Diagnosis + Treatment
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ]
Five Dimensions of Human Personality
Think It's BPD but How Can I Know?
DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders
Treatment of BPD [ Video ]
Getting a Loved One Into Therapy
Top 50 Questions Members Ask
Home page
Forum
List of discussion groups
Making a first post
Find last post
Discussion group guidelines
Tips
Romantic relationship in or near breakup
Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD
Sibling or Parent with BPD
Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD
Partner or Spouse with BPD
Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship
Tools
Wisemind
Ending conflict (3 minute lesson)
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Setting boundaries
On-line CBT
Book reviews
Member workshops
About
Mission and Purpose
Website Policies
Membership Eligibility
Please Donate
May 11, 2024, 03:43:28 AM
Welcome,
Guest
. Please
login
or
register
.
1 Hour
5 Hours
1 Day
1 Week
Forever
Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins:
Kells76
,
Once Removed
,
Turkish
Senior Ambassadors:
Cat Familiar
,
EyesUp
,
SinisterComplex
Help!
Boards
Please Donate
Login to Post
New?--Click here to register
Experts share their discoveries
[video]
100
Caretaking - What is it all about?
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
A perspective on BPD
Ivan Spielberg, PhD
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
> Topic:
Heartbroken
Pages: [
1
]
Go Down
« previous
next »
Print
Author
Topic: Heartbroken (Read 403 times)
Surfergirl88
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 5
Heartbroken
«
on:
January 26, 2016, 12:11:12 PM »
My ex has BPD with elements of NPD. He had a history of violence(not domestic), addiction, self harm and depression. However, he's artistic, successful, and can be an amazing man. He pursued me hard and we had a wonderful few months together.
Then he started devaluing me-always pushing my sexual boundaries, telling me he loved me then Disappearing for days. He had told me nobody loved him and he doesn't trust women. I tried very hard to be loving and caring. He spoke of future plans with me, and would be super affectionate.
He went to travel for work for 2 months and totally neglected me. When I would bring it up, he would explode at me and tell me how hard his life is and how selfish I am. After nearly a month of the silent treatment, he posted photos on social media of he and a girl half his age. He then called me as if nothing was wrong. She also lives on a different continent and has no job. He doesn't like dating women who can't provide for themselves. I was shocked.
I confronted him and he called me crazy.
It's been a month and I haven't contacted him. I know I sound crazy for wanting him back, but I know underneath it all he's a loving person. Up until 6 months in, he was my dream man.
Will he come back? How can I get him back?
In the past when he disappeared he would always come back to me. I miss him so much.
Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.
livednlearned
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12759
Re: Heartbroken
«
Reply #1 on:
January 26, 2016, 03:46:25 PM »
Hi Surfergirl88,
Welcome and hello
These push/pull spells can be so painful. I'm sorry you're hurting, and glad you found the site.
When the two of you have separated/split in the past, who is usually the person to make first contact? How long have the two of you been together (including on/off)?
People with BPD have very unstable relationship skills, and can go from clingy to distant in a matter of seconds, sometimes for no apparent reason. It can really mess with our hearts and minds. What would you like to happen going forward?
Logged
Breathe.
Lucky Jim
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6211
Re: Heartbroken
«
Reply #2 on:
January 26, 2016, 04:08:23 PM »
Hey Surfergirl88, I'm sorry to learn what you are going through. I've been in your shoes, believe me. As LnL says, there is a push/pull dynamic that typifies most BPD relationships, which is extremely hard to comprehend. If you're like me, you may find yourself looking for reasons or answers to things that really have no answer or rational basis, which is why a BPD r/s can be so exhausting. Things that trigger a reaction one day will change the next day, so it's a moving target. The best suggestion I can give you at the moment is to focus on taking care of yourself and figuring out what is the right path for you. Put your energy where your power is, i.e., in the things you can change and/or control (usually just yourself).
LuckyJim
Logged
A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Surfergirl88
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 5
Re: Heartbroken
«
Reply #3 on:
January 26, 2016, 04:45:24 PM »
First of all, I want to thank you both for responding and being so kind. So many forums are extremely judgemental.
We started dating 9 months ago but were friends for a year before that.
In the past he's been the one to make contact after a silence. The last time it was about a month.
Because I told the OW about he and I, I worry he hates me now.
I am doing the best I can to take care of myself. I can't eat or sleep and I cry a lot. I'm sure you both know how these relationships can have such extreme highs that when they pull away it feels like the end of the world. I was a happy, confident young woman when he came along.
I miss him and I love him. I feel bad I called him a horrible person, but seeing a photo of the man you love gazing at a young girl is enough to make you upset.
Logged
livednlearned
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12759
Re: Heartbroken
«
Reply #4 on:
January 26, 2016, 06:23:10 PM »
I found this article helpful
when trying to understand the incredible heartache that you describe. Seeing someone you love with another romantic interest is extremely painful :'(
That article make me understand "protest" behaviors and my own insecure attachment style. People with BPD also have insecure (or what some researchers call "disorganized" attachment styles. Sometimes the break ups are so profound that can completely reset our attachment styles. Either way, the road back to a secure attachment style is something you can gift yourself. It also has the added bonus of making you more emotionally resilient if/when your BPD resurfaces in your life, which is critically important in a BPD relationship.
Logged
Breathe.
Surfergirl88
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 5
Re: Heartbroken
«
Reply #5 on:
January 27, 2016, 06:15:42 PM »
I know he's insecure. He always spoke of how he "drove away" his exes.
I miss him. I hope he doesn't hate me. I love him so much.
Logged
livednlearned
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12759
Re: Heartbroken
«
Reply #6 on:
January 27, 2016, 08:07:06 PM »
Quote from: Surfergirl88 on January 27, 2016, 06:15:42 PM
I miss him. I hope he doesn't hate me. I love him so much.
He may be feeling a lot of shame, and bad that he hurt you. Sometimes it can help to write down how you feel, as though you were talking to him. Is that something that might help?
Logged
Breathe.
Surfergirl88
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 5
Re: Heartbroken
«
Reply #7 on:
January 27, 2016, 09:06:38 PM »
When he was going through his cold periods I would write him letters I would never send. It helped.
When i confronted him and told him how much he hurt me, he called me crazy. Does he think I'm crazy? That hurt. I'm not crazy at all. I'm not stalking him and I haven't even texted him since the big fight.
Every day I wake up and wish he would call me.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Up
Print
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
> Topic:
Heartbroken
« previous
next »
Jump to:
Please select a destination:
-----------------------------
Help Desk
-----------------------------
===> Open board
-----------------------------
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
-----------------------------
=> Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
=> Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
=> Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
-----------------------------
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
-----------------------------
=> Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
=> Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
-----------------------------
Community Built Knowledge Base
-----------------------------
=> Library: Psychology questions and answers
=> Library: Tools and skills workshops
=> Library: Book Club, previews and discussions
=> Library: Video, audio, and pdfs
=> Library: Content to critique for possible feature articles
=> Library: BPDFamily research surveys
Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife
Loading...