How to handle when your own family uses your uBPD H to get what they want?

[Healthy88]

For years my family did not realize that my H, had any problems at all because whenever he was around them, he was wonderful and would do anything to please them. They thought he was amazing, I was so lucky and would always defend him, if I tried to discuss issues in our r/s. Other than my father who has past, in a sense he manipulated my family against me.

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[isilme]

Hi - I think more clarification about what your family wants you to do and how they get your H to make you do it is needed to better understand.

pwBPD usually reserve their poor behavior for the closest, most intimate relationships.  They can be quite wonderful when you only see them in certain circumstances, and no, most people who've not seen it or lived it can believe the kind of twisted accusations, rages, refusal of responsibility in a person that to them seems perfectly fine.  It's far easier to blame the person complaining, as they are the ones making things uncomfortable by complaining. 

So if the main problem is you want others to see how your H has BPD, probably not going to happen - he can't let it happen as too much shame is tied up in preventing others from seeing what you get to see.  And even if someone believes you, then all you will hear is how you should leave.  To most people, problems they don't have themselves solutions are binary - leave.  Stay.  Pick one and be quiet and stop making us uncomfortable with weird issues we don't want to hear about that we don't believe anyway. 

I'm not trying to sound discouraging about confiding in others, but really - if I tried to tell my coworkers about having a bag of broccoli thrown violently at me for daring to cook all of it, and that my H stomped and yelled for at least 15 minutes, totally out of it, scary, who'd understand that?  I use this example because it almost happened again last night, but really who gets mad about such things?  Who will attack their spouse's character over cooking too many vegetables, throw things, stomp, yell, and carry on for a quarter of an hour, and then huff and puff and give her the silent treatment until the next day over it? Not a person with sound emotions.  Who stays?  People who got emotionally invested before the veil fell, and for one reason or another (co-dependence due to childhood abuse, money, other security, age, children... .) don't see leaving as the immediate choice. 

BPD is probably encountered by more people than they realize and yet recognized far less than you' expect.  So if your main concern is that hey don't believe you, they'd need to live it, probably for a few years, to understand. 

[Healthy88]

Ok, my family fell in love with my H and really pushed me into marrying him. They did not see the red flags I saw and did not trust my judgement, apparently. They have treated him very well, often better than me. H enjoys all the special treatment. My father, who refused to postpone the wedding, at my request, has since past.

My family can be overinvolved, at times, in my opinion. Apparently, my mom doesn't feel she has as much acess to our children, as she would like. My H and I are currently not living together. Since my H is easier to manipulate, she will communicate with him behind my back to see the kids either when he has them in our area or sometimes H makes plans for the 3 of them to go visit her without my knowledge. Eventually, I find out and it is very hurtful.

Obviously, neither one of them respects my feelings or boundaries as long as they get their way. I don't know how to deal with this and do not expect either one of them to ever change. After all, neither one of them has any problems. Something is just wrong with me and I need help. I can't understand why I wouldn't have problems being treated like that by my H and my own mother. I am sure they are right, I could probably use years of counseling because of the two of them.

What do I do? Do I just sit back and watch the two of them use each other to get what they want, until one of them is no longer alive? It is insane to me, but I don't think I really have any other choice.

My H decided years ago that his family is pretty much off limits to me and I rarely see them. I think he does it to be mean to me. I have told him that I can't be like that to him. As long as we are married, I am happy to continue to share my family with him, under one condition. I asked for him to not make plans with them behind my back because even though I am trying to be generous, that is really hurtful. I have tried to explain to my mother that it isn't right either and is very hurtful. They naturally, both still do whatever they want pretty much and just see me as difficult, when I get in their way. 

I am beginning to think they deserve each other. I am wondering about letting him to continue to deal with my mom and just basically handling my family over to him in order to exit the triangle. I still have to deal with him because he is the father of my kids and still supports us. I want them to see me trying to still be nice to their father.

[Tattered Heart]

What do I do? Do I just sit back and watch the two of them use each other to get what they want, until one of them is no longer alive? It is insane to me, but I don't think I really have any other choice.

This must be so frustrating. It sounds like they are creating a Karpman Triangle, with your family being the victim, your H as the rescuer, and you being treated as the persecutor. Since your H is now dealing directly your family more directly, the dynamics in the triangle may begin to change. Here is one of the workshops on the triangle and how it works.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

[Healthy88]

Thanks for sharing that link. It is frustrating and was so incredibly hurtful until I realized that they both have some issues, and it really isn't personal or my issue. I just hate that my kids are being used as objects for their pleasure. Hopefully, I can demonstrate what real love feels and looks like, just as my father did for me. I am sure he had no idea he was pushing me down the aisle with someone mentally ill. He was just so fooled by my H, like everyone else is and truly thought he was a great guy.

My mom has herself in a pickle, as she idolized and defended my H for the last 20 years. Since our residential split, the health issues I am dealing with and her now dealing with him a lot more directly... .I think she is beginning to see that maybe he has some issues. However, he does give her more acess to the kids, which she really likes. I don't think she has it in her to admit to herself or apologize to me for being so blind and inappropriately displacing her loyalty. Then she may have to face she hasn't been the greatest mother to me after all. I seem to be the only one able to admit I have faults and seek out help.

I will be with them all tomorrow for one of my children's bdays. My family has just failed to mention they are coming to town & will be there too. It is a happy occasion, I am not the one with honesty issues and I won't ruin it. After all, they are the ones who have to look me in the eyes tomorrow. Tomorrow isn't about this and I will be adult enough to keep the focus where it should be. At least, I am beginning to see my strength come back and not let their actions affect me so much emotionally anymore.

[Healthy88]

So proud of myself. I can slowly see my strength is returning. Not only kept my calm the entire day with H and family, but was also very kind to them. My child had a really nice bday celebration, which is what was important.