Were you always the one crawling back after an argument?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

In my 3 year relationship, the cycle went like this: happy/stable period- she started an argument over «nothing»- we split for a week, two, a month, six weeks,- after some time the loneliness, boredom and thoughts of the good times would grow, and make me contact her and «crawl back», she was never the one to say sorry, or apologize. Weve been apart for six weeks, and now the emptiness/loneliness is growing each day. Im soon on my knees again. Its so self-effacing but i cant help it…

[bolling]

In my 3 year relationship, the cycle went like this: happy/stable period- she started an argument over «nothing»- we split for a week, two, a month, six weeks,- after some time the loneliness, boredom and thoughts of the good times would grow, and make me contact her and «crawl back», she was never the one to say sorry, or apologize. Weve been apart for six weeks, and now the emptiness/loneliness is growing each day. Im soon on my knees again. Its so self-effacing but i cant help it…

[Mutt]

Hi boiling,

The stable windows in my r/s grew shorter as the years went on. It was likely due to splitting and I had become a trigger in the r/s as well.

There were 3 short breaks for about two or three weeks in 7 1/2 years. Each time I stayed with my sister. I recall the last time we were going to take a break for a couple of weeks and I extended it to three weeks because I felt like I was recharging before going back.

Usually she would ask me when I was going to come back. She was likely returning to her emotional baseline of happiness if she wasn't triggered.

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling.

What are some things that you can do when you feel lonely?

[Pook075]

In short term stuff, my wife would explode, then give me the silent treatment for a day or two, then apologize and want to make up.

In longer term stuff, my wife would explode, leave, and then stay gone until I asked her to come back.

The thing was, I never knew which version I was getting in the moment...whether she'd flee to her parents house or simply ignore me for a bit and apologize.  So I don't know if my experience is any actual help here.

[PhoenixKnight]

Mine was the total opposite. My partner would go through the cycle; idealise, devalue, break up with me, then return with classic h00ver attempts. Could be 3 days, could be 3 months. She always would throw it in my face during the times we were together that I never ‘fought’ for her. I think this contributed to her abandonment fears, as she would say ‘you don’t care if I’m here or not’. I see her point, but I’m not someone who can allow someone to use a break up to control me or seek validation. It’s really toxic. I think breaking up was a way to deal with her fears, always hoping I’d prove my love by chasing. If I felt I had done something wrong, I likely would have, but I put so much into making her feel loved, it felt like a slap in the face.

Actually, I did chase once. That was after she had begged me a few weeks earlier and I said no. Writing this down makes it all sound so childish. I had 13 years worth of relationships before my ex without a single break up/reconciliation cycle. What the hell has happened the last few years…

Are you considering reaching out to her again? Are you both looking at self improvement?

[DigitalSanity]

My experience is very similar, the fight would be over something incredibly silly and she would withdraw before breaking up. I would chase like crazy but nothing worked, until she blocked me. So I stopped chasing. Then, she chased. The last break took years for her to come back. I broke up this time.

[Augustine]

I wouldn’t go so far as to say crawl, but I’d proportion blame where blame was due, and be sincerely penitent if I strayed over the line.

She’d never accept responsibility for any of the over-the-top behaviours that came from her.

For any contretemps, she’d apologize, albeit reluctantly.

My experience was the exception, though, as I wasn’t at the forefront of her rage sessions. She’d direct most of her ire towards herself, and I’d be stuck in the sluice gates for any spillover…and those spillovers were formidable when they appeared.

[Cynthia85]

In this three-year relationship, a repetitive cycle has emerged: a phase of happiness and stability, followed by seemingly trivial arguments initiated by her, leading to temporary separations lasting from a week to several weeks. Despite the initial split, feelings of loneliness, boredom, and nostalgia eventually resurface, prompting the individual to reach out and reconcile, even though she never takes responsibility or apologizes for her actions. Now, after six weeks apart, the loneliness has intensified, and the individual feels compelled to reconcile once more, despite recognizing the self-effacing nature of their actions.

[EyesUp]

Many familiar themes here.  I'll add:

Over the course of my relationship with my uBPDxw, I initiated a breakup at least twice - and she came back.  She also initiated a breakup once - and again, she came back.

During the relationship, if there was a disagreement, I would get the silent treatment or sometimes a rage - typically followed by an inconclusive dialog in which little or no wrong-doing was acknowledged by her - followed by make-up sex, which I eventually came to understand was confirmation to her that all was forgiven.

The problem with this routine was resentment.  She felt that sex meant I forgave her, however she never forgave me for whatever it was that was bothering her.  The issues, whatever they were, remained unresolved.  The pattern of recovery did not include meaningful repair - for either of us.  Eventually her resentment became the dominant factor in many moods and situations.

Eventually, she felt entitled to having an affair because obviously I was the villain in her narrative...  She had no remorse, but felt bad for herself.

So, takeaway number one:  Are the cycles in any way positive or productive for your relationship, or joint understanding?  Or is something else behind the pattern?

It's been super interesting to begin to start dating again, and to observe that many people with strong boundaries would never consider reconnecting with an ex.  It's not a line in the sand, it's more like a line etched in marble - nothing uncertain or conditional about it.  Many people simply won't do it, don't even consider it.

Of course, many of us here don't have strong boundaries, but do have attachment issues, at least within our BPD relationships.  The good news is that we can do the work to better understand these dynamics and avoid repeating/reliving them.

I met someone last year that I initially found to be super attractive, and that doesn't happen very often for me. Super smart, very attractive, I think I actually felt a spark. Over a few dates, it became clear that she was chronically late - not an immediate deal breaker, but an indication that she was, perhaps, flaky? Inconsiderate? Or just busy? After we dated for a few weeks, I learned more about the end of her marriage - she had an affair, and was rather unapologetic about it. In fairness, her ex sounded problematic (but of course he did). In the past, I may have rationalized that the same scenario would not play out with me, and continued to get to know this exciting person who was simply very busy...  But this time, I trusted my gut and ended it.  She was shocked. "No one ever breaks things off with me, I always do it..." And with that comment, everything snapped into focus and I actually felt some assurance that the calibration of my people-picker is improving... I know that I've still got work to do...

Take away number 2:  What's holding any of us back from being more decisive?  Of course relationships are messy and certainty can be hard to find... but don't we owe it to ourselves and to the people who we are with to at least try to know our own feelings, our own mind, our own wants and needs?

It's ok to be true to yourself. If you're not comfortable, there's probably a reason for it. Figure it out! If an attachment to a BPD person has you stuck or feeling uncertain, things to keep mind: It's not a safe harbor. Familiarity alone or "glass half full" thinking is not a foundation for a secure attachment.

Good luck!

[ThanksForPlaying]

I met someone last year that I initially found to be super attractive, and that doesn't happen very often for me. Super smart, very attractive, I think I actually felt a spark. Over a few dates, it became clear that she was chronically late - not an immediate deal breaker, but an indication that she was, perhaps, flaky? Inconsiderate? Or just busy? After we dated for a few weeks, I learned more about the end of her marriage - she had an affair, and was rather unapologetic about it. In fairness, her ex sounded problematic (but of course he did). In the past, I may have rationalized that the same scenario would not play out with me, and continued to get to know this exciting person who was simply very busy...  But this time, I trusted my gut and ended it.  She was shocked. "No one ever breaks things off with me, I always do it..." And with that comment, everything snapped into focus and I actually felt some assurance that the calibration of my people-picker is improving... I know that I've still got work to do...

I'm going through this right now.  Very attractive, very busy, very flaky.  We started dating last year and had almost a fairytale first date.  We were both busy and didn't have time to see each other for several weeks.  Planned a weekend getaway as our second date.  She flaked and canceled two days before the trip.  I assumed that was the end of the relationship ... one and done.  We eventually planned a third date a couple weeks later, which she flaked on again.  So now we're 1 for 3 ... that's the end of it, right?

Out of nowhere, she started asking for more time together, and started showing up reliably for dates.  We even went on another weekend getaway that went smoothly.  We had 6 months of mostly normal, happy dating.

I've heard stories about two of her exes - one cut her off for "no reason" and she was shocked.  The other one she cut off for no reason, and she still talks about him in a strange way like "he was perfect but I just didn't feel a spark so I ended it".

I see these red flags and my people-picker is telling me there's no way this ends happily.  I'm currently still going along with it because 1) it's enjoyable and 2) I'm not in any hurry to find a perfect relationship right now.  And honestly, this one is nearly perfect at the moment - I can just see disaster on the horizon.  I'm trying to protect myself from the impending doom while still enjoying the present.  Not a great plan!

This is just me being nosy - but how did you cut it off?  In person?  Text?  I applaud that you were able to do that.  Not easy.

[EyesUp]

This is just me being nosy - but how did you cut it off?  In person?  Text?  I applaud that you were able to do that.  Not easy.

Hope to avoid highjacking this thread, so I'll keep it short - if you'd like to discuss further, let's do it in a new thread. 

The short answer is: She texted that she was running late for long-standing plans on a Saturday, and then a bit later pseudo-cancelled by saying that she would be even later, but would still meet super late if I wanted to. I said let's reboot on Sunday. Sunday came and she texted to say she'd need an extra :30 mins. It was clear that this would never end.

Since we were already texting, I replied along the lines of "Sorry for the about face, but I don't think we're a match. I wish you the best."  -  she followed up to ask if it was only about her flakiness or something else, and I let her know that I don't judge, we're all busy with kids and work, and I don't take it personally - but that I am someone who generally keeps dates and so, yes, sooner or later one of us is likely going to feel a pinch...  sorry we didn't connect.

Interesting that you asked because this was the first and only time I've done something like this via text...

[Kashi]

We never split but I would really dislike her moody, avoidance. 

I would ask what was wrong, get no answer then I would just go do my think.

As soon as I did that, she would be back wanting to smooch me.

I hated it when I let her way. 

I felt like such a push over.   I would resistant and she would not give up.

That was a regular thing at one point.

We hardly argued.  I found that strange.