Seeing the world through filters

[takingandsending]

Hello. I was just wondering how many of you out there have begun seeing BPD behaviors outside of your RS? I was watching a film, "Term 12", last night (probably not a wise choice, but apparently wise choices are not my strongest suit), and while the director and actors all certainly wanted to tell this compelling if unconventional love story, I was experiencing a lot of grief, speaking to the lead male warning him to run for the hills from the really decent, troubled gf lead female. I go to NAMI meetings and it seems over half the stories sound so much like BPD. I see BPD behaviors within myself, within co-workers, siblings.

I remember once watching a documentary called "The Colors of Infinity" about fractal mathematics, and afterwards, it was impossible not to look and see examples of fractals and the Mandelbrot set everywhere. Lately, I feel that way about this illness. It has permeated so much of my waking life. Does anyone else have this experience?

Seeing BPD in a film is really ironic, because it is comprised of people acting, which is what living with pwBPD feels like. But the movie ending is uplifting, gives hope for resolution. The reality is that resolution has to look a whole lot different than what I ever thought it could look like, and it has to come from within. I've been stuck for 3 weeks on a Stop Walking on Eggshells workbook exercise. Imagine a life, a relationship with no BPD. What does it look like to you? This exercise hurts. A lot. I think this is where many of us are stuck. Hurting over the things that we want that we don't have and may never get with pwBPD in our lives. It wasn't supposed to be like this, and in the hanging on to what I don't have, I can't get over what I don't have, and it's that much harder to enjoy the moments that I do have. Such a vicious cycle. In honesty, it's the thoughts of growing old with someone you love who cares about you, too, that hurt the most. I can't imagine it, can't conceive of it, and the loss of it tears at all of the hurts inside of me the worst of all. I hate this exercise for showing me all of the wishes, all of the dreams laid waste by this illness. I don't hate my wife. I hate that she's sick, and that there's such a slim hope for all those dreams, those wishes being restored. I want to let them go, but I am still experiencing the grief for things I thought I had long ago given up on.

I know I am not alone, but I am feeling it tonight ... .alone, a little lost, grieving. Have to let it flow through me and see the sadness, the shame, resentment and anger. But mostly, the grief over never really making that connection that I longed for, that sense that we could look out for each other and be giving and receiving in turns, in love for one another. I sought after love in a childish way, and I married an adult child. I did that. No one else. And now, I see a whole lot of BPD everywhere I look. It's hard not to blame myself, to feel self betrayal. Think I had better sit for a while with this and let it settle. Not much clarity right now.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[flowerpath]

You said it better than I ever could.

[Learning_curve74]

Hi taking, first a big hug to you.  

I agree that after learning about BPD it's easy to see BPD traits all around, to have it fill up a large part of our vision. I even see how friends of mine who aren't dealing with BPD specifically could still benefit from the things I've learned here.

I do love my BPD gf. I know I am giving up certain things and certain dreams to be with her, and I'm scared... .Scared what I will feel about that one,  two, five, ten, twenty years from now. Like you, I see a very childish adult when I look at my gf. But I'm an adult and I'm making a choice every day to be with her. I always have my choice.

You say it wasn't supposed to be like this. It's natural to need to grieve lost dreams, lost hopes. Do that for yourself.

Do you also have things to be grateful for? This is not to downplay all the things we give up, but to reframe or perhaps see another facet of the lives we have chosen.

Hang in there.

[takingandsending]

learning_curve74 and flowerpath,

 Thanks for the kind words. I have two boys, S9 and S3, so I have very much to be grateful for. Life is not bleak, nor without drops of happiness. I see it as basically pretty splendorous when I look closely. It's just the dreams that haunt me, my own thoughts. I, too, am scared of the future. Kind of keeping me stuck in the high conflict RS mode. I know that things need to move, either forward/better or apart for either of us to survive with some happiness.

I am doing the grief work, trying to post my thoughts, my words in the hopes that they might help me (and also others) clarify thoughts around what it means to stay in this RS. I wrote out some words of what it feels like. My uBPDw has oft accused me of being utterly disconnected to my feelings, and as with most things she asserts, there's a mix of valid and invalid to what she says. I have been disconnected, but she doesn't really like it so much when I start to connect to what I feel. It scares her. Truthfully, it scares me, too.    I know, though if I don't sort through some of what I feel, I will keep contributing to the hurt, and I don't want to do that anymore. I'm just trying to learn if I can do the work that may help us, and will help me regardless. Daunting.

I'll share a poem I wrote this morning about what I'm feeling/seeing. Grief tends to outlet for me in writing. Thanks again for your connection.

Once I walked through the village green.

A bluebird trilled its song to me,

“So sweetly, sweetly will I love thee

So sweetly will I love thee.”

O, how blindly did my heart race

My thoughts suffused with happiness,

As rapt with joy I nodded, yes

Yes, yes, I nodded, yes.

And in that blissful, happy place,

We love birds wrapped in sweet embrace

Knew our love would outlast time and space

Would outlast time and space.

But when that first cold morning broke

Foretold the Fall the leaves bespoke

You were fled and gone afore I woke

Alas, afore I woke.

And in your place beside me lay

Within our nest of grass and hay

A child, weeping, lost in great dismay

Lost within her great dismay.

 

So I took the child unto my breast

And with sweet succor and tenderness

Whispered let me tend you in distress

Soothe you in severe distress.

And so with arms wrapped tight around thee

I gave my love so earnestly,

Did you begin then to peck at me

To drive and peck at me.

With trusting faith, stood I, in simple grace

As wheel and dive, you tore at my face

Screaming how greatly, greatly you despised me

Alas, how you despised me.

Many a season now have come and passed

Wasting within a love that could not last,

“So sweetly, sweetly will I love thee

So sweetly will I love thee.”