Thank you, yes I actually met a neighbor who had a BPD gf... .he said the same thing! He got sucked back in a second time and it was much much worse. I fear that if i try to get "closure" it is just opening the door a crack and he will try to bust his way through.
I share that concern & I'm skeptical that you will ever get closure from your BPDex.
Regardless, assuming you can - it doesn't have to be today.
I got a
form of closure after several months of NC. When was I strong enough to close that door, when she tried to push her foot through.
He is confused and hurting. He reached out but then said "don't contact me", while he wrote me 10 emails.
Yea, unfortunately that's where the phrase originates from ... ."I hate you, don't ever leave me"
I can't say what he is feeling, but I'm skeptical that he is feeling what you are feeling.
Unfortunately, we have the same tendency to project emotions onto others, as they have - which isn't typically a problem where non-disordered people are concerned, because our instincts are often correct.
But with disordered types, it's very problematic - and leaves us very vulnerable to exploitation.
I'm not sure if you've heard of Occam's razor? (The simplest explanation is usually the correct one)
Well, here is
Epic's razor - in understanding BPD motives, the most selfish explanation is usually the correct one.
Sounds reductionist or nihilistic even - but it's generally true.
I think he definitely is BPD because he told me after all was said and done that his discharge papers from the army said "personality disorder". Apparently according to a friend who worked at the Veterans hospital, if they actually diagonosed that it is pretty bad. Because the army would rather underdiagnose people ( to hide the fact that joining the army is traumatic ).
Knowing it's BPD is good, because it will help you to understand and recover, but regardless, it's toxic and abusive based on all of your descriptions so far.
The diagnosis (or lack thereof) is almost used as a 'get out of jaill free' card on some forums
But it's the
actions that count,
not the diagnosis... .abuse is abuse whether it's coming from a BPD or a Non.
This is a drum I beat over and over - but it's intentional.
In the future, you will be supporting people who are trying to recover, and this is a massive stumbling block for Nons.
Also thank you for the prayer. I have been trying to get in touch with "higher power" it's an AA thing. Usually I have not been very religious in the past. But all I can think is that God is sending me some message right now... .
My pleasure, You're Welcome
Yea, I wasn't very spiritual or religious myself prior to the BPD aftermath.
I was raised a Catholic, but hadn't practised in years.
I did actually pray before I commenced the relationship with my BPD tho. I prayed for guidance.
To prevent me making the wrong choice again (I was 5 months out of a 9 year non-disordered relationship)
I prayed for guidance toward the path of happiness... .thought that prayer had been heard for 2 months. It was bliss.
Several months later, it all seemed like a very sick joke.
Now I'm believe more than ever that it was answered - just not in the way I expected. LOL!
Actually, if I'm completely honest, I believe it was pre-destined - I can elaborate if you want, but I'm concerned I'm rambling now!
FWIW, I've actually gravitated quite strongly toward Buddhism now.
why is the intersection happening again between B and E. There is some lesson I need to learn or am not getting.
I think it's that I need to love myself and know that neither of them is right for me. I need a stronger sense of self esteem... .it's like I'm barely swimming with my head above water and B could drag me down very easily right now. There is no way I can hold him up too.
I think you're absolutely nailing it now.
I'm not just saying this to soothe you - I'm telling you, you're gonna have weak moments and really hard days through the recovery - but I've absolutely zero doubt your best days are
ahead of you.It all makes me very sad. I thought at some point I could help him. We broke so many things that last week... .it was a living hell! The breaking point was when he smashed my laptop into bits... .that is how I make my living because I'm a graphic designer, so I couldn't take that any more. Besides that I was acting out on him which isn't healthy for him either.
It's very sad. And never stops being sad in all honesty. It just hurts way less - in time.
Also... .I don't think he is the type to cheat on me... .he is very monogomous minded.
Do you think it would be mean for me to tell him I am with someone else (even though I'm not really) just to take the pressure off me and he would go away... .?
Oh - my BPDex was the most monogamous person who ever lived. She was furious at an ex who she claimed cheated on her.
The catch is that, when they cheat, it's our fault - so that doesn't count.
As you can guess - she wasn't faithful.
There are stats on the forum.
In 65% of respondents, the non had proof of cheating
15% had suspicions, but couldn't prove it.
5% didn't know.
10% said no cheating
That means there is about a 1 in 10 chance that they are not cheating.
In terms of telling him you've moved on - the simple answer is that I don't know unfortunately.
It could keep them away, but it could also result in narcissistic injury - which could result in scary and unpredictable behaviour.
I think the safest course is just No Contact. (and stop reading the msgs - they are designed to generate guilt and shame within you)
Thank god I have therapy tonight! Thank you so much for your support!
Anytime!
And yea - some weeks you are literally counting down the days until Therapy. !
Now I only go once per month and have to keep a journal to make sure I have stuff to discuss!
