Young Adult Struggling with BPD mom

[CrazyCatLady525]

I found this site from reading the book walking on eggshells. I am 21 years old. It is just my mom and I that live together. I am struggling pretty hard coping with her disorder and my own anxiety and OCD. I have been seeing a counselor to talk about my moms disorder and healthy ways to cope and react. The last 6 weeks have been especially hard. I had major knee surgery and have been fully dependent on her. I am non weight bearing still and I cannot drive. I am normally very independent and do a lot for the household. The increase in responsibilities for my mom is pushing her to her breaking point. If anyone has any input or advice, I would surely appreciate it.

[Kwamina]

Hi CrazyCatLady525

SaneParrotMan1 here

Sorry to hear about your current struggles. Having to deal with major knee surgery is already difficult enough, unfortunately your mother makes it even more hard for you. What is the prognosis for your recovery from this surgery? How much longer would you expect to still be dependent on your mother for help?

I am glad you do have a counselor to talk to about these matters. Have you seen your counselor since undergoing surgery?

What are the behaviors your mother exhibits that you find particularly difficult to deal with?

Welcome to our online community

The Board Parrot

[CrazyCatLady525]

Thank you for replying! I see the doctor on January 3rd. I am hoping they will let me start to be weight bearing and hopefully start to drive again. I've been working part time on restrictions, but my mom has had to take me to all my physical therapy appointments, doctors appts, and work. I have not seen my counselor since surgery, I am suppose to go on January 8th. I just, however, got a call from my counselor that she needs to reschedule. I am not sure how beneficial the counseling was though, because she was only able to get me in every 2-3 weeks. I have been looking up things online to cope with living with someone with this disorder. I find my best option sometimes is to not react and let her cool off. My mom also struggles with depression, and I think it makes some of her behaviors worse. I haven't really been able to complain or express my frustration about not being able to weight bear or drive, because she turns it around on her. She will be like well its not easy for me look at all I have had to do. I feel like I normally take the mother role in our relationship and do a lot of things for her that she takes for granted. Now that she is having to do some of the same things I would normally do for her, she can't handle it. She will burst into extreme crying or rage episodes. The crying leaves me uncomfortable because I know that no matter what I say it will not help. She reverts to almost childlike behavior. If I do try to help, she says I'm okay or leave me alone. This is kind of why I have taken the approach to not react. Her rage episodes are what really scares me. She has had a lot of stress with her job, and I guess with taking care of me.  She kind of just explodes, and even if it is not directed at me it terrifies me. The bad thing is I do have anxiety and OCD, so some of my moms behaviors seem to make it worse for me. I try to listen to meditation things and color when I am feeling that way. I just feel like I wouldn't feel half as bad if I wasn't living with my mom. I would like to move out before too long, but I am afraid she won't be able to function and will shut down. I wish there was a clear cut answer on what to do, but I feel whatever I do I am going to have doubts about it. It feels good being able to get this out.

[Kwamina]

I see the doctor on January 3rd. I am hoping they will let me start to be weight bearing and hopefully start to drive again.

That would be great indeed. I hope all goes well!

I have been looking up things online to cope with living with someone with this disorder. I find my best option sometimes is to not react and let her cool off.

Not reacting, or taking time to mindfully assess the situation so you can come up with a wise response, is often a good approach to take. There are also communication techniques that can help such as validation, S.E.T. and D.E.A.R.M.A.N., have you perhaps come across any of these techniques as you were looking things up online?

She has had a lot of stress with her job, and I guess with taking care of me.  She kind of just explodes, and even if it is not directed at me it terrifies me.

Dealing with a raging individual isn't easy. In what ways does your mother explode? What does she do exactly when she's raging?

I am glad just getting your story out here feels so good

The Board Parrot

[freespirit]

Hi CrazyCatLady525  

I just wanted to say Hi, and welcome you to the board  

I think that's its amazing that you have found this site at only 21 years old, are reading the book walking on eggshells, coping with your mum's disorder and your own anxiety and OCD and that you are also seeing a counselor.

I think you are handling all this in a very insightful, self empowering way.

My daughter who is 19,  also recently joined this board and has been dealing with some very similar issues.

Thank you for posting and blessings for your recovery from your major knee surgery  

[CrazyCatLady525]

SaneParrotMan1
If she has a bad day at work, which is 99 percent of the time she will come home in hysterics. She will be ranting and raving about how she hates her job and doesn't know how much more she can take. When she is at her worst she will slam cabinets, knock things off the table, and talk/yell in a very loud voice. It can get pretty bad. I have heard of the validation techniques but not the other ones. I am going to try to read more articles and books regarding borderline to help cope. I had read on another post on here how someone feels like they can't show happiness around the borderline person in their life. I often feel like that. I am generally a very positive, upbeat person with a strong faith and good outlook on life. As bad as it sounds, I feel that my spirit almost gets diminished in the presence of my mom.

freespirit

Thank you very much. You don't know how much I appreciate that. Do you have someone in your family with BPD? Thank you so much for wishing me luck on my recovery! It will be nice to be back to normal and have some of these situations with my mom and I become less and less. I try to do a lot for my mom, and make things easier for her. I know its probably not exactly how it should be. I have talked to my counselor and she suggested asking my mom to do little things here and there. I need to get better about that. Best wishes to you!

[freespirit]

Hi again, CrazyCatLady525  

You are very welcome, it's great to see youth represented here at bpdfamily  

Yes, both my parents were BPD/npd hybrids, and alcoholics/addicts.

I was blown away by what you wrote to SaneParrotMan1 (I love both your name's    

I think its absolutely incredible the way that your dealing with all of this. To have the insight to know whats going on inside of yourself, and then to reach out and articulate that so well to others, to seek the outside help you need, and to support yourself through that process, is a skill set that not everyone has, and that many could learn from your example.

I have mentioned to my daughter about your thread and she is planning on swinging by and saying Hi. You guys are recovery rock-stars!  

Blessings for your day ~ freespirit  

[dancer18]

Hello CrazyCatLady525! 

Welcome! I think its truly great you came across bpdfamily, I've not long joined myself.
I'm 19 and I also have OCD, it's been quite a struggle for myself too and I honestly do relate.
I have a sister and father who share strong BPD traits and that's mainly why I'm here.

I look forward to hearing more from you 

 

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board!  I am glad you posted.  

I find my best option sometimes is to not react and let her cool off.

This is smart.  Allow her the room to self soothe and allow yourself the same freedom.  Like Kwamina said, there are communication tools that can help and they work quite well.  Once a person is fully dysregulated (ie in a rage) there is little you can do or say to change that.  

I would like to move out before too long, but I am afraid she won't be able to function and will shut down.

Moving out is the most normal and healthy thing for an adult to do.  It is not your job to regulate your moms emotions nor is it healthy for you to do so... .yes, I know you know that but I still said it.    You mentioned your mom acts like a child and you have parented her.  That is very common in families when a parent is disordered.  The role reversal is quite damaging and can tie us emotionally to them.  Breaking that tie can be quite difficult though it can be done.

I wish there was a clear cut answer on what to do, but I feel whatever I do I am going to have doubts about it. It feels good being able to get this out.

When you say you wish there was a clear cut answer on what to do, I get it.  For me that meant finding a solution that would cause no upset, no rage, no dysregulation.  I finally realized that was not an option once I figured out that even though I tried everything I could to prevent it my mother was still dysregualting.  I know things are worse temporarily because of your knee (I hope it heals quickly) but how were things before?  

Looking at those kinds of things is what helped me make my decision.  In the meantime though, the tools Kwamina mentioned will all come in handy and will make things better for *you* while living with her and once you move away (whenever that is).

As bad as it sounds, I feel that my spirit almost gets diminished in the presence of my mom.

It sounds like it does.  We will instinctively respond and react by shrinking down and making ourselves small in an attempt to make them feel better or at least less miserable and to keep them from raging.  It is sad when we can't be who we are in the presence of our own family but that is the reality.