Where to start?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all, I'm not sure where to start really but I spose from the beginning.

My and my fiancee have been together for 3 1/2 years and it was so fantastic until about a year ago. We were all over each other and she had a tattoo with my name within 4 .on the of us going out with each other.

Last year her younger sister was diagnosed with cancer and went through chemo and things started to change for us she seemed a bit distant and not as involved with us as much and I put this down to stress and worries of her sister, in September her sister was given the all clear wich was fantastic news but things didn't really change for me and my fiancee and then in January her close nan had a huge stroke wich left her in hospital since and has recently passed away. I could understand that she was upset but she would often get angry over little things and I mean angry almost frothing at the mouth sorta angry and I defiantly knew this wasn't the woman I fell in love with. She has always suffer with a form of eating disorder and binge eating but still remains unhealthy thin and counts her calories to the extreme. I read up on these sort of sites and came to the conclusion she may be suffering with BPD.

I made the mistake of asking her to read up on this subject before fully reading up on it myself and she just dismissed it saying she was like she was becouse of her nan passing.

She went out for a drink a week later after her nan had passed with her friends and came back through the door crawling and then it all kicked off, she was crying uncontrollably and when I was soothing her she pushed me away and she started shouting at me again so I calmly kissed her on the forehead and told I was going to bed and that we would talk in the morning. She followed me upstairs and wouldn't let me be. After I ignored her and kept saying we'd talk in the morning she stormed off and left me alone for 10 mins.

She came back in and started dragging me off the bed and eventually pulled me half off the bed and fell backwards into a mirror cutting her arm badly resulting in a verbally abusive forced trip to the hospital for a few stitches. On the way back she had calmed down and was apologisin for her behaviour and again the next day through txt as I was in work saying things like "I bet u hate me and I bet ur going to leave me" along these lines. I told her we would need to talk about it when I got home, as we talked I said I would no longer stand there while she screamed at me anymore and she wondered upstairs only to come back down 5 mins later saying she doesn't think we work anymore and I was asked to leave ,so I did. 3 days later she wanted me back but I said we both needed time to think and that I would speak to her a few days later which is today! I love this girl with all my heart and really want to male another go at it but how do I stand up for myself without upsetting her or having to be carefull of every word I say or how I say it. I was a doormat before we broke up and I was doing everything she asked but she was still pushing me away. How can I resolve this and be there for her without being a pish over. Her nans funeral is in a few days now and I no this will trigger emotions again .

Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. Sorry for the long message but it feels nice talking about it. Please feel free to ask any questions.

Steve. X

[steevo84]

Hi all, I'm not sure where to start really but I spose from the beginning.

My and my fiancee have been together for 3 1/2 years and it was so fantastic until about a year ago. We were all over each other and she had a tattoo with my name within 4 .on the of us going out with each other.

Last year her younger sister was diagnosed with cancer and went through chemo and things started to change for us she seemed a bit distant and not as involved with us as much and I put this down to stress and worries of her sister, in September her sister was given the all clear wich was fantastic news but things didn't really change for me and my fiancee and then in January her close nan had a huge stroke wich left her in hospital since and has recently passed away. I could understand that she was upset but she would often get angry over little things and I mean angry almost frothing at the mouth sorta angry and I defiantly knew this wasn't the woman I fell in love with. She has always suffer with a form of eating disorder and binge eating but still remains unhealthy thin and counts her calories to the extreme. I read up on these sort of sites and came to the conclusion she may be suffering with BPD.

I made the mistake of asking her to read up on this subject before fully reading up on it myself and she just dismissed it saying she was like she was becouse of her nan passing.

She went out for a drink a week later after her nan had passed with her friends and came back through the door crawling and then it all kicked off, she was crying uncontrollably and when I was soothing her she pushed me away and she started shouting at me again so I calmly kissed her on the forehead and told I was going to bed and that we would talk in the morning. She followed me upstairs and wouldn't let me be. After I ignored her and kept saying we'd talk in the morning she stormed off and left me alone for 10 mins.

She came back in and started dragging me off the bed and eventually pulled me half off the bed and fell backwards into a mirror cutting her arm badly resulting in a verbally abusive forced trip to the hospital for a few stitches. On the way back she had calmed down and was apologisin for her behaviour and again the next day through txt as I was in work saying things like "I bet u hate me and I bet ur going to leave me" along these lines. I told her we would need to talk about it when I got home, as we talked I said I would no longer stand there while she screamed at me anymore and she wondered upstairs only to come back down 5 mins later saying she doesn't think we work anymore and I was asked to leave ,so I did. 3 days later she wanted me back but I said we both needed time to think and that I would speak to her a few days later which is today! I love this girl with all my heart and really want to male another go at it but how do I stand up for myself without upsetting her or having to be carefull of every word I say or how I say it. I was a doormat before we broke up and I was doing everything she asked but she was still pushing me away. How can I resolve this and be there for her without being a pish over. Her nans funeral is in a few days now and I no this will trigger emotions again .

Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. Sorry for the long message but it feels nice talking about it. Please feel free to ask any questions.

Steve. X

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

Hello and welcome here!

That sounds like quite the crazy ride for you (and for her, no doubt!)

I'd like to ask a few questions to clarify the situation:

It sounds like you were living with her. How long were the two of you living together?

How long ago did you move out? Did you leave belongings behind?

Do you have a stable place of your own now, or are you crashing on somebody's couch?

Are you and she still communicating? Text, phone, in person, email, or anything?


As for what to do--there is a middle path besides being a doormat when she's attacking you verbally (or physically!), letting it turn into a huge fight with her, and ending your relationship with her.

I'd start with the idea that when she's THAT upset, the best thing you can do is remove yourself for at least 15-20 minutes because almost anything you say will make it worse. And yes, she will probably tell you that going away will make things worse too. You don't have to believe that, or argue with it. This is one article that might help at a time like that.

How to take a time out

You aren't alone--we've been there. Keep posting your story.

[livednlearned]

Hi steevo84,

You must be wondering what the heck is going that she is dysregulating, pulling you off the bed and all kinds of new behavior from the sounds of it. Good that you asked her for space and are looking for some solutions.

Maybe for today's conversation, keep it light if you can? Like you say, she has her nan's funeral coming up. If she wants to talk about big things, maybe focus on validating questions for the time being while you steady yourself. It sounds like you could use some helpful communication skills. I've found the validating questions are super easy and pretty intuitive. They won't help us much during a full-blown dysregulation, so like GK mentioned, in that situation you'll want to take a time out.

For today, though, see how the questions work. It will help bring down her emotional arousal as much as possible if she's in any way winding up.