt

Thank you all for your words and kind empathy. This is without a doubt the worst thing I have ever had to go through, and the loneliness and emptiness I feel inside is often overwhelming to the point where I just feel like staying in bed all day and self-pity. I do realise however, that this is not the way forward and I have to pick myself up from the abuse I've been a part of, and that I myself am solely responsible for enabling the behavior in my ex-SO. I do believe that BPDs should still be held accountable for their actions (in most cases these are ADULT people!), but I also understand that their post-traumatic events in early childhood/adolescence have made them incapable of feeling remorse for their actions.

I will proudly say that I definitely am a people pleaser, and I understand how this kind of person is the main target for BPD/NPD. I like putting others before myself, listen to others' problems and help them through. I do feel it's a lonely struggle sometimes though, being there for others and you rarely see the same kindness or respect going the other way around (I, for one, have realised who I can trust will help me through when I need it... .). I won't apologise for who I am, because I know I am a good person with other people's interest in mind in any decision I take. What breaks me is the fact that this is the main reason why I ended up in this mess in the first place. Gullible is the adjective I need to work with and learn to assert my boundaries firmly.

I never realised the point at which I was already painted black. The last things my ex-BPD ever said to me before I never saw him/her again was "I love you". This has torn me apart thinking of, because I know now how little those words meant, and how true those words were to me... .I do not believe there is any going back from this, and I do not hope for a recycle. I do hope that the fact that my ex-BPD knows that borderline personality is one of the traits deeply embedded in my ex-BPDs nature, that something will clarify and make him/her realise that something has to be done. I also know that my inherent good nature makes me want to reach out and offer my help and guidance, but since I am already painted black, there's no reason for me to even attempt it. It hurts me to know, that I could've done more than I did, and instead of indulging and let my ex-BPD walk all over me for the sake of peace, I should've asserted myself more firmly. The paradox here is, that if I had done that, it would probably have driven my ex-BPD away even faster than what is the case here. It seems like a lose-lose situation as soon as you get involved with a BPD, and it saddens me to see how many are suffering from it on this and other support forums.

Thank you all for your advice, and I will try and assert myself more firmly in the future and hopefully be able to find someone who loves me for who I am and what I do for that person, more than what I provide of life energy and physical attraction.

once removed, I have read horror stories on what ex-BPDs are capable of when you cut all contact and leave the impression you will never come back. I understand that narcissistic supply is not the main feature of BPD, but as I wrote earlier, I do believe my ex-BPD is co-morbid narcissist (with the worst of the traits of them all!), given the history of family that is involved in this matter, and how I was sometimes being reeled into my ex-BPDs turbulent ex-relationships whenever there was a need for my comfort. On this matter, is one of the reasons why, when you try and reason with a BPD/NPD about how much you have done for them, and how much you have cared and loved them, that they simply don't care because you have not been the only one doing this for them?  I have been through hell and back with my ex-BPD with the problems in his/her life, and I've stayed as a rock whenever it was needed, but all of that has not mattered in the aftermath, and it seems as if it is just empty words to my ex-BPD.

I do also believe that my ex-BPD wanted things to work out, but it pains me to know that the fear of abandonment, or whatever trigger that caused the black-painting, was never even on the table for me. I would have never left, and I would've gone anywhere in the world for this person. My ex-BPD was my sun, my stars, and my moon, and I had no others that I would rather be with. Thank you for your words.

Well said. We're right there with you. You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned it's a "lose/lose" situation. It really is.

Anytime you need an ear, or anyone else for that matter, let me know. Like Mutt said, talking helps. Knowing you're not alone in your suffering helps. Knowing we're here for you helps. Best of luck!

Thank you for your kind words. I have realised how much it has already helped me to write it down, and to talk to people who understand the matter and understand how devastating being with BPD is. My friends and family have no clue as to what I am going through and the main response is "You'll be fine, just move on and find someone else", but I do not think they understand the devastating background and what BPD does to you as a person. I feel that my core values have been ripped out, stomped on, and buried in lies and manipulations and it will take me quite a while to dig them back up. This is also a reason why I have decided to keep all records of conversations. Once I feel more centered and more in peace, I will be able to go through them again and pinpoint the exact things that were lies and manipulations, and hopefully this will slowly unravel my long lost self-respect and determination. I do not belive this is a healthy way of doing it, but I do hope it's a good way for me to do it, because I have been lied to for several years, and have been used for someone else's gain. I need to assert my boundaries but in order for me to do that, I need to be able to go through the lies that inevitably broke my boundaries in the first place.

[Irish Pride]

Thank you for your kind words. I have realised how much it has already helped me to write it down, and to talk to people who understand the matter and understand how devastating being with BPD is. My friends and family have no clue as to what I am going through and the main response is "You'll be fine, just move on and find someone else", but I do not think they understand the devastating background and what BPD does to you as a person. I feel that my core values have been ripped out, stomped on, and buried in lies and manipulations and it will take me quite a while to dig them back up. This is also a reason why I have decided to keep all records of conversations. Once I feel more centered and more in peace, I will be able to go through them again and pinpoint the exact things that were lies and manipulations, and hopefully this will slowly unravel my long lost self-respect and determination. I do not belive this is a healthy way of doing it, but I do hope it's a good way for me to do it, because I have been lied to for several years, and have been used for someone else's gain. I need to assert my boundaries but in order for me to do that, I need to be able to go through the lies that inevitably broke my boundaries in the first place.

No, they (friends and family) don't and I'm glad they don't. I really do understand your keeping records. I did that for a long time because I knew, deep down, there was something so dysfunctional about how I was being treated that I kept them as a validation for my feelings. I also kept them for that, when we got back together (which was several times), if push came to shove I had the proof that **I** wasn't the one acting crazy. If only I knew then what I know now. But, I'm glad I did keep them, for it was only when I showed our therapist the emails/texts, that she immediately told me that she was BPD. But, even then, I still didn't listen. It took my BPDx messing with my kids to wake me up. I'm a "learn the hard way" sort of bloke.

It's easy to beat the shyte out of yourself over this. I still do. My ignorance, my desperation, my guilt, my self-loathing. But, it gets better every day. Just rebuild what's been destroyed. It sucks that it's so much easier to destroy than it is to rebuild. But, just remember, what's been destroyed can be rebuilt into something better. It's what keeps my motor running

[peacefulmind]

Thank you for your kind words. I have realised how much it has already helped me to write it down, and to talk to people who understand the matter and understand how devastating being with BPD is. My friends and family have no clue as to what I am going through and the main response is "You'll be fine, just move on and find someone else", but I do not think they understand the devastating background and what BPD does to you as a person. I feel that my core values have been ripped out, stomped on, and buried in lies and manipulations and it will take me quite a while to dig them back up. This is also a reason why I have decided to keep all records of conversations. Once I feel more centered and more in peace, I will be able to go through them again and pinpoint the exact things that were lies and manipulations, and hopefully this will slowly unravel my long lost self-respect and determination. I do not belive this is a healthy way of doing it, but I do hope it's a good way for me to do it, because I have been lied to for several years, and have been used for someone else's gain. I need to assert my boundaries but in order for me to do that, I need to be able to go through the lies that inevitably broke my boundaries in the first place.

No, they (friends and family) don't and I'm glad they don't. I really do understand your keeping records. I did that for a long time because I knew, deep down, there was something so dysfunctional about how I was being treated that I kept them as a validation for my feelings. I also kept them for that, when we got back together (which was several times), if push came to shove I had the proof that **I** wasn't the one acting crazy. If only I knew then what I know now. But, I'm glad I did keep them, for it was only when I showed our therapist the emails/texts, that she immediately told me that she was BPD. But, even then, I still didn't listen. It took my BPDx messing with my kids to wake me up. I'm a "learn the hard way" sort of bloke.

It's easy to beat the shyte out of yourself over this. I still do. My ignorance, my desperation, my guilt, my self-loathing. But, it gets better every day. Just rebuild what's been destroyed. It sucks that it's so much easier to destroy than it is to rebuild. But, just remember, what's been destroyed can be rebuilt into something better. It's what keeps my motor running

That is terrible. No kids should ever be exposed to such behavior! That angers me to know. I am glad that you had your realisations when this happened, so it didn't continue for any longer. As I said earlier, my devaluation was very gradual, and I never saw it happening. This makes it very hard to read from the records I have kept, that I was in fact lied to but I know that everything as always been very "superficial" so to speak, with the responses I was given to my questions. The biggest warning sign for me right now, is how I felt during the relationship, the feeling of never getting a straight and true answer to the deeper questions I had. I can look back at some of my messages already and see how I was just indulging the behavior by always encouraging and supporting every impulsive idea that was brought up by my ex-BPD. I understand now, that I enabled the behavior, and I must have in the end triggered the abandomnent fears which made my ex-BPD run away. The worst part is, I would've never left, I would've stayed, and I would've loved uncoditionally for the rest of my life for this person, if only the true colors had never been shown. The gradual devaluation is a clear sign to me, that my ex-BPD has done this several times, and that I have been manipulated into believing that it was my ex-BPD's exes who did it (projection projection projection). It makes me angry to think of, and it makes me angry to know that I have been treated like something I'm not. I know that I am a good, kind-hearted person who do everything I can to help others, and the hero-complex unfortunately always make up for a bad combination no matter what relationship. It is something I have to work on, and I need to realise that my future relationships must not be based on me "saving" but me "being there". It's a painful truth and it hurts to see how my history of relationships all point back to  one common denominator: troubled people who need that supply or validation, but never gives anything back.

[Trog]

dagwoodbowser, Irish Pride, and Mutt

Thank you all for your words and kind empathy. This is without a doubt the worst thing I have ever had to go through, and the loneliness and emptiness I feel inside is often overwhelming to the point where I just feel like staying in bed all day and self-pity. I do realise however, that this is not the way forward and I have to pick myself up from the abuse I've been a part of, and that I myself am solely responsible for enabling the behavior in my ex-SO. I do believe that BPDs should still be held accountable for their actions (in most cases these are ADULT people!), but I also understand that their post-traumatic events in early childhood/adolescence have made them incapable of feeling remorse for their actions.

I will proudly say that I definitely am a people pleaser, and I understand how this kind of person is the main target for BPD/NPD. I like putting others before myself, listen to others' problems and help them through. I do feel it's a lonely struggle sometimes though, being there for others and you rarely see the same kindness or respect going the other way around (I, for one, have realised who I can trust will help me through when I need it... .). I won't apologise for who I am, because I know I am a good person with other people's interest in mind in any decision I take. What breaks me is the fact that this is the main reason why I ended up in this mess in the first place. Gullible is the adjective I need to work with and learn to assert my boundaries firmly.

I never realised the point at which I was already painted black. The last things my ex-BPD ever said to me before I never saw him/her again was "I love you". This has torn me apart thinking of, because I know now how little those words meant, and how true those words were to me... .I do not believe there is any going back from this, and I do not hope for a recycle. I do hope that the fact that my ex-BPD knows that borderline personality is one of the traits deeply embedded in my ex-BPDs nature, that something will clarify and make him/her realise that something has to be done. I also know that my inherent good nature makes me want to reach out and offer my help and guidance, but since I am already painted black, there's no reason for me to even attempt it. It hurts me to know, that I could've done more than I did, and instead of indulging and let my ex-BPD walk all over me for the sake of peace, I should've asserted myself more firmly. The paradox here is, that if I had done that, it would probably have driven my ex-BPD away even faster than what is the case here. It seems like a lose-lose situation as soon as you get involved with a BPD, and it saddens me to see how many are suffering from it on this and other support forums.

Thank you all for your advice, and I will try and assert myself more firmly in the future and hopefully be able to find someone who loves me for who I am and what I do for that person, more than what I provide of life energy and physical attraction.

once removed, I have read horror stories on what ex-BPDs are capable of when you cut all contact and leave the impression you will never come back. I understand that narcissistic supply is not the main feature of BPD, but as I wrote earlier, I do believe my ex-BPD is co-morbid narcissist (with the worst of the traits of them all!), given the history of family that is involved in this matter, and how I was sometimes being reeled into my ex-BPDs turbulent ex-relationships whenever there was a need for my comfort. On this matter, is one of the reasons why, when you try and reason with a BPD/NPD about how much you have done for them, and how much you have cared and loved them, that they simply don't care because you have not been the only one doing this for them?  I have been through hell and back with my ex-BPD with the problems in his/her life, and I've stayed as a rock whenever it was needed, but all of that has not mattered in the aftermath, and it seems as if it is just empty words to my ex-BPD.

I do also believe that my ex-BPD wanted things to work out, but it pains me to know that the fear of abandonment, or whatever trigger that caused the black-painting, was never even on the table for me. I would have never left, and I would've gone anywhere in the world for this person. My ex-BPD was my sun, my stars, and my moon, and I had no others that I would rather be with. Thank you for your words.

Well said. We're right there with you. You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned it's a "lose/lose" situation. It really is.

Anytime you need an ear, or anyone else for that matter, let me know. Like Mutt said, talking helps. Knowing you're not alone in your suffering helps. Knowing we're here for you helps. Best of luck!

Thank you for your kind words. I have realised how much it has already helped me to write it down, and to talk to people who understand the matter and understand how devastating being with BPD is. My friends and family have no clue as to what I am going through and the main response is "You'll be fine, just move on and find someone else", but I do not think they understand the devastating background and what BPD does to you as a person. I feel that my core values have been ripped out, stomped on, and buried in lies and manipulations and it will take me quite a while to dig them back up. This is also a reason why I have decided to keep all records of conversations. Once I feel more centered and more in peace, I will be able to go through them again and pinpoint the exact things that were lies and manipulations, and hopefully this will slowly unravel my long lost self-respect and determination. I do not belive this is a healthy way of doing it, but I do hope it's a good way for me to do it, because I have been lied to for several years, and have been used for someone else's gain. I need to assert my boundaries but in order for me to do that, I need to be able to go through the lies that inevitably broke my boundaries in the first place.

Friends say that don't they.

Don't be sure everything your ex said to you was a lie. If it's BPD, at that exact moment, they probably meant every word, promise and loved you exactly as they said. If its NPD, then maybe not. I think BPDs are really going in hoping for the best, probably against better judgement (of themselves and the relationship), they're hopelessly romantic and if asked would say they loved you even now. My ex BPD told me she still loved all her exes. It annoyed me no end. As for the lies, again, I never got straight answers, but I believe the "lies" or not telling of all truths... .were learnt patterns to avoid the consequences of hurting or disappointing us/you. They want so much for the relationship to work that they'll say things to patch it up at the moment, even if later on it the lie is exposed & causes far more pain. I'm not sure holding onto the idea that a person had bad intentions (really only socio/npd) for you will help you heal.

I'm sorry you are hurting and that your partner left you when you needed them. I left my partner when she needed me, this is how it looks to her and to the outside world. She left her ex-partner when they needed her when a parent died. I often felt abandoned by my ex, I feel it to this day and felt it daily within the relationship. My needs were sidelined. I couldn't take anymore loneliness, which I sure to face for a set period of time and possibly likely repeatedly for life, or pain. Betrayal of expectations hurts like a bandit. In my case, we both feel betrayed! But she betrayed me first so she loses... .no I lose... .no she loses. Or is it me?

I'm trying to make a helpful point here, not sure its coming through, I'm sorry you are hurting, its the worst thing I ever went through too.

[Dunder]

There's a certain comfort in knowing that I can come out of this stronger, more aware and proud that I didn't let it defeat me.

I didn't believe this the first couple of times I heard it, that I would grow and become stronger from the experience, I though it was cliché, hallmark greeting card, feel-good crap, but it's so true. I can feel real personal growth and maturity coming out of what I thought was just a huge mistake, just pure emotional horror.

[peacefulmind]

Trog, Thank you for your reply. As I said earlier, I do believe my ex-BPD is co-morbid narcissist with the worst traits of them all (supply, unable to feel guilt or remorse, never her fault, etc.), which is also why I brought up the lies and manipulations. I understand your point, I understand that my ex-BPD truly believed what was said, when it was said. I can acknowledge how betrayal of expectations hurt the most. My ex-BPD and I talked about the future, everything. I had my whole life going for me and I couldn't believe I was as lucky as I felt. But as the relationship progressed, more and more expectations and promises were broken, and I was blamed for it every time. It is also therefore I have a hard time believing that betrayal of expectations is not the same as lies. If a lie is the act of saying something untrue, then a betrayed expectation or promise is the same as a lie, isn't it? I agree with you, it will not help me heal, but it will help me to get more in-depth knowledge about what I should be wary about in the future.

I understand your point, and it's very telling as to how I feel right now. I am constantly being told that my ex-BPD does not deserve to have such an amazing person in her life, and that I am worth more. But it is still I who feel that I lost someone that I loved as much as I did. Once I let completely go of the past and realise that I will grow stronger from this, I will probably realise that I didn't lose much other than myself. My ex-BPD was never truly there.

Thank you, Dunder. You are so right, and for each day that passes by, I feel the change and I feel myself letting lose of the terrible cloud that has weakened my senses and my self-esteem. I want to believe you when you say that you get out of this stronger, and that's the goal I have currently set for myself. To become even stronger than I know I am... .

[Trog]

I understand your point, and it's very telling as to how I feel right now. I am constantly being told that my ex-BPD does not deserve to have such an amazing person in her life, and that I am worth more. But it is still I who feel that I lost someone that I loved as much as I did. Once I let completely go of the past and realise that I will grow stronger from this, I will probably realise that I didn't lose much other than myself. My ex-BPD was never truly there.

My friends tell me that too, her friends tell her that also. Of course, my friends are right and her friends are idiots 

I never believed my ex-wife was right for me in my head there was always a nagging doubt but I believed I could battle that and force it through, but I wanted her to be so badly, that desire is still with me, remnants of it. It wakes me up at 4.30am in tears, I'd invested so much of myself in our fantasy and some of it was so good and felt right, I've lost my best friend and my worst enemy all at once, I miss her warm body, her shape, her cuddles, even some of the stupid things she said that made me roll my eyes in despair. Now i never speak to her. Our friends don't get it because they've not been addicted to a fantasy/story, they've been in love with a person. We'd be better asking for support from AA.

You will grow stronger from this and you did lose something, not someone, the problem with constructed fantasies superimposed on the face of a terribly incompatible individual is that its hard for real people to compete with when shopping for new partners. They all seem terribly bland. Now the choice will be whether to get the superglue out again or throw away the false fantasy and learn to love a whole person who loves and appreciates you. (I'm in the phase where I care more about what I did/can do than thinking so much about my ex, its better than the prior phase). Annoyingly, its a process, happily, with a reward at the end

[peacefulmind]

I understand your point, and it's very telling as to how I feel right now. I am constantly being told that my ex-BPD does not deserve to have such an amazing person in her life, and that I am worth more. But it is still I who feel that I lost someone that I loved as much as I did. Once I let completely go of the past and realise that I will grow stronger from this, I will probably realise that I didn't lose much other than myself. My ex-BPD was never truly there.

My friends tell me that too, her friends tell her that also. Of course, my friends are right and her friends are idiots 

I never believed my ex-wife was right for me in my head there was always a nagging doubt but I believed I could battle that and force it through, but I wanted her to be so badly, that desire is still with me, remnants of it. It wakes me up at 4.30am in tears, I'd invested so much of myself in our fantasy and some of it was so good and felt right, I've lost my best friend and my worst enemy all at once, I miss her warm body, her shape, her cuddles, even some of the stupid things she said that made me roll my eyes in despair. Now i never speak to her. Our friends don't get it because they've not been addicted to a fantasy/story, they've been in love with a person. We'd be better asking for support from AA.

You will grow stronger from this and you did lose something, not someone, the problem with constructed fantasies superimposed on the face of a terribly incompatible individual is that its hard for real people to compete with when shopping for new partners. They all seem terribly bland. Now the choice will be whether to get the superglue out again or throw away the false fantasy and learn to love a whole person who loves and appreciates you. (I'm in the phase where I care more about what I did/can do than thinking so much about my ex, its better than the prior phase). Annoyingly, its a process, happily, with a reward at the end

I just commented on your "new beginning" thread. I am so happy for you and it inspires me to look forward to find that myself. And I wish you all the best with your new beginning. It gives me hope.

I feel that NC is helping me a great deal. A while ago I deleted all former contact platforms with my ex-BPD, including all social media etc. This enforced the NC rule, and it helped me from obsessing in the constant "what is he/she doing now?" "has he/she updated her status again to show the world he's/she's fine and everything is normal, as if I never existed?". I had a weak moment not too long ago where I removed my adblock of my ex-BPD facebook profile and went to check. Nothing but happy pictures and daily life stuff as if I in fact never existed. Let us just say that I quickly added the rule to my block again. It was a major blow that someone I loved as truly and deeply as I did, has removed all traces of what we had together.

How do you forget and move on? All the good times I had with my ex-BPD continues to play in my head like a broken record. I understand now, that those memories may have been real in the moment we had them, but that they were never more than an imposed reality that served to satisfy the present needs of the BPD. I was the reflection he/she needed in the moment, I was the energy and confidence he/she needed me to be when we spent time together, but he/she exhausted those resources and went on to find a new source... .That's what hurts me right now, and that's what I have a hard time to let go of. Because I loved my ex-BPD with everything I had and I was willing to give up SO much to have a future with him/her.

[Irish Pride]

That is terrible. No kids should ever be exposed to such behavior! That angers me to know. I am glad that you had your realisations when this happened, so it didn't continue for any longer. As I said earlier, my devaluation was very gradual, and I never saw it happening. This makes it very hard to read from the records I have kept, that I was in fact lied to but I know that everything as always been very "superficial" so to speak, with the responses I was given to my questions. The biggest warning sign for me right now, is how I felt during the relationship, the feeling of never getting a straight and true answer to the deeper questions I had. I can look back at some of my messages already and see how I was just indulging the behavior by always encouraging and supporting every impulsive idea that was brought up by my ex-BPD. I understand now, that I enabled the behavior, and I must have in the end triggered the abandomnent fears which made my ex-BPD run away. The worst part is, I would've never left, I would've stayed, and I would've loved uncoditionally for the rest of my life for this person, if only the true colors had never been shown. The gradual devaluation is a clear sign to me, that my ex-BPD has done this several times, and that I have been manipulated into believing that it was my ex-BPD's exes who did it (projection projection projection). It makes me angry to think of, and it makes me angry to know that I have been treated like something I'm not. I know that I am a good, kind-hearted person who do everything I can to help others, and the hero-complex unfortunately always make up for a bad combination no matter what relationship. It is something I have to work on, and I need to realise that my future relationships must not be based on me "saving" but me "being there". It's a painful truth and it hurts to see how my history of relationships all point back to  one common denominator: troubled people who need that supply or validation, but never gives anything back.

Luckily, it wasn't a direct blow to my kids. She knew/knows better. In fact, one of our "break-up's" had to do with how I was handling my children. No one... .and I mean NO ONE... .dictates to me how I handle my children. They are my end-all, be-all. And, with all honesty, that when it started to go downhill. When she realized she wasn't the center of my universe.

As far as everything else you've said, I completely relate. One of the more "defining" moments for me was when I was introduced to an ex of hers, about a month after our final breakup. It wasn't my intention, but I will NEVER forget his words to me regarding her. This is verbatim. "She can be the sweetest girl in world, but she is bi-polar as f*ck". And BING-O was his NAME-O. This gave me even more validation (as if I needed more) that I wasn't the only one seeing this. Hence my probing and research into this condition.

The anger part, for me, is the BIGGEST b___ to get over. The self-loathing, the guilt, the self-analyzing, the regret... .all of it. If only I knew then what I know now type of mentality. But, I have to continually remind myself to go easy on me. I was manipulated, I was given a false face. I agree with Trog, to a degree, about them wanting a relationship, wanting to be loved. I just think their "version" of what a relationship is, is warped and skewed. I truly think they don't understand what "true love" is all about. And that, to me, is the saddest part of it all.

[Trog]

I understand your point, and it's very telling as to how I feel right now. I am constantly being told that my ex-BPD does not deserve to have such an amazing person in her life, and that I am worth more. But it is still I who feel that I lost someone that I loved as much as I did. Once I let completely go of the past and realise that I will grow stronger from this, I will probably realise that I didn't lose much other than myself. My ex-BPD was never truly there.

My friends tell me that too, her friends tell her that also. Of course, my friends are right and her friends are idiots 

I never believed my ex-wife was right for me in my head there was always a nagging doubt but I believed I could battle that and force it through, but I wanted her to be so badly, that desire is still with me, remnants of it. It wakes me up at 4.30am in tears, I'd invested so much of myself in our fantasy and some of it was so good and felt right, I've lost my best friend and my worst enemy all at once, I miss her warm body, her shape, her cuddles, even some of the stupid things she said that made me roll my eyes in despair. Now i never speak to her. Our friends don't get it because they've not been addicted to a fantasy/story, they've been in love with a person. We'd be better asking for support from AA.

You will grow stronger from this and you did lose something, not someone, the problem with constructed fantasies superimposed on the face of a terribly incompatible individual is that its hard for real people to compete with when shopping for new partners. They all seem terribly bland. Now the choice will be whether to get the superglue out again or throw away the false fantasy and learn to love a whole person who loves and appreciates you. (I'm in the phase where I care more about what I did/can do than thinking so much about my ex, its better than the prior phase). Annoyingly, its a process, happily, with a reward at the end

I just commented on your "new beginning" thread. I am so happy for you and it inspires me to look forward to find that myself. And I wish you all the best with your new beginning. It gives me hope.

I feel that NC is helping me a great deal. A while ago I deleted all former contact platforms with my ex-BPD, including all social media etc. This enforced the NC rule, and it helped me from obsessing in the constant "what is he/she doing now?" "has he/she updated her status again to show the world he's/she's fine and everything is normal, as if I never existed?". I had a weak moment not too long ago where I removed my adblock of my ex-BPD facebook profile and went to check. Nothing but happy pictures and daily life stuff as if I in fact never existed. Let us just say that I quickly added the rule to my block again. It was a major blow that someone I loved as truly and deeply as I did, has removed all traces of what we had together.

How do you forget and move on? All the good times I had with my ex-BPD continues to play in my head like a broken record. I understand now, that those memories may have been real in the moment we had them, but that they were never more than an imposed reality that served to satisfy the present needs of the BPD. I was the reflection he/she needed in the moment, I was the energy and confidence he/she needed me to be when we spent time together, but he/she exhausted those resources and went on to find a new source... .That's what hurts me right now, and that's what I have a hard time to let go of. Because I loved my ex-BPD with everything I had and I was willing to give up SO much to have a future with him/her.

Thank you, I have to try really hard and be really mindful and make sure I learn the lessons of this past relationship to not put the same problems onto this fledgling relationship. I'm taking it slow, I need to know the full person, good and bad. Plus, she's younger than me and I don't want to hurt her. Lets see.

Do you feel your ex didn't know how much you loved them and what you were willing to give up? Or they didn't value it? It sounds to me like you still love them or the life you wanted to created. Its painful. There's not much I wouldn't have done for my wife either but unf she did a couple of things that I just can't forgive and they don't allow us to be together. There's no such thing as the one, don't worry.

[peacefulmind]

That is terrible. No kids should ever be exposed to such behavior! That angers me to know. I am glad that you had your realisations when this happened, so it didn't continue for any longer. As I said earlier, my devaluation was very gradual, and I never saw it happening. This makes it very hard to read from the records I have kept, that I was in fact lied to but I know that everything as always been very "superficial" so to speak, with the responses I was given to my questions. The biggest warning sign for me right now, is how I felt during the relationship, the feeling of never getting a straight and true answer to the deeper questions I had. I can look back at some of my messages already and see how I was just indulging the behavior by always encouraging and supporting every impulsive idea that was brought up by my ex-BPD. I understand now, that I enabled the behavior, and I must have in the end triggered the abandomnent fears which made my ex-BPD run away. The worst part is, I would've never left, I would've stayed, and I would've loved uncoditionally for the rest of my life for this person, if only the true colors had never been shown. The gradual devaluation is a clear sign to me, that my ex-BPD has done this several times, and that I have been manipulated into believing that it was my ex-BPD's exes who did it (projection projection projection). It makes me angry to think of, and it makes me angry to know that I have been treated like something I'm not. I know that I am a good, kind-hearted person who do everything I can to help others, and the hero-complex unfortunately always make up for a bad combination no matter what relationship. It is something I have to work on, and I need to realise that my future relationships must not be based on me "saving" but me "being there". It's a painful truth and it hurts to see how my history of relationships all point back to  one common denominator: troubled people who need that supply or validation, but never gives anything back.

Luckily, it wasn't a direct blow to my kids. She knew/knows better. In fact, one of our "break-up's" had to do with how I was handling my children. No one... .and I mean NO ONE... .dictates to me how I handle my children. They are my end-all, be-all. And, with all honesty, that when it started to go downhill. When she realized she wasn't the center of my universe.

As far as everything else you've said, I completely relate. One of the more "defining" moments for me was when I was introduced to an ex of hers, about a month after our final breakup. It wasn't my intention, but I will NEVER forget his words to me regarding her. This is verbatim. "She can be the sweetest girl in world, but she is bi-polar as f*ck". And BING-O was his NAME-O. This gave me even more validation (as if I needed more) that I wasn't the only one seeing this. Hence my probing and research into this condition.

The anger part, for me, is the BIGGEST b___ to get over. The self-loathing, the guilt, the self-analyzing, the regret... .all of it. If only I knew then what I know now type of mentality. But, I have to continually remind myself to go easy on me. I was manipulated, I was given a false face. I agree with Trog, to a degree, about them wanting a relationship, wanting to be loved. I just think their "version" of what a relationship is, is warped and skewed. I truly think they don't understand what "true love" is all about. And that, to me, is the saddest part of it all.

I am glad that nothing physically abusive happened and you nipped the bud at its root. It's interesting you're mentioning the introduction of one of his/her ex's. I have communication possibilities to at least one of his/her exes, a relationship that preceded ours and I was told that his/her ex silent treated my ex-BPD. I am not sure what to believe anymore and I know it is not healthy analysing this part, but it is interesting that my relationship may have been based off on a lie. That is what angers me and makes it impossible for me to trust anything that has ever happened in it.

I can relate to your anger. I was manipulated and lied to for several years and used (this was before the relationship started), and it aggravates me greatly, that I was so blind to what was going on. The patterns were there, I was just too much in love to see them  I agree that they mean it when they say "I love you", but they don't understand love like we do. A mouse eat cheese, not because it loves it, but because it needs it to stay healthy... .

[peacefulmind]

I understand your point, and it's very telling as to how I feel right now. I am constantly being told that my ex-BPD does not deserve to have such an amazing person in her life, and that I am worth more. But it is still I who feel that I lost someone that I loved as much as I did. Once I let completely go of the past and realise that I will grow stronger from this, I will probably realise that I didn't lose much other than myself. My ex-BPD was never truly there.

My friends tell me that too, her friends tell her that also. Of course, my friends are right and her friends are idiots 

I never believed my ex-wife was right for me in my head there was always a nagging doubt but I believed I could battle that and force it through, but I wanted her to be so badly, that desire is still with me, remnants of it. It wakes me up at 4.30am in tears, I'd invested so much of myself in our fantasy and some of it was so good and felt right, I've lost my best friend and my worst enemy all at once, I miss her warm body, her shape, her cuddles, even some of the stupid things she said that made me roll my eyes in despair. Now i never speak to her. Our friends don't get it because they've not been addicted to a fantasy/story, they've been in love with a person. We'd be better asking for support from AA.

You will grow stronger from this and you did lose something, not someone, the problem with constructed fantasies superimposed on the face of a terribly incompatible individual is that its hard for real people to compete with when shopping for new partners. They all seem terribly bland. Now the choice will be whether to get the superglue out again or throw away the false fantasy and learn to love a whole person who loves and appreciates you. (I'm in the phase where I care more about what I did/can do than thinking so much about my ex, its better than the prior phase). Annoyingly, its a process, happily, with a reward at the end

I just commented on your "new beginning" thread. I am so happy for you and it inspires me to look forward to find that myself. And I wish you all the best with your new beginning. It gives me hope.

I feel that NC is helping me a great deal. A while ago I deleted all former contact platforms with my ex-BPD, including all social media etc. This enforced the NC rule, and it helped me from obsessing in the constant "what is he/she doing now?" "has he/she updated her status again to show the world he's/she's fine and everything is normal, as if I never existed?". I had a weak moment not too long ago where I removed my adblock of my ex-BPD facebook profile and went to check. Nothing but happy pictures and daily life stuff as if I in fact never existed. Let us just say that I quickly added the rule to my block again. It was a major blow that someone I loved as truly and deeply as I did, has removed all traces of what we had together.

How do you forget and move on? All the good times I had with my ex-BPD continues to play in my head like a broken record. I understand now, that those memories may have been real in the moment we had them, but that they were never more than an imposed reality that served to satisfy the present needs of the BPD. I was the reflection he/she needed in the moment, I was the energy and confidence he/she needed me to be when we spent time together, but he/she exhausted those resources and went on to find a new source... .That's what hurts me right now, and that's what I have a hard time to let go of. Because I loved my ex-BPD with everything I had and I was willing to give up SO much to have a future with him/her.

Thank you, I have to try really hard and be really mindful and make sure I learn the lessons of this past relationship to not put the same problems onto this fledgling relationship. I'm taking it slow, I need to know the full person, good and bad. Plus, she's younger than me and I don't want to hurt her. Lets see.

Do you feel your ex didn't know how much you loved them and what you were willing to give up? Or they didn't value it? It sounds to me like you still love them or the life you wanted to created. Its painful. There's not much I wouldn't have done for my wife either but unf she did a couple of things that I just can't forgive and they don't allow us to be together. There's no such thing as the one, don't worry.

And that is the right approach. I had known my ex-BPD for several years as stated earlier, and I thought that I was already past the "learn the good and bad sides" already. Wow, was I wrong... .

My ex-BPD knew exactly how much I loved him/her, and knew exactly what I was willing to give up for a future together. But it was not valued as anything other than words, and it has meant nothing in the aftermath to the BU. Yes, I do still love my ex-BPD. I really do, but I also realise that I have now seen the real person behind the shallow facade I have been in love with for so long. I agree, it hurts like hell to realise this, and I have such a hard time coping with the fact that I have loved someone who only thought they loved me. I don't know how to move on from that, and I really need to self-assert myself to a larger degree than I have time for. I have a pressing situation since this is not the only thing that stresses me out, I have a future-dependent task at hand that I have to finish as well, and it is almost impossible at the moment. I find great comfort in listening to your stories, but it saddens me that so many people have fallen victim to this kind of behavior. I never realised how big a problem it is and how many people are affected by it on a daily basis. What is this world we live in?

[Achaya]

3. Acceptance that the "relationship" was truly over. No fairy tale ending. Cutting the cord and dealing with the true pain that it is truly over and never to be revisited. Letting myself feel the pain. Crying about it. Talking about it.

I hope this helps [/quote]
Irish Pride, I am really moved by your posts on this thread. I especially was touched by the statements above, as I am experiencing the difference now between the pain of acceptance of a death, and the pain of still hoping falsely for the person I fell in love with to show up once more. I have still not been move fully into acceptance of the death, but I will eventually move through it. I already know that what you say in the above quote is true.

[Irish Pride]

I am glad that nothing physically abusive happened and you nipped the bud at its root. It's interesting you're mentioning the introduction of one of his/her ex's. I have communication possibilities to at least one of his/her exes, a relationship that preceded ours and I was told that his/her ex silent treated my ex-BPD. I am not sure what to believe anymore and I know it is not healthy analysing this part, but it is interesting that my relationship may have been based off on a lie. That is what angers me and makes it impossible for me to trust anything that has ever happened in it.

I can relate to your anger. I was manipulated and lied to for several years and used (this was before the relationship started), and it aggravates me greatly, that I was so blind to what was going on. The patterns were there, I was just too much in love to see them  I agree that they mean it when they say "I love you", but they don't understand love like we do. A mouse eat cheese, not because it loves it, but because it needs it to stay healthy... .

Thank you. The meeting with the ex, while out of the blue and NOT my idea, wound up being mildly cathartic. Just his mention of her being "bi-polar" helped validate that I WASN'T the one with the skewed view. That my intuitions were correct. We swapped some funny war stories and that was about it. You'd have thought that would've cemented her diagnosis (in my mind) then, but hindsight is 20/20. Oh well.

Again, that's the b___kitty. IMO, you CAN'T trust anything about the relationship. Do I think the whole relationship was a lie? No. But, in her own words, she "loved me the best way she knew how". Those words alone should've raised the hair on my neck. She was aware. She told me, previously, that she was "broken" and had a "black heart". She was drunk at the time, so I wrote it off as drunkspeak. Now I know better. You're right... .love is blind. And I was Stevie Wonder in an unlit room at midnight.

[Irish Pride]

3. Acceptance that the "relationship" was truly over. No fairy tale ending. Cutting the cord and dealing with the true pain that it is truly over and never to be revisited. Letting myself feel the pain. Crying about it. Talking about it.

I hope this helps

Irish Pride, I am really moved by your posts on this thread. I especially was touched by the statements above, as I am experiencing the difference now between the pain of acceptance of a death, and the pain of still hoping falsely for the person I fell in love with to show up once more. I have still not been move fully into acceptance of the death, but I will eventually move through it. I already know that what you say in the above quote is true. [/quote]
Wow. All I can say is thank you. This helps makes what I've gone through worth it. If I can help, in any way, or steer someone in a good direction, it really does make it worth something. Makes it less painful. Thank you. All my best for you!

[peacefulmind]

I am glad that nothing physically abusive happened and you nipped the bud at its root. It's interesting you're mentioning the introduction of one of his/her ex's. I have communication possibilities to at least one of his/her exes, a relationship that preceded ours and I was told that his/her ex silent treated my ex-BPD. I am not sure what to believe anymore and I know it is not healthy analysing this part, but it is interesting that my relationship may have been based off on a lie. That is what angers me and makes it impossible for me to trust anything that has ever happened in it.

I can relate to your anger. I was manipulated and lied to for several years and used (this was before the relationship started), and it aggravates me greatly, that I was so blind to what was going on. The patterns were there, I was just too much in love to see them  I agree that they mean it when they say "I love you", but they don't understand love like we do. A mouse eat cheese, not because it loves it, but because it needs it to stay healthy... .

Thank you. The meeting with the ex, while out of the blue and NOT my idea, wound up being mildly cathartic. Just his mention of her being "bi-polar" helped validate that I WASN'T the one with the skewed view. That my intuitions were correct. We swapped some funny war stories and that was about it. You'd have thought that would've cemented her diagnosis (in my mind) then, but hindsight is 20/20. Oh well.

Again, that's the b___kitty. IMO, you CAN'T trust anything about the relationship. Do I think the whole relationship was a lie? No. But, in her own words, she "loved me the best way she knew how". Those words alone should've raised the hair on my neck. She was aware. She told me, previously, that she was "broken" and had a "black heart". She was drunk at the time, so I wrote it off as drunkspeak. Now I know better. You're right... .love is blind. And I was Stevie Wonder in an unlit room at midnight.

I agree with Achaya, your advice is greatly appreciated.

I am still contemplating contacting the ex of my ex-BPD and ask how their relationship ended. I do not know the ramifications of this and that is what is holding me back. It could shed light on some of the questions I still have to process daily, and I am not sure I will like the answer.

Yes, love does make blind and I have had to accept that my indulging of my ex-BPD's behavior just made it all much worse. Enabling lying and manipulation as a new relationship starts, is unfortunately not an easy task to prevent, since you will have no idea about it... .

[Irish Pride]

I agree with Achaya, your advice is greatly appreciated.

I am still contemplating contacting the ex of my ex-BPD and ask how their relationship ended. I do not know the ramifications of this and that is what is holding me back. It could shed light on some of the questions I still have to process daily, and I am not sure I will like the answer.

Yes, love does make blind and I have had to accept that my indulging of my ex-BPD's behavior just made it all much worse. Enabling lying and manipulation as a new relationship starts, is unfortunately not an easy task to prevent, since you will have no idea about it... .

Thank you, Peaceful. It means a lot.

I completely understand where you're coming from and I guess the biggest question you have to ask yourself is ":)oes it matter?". I mean, yes, if they broke up for the same/similar reasons you did, it'd validate your feelings and make you feel a bit better that YOU weren't wrong about his/her dysfunction. At least it did for me. But, at the end, it didn't matter if I had talked to him, or not. I knew better then and I certainly know better now. Weigh the pro's and con's and go with your gut.

[peacefulmind]

I agree with Achaya, your advice is greatly appreciated.

I am still contemplating contacting the ex of my ex-BPD and ask how their relationship ended. I do not know the ramifications of this and that is what is holding me back. It could shed light on some of the questions I still have to process daily, and I am not sure I will like the answer.

Yes, love does make blind and I have had to accept that my indulging of my ex-BPD's behavior just made it all much worse. Enabling lying and manipulation as a new relationship starts, is unfortunately not an easy task to prevent, since you will have no idea about it... .

Thank you, Peaceful. It means a lot.

I completely understand where you're coming from and I guess the biggest question you have to ask yourself is ":)oes it matter?". I mean, yes, if they broke up for the same/similar reasons you did, it'd validate your feelings and make you feel a bit better that YOU weren't wrong about his/her dysfunction. At least it did for me. But, at the end, it didn't matter if I had talked to him, or not. I knew better then and I certainly know better now. Weigh the pro's and con's and go with your gut.

The problem for me is that the former ex knows that my ex-BPD talked to me during their relationship, and it made him/her very unnerved (understandable). I'm not sure I will gain anything other than a horrible comment or something that will just make it all so much harder to tolerate.

It doesn't matter in the whole picture, but I guess I am grasping for answers right now. I think I will make a list of all the bad things I experienced during my relationship and all the good things I experienced. Maybe that will shed light on at least a few of the questions I have looping around in my head right now... .

[Irish Pride]

I agree with Achaya, your advice is greatly appreciated.

I am still contemplating contacting the ex of my ex-BPD and ask how their relationship ended. I do not know the ramifications of this and that is what is holding me back. It could shed light on some of the questions I still have to process daily, and I am not sure I will like the answer.

Yes, love does make blind and I have had to accept that my indulging of my ex-BPD's behavior just made it all much worse. Enabling lying and manipulation as a new relationship starts, is unfortunately not an easy task to prevent, since you will have no idea about it... .

Thank you, Peaceful. It means a lot.

I completely understand where you're coming from and I guess the biggest question you have to ask yourself is ":)oes it matter?". I mean, yes, if they broke up for the same/similar reasons you did, it'd validate your feelings and make you feel a bit better that YOU weren't wrong about his/her dysfunction. At least it did for me. But, at the end, it didn't matter if I had talked to him, or not. I knew better then and I certainly know better now. Weigh the pro's and con's and go with your gut.

The problem for me is that the former ex knows that my ex-BPD talked to me during their relationship, and it made him/her very unnerved (understandable). I'm not sure I will gain anything other than a horrible comment or something that will just make it all so much harder to tolerate.

It doesn't matter in the whole picture, but I guess I am grasping for answers right now. I think I will make a list of all the bad things I experienced during my relationship and all the good things I experienced. Maybe that will shed light on at least a few of the questions I have looping around in my head right now... .

Good idea. I did the same thing. Listed what was great, what wasn't. The "wasn't" greatly outnumbered the "was". Not to mention, I can't be certain that the "was" had anything to do with her. It may have had more to do with my pleasing her and that's why it was good.

I highly recommend making a list. Seeing it, in black and white, will help put it into perspective.

[peacefulmind]

I agree with Achaya, your advice is greatly appreciated.

I am still contemplating contacting the ex of my ex-BPD and ask how their relationship ended. I do not know the ramifications of this and that is what is holding me back. It could shed light on some of the questions I still have to process daily, and I am not sure I will like the answer.

Yes, love does make blind and I have had to accept that my indulging of my ex-BPD's behavior just made it all much worse. Enabling lying and manipulation as a new relationship starts, is unfortunately not an easy task to prevent, since you will have no idea about it... .

Thank you, Peaceful. It means a lot.

I completely understand where you're coming from and I guess the biggest question you have to ask yourself is ":)oes it matter?". I mean, yes, if they broke up for the same/similar reasons you did, it'd validate your feelings and make you feel a bit better that YOU weren't wrong about his/her dysfunction. At least it did for me. But, at the end, it didn't matter if I had talked to him, or not. I knew better then and I certainly know better now. Weigh the pro's and con's and go with your gut.

The problem for me is that the former ex knows that my ex-BPD talked to me during their relationship, and it made him/her very unnerved (understandable). I'm not sure I will gain anything other than a horrible comment or something that will just make it all so much harder to tolerate.

It doesn't matter in the whole picture, but I guess I am grasping for answers right now. I think I will make a list of all the bad things I experienced during my relationship and all the good things I experienced. Maybe that will shed light on at least a few of the questions I have looping around in my head right now... .

Good idea. I did the same thing. Listed what was great, what wasn't. The "wasn't" greatly outnumbered the "was". Not to mention, I can't be certain that the "was" had anything to do with her. It may have had more to do with my pleasing her and that's why it was good.

I highly recommend making a list. Seeing it, in black and white, will help put it into perspective.

I have noticed one thing in my constant relationship looping and thinking of what was... .The same scenarios keep coming up when I think about the good things that happened, and most of it was on my behalf, usually me initiating it or me suggesting. When I think about the bad things, I can continuously find new things to bring up, and it hurts so much to know that all these things were there, I just never noticed because I loved my ex so damn much. It's terrifying and cruel at the same time that this is something I keep doing, but I can feel perfectly fine and then it turns on a plate in an instance, because something triggers me. It is hard to know that you did everything possible to satisfy what you thought was the need of the relationship, when in fact it was the need of your SO all along. How naive.

[sbr1050]

/quote

I can no longer continue to let her pull me under the water. I cut her loose and I'm swimming back to shore.[/quote]
I LOVE this quote!

[Irish Pride]

/quote

I can no longer continue to let her pull me under the water. I cut her loose and I'm swimming back to shore.

I LOVE this quote![/quote]


Thank you. I truly hope it helps!

[peacefulmind]

/quote

I can no longer continue to let her pull me under the water. I cut her loose and I'm swimming back to shore.

I LOVE this quote!

I can no longer continue to let her pull me under the water. I cut her loose and I'm swimming back to shore. I can no longer continue to let her pull me under the water. I cut her loose and I'm swimming back to shore. I can no longer continue to let her pull me under the water. I cut her loose and I'm swimming back to shore.

Thank you, Irish.

[DyingLove]

I have noticed one thing in my constant relationship looping and thinking of what was... .The same scenarios keep coming up when I think about the good things that happened, and most of it was on my behalf, usually me initiating it or me suggesting. When I think about the bad things, I can continuously find new things to bring up, and it hurts so much to know that all these things were there, I just never noticed because I loved my ex so damn much. It's terrifying and cruel at the same time that this is something I keep doing, but I can feel perfectly fine and then it turns on a plate in an instance, because something triggers me. It is hard to know that you did everything possible to satisfy what you thought was the need of the relationship, when in fact it was the need of your SO all along. How naive.

Peacefulmind, there are too many good things in this thread, but for lack of time I gotta say that I can really relate to what you've said here. I can relate to the same scenarios coming up over and over. Same thing with me.  I'm sure if I was able to rid myself of one thing, another would take it's place, until I had nothing left to substitute the scenes with.  I was weak this morning. Thinking of HER routine in Florida.  I was up for everything. Up at 5:30, kid getting delivered at 6:05, leaving for daycare and work at 7:00.  And here I am, pathetically sitting here, coffee in hand, without the strength or drive to power my own day. I've noticed since I've been back, how important sleep is.  I am sleeping much better than I used to, but if I could go DEEPER for LONGER, I think I'd wake up like a firecracker.  I wonder if even better sleep would get me thru my ruminations and woes faster and better?

Peacefulmind, I still say that I love my ex dearly and devotedly. My mind goes crazy trying to find that scenario that would work to get us back together.  I've come to one big important conclusion:  It all starts with HER making the first move. If she doesn't have the guts or "daring" to reach out to me, then I cannot move forward.  I did it all in the beginning. Okay, she was involved too, she gets plenty of credit for her part, but I dropped my NY life to have a FL. life which would not happen without her.  I would have definitely stayed in NY.  So I changed mainly. She remained the same (and got better).  The ball is in her court.

[peacefulmind]

I have noticed one thing in my constant relationship looping and thinking of what was... .The same scenarios keep coming up when I think about the good things that happened, and most of it was on my behalf, usually me initiating it or me suggesting. When I think about the bad things, I can continuously find new things to bring up, and it hurts so much to know that all these things were there, I just never noticed because I loved my ex so damn much. It's terrifying and cruel at the same time that this is something I keep doing, but I can feel perfectly fine and then it turns on a plate in an instance, because something triggers me. It is hard to know that you did everything possible to satisfy what you thought was the need of the relationship, when in fact it was the need of your SO all along. How naive.

Peacefulmind, there are too many good things in this thread, but for lack of time I gotta say that I can really relate to what you've said here. I can relate to the same scenarios coming up over and over. Same thing with me.  I'm sure if I was able to rid myself of one thing, another would take it's place, until I had nothing left to substitute the scenes with.  I was weak this morning. Thinking of HER routine in Florida.  I was up for everything. Up at 5:30, kid getting delivered at 6:05, leaving for daycare and work at 7:00.  And here I am, pathetically sitting here, coffee in hand, without the strength or drive to power my own day. I've noticed since I've been back, how important sleep is.  I am sleeping much better than I used to, but if I could go DEEPER for LONGER, I think I'd wake up like a firecracker.  I wonder if even better sleep would get me thru my ruminations and woes faster and better?

Peacefulmind, I still say that I love my ex dearly and devotedly. My mind goes crazy trying to find that scenario that would work to get us back together.  I've come to one big important conclusion:  It all starts with HER making the first move. If she doesn't have the guts or "daring" to reach out to me, then I cannot move forward.  I did it all in the beginning. Okay, she was involved too, she gets plenty of credit for her part, but I dropped my NY life to have a FL. life which would not happen without her.  I would have definitely stayed in NY.  So I changed mainly. She remained the same (and got better).  The ball is in her court.

I have made same commitments as you. My relationship was all about me changing my day/night cycle, it was all about me making the sacrifices while I still had an every day to attend to with a very stressful environment. I found the strength in my relationship, that I had someone who loved me and cared for my well-being. Looking at it in hindsight, I now realise that those sacrifices were made to satisfy my ex, not myself. I never asked for anything, and I never asked for my ex to make any sacrifices like I did. And he/she never did.

As I stated earlier, I have deleted all contact venues (other than emailing, not sure how to block someone on there). I have not really left any avenues for further contact, and I am not sure I want any reach out. I know how it will go anyway, it will be the blame game on me and why I was such a terrible bf/gf. And it is not something I need right now. I am using NC as a tool at this point to keep myself safe from any such lashing out (not that I expect it, because I know what type of BPD my ex is). Later, I will completely detach but I need to work a bit more on myself before I can assert myself in such way.

Thank you for sharing, it seems like we both made a lot of sacrifices that weren't exactly healthy in hindsight.

[DyingLove]

I have noticed one thing in my constant relationship looping and thinking of what was... .The same scenarios keep coming up when I think about the good things that happened, and most of it was on my behalf, usually me initiating it or me suggesting. When I think about the bad things, I can continuously find new things to bring up, and it hurts so much to know that all these things were there, I just never noticed because I loved my ex so damn much. It's terrifying and cruel at the same time that this is something I keep doing, but I can feel perfectly fine and then it turns on a plate in an instance, because something triggers me. It is hard to know that you did everything possible to satisfy what you thought was the need of the relationship, when in fact it was the need of your SO all along. How naive.

Peacefulmind, there are too many good things in this thread, but for lack of time I gotta say that I can really relate to what you've said here. I can relate to the same scenarios coming up over and over. Same thing with me.  I'm sure if I was able to rid myself of one thing, another would take it's place, until I had nothing left to substitute the scenes with.  I was weak this morning. Thinking of HER routine in Florida.  I was up for everything. Up at 5:30, kid getting delivered at 6:05, leaving for daycare and work at 7:00.  And here I am, pathetically sitting here, coffee in hand, without the strength or drive to power my own day. I've noticed since I've been back, how important sleep is.  I am sleeping much better than I used to, but if I could go DEEPER for LONGER, I think I'd wake up like a firecracker.  I wonder if even better sleep would get me thru my ruminations and woes faster and better?

Peacefulmind, I still say that I love my ex dearly and devotedly. My mind goes crazy trying to find that scenario that would work to get us back together.  I've come to one big important conclusion:  It all starts with HER making the first move. If she doesn't have the guts or "daring" to reach out to me, then I cannot move forward.  I did it all in the beginning. Okay, she was involved too, she gets plenty of credit for her part, but I dropped my NY life to have a FL. life which would not happen without her.  I would have definitely stayed in NY.  So I changed mainly. She remained the same (and got better).  The ball is in her court.

I have made same commitments as you. My relationship was all about me changing my day/night cycle, it was all about me making the sacrifices while I still had an every day to attend to with a very stressful environment. I found the strength in my relationship, that I had someone who loved me and cared for my well-being. Looking at it in hindsight, I now realise that those sacrifices were made to satisfy my ex, not myself. I never asked for anything, and I never asked for my ex to make any sacrifices like I did. And he/she never did.

As I stated earlier, I have deleted all contact venues (other than emailing, not sure how to block someone on there). I have not really left any avenues for further contact, and I am not sure I want any reach out. I know how it will go anyway, it will be the blame game on me and why I was such a terrible bf/gf. And it is not something I need right now. I am using NC as a tool at this point to keep myself safe from any such lashing out (not that I expect it, because I know what type of BPD my ex is). Later, I will completely detach but I need to work a bit more on myself before I can assert myself in such way.

Thank you for sharing, it seems like we both made a lot of sacrifices that weren't exactly healthy in hindsight.

... .and still I have to say that I love her dearly and if there was a way, I would do it all again at this point.  Yes, I did so much for her... .but I didn't want anything in return, it's just what a person does in a relationship when they love someone. It's just the way it is.  But when it's mainly give, there is no balance.  I have to say on behalf of her, when we went shopping, her bank card ALWAY came out. One day I wanted to pay for something and she asked why: I told her I don't want to feel like I'm not doing my part.  INSTANT ARGUMENT.  BUT at the end, she complained she was supporting me!  And all I did was stay home and J/O.  How hurtful she could be.  She did a lot, I used to see it like we each did what we were good at, but I gotta say in the beginning I got her way out of hot water. She lost the house she lived in for over 20 years because her credit was zero. She couldn't pay bills and I paid them. She needed things and I bought them.  She won't remember this stuff. Why should she.  Would love to tattoo them on her forehead.  Even this morning I'm thinking about all the things I took when I left.  BUT I also thought about all the things I left her too!  To ease my heart, I try to convince myself that we are even.  AND STILL I want her back.  Go figure!

[peacefulmind]

I have noticed one thing in my constant relationship looping and thinking of what was... .The same scenarios keep coming up when I think about the good things that happened, and most of it was on my behalf, usually me initiating it or me suggesting. When I think about the bad things, I can continuously find new things to bring up, and it hurts so much to know that all these things were there, I just never noticed because I loved my ex so damn much. It's terrifying and cruel at the same time that this is something I keep doing, but I can feel perfectly fine and then it turns on a plate in an instance, because something triggers me. It is hard to know that you did everything possible to satisfy what you thought was the need of the relationship, when in fact it was the need of your SO all along. How naive.

Peacefulmind, there are too many good things in this thread, but for lack of time I gotta say that I can really relate to what you've said here. I can relate to the same scenarios coming up over and over. Same thing with me.  I'm sure if I was able to rid myself of one thing, another would take it's place, until I had nothing left to substitute the scenes with.  I was weak this morning. Thinking of HER routine in Florida.  I was up for everything. Up at 5:30, kid getting delivered at 6:05, leaving for daycare and work at 7:00.  And here I am, pathetically sitting here, coffee in hand, without the strength or drive to power my own day. I've noticed since I've been back, how important sleep is.  I am sleeping much better than I used to, but if I could go DEEPER for LONGER, I think I'd wake up like a firecracker.  I wonder if even better sleep would get me thru my ruminations and woes faster and better?

Peacefulmind, I still say that I love my ex dearly and devotedly. My mind goes crazy trying to find that scenario that would work to get us back together.  I've come to one big important conclusion:  It all starts with HER making the first move. If she doesn't have the guts or "daring" to reach out to me, then I cannot move forward.  I did it all in the beginning. Okay, she was involved too, she gets plenty of credit for her part, but I dropped my NY life to have a FL. life which would not happen without her.  I would have definitely stayed in NY.  So I changed mainly. She remained the same (and got better).  The ball is in her court.

I have made same commitments as you. My relationship was all about me changing my day/night cycle, it was all about me making the sacrifices while I still had an every day to attend to with a very stressful environment. I found the strength in my relationship, that I had someone who loved me and cared for my well-being. Looking at it in hindsight, I now realise that those sacrifices were made to satisfy my ex, not myself. I never asked for anything, and I never asked for my ex to make any sacrifices like I did. And he/she never did.

As I stated earlier, I have deleted all contact venues (other than emailing, not sure how to block someone on there). I have not really left any avenues for further contact, and I am not sure I want any reach out. I know how it will go anyway, it will be the blame game on me and why I was such a terrible bf/gf. And it is not something I need right now. I am using NC as a tool at this point to keep myself safe from any such lashing out (not that I expect it, because I know what type of BPD my ex is). Later, I will completely detach but I need to work a bit more on myself before I can assert myself in such way.

Thank you for sharing, it seems like we both made a lot of sacrifices that weren't exactly healthy in hindsight.

... .and still I have to say that I love her dearly and if there was a way, I would do it all again at this point.  Yes, I did so much for her... .but I didn't want anything in return, it's just what a person does in a relationship when they love someone. It's just the way it is.  But when it's mainly give, there is no balance.  I have to say on behalf of her, when we went shopping, her bank card ALWAY came out. One day I wanted to pay for something and she asked why: I told her I don't want to feel like I'm not doing my part.  INSTANT ARGUMENT.  BUT at the end, she complained she was supporting me!  And all I did was stay home and J/O.  How hurtful she could be.  She did a lot, I used to see it like we each did what we were good at, but I gotta say in the beginning I got her way out of hot water. She lost the house she lived in for over 20 years because her credit was zero. She couldn't pay bills and I paid them. She needed things and I bought them.  She won't remember this stuff. Why should she.  Would love to tattoo them on her forehead.  Even this morning I'm thinking about all the things I took when I left.  BUT I also thought about all the things I left her too!  To ease my heart, I try to convince myself that we are even.  AND STILL I want her back.  Go figure!

I still love my ex, so much and I have so much passion for him/her. I am still not detached, and I will proudly say that I still love the person I thought I knew. Once I reach a stage where I can convince myself that that person is no more, it will also be much easier for me to reach the detachment stage and eventually freedom. At this point, I'm still processing. I learn so much from this forum and I am so happy to share my stories with people who have a similar insight into what is going on (tragic happiness, since we shouldn't be here in the first place!).

It sounds like your processing is also going rather slow, but as long as we both receive support from like-minded people, I do believe we can make it through. I have no temporal limit set for myself as to how long I will allow myself to process, but I do want to say that I will speed up on which ever area I can. I have once tried to tell myself that I was over it, and it backfired, and it spiralled me into the depression I am currently facing every day. I should've never allowed myself to think that I was okay, because I was/am not. I am deeply wounded and a band-aid is unfortunately not enough in this case.

Stay strong DyingLove, keep letting yourself feel your emotions even if they hurt. Eventually, the hurt will dissapear and only the emotions will be left. And those can be dealt with in a much healthier way than we're experiencing it right now 

[DyingLove]

I still love my ex, so much and I have so much passion for him/her. I am still not detached, and I will proudly say that I still love the person I thought I knew. Once I reach a stage where I can convince myself that that person is no more, it will also be much easier for me to reach the detachment stage and eventually freedom. At this point, I'm still processing. I learn so much from this forum and I am so happy to share my stories with people who have a similar insight into what is going on (tragic happiness, since we shouldn't be here in the first place!).

It sounds like your processing is also going rather slow, but as long as we both receive support from like-minded people, I do believe we can make it through. I have no temporal limit set for myself as to how long I will allow myself to process, but I do want to say that I will speed up on which ever area I can. I have once tried to tell myself that I was over it, and it backfired, and it spiralled me into the depression I am currently facing every day. I should've never allowed myself to think that I was okay, because I was/am not. I am deeply wounded and a band-aid is unfortunately not enough in this case.

Slow is not strong enough a word peacefulmind. Sometimes I am in slow motion and unless I get distracted I become trapped in thoughts and pain.  It's very difficult for me to be creative (I design) while I hurt. If her wish was pain and suffering for me, she once again got her way.  If she cared, she would be back.  Love is not selfish and it finds a way when necessary.  So maybe I'm the only one that has ever seen "inspirational quotes", because I always find a way, but she doesn't/didn't.  What the heck is wrong with people... .BPD or not!  This is torture, TORTURE!  Can you imagine someone sitting back watching all of us get hurt, and not lifting a finger to stop it!

Remember the show the 4400?  Or even Resurrection?  Can you imagine the REAL people coming back to us and removing the clones with BPD?  So many lives and loves would be spared.

[peacefulmind]

I still love my ex, so much and I have so much passion for him/her. I am still not detached, and I will proudly say that I still love the person I thought I knew. Once I reach a stage where I can convince myself that that person is no more, it will also be much easier for me to reach the detachment stage and eventually freedom. At this point, I'm still processing. I learn so much from this forum and I am so happy to share my stories with people who have a similar insight into what is going on (tragic happiness, since we shouldn't be here in the first place!).

It sounds like your processing is also going rather slow, but as long as we both receive support from like-minded people, I do believe we can make it through. I have no temporal limit set for myself as to how long I will allow myself to process, but I do want to say that I will speed up on which ever area I can. I have once tried to tell myself that I was over it, and it backfired, and it spiralled me into the depression I am currently facing every day. I should've never allowed myself to think that I was okay, because I was/am not. I am deeply wounded and a band-aid is unfortunately not enough in this case.

Slow is not strong enough a word peacefulmind. Sometimes I am in slow motion and unless I get distracted I become trapped in thoughts and pain.  It's very difficult for me to be creative (I design) while I hurt. If her wish was pain and suffering for me, she once again got her way.  If she cared, she would be back.  Love is not selfish and it finds a way when necessary.  So maybe I'm the only one that has ever seen "inspirational quotes", because I always find a way, but she doesn't/didn't.  What the heck is wrong with people... .BPD or not!  This is torture, TORTURE!  Can you imagine someone sitting back watching all of us get hurt, and not lifting a finger to stop it!

Remember the show the 4400?  Or even Resurrection?  Can you imagine the REAL people coming back to us and removing the clones with BPD?  So many lives and loves would be spared.

I know the feeling. I am not productive when I have my off-days. Not at all.

Look at the bolded sentence. This is the exact problem that I am dealing with right now, and I am slowly accepting that this is not what my ex-BPD wanted for me. It is something that I inflict upon myself by constantly obsessing and ruminating about "what if... .".

Once you realise that your ex-BPD truly does not care about you or your feelings, then it will also become much less of a hassle to deal with that fact. It is hard to know that you have given your everything, you have sacrificed so much, and you have been left to fight for yourself in the time where you needed her. It is not that she doesn't want to lift a finger for your pain, it's the fact that she can't. Look at it this way: If she came back, that would be called a recycle. What does a recycle lead to? The same thing happening to you again, maybe in a year, maybe in a month, who knows? Only this time, you will have so many questions answered, and I am not sure you will like any of them. Do you really want to keep doing this to yourself in pursuit of temporary happiness? She will never be able to rid you off of your pain, too much has already been damaged, there's no going back. Only you can fix yourself now, by the help of the many kind people on this board who will answer your questions and help you through to the best of their ability.

[DyingLove]

I know the feeling. I am not productive when I have my off-days. Not at all.

Look at the bolded sentence. This is the exact problem that I am dealing with right now, and I am slowly accepting that this is not what my ex-BPD wanted for me. It is something that I inflict upon myself by constantly obsessing and ruminating about "what if... .".

Once you realise that your ex-BPD truly does not care about you or your feelings, then it will also become much less of a hassle to deal with that fact. It is hard to know that you have given your everything, you have sacrificed so much, and you have been left to fight for yourself in the time where you needed her. It is not that she doesn't want to lift a finger for your pain, it's the fact that she can't. Look at it this way: If she came back, that would be called a recycle. What does a recycle lead to? The same thing happening to you again, maybe in a year, maybe in a month, who knows? Only this time, you will have so many questions answered, and I am not sure you will like any of them. Do you really want to keep doing this to yourself in pursuit of temporary happiness? She will never be able to rid you off of your pain, too much has already been damaged, there's no going back. Only you can fix yourself now, by the help of the many kind people on this board who will answer your questions and help you through to the best of their ability.

I put this on my desktop sticky note.  It's a good referral to why it will never work regardless of how much I love her. Once again, if she made the move, if she became responsible, if she got better or healed up somewhat, if she could open her eyes to reality... .then I'd be dealing with a much more normal individual and We might make it... .damn we would make it.  You get out of it what you put into it.  (just gave myself false hope, no good!)

[peacefulmind]

I know the feeling. I am not productive when I have my off-days. Not at all.

Look at the bolded sentence. This is the exact problem that I am dealing with right now, and I am slowly accepting that this is not what my ex-BPD wanted for me. It is something that I inflict upon myself by constantly obsessing and ruminating about "what if... .".

Once you realise that your ex-BPD truly does not care about you or your feelings, then it will also become much less of a hassle to deal with that fact. It is hard to know that you have given your everything, you have sacrificed so much, and you have been left to fight for yourself in the time where you needed her. It is not that she doesn't want to lift a finger for your pain, it's the fact that she can't. Look at it this way: If she came back, that would be called a recycle. What does a recycle lead to? The same thing happening to you again, maybe in a year, maybe in a month, who knows? Only this time, you will have so many questions answered, and I am not sure you will like any of them. Do you really want to keep doing this to yourself in pursuit of temporary happiness? She will never be able to rid you off of your pain, too much has already been damaged, there's no going back. Only you can fix yourself now, by the help of the many kind people on this board who will answer your questions and help you through to the best of their ability.

I put this on my desktop sticky note.  It's a good referral to why it will never work regardless of how much I love her. Once again, if she made the move, if she became responsible, if she got better or healed up somewhat, if she could open her eyes to reality... .then I'd be dealing with a much more normal individual and We might make it... .damn we would make it.  You get out of it what you put into it.  (just gave myself false hope, no good!)

As I told you in the private message, I still have a very passionate love for my ex-BPD. There's no shame in that, and you shouldn't beat yourself up on keeping that memory close to you. I told you, that if he/she reached out to me, I would never put myself in a lose-situation, and I would clearly tell him/her that I would only even consider bringing him/her back into my life as a friend, if he/she accepted BPD treatment. If he/she never reaches out to me, then I won't have to live through the possibility of a second chance, and I won't have lost anything anyways. BPD treatment may sound harsh, but if he/she is reaching out, that means he/she needs something he/she thinks I can provide, but it won't be what he/she expects. That will be a better closure than what I have now, because I know he/she will never go into treatment. Make it your personal agenda to look out for yourself, and to re-build yourself into something better. Set up win-win situations in your mind, if she does reach out for a recycle. As they say in "Suits", never negotiate from a position of weakness.

Let us set up a theoretical scenario. Your ex reaches out for a recycle, you, being in the earlier infancy of detachment, would probably be very susceptible to this. If you have already set up the win-win situation (for yourself) in your mind, there's nothing she can say or do to take that away. Assert your boundaries, assert your boundaries, assert your boundaries. If you believe that NC is no longer the way to go for you, and the next step in your detachment process is to actually keep LC, then see it for what it is, the next step in your detachment. Never use NC as the way to detach, it's only a process that makes it so much easier. If she reaches out, you know now why she does it. Use that as your position of strength if you feel you're ready for it.

If it never happens, then keep working on yourself, whilst still building up your boundaries and self.