AT LAST He's going for Counselling... is it too late? I am confused.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So here we are... .

Short summary for the ones who would read me and not know my story :

1,5 yr relationship, baby 8 months + D10 on my side.

Last july uBPD bf cracked up (paranoia, despair, accusations etc) and his parents/sister came to pick him up and accused me of ... .of what, actually? Anyway, it was all my fault if he was in such a state.

Summer apart, gave me the silent treatment at first (his sister told me on the phone "it was over" (!) we are nearly 40 years old... .). He loved me again a couple of times since then but when back to hating me more and more when I tried to reinforce my boundaries (no family between us/therapy... .).

Recently BPDbf started showing signs of Perversion, threatening of kicking me out of the house, of taking baby "if I couldn't afford to keep my children"... .

I went to see THE BPD specialist in my country (the president of the national association), in the capital city. He confirmed the diagnosis, proposed a "program" for both of us, told me there was hope... .if BPD agreed to come. But BPD didn't phone. He said he wanted to see HIS therapist.

He showed up unexpected yesterday, with his dad (sigh). Things went bad, he was cruel and threatening, I was crying, his father looked confused and sad, my daughter was crying too. I told him that it would soon be too late if he refused to call my T.

Yesterday, I finally made an appointment with a lawyer, I'm meeting her next Tuesday.

And now he's just sent me a message saying he has an appointment with my therapist on Monday. His messages are calmer, he seems to be looking for a compromise and is not threatening anymore.

Should I cancel with the lawyer (or reschedule)?

Does it mean I'm not painted black anymore ?

Is there hope somewhere ?

[Indyan]

So here we are... .

Short summary for the ones who would read me and not know my story :

1,5 yr relationship, baby 8 months + D10 on my side.

Last july uBPD bf cracked up (paranoia, despair, accusations etc) and his parents/sister came to pick him up and accused me of ... .of what, actually? Anyway, it was all my fault if he was in such a state.

Summer apart, gave me the silent treatment at first (his sister told me on the phone "it was over" (!) we are nearly 40 years old... .). He loved me again a couple of times since then but when back to hating me more and more when I tried to reinforce my boundaries (no family between us/therapy... .).

Recently BPDbf started showing signs of Perversion, threatening of kicking me out of the house, of taking baby "if I couldn't afford to keep my children"... .

I went to see THE BPD specialist in my country (the president of the national association), in the capital city. He confirmed the diagnosis, proposed a "program" for both of us, told me there was hope... .if BPD agreed to come. But BPD didn't phone. He said he wanted to see HIS therapist.

He showed up unexpected yesterday, with his dad (sigh). Things went bad, he was cruel and threatening, I was crying, his father looked confused and sad, my daughter was crying too. I told him that it would soon be too late if he refused to call my T.

Yesterday, I finally made an appointment with a lawyer, I'm meeting her next Tuesday.

And now he's just sent me a message saying he has an appointment with my therapist on Monday. His messages are calmer, he seems to be looking for a compromise and is not threatening anymore.

Should I cancel with the lawyer (or reschedule)?

Does it mean I'm not painted black anymore ?

Is there hope somewhere ?

[Mutt]

Hy Indyan,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. You have a lot on your plate right now and you feel anxiety, stress and confused. The best description for the up and down feeling your partner is putting you through is "walking on eggshells"

I went to see THE BPD specialist in my country (the president of the national association), in the capital city. He confirmed the diagnosis, proposed a "program" for both of us, told me there was hope... .if BPD agreed to come.

And now he's just sent me a message saying he has an appointment with my therapist on Monday. His messages are calmer, he seems to be looking for a compromise and is not threatening anymore.

He wanted to see his T and now wants to see your T. It's likely to triangulate you and distort you to your T. That raises a    Can you be present? Do you know your T very well and that they know what you are like and aren't going to fall for his distortions? Be careful, this may be a smear campaign.

Should I cancel with the lawyer (or reschedule)?

Does it mean I'm not painted black anymore ?

Is there hope somewhere ?

From my experience with my ex and I am split black, she is nice when she has a narcissistic need for her. It's not about me, it's about her. You know what's best for you and know your uBPDf better than anyone on the board. There is no disadvantage of not cancelling the appointment with your L right? Keep the appointment and talk to your L and they will advise you of what you can do.

Perhaps get a consultation from more than one L, 2 or 3.

[Indyan]

Thanks for your reply.

Yes I do trust my therapist (at least I found a good one, took me ages), and I'm sure he won't be fooled.

I am going to see the lawyer as I can't live under such a stress every week-end.

Now he wants to take baby for the whole day (when baby's never been away from me for more than 3-4 hours, and I'm still nursing him). I don't trust him, he may decide not to bring him back.

So I've proposed to spend a day together the 3 of us (my D will be away), he said "he's gonna think of it".

I hate him for all his putting me through, I'm scared there's no way back as he's gone too far.

If he refuses to spend the day with me, I'll have to tell him I don't trust him to take baby and it's going to escalate. He might use this as an excuse to cancel the appointment with the T.

What should I say? I'm so distressed :-(

[Mutt]

What should I say? I'm so distressed :-(

My kids are a little older. If you are nursing the baby, baby needs to be with mom. I would talk to your lawyer about visitation but an entire day with the father at that age seems long. I'm not a legal expert but I would suggest asking the legal board.

He's emotionally blackmailing you if he refuses to spend the day if you don't give him what he wants. Worry about mom and baby. You are both #1.

If he chooses to cancel the appointment, you cannot control someone else. It is his choice to make. You can only control you.

Stick to your boundaries a pwBPD are like children that flail against the parent when they don't understand boundaries.

[Indyan]

Thanks Mutt for your reply.

I'm so terribly confused.

He's starting T on Monday, but visits apartments without even telling me (I heard from his father). In his mind, as soon as he has an apartment, he'll stop paying for our house and I'll have to either move out or be rich.

Last week-end he threatened to take baby and cancel the house, and at the same time said we were still together and that this house was his... .

Could it be that he wants me to clearly tell him I want us to try again?

I'm lost. He does everything to make our separation real, but then doesn't accept the situation.

[Mutt]

I'm so sorry that you feel lost and confused  

From my experience with my ex and keep in mind that BPD is a spectrum disorder, everyone's pwBPD in their lives is different, she cannot communicate what she needs. She may not understand what she needs and acts impulsively, doesn't think things through. Shoot first aim later.

You are walking on eggshells.

Last week-end he threatened to take baby and cancel the house, and at the same time said we were still together and that this house was his... .

A pwBPD fear abandonment, perceived or real. It is an attachment disorder. Your uBPD bf may try to abandon you before you abandon him. It is difficult to understand the logic or what a pwBPD are going to do. This is a mental illness and there are patterns as above. A person that is not mentally ill, the non-disordered cannot apply logic or think in a distorted belief system like your bf or my wife or anyone else on the boards.

Have you talked to your L or T to ease your mind? Getting help from both will give you an understanding in your situation. I feel like when I strategically know what ex can do in court or not and talking to someone helped me to recenter myself.

[Indyan]

He's just sent a message to say he doesn't take up my offer, that he wants to take baby... .

But that "I shouldn't take it personally, that it has to do with himself, that we'll talk about it with T"

I feel he's manipulating me.

I answered that baby's never been away from me for so long, and that I don't understand what he means "it has to do with him".

Gosh, it's hard to keep control.

[Mutt]

He's just sent a message to say he doesn't take up my offer, that he wants to take baby... .

But that "I shouldn't take it personally, that it has to do with himself, that we'll talk about it with T"

I feel he's manipulating me.

I answered that baby's never been away from me for so long, and that I don't understand what he means "it has to do with him".

Gosh, it's hard to keep control.

If you don't do as he says he threatens. Emotional blackmail. Are you safe?

SELF-AWARE: What it means to be in the "FOG"

TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind

Are you concerned for your well being and the baby's? Do you think he would harm you?

[Indyan]

If you don't do as he says he threatens. Emotional blackmail. Are you safe?

Are you concerned for your well being and the baby's? Do you think he would harm you?

It's not precisely if I don't do as he says... .well, I'm not sure anymore honestly.

He says he doesn't want questions about him before T (?).

I don't think he would harm us physically, but he's doing a lot of damage morally.

The thing with text messages is that we don't get the tone and it's freaky to me.

I sent a long message about baby not being apart from me for a whole day, about nursing etc.

He answered that "he'll read it tomorrow cause he's in bed."

I feel it's a way to make me feel that what I say doesn't matter, he's not even curious to read it.

[Indyan]

TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind

Thanks for this, it makes sense.

I've been really trying to act "wisely", not to respond to provocation, to show consideration, to be open-minded, and mainly to respond genuinely and not as if his intentions were necessarily evil... .

But it's hard, really. Because at the same time I need to protect myself, and acting this way makes me feel I'm a hypocrit. I can't be spontaneous anymore, as he never is.

I really hope that T will open a door to him.

He has NEVER spoken to someone who's familiar with BPD/NPD. I just hope his motivations are real, and not that he's going there to "fight back" one way or the other.

The therapist is a great man, I was really impressed when I spoke with him (for 2 hours). He has devoted his life to BPD, and while he will not be fooled, he also has great empathy for pwBPD.

I try not to put too much hope on him, but it's difficult, as I know that he really is our last chance for dialogue (and for BPDbf to stop painting me black).