Message in a Bottle: the things you WANT to say to your ex

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This was brought up in another thread, so I'm going to start it.  Thanks go out to MSNYC for the idea.  Use this thread to say the things you wanted to say to them but either couldn't or wouldn't.  Let it out, let it go!

[Lonely_Astro]

This was brought up in another thread, so I'm going to start it.  Thanks go out to MSNYC for the idea.  Use this thread to say the things you wanted to say to them but either couldn't or wouldn't.  Let it out, let it go!

[Schermarhorn]

I'll never fully understand what happened, and I'll never know what you were feeling during our relationship. I'm sorry for the hurtful things I have done. I wish it could have ended differently.

[hopealways]

"This cycle will always repeat until you get help and heal." Actually I did say that numerous times to deaf ears.

[Beach_Babe]

"I hope you choke on your Kentucky Fried Chicken."

[Michelle27]

"This cycle will always repeat until you get help and heal." Actually I did say that numerous times to deaf ears.

I said a variation of this too.  The answer I got would have made any skeptic believe that he was sincere about getting help and wanting to change his ways.  He assured me it had nothing to do with me wanting him to get help but that he wanted it.  Yeah sure... .the minute I told him I was done, he quit all of the stuff he was doing:  Stopped DBT, stopped CBT, disposed of his DBT and CBT books, didn't show up at his psychiatric appointment he got referred to by our doctor and stopped going to his men's group.  And of course, got a gf he showered all attention on and who believes he's the best thing since sliced bread.  

As far as what I want to say, I want to tear a strip off him for all of the lies I discovered after he left, some that he kept up for the whole 15 year relationship.  Honestly, and I feel a bit bad for this, but I want to humiliate him so he really feels the shame that all BPD sufferers feel so that maybe, just maybe, he'll finally get some help.  Not for me... .I've moved on and would never recycle or even be friendly with him... .but for our kids' sake.

[Beach_Babe]

Take a shower.

When you hit your head in public, you look like a lunatic.

1-800-Jenny. Call today.

[Ren12]

I keep reiterating a thought.  The blow ups were never about me, it was always about the pain you had inside.  I could never help you with that, nor was I equipped to. I look at my health issues of the past as a blessing.  It was as if someone was looking down on me, knowing that I did not deserve what I committed myself to, knowing it was just a matter of time for you to leave, but that is what chronic stress is, your body telling you something is not right.  I think deep down you know why I had to walk away from you.  This is what everyone that gets close to you does, right?  I can't imagine that feeling of needing to flee a person that you had love for, but who got too close, or knowing you could not change.  A lot from our relationship does not make sense to me, nor will I ever expect it too. 

[Teereese]

I'm sorry.

I should have heeded your warning all those years ago and saved us both the heartache and pain.

[letmeout]

I would be wasting my breath telling my ex anything because he can not hear anything but the voice in his own head.

LOL Beach Babe about the chicken, that cracked me up!

[Beach_Babe]

Letmeout:  I have fond memories of him licking his fingers after every bucket, then wiping it on himself. Classy.

[Anise]

When you hit your head in public, you look like a lunatic.

My husband does this as well.  I know he does it to relieve stress, but he doesn't seem to understand that it's not a healthy behavior.

[Mr Hollande]

Most of what I had to say I've said. I haven't been kind and nor should I be. There is no reason why I should spare her or her feelings if she decides to make contact.

[Moorwen]

Last message i sent her was: I forgive you.

Not in meaning she can come back, but that i have moved on, and i have.

[MakingMyWay]

I always thought I was the problem. Whenever you were depressed I blamed myself. It wore me down so much. I was anxious, depressed, always worried about how my actions might hurt you. But I didn't want to tell you this stuff because you hated yourself. I was terrified you would go back to cutting yourself. I was scared to talk to people about it in case they thought you were crazy. I wanted to save you, but you didn't want to be saved. I learnt that the hard way.

You need help and no amount of my or anybody else's love is going to fix you. Everything I tried while we were together was useless, it never helped. I hope you get help one day, but I'm not going to be your caretaker any more.

[Michelle27]

One thing I DID tell him in our last conversation, when I told him we were done is that I am grateful for having gone through what I did in our relationship as it made me dig deep and become a better person than I was before.  I actually thanked him for that.  I know he'll never understand it, but I'd probably still be stuck in my own patterns of low self esteem, being there for everyone else except me, and not taking care of myself or acknowledging my own needs. My BPD ex was my 2nd abusive marriage and I know I have a role to play in allowing that.  What I learned in that marriage was invaluable as far as never ending up in that kind of position again.

[oceanblue]

I still have strong emotions about my ex at times.  Mostly anger for being a selfish jerk.  And some vindication that two years after it was over, his life is a trainwreck.  He used to blame everything that went wrong in his life on me but two years after we ended it, his life is worse than it ever was with me.

I hate to say I am still angry at times but it's true.  So, I think most of what I would say would come from anger: Maybe it wasn't me causing all the problems. Maybe you are the one who should shut up and listen for once. Maybe I wasn't the crazy one.  I hope the next time you rage at someone, they call the police.

The other thing I would say would come from love and pity - please get help.  It's sad to live a life in pain.  With help, things will get better. 

[Hopeful83]

The thing that pains me the most is that you tried to destroy the three years that we had together in order to justify your actions and your new agenda. And despite everything you've put me through and despite the horrendous breakup, over the course of our relationship there have been so many beautiful moments that I'll always cherish - no matter what you said and did in the end. We were partners in crime, we were planning a future together. You held me in your arms every single night and we fell asleep as one. You cared for me when I was sick, pulled me up when I was down, made me see that I could really achieve whatever I put my mind to. You loved my family as if they were your own, we travelled the world together, I saw the glint in your eye when you realised that photography was your passion and you wanted to pursue it as a career. We had our own separate issues, but what was so magnificent about our union was how we both showed each other different ways of thinking and being. I showed you how to lead a life that was free without having to worry about what your family or people from your culture thought. You showed me how to love someone and break down the walls that I had built around me.

It wasn't perfect, but it was us. And you brought it crashing down in an instant.

I know I have issues that I need to tackle, but my issues aren't what caused us to end. I have witnessed your rage get worse and worse. I have seen you hit your head repeatedly out of frustration. I have seen you tie a belt around your neck and threaten to kill yourself. I'd always despair at how my loving, caring boyfriend could switch in an instant. I always attributed your behaviour to what that monster did to you when you were a child, and I believed you when you said you'd get help, which is why I stayed with you for so long. This is another reason why I cannot believe you turned your back on me so easily after everything we went through. And what pains me the most is that you turned round and essentially told me that our whole relationship was a lie (I know that it wasn't, no matter what you say now).

I'll never believe the reasons you gave for the breakup, and some day I hope you'll face up to the truth, too, because that's the only way you'll get the help you need. But I fear for you, A. I really do, because I can only see this ending in tears for you.

[Mr Hollande]

That's a very eloquent and dignified post, H83.

[drv3006]

SHUT UP.   SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP. 

[13YearGoodbye]

I wish that you would have yourself tested for BPD.

I wish that you would attend DBT sessions.

I wish that you would be honest with your doctors about how much alcohol you drink.

I wish that I could get my stuff without facing a dysregulation rage.

I wish that you'd try to get better so that you could help your kids.

[Anez]

I'm not going to text you or email you right now even tho I want to. And I'm not going to check your Instagram.

You know what you've lost, Danielle. And it hurts you, no matter how you're spending your time right now.

[Hopeful83]

That's a very eloquent and dignified post, H83.

Thank you Mr Hollande. It was actually really cathartic to write it. I cried when I read it back to myself, though



It also helped me 'forgive' myself for staying with him for the amount of time that I did. I was angry with myself for a while, but when I read this I remember that it wasn't all bad. There were many, many good things about the relationship and I genuinely did love him. The bad, however, won in the end. That's what happens I guess when people don't seek the help that they need.

[emergent]

I always thought I was the problem. Whenever you were depressed I blamed myself. It wore me down so much. I was anxious, depressed, always worried about how my actions might hurt you. But I didn't want to tell you this stuff because you hated yourself. I was terrified you would go back to cutting yourself. I was scared to talk to people about it in case they thought you were crazy. I wanted to save you, but you didn't want to be saved. I learnt that the hard way.

You need help and no amount of my or anybody else's love is going to fix you. Everything I tried while we were together was useless, it never helped. I hope you get help one day, but I'm not going to be your caretaker any more.

This is totally what I'd say now if I thought there was a chance of being heard out. I got to a point where I felt so helpless trying to get you out of your misery that I could not go on trying. I realized that there was nothing whatsoever I could do, no matter how careful and attentive I strove to be. How I wish there had been... .

What I wish I'd been able to say a million times over the 15 years we were together (made me laugh reading drv3006's comment) is SHUT UP. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP. 

[English Sid]

Thank you so much for finally letting your mask slip and opening my eyes. Why on earth would I want a lying, cheating, thieving, BPD psycho whore in my life.

Life is now sweet.

[zundertowz]

I think I said what I had to say, since I was already being accused of being a abusive psycho I fired off a few emails that told her what exactly what I thought of her.  I was drunk those times so I suggest not drinking in the immediate after math of these relationships.  Wish I would have taken the high road but whatever.

[cloudten]

I'm sorry that I made your biggest nightmare come true---- but its mutual because you made my biggest nightmare come true too.  We are each other's nightmares.

[cloudten]

I think I said what I had to say, since I was already being accused of being a abusive psycho I fired off a few emails that told her what exactly what I thought of her.  I was drunk those times so I suggest not drinking in the immediate after math of these relationships.  Wish I would have taken the high road but whatever.

Haha... .yup I have gotten drunk and fired off a few choice words myself. Her accusing you of being an abusive psycho is projections... .she is the abusive psycho.

[Herodias]

I agree with this one... ."Thank you so much for finally letting your mask slip and opening my eyes. Why on earth would I want a lying, cheating, thieving, BPD psycho whore in my life."

I hope you really are happier now that you are a redneck and poor... .funny how you had to have the best of the best of everything when you were with me! You had everything you could have ever wanted and let it all go for sex and booze! You deserve what comes your way and I deserve much, much better... .as you told me. No more expensive Xmas gifts from me... .Hope you enjoy your new broke girlfriend! Hope she cheats on you like she did on her husband! Hope she can handle all your "incidents" that you always had with me for years... .especially at Xmas.

[hopealways]

"I should have said no when you asked early on if I was sure I wanted to be with such a troubled woman."

[letmeout]

I am sure we had some good times in our 35 year marriage, but now whenever I think of you all I can remember is the image of your distorted face as you raged like a lunatic.

I guess I saw it so many times that its something that can never be erased. On a good note, it ensures that I will forever maintain no contact with you.