Do pwBPD know when we are onto them?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have been reading the posts of "2010" and have gained so much helpful information.  I still have over 500 posts to read and cant wait.  (It appears you nee at least 10 posts to be able to access these posts).

I have recently sent my exbfunBPD an email saying that I can see what and who he is all about now and never what any contact with him again... .not even when he parts from his current object  .even if he had terminal cancer.

Do you think people with BPD know when the game is up and move onto easier targets? or do they just keep popping up now and then to test the waters?

[biglearningcurve]

I have been reading the posts of "2010" and have gained so much helpful information.  I still have over 500 posts to read and cant wait.  (It appears you nee at least 10 posts to be able to access these posts).

I have recently sent my exbfunBPD an email saying that I can see what and who he is all about now and never what any contact with him again... .not even when he parts from his current object  .even if he had terminal cancer.

Do you think people with BPD know when the game is up and move onto easier targets? or do they just keep popping up now and then to test the waters?

[Aussie JJ]

biglearningcurve,

Something that I will highlight, people with BPD are so soo much more sensitive than us.  Although we get hurt and frustrated by there behaviours, when they are 'acting out' they are hurting like we cant believe. 

Please be mindful of this pain that they are in.  It is healthy to be angry, frustrated and even furious ourselves to deal with what has transpired.  I don't think it is healthy to cause any other person pain, especially when we have control over ourselves.  Remember that pwBPD don't have that control, understanding that your ex has just got this e-mail now it will trigger them and all those bad behaviours to counter that pain will ensue. 

Be the person you want to be every day, hold yourself to a higher standard.  Was sending that e-mail being the person you want to be ?

If your ex with BPD was able to do this I am 100 % positive that they would.  It is not a pleasant existence and the knowledge we gain here shouldn't be used to ABUSE another person. 

I am sorry if this is a bit harsh, I feel it is the truth.  It isn't healthy to hurt others in our lives, no matter whom they are or what they have done to us. 


AJJ.

[Lolster]

I've ecently been through a very brief recycle with an ex uBPD from 6 years ago. The initial relationship was only brief and he hassled me for ages. This time he appeared, from a distance, to have improved through therapy, so i agreed we could be friends. It soon became evident he hadn't changed at all, and was probably worse. This time around I did mention key words and phrases, like his idealisation devaluation, emotional intensity, and those 3 little words- Borderline Personality Disorder.

So far so good, he's left me in peace for nearly 3 weeks! Although this time I ignored his response where he told me I am a bully and never to contact him again. He clearly missed the part where i'd already told him I wouldn't be engaging in his games any longer and therefore wouldn't respond to him any further. If it helps him to think he ended it then so be it, as long as he stays away from me who cares?

I've seen recommendations for 2010's posts but i don't know where to search for them, so i can't comment on that.

[biglearningcurve]

Aussie JJ... I am surprised that you think I am abusing the pwBPD.  I am just trying to create a clear boundary so that he will not contact me again.

I did not say anything about what I have learnt here other than to say that I can see what and who he is now, which is that he is trying to stop his own pain by treating me like an emotional bandage.

I needed to ensure that I was not available to recycle with him at the expense of my own sanity and sobriety.

I do not wish him harm and went on to wish him happiness.  Just not with me.

I think that I have sugar coated it in the past and this left the door open.  Now it is firmly closed.

[Lolster]

I would add that although I pointed out some of his behaviours that I am unable to tolerate it wasn't just with an intention to wound him (though I am under no illusion he will see it as anything other than that).  He's seemingly had all sorts of therapy for so many issues over the last 6 years but none of it has left him with any helpful communication skills.  Should he end up in therapy in the future he may or may not choose to bring up how I viewed his behaviour, and who knows, it may be a starting point in the future for him to get the right support.  :)oubtful though, although he is aware that he feels empty/lonely and cannot tolerate being alone he blames other physical factors.  I came to realise that his view of past therapy was that it was only useful for getting him out the house and taking away a tiny proportion of the agony of being alone, he told me that NONE of it was useful (once he considered himself back in my life, prior to that he apologised and told me he'd had all this helpful therapy).  And he's been offered more therapy for his sleep problems, he has decided it wont be helpful before his first appointment, so it probably won't be.  He clearly has issues engaging in therapy.

I do have some empathy for him, to feel so empty and be so wounded by tiny things I said or did (or rather he perceived I said/did), and having no concept of how odd that makes him to react with such rage must be horrendous. And I got nowhere trying to explain why I ended the relationship the first time around, trying to explain that his intensity was inappropriate and that real love doesn't happen within a few dates fell on deaf ears. His response was that it was real to him, and it's true that it was real to him, as were the perceived bad parts, but unless and until he mentions those issues to a therapist who knows pd's then he can have the wrong kind of therapy for years to come and never improve.  I am also aware that it is NOT something I can help him with as I am a trigger for him, so I have no desire to help him in to therapy, and be there for him either.  

But does he know I am 'onto him?' Possibly, if he has bothered to look up any BPD criteria, but why would he if he doesn't recognise there is an issue with him, other than feeling lonely?  Would he even recognise himself in the criteria?  His immediate response was to project it back to me. So it's more likely he has just painted me black.  If he's not onto himself, i.e. aware he has a disorder, then how can he consider that I am onto him?

[Aussie JJ]

I have recently sent my exbfunBPD an email saying that I can see what and who he is all about now and never what any contact with him again... .not even when he parts from his current object  .even if he had terminal cancer.

I'm sorry, I'll elaborate and run through my basic understanding of object relations on the level that it relates to BPD.  Remember emotional maturity of a 3 year old.  Ill also delve a bit into the way they cope using a bit of a mix of OR and sandpit psychology.  

Object relations and BPD as a disorder dictates that your ex with BPD mirrors those whom they seek to have an attachment to, object relations also apply to us as partners.  pwBPD take your projections and show you mirror, what you want to see.  Now from your perspective using object relations your ex was a shinny toy, a picture of perfection.  The wheels on the toy matched your wheels, remember your ex is looking at a toy and making a mirror image.  Same paint job, same little emblems and the turning circle of this toy, WOW the same.  You fell in love with yourself, two identical toys.  

Now that your ex has a new toy that they are mirroring, they have changed wheels, running 19" chrome's, a new paint job and that toy has had the suspension dumped as well.  To the new attachment, that toy is perfect, a mirror image and you are seeing a toy that has now changed hands, another kid is playing with it over in the sandbox and its causing you a great deal of pain.  You have lost your perfect toy.  Your stuck in the corner of the sandbox with nothing.  

Your ex, this is there coping mechanism, they are shape shifters by nature, changing paint jobs, rims and everything else to be accepted.  To your ex this is the only way to survive as without doing this, there is no toy.  THEY are nothing and you cant play with anyone when your nothing.  No sense of self.  

They live in this moment being that mirror to the attachment that soothes them and cares for them.  The acting out I will get to shortly.  Essentially they don't feel, they don't be one with anything else other than that object.  Living in this very moment like this, they view all events from this perspective, that means they look at you and they don't see a person or a toy that they once enjoyed playing with but a broken object that is not what their current mirror is, because it is not what is safe, it is a threat, that other toy (you) has done things that in their current state wouldn't fit their mirror therefore that toy is a threat.  Let the emotions fly, keep the threat away!  You are now a bad toy.  

How does this dynamic occur or develop on a pwBPD, or cluster B in general... . I'll touch on NPD and BPD that I have been reading a lot on.  

Between the ages of 2-8 approximately (differs child to child), children have what's refereed to as primary narcissism.  This is where children have significant physical and emotional needs that they are dependant on their primary caregiver to meet.  As they grow older children focus there energy onto the world around them and grow out of this 'primary narcissism' where they don't feel the compulsion to mirror there primary care giver to have those emotional and physical needs met.  This is part of the psychological growth process.  They become aware, accepting of what is around them in the world, many different objects that they can interact with.  Thgis develops empathy in a person, the ability to put oneself in another's shoes and relate to their circumstances.  

During this developmental stage of growing out or their primary narcissism children often 'regress' when in stressful situations, a toddler cry's a lot more than a 6 year old.  When a 6 year old is hurt or under stress they regress to their primary narcissism, cry act out to seek attention, mirror the object to be soothed.  The primary care giver is attentive and encourages this behaviour, constantly jumping up and running over and always soothing the child, they learn that it is acceptable, it is a valid coping mechanism to survive in the world.  This child wont grow beyond this primary narcissism, it will develop and become a part of them into adulthood.  This leads to someone with NPD.  Over cared for, over indulged, they believe they are everything and if they don't get their way, a tantrum erupts.  Empathy never develops, it is only them that is ever correct, others don't matter, they are always right, when they say something, mummy always says its ok.  

During this same developmental stage of growing out of the primary narcissism for a pwBPD they don't get that soothing, they tend to be neglected.  They learn that it isn't acceptable to feel, act out, express emotions, when they do they get nothing in return.  They shut-down as their is no reward form their primary care giver to be open with what they are feeling they get ignored.  There emotions are never developed (validated) as they are always suppressed.  The primary care giver to this child is often distant, inattentive and pre-occupied with something else, the child learns that they are not important, they have to constantly be on guard and mirror to survive and not express there pain.  Not develop, not grow psychologically.  Just stay in a stagnant state to survive.  They don't relate to anything other than what that primary caregiver, often mummy is doing at that very point in time, no outside objects, no ability to empathise.  

As they grow, the emotions that they are suppressing are growing as well, often by the time children are 12 (particularly pwBPD) some  of the coping mechanisms are present, some of the acting out is present.  Why, they are in the outside world, school, they cant cope, to many things to mirror, to many variations, it all keeps changing so fast, they can't keep up, to many mirrors to maintain.  Something has to give and it cant be the other people, those other people don't care for them, they don't sooth them they have to do this themselves.  

So the pwBPD learns to give, learns to sooth, cuts to release endorphins, gets a instant rush to sooth the constant mirroring that they have to do to keep up with all the different objects around them.  At home there was only one object they had to be careful around only one object they had to be ignored by and mirror to maintain the peace.  

To get away from all of these objects, this child, even though they may be 15, 18 or even 30 now only wants ONE primary object, one primary caregiver.  They are sexually active as often this leads to the object latching on, instant loyalty, instant attachment from the object that opens up and is easier for them to mirror to stay safe.  This isn't an emotive process for them but a coping skill to get a figure to mirror to be loyal.  

People with BPD and NPD are in a constant state of regression where they haven't developed psychologically.  They have different ways of acting out, expressing their needs and having them met.  

To someone with NPD, to invalidate them is to cause their emotions that were always validated to be stung, it is like whipping a kid.  The pain is instant and their reaction instant emotional raise of the cards, the louder they scream that they are correct the more likely it will be heard.  THEY ARE RIGHT MUMMY ALWAYS SOOTHED THEIR WANTS AND NEEDS.  As someone with NPD how they feel and they wont be able to stop talking.  

To  someone with BPD, to invalidate them is to cause them to suppress emotions even further, to have these emotions build up more and more.  They can't express them because NO-ONE CARES, they have to give way and not be open for you to love them, for themselves to feel safe.  This child when given a beating wasnt soother and had to suppress those feelings.  They have to be a mirror to be safe, no feelings, nothing other than that one safe object.  Ask someone with BPD how they feel about something and they will clam up, wont be able to speak, they are not allowed to have emotions, they are suppressed.  You will get a cryptic answer to test out how you feel about it s that they can mirror you.  

Remember now the pwBPD has a new safe mirror.  your very presence is a threat to that reality.  Your existence in any way shape or form in their life overwhelms them, you are not their object, how can they mirror two objects at once, they will fail.  WHAT TO DO, IT HURT TO MUCH, I CANT SUPPRESS IT ALL.  then the rage, the acting out, the defamation and slander comes full force.  All those bad emotions they cant contain are projected onto you as your causing that pain to come up to the surface and they cant have it as that ins't their reality at that point in time, that isn't their object that they are mirroring.  That toy is a threat!

You have just sent an e-mail off saying, "Hi I still exist, I'm still a threat, your current existence is all a lie."  

NC or LC enables you to stay away from the projections, allows the pwBPD to sooth their emotions, detach from all of that pain of loosing that object to mirror is causing.  Their is a reason people say let it play out ignore it.  Because their is nothing you can do to stop it.  It will escalate their pain and their projections, you will hear more about what is being said, get more angry get more worked up, WHY ME WHY ME, WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS TO ME, MY MIRROR THAT WAS SO PERFECT IS SAYING IT WAS ALL FALSE?

Would you walk up to a 3 year old playing in the sandpit and steal the shiny toy that they were playing with.  If you did what would cause that three year old more pain, you sitting in the opposite corner playing away with that toy so they constantly have a reminder.  The three year old is going to go get a new toy and start playing, they will be happy after the no longer remember that toy as they have a new toy.  By instigating contact you are escalating there tantrum, reminding them of the toy that they lost, with all of those bad emotions as there toy has been stolen, that toy is still in view and it is interfering with their relationship with the new toy because it is bringing back bad memories.  

Remember, your very existence is a threat to a pwBPD.  They might come back to try and play with the old toy from time to time but their are always negative connotations.  They cant suppress these so easily because they are so many that built up where they had to give you something that they didn't want to to maintain the mirror to maintain that safety.  

Understanding this, hopefully having grown up in a validating balanced family where you have grown beyond these primal coping mechanisms and your able to express empathy for multiple objects and see their perspective, place yourself in their shoes and go, wow, that must be hard.  

Are you able to see that the pwBPD who you have just contacted is feeling abused, threatened, their very reality, existence is on the line here.  

Would you walk up to a three year old and tell them their new toy is a POS in the sandbox ?  Stand there and gloat about it.  

Read the two styles of acting out for someone with BPD and NPD, someone with BPD is so overwhelmed by all of those bad emotions, all of that previous 'abuse' where they gave you something to maintain the mirror that no longer fits there current reality.  

Dude, understanding this, being psychologically developed, having empathy.  Why would you do that to someone, cause all of that pain.  Tell me how it isn't abuse to the pwBPD?  

I haven't spell checked this or proofed it so I hope it flows well but this 3 year old is going to bed!

[Aussie JJ]

Ill post on boundary's tomorrow but they are for you not for the pwBPD.  You can tell them politely, enforce them with EMPATHY when they are tested.  

You don't have to tell them your boundaries they are for you to uphold, they will be tested and you will hold them up and the pwBPD will learn that they cant cross that line, the little child will realise that toy is gone forever, they wont come back to play in your sandbox so to speak.  

[biglearningcurve]

AussieJJ

Thank you for your informative post.  I am trying not to take it personally that you believe (?) that my email to the expwBPD was abuse.

In my defence this was not an out of the blue, trying to separate the pwBPD from his new toy, email.

We had recycled and the day he left my house I found his other toys face book page and on it was their wedding photo.  He had married her when we were still in relationship although not intimate.  He was trying to get back with me before and he married the new toy.

Try as I might to have empathy for him I sent the email to try and cauterise my own pain and let him know I understood how he operates now.

I see from your post that it probable not the best action to take, but then I am not at my best at the moment either.

I will talk to my T today when I see her.

This interaction ( I will no longer call it a relationship), has caused me great distress but I have learnt a lot from the whole nasty experience.

To quote "2010"

"In the beginning it felt almost holy, like I had finally come alive and found someone shared the earth who understood me.  But then I realised that this was only mirroring, and a ritualised, systemic, fraudulent manipulation"

I now agree that I could have done better than by sending that email.  I cannot bear to think of myself as an abuser.

I like to think I am a good person, which is probable the biggest trait required by pwBPD to get the attachment fix that they require.

[Aussie JJ]

biglearningcurve,

I have done so many things that I now know have hurt my exBPDgf.  Not out of a will to hurt her or to cause pain, most of them things out of compassion, a will to improve relations and relate properly again.  What we have to see is that they are different, their thought patters are twisted.  It has taken me so long to come to this conclusion. 

I am just as guilty of being abusive in her eyes as I have indicated you are.  It isn't a normal situation to be in.  To me was I being abusive at the time, hell no, in hindsight, hell yes!

By living and breathing, by going to pick up my son, to my ex BPD gf I am abusing her, I am questioning her reality. 

To you or I, to be selected by a pwBPD often have certain traits ourselves.  Often the people here will be so empathetic, sometimes you or I cant pick that because we are busy hurting as well.  We have empathy for ourselves and our situations, we express that pain with anger, frustration and in so many other ways.  This forum is a place where I can express that pain and have others understand. 

Being involved with a pwBPD is to use one of AJM's lines.  Like a empathy/emotional bank.  They take emotions and use them and use them some more as a currency. 

There feelings are first and foremost the important feelings involved.  An analogy goes a bit like you or I, if we earn't $2000 a month we would budget with $800 for the mortgage, $300 for the car repayments, $500 for food, $200 for transport and $200 for bills.  We survive off our salary, we break even.  A pwBPD earns $2000 a month and they get a house with $1500 repayments, a car that costs $400 a month and a total of $900 of other expenses and when they are $800 out of pocket at the end of the month they are standing there going, What the heck, why am I short, Why cant someone make the difference up for me.  Then comes their partner, their partner has to make up this difference. 

After a while constantly making up the extra $800 a month the partner is running on nothing, we have empathy so we habd over that emotional currency constantly.  We are out of currency trying to support the pwBPD, we have nothing left. 

Change cash for emotional energy, pwBPD have so many more emotional needs due to there under developed personality, they are grown children.  You and I have been making up that emotional energy for them for XYZ amount of time, we have made the difference to them so that they can survive.  At present your emotional reserves are depleted and you have to work through to get them back up, pay the debt back to the bank so that your balance is even again.  A balanced sheet is what your after again so that you can go on a live a normal life again. 

Something I do to 'detach' is I always refer to my exBPD as 'sons mother'.  This is objectification, this is being very very unemotional about it.  When I have my son there, it's Hello Mummy, how are you going, what is mummy going to make for dinner.  I then use my emotional energy to ensure it is normal for my son.  my exBPDgf calls me by my first name, never refers to me as daddy in-front of our son, she is unable to have that empathy for our son or me, to acknowledge my role in his life. 

Am I angry about this?  I am FURIOUS, pointing it out will hurt her more, her behaviour will change with time towards me.  I am conditioning a 3 year old child to behave properly again. 

I just want to say, NC or LC is a tool that YOU have to process all of this.  objectifying the interaction using 'toys' instead of names allows us to step back and not be emotional about it.  IT is a rather, weird process, unlike any other relationship you will ever have. 

Now your last line, "I like to think I am a good person".  I want to try and correct what I'm hearing here.

I think your doubting yourself, questioning if you are a good person, it is perfectly natural to do this, go through this process and question your motives.  By doing this, you are educating yourself, growing as a person and becoming 'whole' again.  As I said above you have to get your emotional bank back to a balanced sheet. 

This process is hard and every so often the pwBPD will come back in  (read = try to recycle) and your credit card will take a hit.  We stay at it keep working and get back to a balanced sheet.  Eventually with the knowledge from here when the pwBPD comes back our bank doesn't take a hit, we are detached and uninvolved. 

I am not their yet, I am still a bloody long way off.  I am working through the same process as you.  It is a horrible journey but just like you will, I'll get there.  I'll be stronger at the end of it and I will never let anyone run up that debt on my credit card ever again. 

If you haven't seen your T yet, when you do, bugger the pwBPD, talk about yourself, talk about how good a person you are.  This is the ONE thing that helped me move on, starting to love myself and invest in myself again.  Keep learning about BPD, make sure you keep working on yourself though.  You are a good person, you ar eworthy of investing time in yourself and you have to tell yourself this.  This is the hardest thing assbeing in a relationship/interaction with a pwBPD for so long you havent been able to do this. 


AJJ. 

[biglearningcurve]

AJJ.  Thank you

[Harri]

I don't have anything to add to the thread other than to say that this quote (see below) made me smile.  I think it is beautiful and so very giving of you as a parent.  As an  "adult child of" I can say that is truly wonderful to hear.  good job AJJ

AJJ said: 

Something I do to 'detach' is I always refer to my exBPD as 'sons mother'.  This is objectification, this is being very very unemotional about it.  When I have my son there, it's Hello Mummy, how are you going, what is mummy going to make for dinner.  I then use my emotional energy to ensure it is normal for my son.  my exBPDgf calls me by my first name, never refers to me as daddy in-front of our son, she is unable to have that empathy for our son or me, to acknowledge my role in his life. 

BLC, I wish you the very best.

[Panda39]

I have recently sent my exbfunBPD an email saying that I can see what and who he is all about now and never what any contact with him again... .not even when he parts from his current object  .even if he had terminal cancer.

Your uBPDexbf has hurt you and you are allowed to end it and you did so, loud and clear.  You are also allowed to be angry with him and you are allowed to express your feelings. But you're done with him so now your energy should be focused on you. Healing and moving on from this relationship.

But to answer your question does a pwBPD know when we are on to them?  My SO flat out confronted his uBPDex and told her that he believed that she had BPD and he was on to her.  All you could hear was crickets chirping... .no comment from her and no suprise (which makes me suspect she has been diagnosed in her past). She just moved right on like nothing was said.  So I guess the real question is... .does it make any difference if they know we are on to them?  In my SO's case the answer no.

[blissful_camper]

biglearningcurve,

I have done so many things that I now know have hurt my exBPDgf.  Not out of a will to hurt her or to cause pain, most of them things out of compassion, a will to improve relations and relate properly again.  What we have to see is that they are different, their thought patters are twisted.  It has taken me so long to come to this conclusion. 

I am just as guilty of being abusive in her eyes as I have indicated you are.  It isn't a normal situation to be in.  To me was I being abusive at the time, hell no, in hindsight, hell yes!

By living and breathing, by going to pick up my son, to my ex BPD gf I am abusing her, I am questioning her reality. 

To you or I, to be selected by a pwBPD often have certain traits ourselves.  Often the people here will be so empathetic, sometimes you or I cant pick that because we are busy hurting as well.  We have empathy for ourselves and our situations, we express that pain with anger, frustration and in so many other ways.  This forum is a place where I can express that pain and have others understand. 

Being involved with a pwBPD is to use one of AJM's lines.  Like a empathy/emotional bank.  They take emotions and use them and use them some more as a currency. 

There feelings are first and foremost the important feelings involved.  An analogy goes a bit like you or I, if we earn't $2000 a month we would budget with $800 for the mortgage, $300 for the car repayments, $500 for food, $200 for transport and $200 for bills.  We survive off our salary, we break even.  A pwBPD earns $2000 a month and they get a house with $1500 repayments, a car that costs $400 a month and a total of $900 of other expenses and when they are $800 out of pocket at the end of the month they are standing there going, What the heck, why am I short, Why cant someone make the difference up for me.  Then comes their partner, their partner has to make up this difference. 

After a while constantly making up the extra $800 a month the partner is running on nothing, we have empathy so we habd over that emotional currency constantly.  We are out of currency trying to support the pwBPD, we have nothing left. 

Change cash for emotional energy, pwBPD have so many more emotional needs due to there under developed personality, they are grown children.  You and I have been making up that emotional energy for them for XYZ amount of time, we have made the difference to them so that they can survive.  At present your emotional reserves are depleted and you have to work through to get them back up, pay the debt back to the bank so that your balance is even again.  A balanced sheet is what your after again so that you can go on a live a normal life again. 

Something I do to 'detach' is I always refer to my exBPD as 'sons mother'.  This is objectification, this is being very very unemotional about it.  When I have my son there, it's Hello Mummy, how are you going, what is mummy going to make for dinner.  I then use my emotional energy to ensure it is normal for my son.  my exBPDgf calls me by my first name, never refers to me as daddy in-front of our son, she is unable to have that empathy for our son or me, to acknowledge my role in his life. 

Am I angry about this?  I am FURIOUS, pointing it out will hurt her more, her behaviour will change with time towards me.  I am conditioning a 3 year old child to behave properly again. 

I just want to say, NC or LC is a tool that YOU have to process all of this.  objectifying the interaction using 'toys' instead of names allows us to step back and not be emotional about it.  IT is a rather, weird process, unlike any other relationship you will ever have. 

Now your last line, "I like to think I am a good person".  I want to try and correct what I'm hearing here.

I think your doubting yourself, questioning if you are a good person, it is perfectly natural to do this, go through this process and question your motives.  By doing this, you are educating yourself, growing as a person and becoming 'whole' again.  As I said above you have to get your emotional bank back to a balanced sheet. 

This process is hard and every so often the pwBPD will come back in  (read = try to recycle) and your credit card will take a hit.  We stay at it keep working and get back to a balanced sheet.  Eventually with the knowledge from here when the pwBPD comes back our bank doesn't take a hit, we are detached and uninvolved. 

I am not their yet, I am still a bloody long way off.  I am working through the same process as you.  It is a horrible journey but just like you will, I'll get there.  I'll be stronger at the end of it and I will never let anyone run up that debt on my credit card ever again. 

If you haven't seen your T yet, when you do, bugger the pwBPD, talk about yourself, talk about how good a person you are.  This is the ONE thing that helped me move on, starting to love myself and invest in myself again.  Keep learning about BPD, make sure you keep working on yourself though.  You are a good person, you ar eworthy of investing time in yourself and you have to tell yourself this.  This is the hardest thing assbeing in a relationship/interaction with a pwBPD for so long you havent been able to do this. 


AJJ. 

Thanks for sharing, AJJ. 

"Read the two styles of acting out for someone with BPD and NPD, someone with BPD is so overwhelmed by all of those bad emotions, all of that previous 'abuse' where they gave you something to maintain the mirror that no longer fits there current reality."

As much as I've read about NPD and BPD, and the ways in which they act out, I'm still not really clear on the two styles of acting out and how they differ.  I know that there's sometimes some overlap. Can you provide more insight on this? (Examples for NPD, and BPD)

[Aussie JJ]

Blissful,

I am starting to understand A LOT more however I am not going to pretend to have all the answers. 

On a basic level, very rudimentary. 

Cluster B's "dramatic/emotive" PD's

NPD - Outward acting, they are superior, always open up as they are always correct!

BPD - Inward acting, they are inferior, suppress emotions until they cant anymore. 

HPD - DRAMATIC, everything is WOW factor

ASPD - Nothing, no emotion, no feelings. 

NPD, essentially all of there emotions like a BPD are true, pwBPD turn on themselves and hold back that shame as they were ignored as children, to stay safe they couldn't feel.  NPD due to their childhood are used to people agreeing, pandering to their needs, hence they EXPLODE when you don't agree, this is the narcissistic wound.  NPD's have to be correct, there is no reasoning, no other way, its all black and white. 

On many levels it all comes down to empathy.  The ability to understand how someone else will feel.  It is non-existent with these PD's.  They never developed as growing up to 'feel' the outside world. 

I have to put a clause on all of this here, I am still learning this stuff. 

A lot of it for me is from a personal perspective, my interpretation in my life of how this has worked based on the theory I have gone through, for me my mother is a closet narcissist with a streak of BPD, this is where I learnt to be controlled, to shut-down emotionally and accept or comply with others demands.  My ex is BPD and then some with a streak of NPD. 

Predominantly they have a certain type of disordered thinking however it is a spectrum, they can go back and forth a bit either way to suit their 'feelings' at that point in time.  Either way shame based, they were not good enough for their parents (BPD) or (NPD) were to good in their parents eyes and now that shame is when being told (NPD) that they are not good enough by an external object, they cant handle this and act out. 

I know this is basic, with my mum, I have tried using SET (I am practising it for every bit of communication so that it becomes natural).  Using SET with a narcissist will make them go off, you have listened to them, empathised with their position (boosted their ego, told them they are correct) and then you are correcting this reality, shattering it on them.  EGO goes POOF and the tantrum erupts. 

Instant narcissistic wound.  Instant acting out. 

Does that sort of make sense ? 

It is interesting as I have a bit of narcissism in the way I act that is learnt from my mum, not full blown but when someone questions me, I shut-down (BPD like) and then act out (NPD like defending myself).  I class it as more passive aggressive.  I know when I'm not wrong I can understand others positions however I tend to shut-down myself.  I am exactly the same as my dad here.  I am a product of my parents!  Something worth exploring yourselves... . 


AJJ. 

[blissful_camper]

Blissful,

I am starting to understand A LOT more however I am not going to pretend to have all the answers.  

On a basic level, very rudimentary.  

Cluster B's "dramatic/emotive" PD's

NPD - Outward acting, they are superior, always open up as they are always correct!

BPD - Inward acting, they are inferior, suppress emotions until they cant anymore.  

HPD - DRAMATIC, everything is WOW factor

ASPD - Nothing, no emotion, no feelings.  

NPD, essentially all of there emotions like a BPD are true, pwBPD turn on themselves and hold back that shame as they were ignored as children, to stay safe they couldn't feel.  NPD due to their childhood are used to people agreeing, pandering to their needs, hence they EXPLODE when you don't agree, this is the narcissistic wound.  NPD's have to be correct, there is no reasoning, no other way, its all black and white.  

On many levels it all comes down to empathy.  The ability to understand how someone else will feel.  It is non-existent with these PD's.  They never developed as growing up to 'feel' the outside world.  

I have to put a clause on all of this here, I am still learning this stuff.  

A lot of it for me is from a personal perspective, my interpretation in my life of how this has worked based on the theory I have gone through, for me my mother is a closet narcissist with a streak of BPD, this is where I learnt to be controlled, to shut-down emotionally and accept or comply with others demands.  My ex is BPD and then some with a streak of NPD.  

Predominantly they have a certain type of disordered thinking however it is a spectrum, they can go back and forth a bit either way to suit their 'feelings' at that point in time.  Either way shame based, they were not good enough for their parents (BPD) or (NPD) were to good in their parents eyes and now that shame is when being told (NPD) that they are not good enough by an external object, they cant handle this and act out.  

I know this is basic, with my mum, I have tried using SET (I am practising it for every bit of communication so that it becomes natural).  Using SET with a narcissist will make them go off, you have listened to them, empathised with their position (boosted their ego, told them they are correct) and then you are correcting this reality, shattering it on them.  EGO goes POOF and the tantrum erupts.  

Instant narcissistic wound.  Instant acting out.  

Does that sort of make sense ?  

It is interesting as I have a bit of narcissism in the way I act that is learnt from my mum, not full blown but when someone questions me, I shut-down (BPD like) and then act out (NPD like defending myself).  I class it as more passive aggressive.  I know when I'm not wrong I can understand others positions however I tend to shut-down myself.  I am exactly the same as my dad here.  I am a product of my parents!  Something worth exploring yourselves... . 


AJJ.  

Yes, you've expressed it really well, and it makes sense.  Thank you for your detailed response, and examples.

If I understand this correctly, then, SET tools will calm/validate/soothe a pwBPD.  In contrast, SET will have the opposite effect on a pwNPD.  

BPD's are hesitant and not eager to talk things through (they recede).  NPD's aren't hesitant, and go in the other direction, reactive acting out.  ?

When feeling overwhelmed-stressed, my ex would shut down emotionally, pulling his energy inward. He wouldn't speak.  He ran away.  Radio silence. Silent treatment. The shutdowns sometimes lasted for days.

If I reached out to him, during his shutdown, he ignored my calls, or answered simply to hang up the phone.  When he finally wanted to talk, he was angry, I listened, and I validated him where I could until he calmed down. He expressed that during those shutdowns, he felt nothing for others -- he didn't care about anyone else or their well being.  Is that classic BPD, NPD, ASPD, or a mixture of all?  

Sometimes I tried to prevent a shutdown. It was quite often impossible. When I saw it coming, I'd gently encourage him to talk about his feelings.  His reaction to that was instant acting out.  Yelling, emotionally abusive, projection, blaming, stomping around, and so forth.  So is that acting out (raging) more of an NPD trait?    

He was drawn to drama (there was rarely calm) when he was in excited-mode.  That was his form of 'good' mood.  Town-drama, work-drama, gossip, other-people-drama, those things seemed to recharge him.  He sought out drama as if seeking relief from boredom.  He had a low threshold for 'calm' if that makes sense.  That seems like an HPD trait (the wow factor), but also ASPD (low threshold for 'boredom'.  

It seems as though he had overlapping traits of at least a few PD's in the dramatic cluster.

Thanks so much again for your thorough explanation, AJJ.  I look forward to hearing any feedback that you may have. -- Blissful  

[Arminius]

biglearningcurve,

Something that I will highlight, people with BPD are so soo much more sensitive than us.  Although we get hurt and frustrated by there behaviours, when they are 'acting out' they are hurting like we cant believe. 

Please be mindful of this pain that they are in.  It is healthy to be angry, frustrated and even furious ourselves to deal with what has transpired.  I don't think it is healthy to cause any other person pain, especially when we have control over ourselves.  Remember that pwBPD don't have that control, understanding that your ex has just got this e-mail now it will trigger them and all those bad behaviours to counter that pain will ensue. 

Be the person you want to be every day, hold yourself to a higher standard.  Was sending that e-mail being the person you want to be ?

If your ex with BPD was able to do this I am 100 % positive that they would.  It is not a pleasant existence and the knowledge we gain here shouldn't be used to ABUSE another person. 

I am sorry if this is a bit harsh, I feel it is the truth.  It isn't healthy to hurt others in our lives, no matter whom they are or what they have done to us. 


AJJ.

I cannot agree. My uBPDxgf knew, and still knows, what she did. I wish her nothing good.

[Lolster]

Blissful,

I am starting to understand A LOT more however I am not going to pretend to have all the answers. 

On a basic level, very rudimentary. 

Cluster B's "dramatic/emotive" PD's

NPD - Outward acting, they are superior, always open up as they are always correct!

BPD - Inward acting, they are inferior, suppress emotions until they cant anymore. 

HPD - DRAMATIC, everything is WOW factor

ASPD - Nothing, no emotion, no feelings. 

Not so easy to spot an ASPD on the basis of 'no emotions/feelings' as they do have cognitive empathy and use it to their advantage.

[blissful_camper]

Blissful,

I am starting to understand A LOT more however I am not going to pretend to have all the answers. 

On a basic level, very rudimentary. 

Cluster B's "dramatic/emotive" PD's

NPD - Outward acting, they are superior, always open up as they are always correct!

BPD - Inward acting, they are inferior, suppress emotions until they cant anymore. 

HPD - DRAMATIC, everything is WOW factor

ASPD - Nothing, no emotion, no feelings. 

Not so easy to spot an ASPD on the basis of 'no emotions/feelings' as they do have cognitive empathy and use it to their advantage.

Is cognitive empathy a parroted form of true/real empathy?  In other words, it's expressed superficially for specific gain? 

[Loveofhislife]

AJJ: funny thing is--you used money as an analogy, but it's EXACTLY how he manages resources. He says he has problems managing money, but it's ALL resources: interesting irony.

There feelings are first and foremost the important feelings involved.  An analogy goes a bit like you or I, if we earn't $2000 a month we would budget with $800 for the mortgage, $300 for the car repayments, $500 for food, $200 for transport and $200 for bills.  We survive off our salary, we break even.  A pwBPD earns $2000 a month and they get a house with $1500 repayments, a car that costs $400 a month and a total of $900 of other expenses and when they are $800 out of pocket at the end of the month they are standing there going, What the heck, why am I short, Why cant someone make the difference up for me.  Then comes their partner, their partner has to make up this difference. 

After a while constantly making up the extra $800 a month the partner is running on nothing, we have empathy so we habd over that emotional currency constantly.  We are out of currency trying to support the pwBPD, we have nothing left. 

[Loveofhislife]

One more question, BLC and AJJ (I just finished reading the entire thread). I have let exbfBPD know almost from the beginning that he is a uBPD (though I'm betting I'm not the first to tell him that. Anyway, I have sent him a number of either questioning or confronting text with screen shots of his own texts. I don't consider this abuse but reminding myself and him of reality--using his own words from screen shots. This in no way has been meant to shame or abuse. Are you saying this is prolonging and exacerbating his pain as it is mine? And as far as I know he never broke up with me or has a shiny new toy? But I am on Day 20 of silent treatment.

[goldylamont]

One more question, BLC and AJJ (I just finished reading the entire thread). I have let exbfBPD know almost from the beginning that he is a uBPD (though I'm betting I'm not the first to tell him that. Anyway, I have sent him a number of either questioning or confronting text with screen shots of his own texts. I don't consider this abuse but reminding myself and him of reality--using his own words from screen shots. This in no way has been meant to shame or abuse. Are you saying this is prolonging and exacerbating his pain as it is mine? And as far as I know he never broke up with me or has a shiny new toy? But I am on Day 20 of silent treatment.

i'm of the mind that you shouldn't really care too much if you are hurting your ex or not. however, this does come with a *very* important exception--and that is if your ex may be suicidal. suicide is very real for people suffering PDs so should be taken into account.

in my case i don't think my ex was suicidal. just a hot mess. honestly i could care less if something i did hurt her or not. however, the vast majority of things i could have done to hurt her only would look bad upon me after time passed and i looked back on it. so, regarding sending him emails of texts, etc., i wouldn't waste too much time worrying whether you're hurting his feelings. but, you should understand that the reality is that any response you give him is a 'win' for him at this point. even negative attention for him is something he desires. and this keeps you personally attached.

it sounds like you are still in the early stages after the breakup and not established No Contact yet. so this is a tough time. you know, recently i went through some old messages i had sent to some friends of my ex, about my ex. it was when i first discovered BPD, and after they had sought me out over a year after the breakup when they independently started being affected by her abusive behavior. reading the messages what i can say is this--i'm really, very glad that i conducted myself in an honorable fashion. perhaps not perfect but i remember starting to read some stuff i wrote and being worried some of it would be really nasty, and i was relieved that it wasn't. it was direct, expressive, but not nasty. it would be embarrassing if i had a lot of messages where in fact i was the disregulated one   so, think about your future self looking back on your behavior now as a guide. and it's very, very important to remember in this digital age--nothing disappears completely. old emails, social media messages, text messages--all this stuff can come back to haunt you years later. keep 'em clean cadet! 

i admit i said some nasty things in arguments when we broke up. don't feel guilty about it at all though. but boy would it be embarrassing if this was all captured in digital media of some form. be wise. now is a time to protect yourself, from him and also from your own impulses. best to you.

[Loveofhislife]

Wise counsel, Goldy! Thanks, and I have written nothing yet that I would feel embarrassed for the WWW to see. But it's a great boundary to set for myself going forward.

[Aussie JJ]

NC prevents the continuance of the abuse cycle. 

The longer you remain in contact the longer it takes them to move on etc.  The more they act out and keep abusing you. 

Consider it for your health. 



Blissful,

a pwBPD suppresses all of the bad and holds it inside, when they cant do it any more, its too painful they act out.  A pwNPD always acts out.  This is not a hard and fast rule however as a 'guide' it is how they operate. 

In regards to a bit of everything, or having a bit of each disorder.  They are formed at the same developmental stage, I don't understand this properly, cant explain it as in depth and be confident in what I'm saying being true, however coping mechanisms of a three year old is fairly accurate way of thinking about it.   

I'll have to find the article on the schema's and link it for you. 

[Aussie JJ]

Not so easy to spot an ASPD on the basis of 'no emotions/feelings' as they do have cognitive empathy and use it to their advantage.

Very true, the emotional side of empathy is lacking and it is hard to pick up on this.  TY for correcting. 

[biglearningcurve]

One more question, BLC and AJJ (I just finished reading the entire thread). I have let exbfBPD know almost from the beginning that he is a uBPD (though I'm betting I'm not the first to tell him that. Anyway, I have sent him a number of either questioning or confronting text with screen shots of his own texts. I don't consider this abuse but reminding myself and him of reality--using his own words from screen shots. This in no way has been meant to shame or abuse. Are you saying this is prolonging and exacerbating his pain as it is mine? And as far as I know he never broke up with me or has a shiny new toy? But I am on Day 20 of silent treatment.

Loveofhislife.

I would suggest that if you want to detach from your ex any form of communication is prolonging and exacerbating the pain for both of you.

In my case there has not been regular contact, but we recently recycled as I had too many "what ifs", so I decided to reengage with him.

This is when I discovered he had married a women from the other side of the world when on holiday when we were still "good friends" and not bothered to tell me.

When he got disenchanted with his shiny new toy he came back to me to see if he still liked the old toy.

  When the old toy found out that he had married the new toy and he had not told the old toy, she wrote him an emailed saying she never wanted to be his toy again under any circumstances.

The old toy was trying to create a big boundary fence so that when he got sick of the shiny new married toy again he would not come back.

This old toy is played out and I will do whatever it takes to be NC and step off the drama triangle and move on and forward in my life.

He can try and contact me but I will no longer reply.  He will have to go and find some newer than new shiny toy.

[Aussie JJ]

I would suggest that if you want to detach from your ex any form of communication is prolonging and exacerbating the pain for both of you.

In my case there has not been regular contact, but we recently recycled as I had too many "what ifs", so I decided to reengage with him.

This is when I discovered he had married a women from the other side of the world when on holiday when we were still "good friends" and not bothered to tell me.

When he got disenchanted with his shiny new toy he came back to me to see if he still liked the old toy.

  When the old toy found out that he had married the new toy and he had not told the old toy, she wrote him an emailed saying she never wanted to be his toy again under any circumstances.

The old toy was trying to create a big boundary fence so that when he got sick of the shiny new married toy again he would not come back.

This old toy is played out and I will do whatever it takes to be NC and step off the drama triangle and move on and forward in my life.

He can try and contact me but I will no longer reply.  He will have to go and find some newer than new shiny toy.

HHAHAHA,

It is nice referring to  it all in sadpit psych terms, for me I found it eased the pain.   

Any yes, I'm from Australia!

[letmeout]

Before I left my BPDex I actually did tell him the most abusive and offensive behaviors that he had, which was why I had no choice but to leave.

He projected it all right back, and insisted that I was the one that acted that way and done those bad things and not him.  I knew then that he was always going to be messed up in the head.

NO contact, Never ever. It is the only way for both you and the BPDex to move on and leave the past behind.

[Aussie JJ]

This might sort of help explain a fair bit of the different emotional 'modes' you will be aware of. 

For me, I can recognize the punitive parent I know I have to back right off real fast, that is VERY dangerous for my EX, I have seen her hospitalised in the past when she hits this mode. I just wasn't aware of BPD. 

Once she hits abandoned child mode all bets are lost as far as regulation goes.  ATM she is in this mode most of the time around me apart form when she thinks she has won something, then it is a mode I refer to as cookie jar mode, "I STOLE THE COOKIE FROM THE COOKIE JAR AND YOU DONT KNOW NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH".  Unfortunately I can often see this one coming or evaluate it afterwards and pick the lie... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=229500.0

[blissful_camper]

This might sort of help explain a fair bit of the different emotional 'modes' you will be aware of. 

For me, I can recognize the punitive parent I know I have to back right off real fast, that is VERY dangerous for my EX, I have seen her hospitalised in the past when she hits this mode. I just wasn't aware of BPD. 

Once she hits abandoned child mode all bets are lost as far as regulation goes.  ATM she is in this mode most of the time around me apart form when she thinks she has won something, then it is a mode I refer to as cookie jar mode, "I STOLE THE COOKIE FROM THE COOKIE JAR AND YOU DONT KNOW NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH".  Unfortunately I can often see this one coming or evaluate it afterwards and pick the lie... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=229500.0

Thanks for your insight, and the link, AJJ.  I'm looking forward to reading it. 

[merm49]

I began to tell her what I and others (namely an MD cousin of mine who got me started on investigating BPD) had her pegged as near the beginning of the start of NC.  In the conversation to initiate NC, I even read a 14 point list I'd found online of what being in a relationship with a BPD feels like for the non; I had everything thrown/projected right back on to me.  The one conversation we had post NC, I was told again that I'm too sensitive, that I make her feel like a monster (after she hooked up with a guy the night/day of meeting me for the first time in 6 weeks after declaring her love), and that her therapist "definitely" says she doesn't have it (though I have serious reason to doubt her claims of therapy, and at the very least know she isn't doing that much work on herself given her traveling and 5 week NC period). 

The funny thing is, she's even asked me a couple times what she has wrong with her and has referred to her self as a broken car and acknowledged her myriad issues; but when it comes down to it, she's still as cold and emotionally abusive as ever.