Realizing that it is what it is

[flowerpath]

From a 2008 post by Joanna K - TOOLS: The do's and don'ts of a BPD relationship

a non simply cannot expect the same kind of relationship with a person who has BPD as he/she can with someone more emotionally stable and mature.  It's a different relationship, and the person trying to connect with someone with BPD needs to understand that.  All of the Dos and Don'ts wouldn't be necessary if one was dealing with a partner, an "equal".  It doesn't mean that they are worth less as a human being, but it does mean that you have different expectations, different "rules" if you are interacting with this person. 

Many of the frustrations of non's in these kinds of relationships are due to having the same expectations of the relationship as one would have with someone who doesn't have BPD.  If you want to survive in the relationship, you need to cut your expectations down, wayyyy down.  You will have to be a parent, a project leader, even a "doctor" at times, even as you work to maintain your own dignity and sense of self.  If you are trying to have a romantic relationship, a marriage, with this person, you have to accept these roles, these functions, and give up your ideas about what a romantic relationship, a marriage "should" be.  Even if the BPD person is in active recovery, it may take years before you can have the envisioned relationship... if at all.

"Radical acceptance"... .  Doesn't mean it is necessarily bad or good, but it means that it is different, and the person in the relationship needs to understand and accept that.

This certainly is a soul-searching process. 

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[Rapt Reader]

It is, flowerpath... .

Have you read the information on Radical Acceptance yet? I have found that to be probably the one biggest hurdle to jump, in changing how I look at (and deal with) things regarding my BPD loved ones. But once I understood the concept, it really did help my peace of mind.

Searching our souls to get to the point where we accept that things aren't ever going to be the way we'd hope they would be is pretty radical. And not always easy to do... .

[maxsterling]

I think "radical acceptance" is always a work in progress with us.  It's entirely a mental block as we have to re-think our views of society that we were raised with.  I know it's been a huge learning process for me, as certain things that I had taken for granted or just naturally assumed about human nature don't ring true for a pwBPD.

The biggest "hurdle" for me with radical acceptance was recognizing that I am not powerless regarding the relationship or her.  I thought I had accepted the BPD and accepted who she is.  But then something reminded me that despite my "acceptance", I was still waiting for her to show a change before I could make decisions about this relationship (whether to move foreword or break up).  In other words, I was placing the fate of this relationship entirely upon her mental health, and that consumed me.  Once I made the decision that I wanted to move forward with her, things have been easier.  It took me to accept not just that she has BPD, but this is who she is and she probably won't change, and this will always be an unbalanced relationship.  I still often get caught back up in the hopes that she will change, but I have to remind myself that I am choosing this path, can still choose a different path in the future, and to make my happiness independent of whatever mood she is in.

[flowerpath]

Rapt Reader and maxsterling, thank you for your helpful replies.   I just finished reading the information about radical acceptance.  I need to read it again and again. 

It is undiagnosed, this whole spectrum of BPD is new to me, and the possibility of this being a mental illness has consumed my thoughts and time in reading for the past 7 days.  I have come to the point of looking at it this way:  I need to accept the fact that I cannot change my husband’s behavior and his behavior may never change.   Whether changing my own behavior has positive results or not, working at being a better listener, being a more understanding person, genuinely validating my husband, and expressing my boundaries in a better way in spite of the ugliness that is hurled at me, and doing so without resentment, is the right thing to do.   

I am going to remember your last points:  I am choosing this path, I can still choose a different path in the future, and I can still be happy no matter what kind of mood he is in. 

[ziniztar]

It's funny that you bring this up. I had a huge allmost breakup talk yesterday with my dBPDbf. He's in therapy for 1,5 years for BPD now. In the past year I've seen him growing from uncapable of talking about BPD from fully acknowledging his illness. He's becoming aware of his unrealistic expectations towards me, and the discomfort he experiences when having to care for me. Yesterday he mentioned he thinks we're destroying each other by staying together. He mentioned that my expectations of him are high, too high, and that he can't live up to it.

When reading your re-post I realised I still expect him to be normal. He's starting to accept his condition, and I won't. I think that if I want to keep my relationship and get us through this episode, radical acceptance is the only tool to focus on for the next 6 months. By then we've planned to move in together and 90% of our irritations on work schedules and spending time together will be gone.

But then... how do you validate the unpleasant discoveries a pwBPD does during his treatment? I haven't invalidated it thus far (I think), but when he's depressingly ranting that he can't be in relationships because he's asking to much of me, is egoïstic and self-absorbed... I won't say "yeah you're hitting the nail on the head."

Flowerpath, you must be going through a rough time now. Realizing it's an illness and coming to grips with it is the most difficult part.

[waverider]

Acceptance takes an evolution that often needs to pass through a stage of effectively role playing it.

Aiming for "normality" just sets you up for failure.

Acceptance is also a two way thing, you have to be able to accept a lot about yourself too, including when you fail to live up to what you hoped you could do.

You even have to accept at times you will fail to accept your partner and fall into old expectations.

You can only do your best, there is rarely an "end result"

[flowerpath]

Thank you, ziniztar.  It is rough.  Until now, the only time I ever cried about his behavior was when I was pregnant with our younger son, and even then it was rare, and never in front of him.   Today, it’s not even the behavior I get teary eyed about.  It’s the whole picture of how his mind works.   But now, in what seems to be a normal conversation (just because there is no rant), at least I can see the skewed perspectives more clearly, and know the reason why the things he says rub like sandpaper.

Waverider, I didn’t realize it, but role playing acceptance is exactly what I am doing right now, and it helped tremendously for you to make me aware of that.  We fall down, we get up.  It helps to know that expecting normality is not realistic and that this is an open-ended story.   

[waverider]

Thank you, ziniztar.  It is rough.  Until now, the only time I ever cried about his behavior was when I was pregnant with our younger son, and even then it was rare, and never in front of him.   Today, it’s not even the behavior I get teary eyed about.  It’s the whole picture of how his mind works.   But now, in what seems to be a normal conversation (just because there is no rant), at least I can see the skewed perspectives more clearly, and know the reason why the things he says rub like sandpaper.

Waverider, I didn’t realize it, but role playing acceptance is exactly what I am doing right now, and it helped tremendously for you to make me aware of that.  We fall down, we get up.  It helps to know that expecting normality is not realistic and that this is an open-ended story.   

It is like learning another language, you get the book and go to class.

First you learn the words get a handle on the translations

Then you start to string sentences together, often getting them wrong

This is easier to do at first on paper than is to say.

You move on to be able to vaguely follow a foreign movie.

You can then hold a full conversation with a native speaker, but miss a lot of the nuances and misinterpret some things.

It reaches a stage where the native speaker doesn't need to speak slowly, but you still loose it when they get agitated or start using local dialect and slang.

Eventually you can start to think in that language, without translating.

At this stage you are fluent but you will still have your accent of origin and would struggle to pass yourself off as native.

As you can see it is long path, learning to communicate with a disordered mind is similar. You have not failed if you dont make it to the end, every step of the journey is a win.

[ziniztar]

It is like learning another language, you get the book and go to class.

First you learn the words get a handle on the translations

Then you start to string sentences together, often getting them wrong

This is easier to do at first on paper than is to say.

You move on to be able to vaguely follow a foreign movie.

You can then hold a full conversation with a native speaker, but miss a lot of the nuances and misinterpret some things.

It reaches a stage where the native speaker doesn't need to speak slowly, but you still loose it when they get agitated or start using local dialect and slang.

Eventually you can start to think in that language, without translating.

At this stage you are fluent but you will still have your accent of origin and would struggle to pass yourself off as native.

As you can see it is long path, learning to communicate with a disordered mind is similar. You have not failed if you dont make it to the end, every step of the journey is a win.

I have a little bootlet where I write down inspiring stuff that people say here. So I don't forget and they can help me when I need it the most. This one is going in  .