A tragic end to a beautiful life

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hello everyone.  I write today because my beautiful daughter was killed tragically in a head-on automobile accident with a tractor trailer truck on April 28, 2013.  Over the past year I have had to distance myself from her.  She was 41 - almost 42 (bday would have been May 16, 2013).  Her diagnosis has been in place since early 2010 but she refused to stay in any kind of therapy. From 2010 to 2012, I helped her move a total of 10 times; and she started a new job 8 different times (she was a registered nurse with a bachelors degree in nursing).  I have had to watch as this disorder totally destroyed my daughter... . completely - emotionally, mentally and in the end, even physically.  She seemed to again be leaning towards anorexia and was down to a size 6 before she died.  She was in yet another relationship with a man that she met online - and in just one month became engaged to him.  Her cycle of getting her name on their checking accounts and gaining access to their credit cards had already started. 

She had broken off the engagement with him numerous times since March 1st of this year - and only met him the end of January, and moved in with him right away.  She is the mother of 3 boys - who have experienced her cycles of moves and unstable relationships. 

In the end, it was another fight with her off-again fiancée that ended up leading to her car wreck.  That, plus her cell phone seemed to also take control over her brain waves - the cell phone became in control of her at all times.  She had just left a voice message for a new friend - just before the wreck - the voice message said that she didn't think the new relationship was going to work out; that he was not very forgiving; and that she felt like she was having a nervous breakdown.

We find ourselves now caring for three young boys who no longer have their Mom.  We are angry with this disease!  There is no medicine and no way for a person who suffers from it to find help.  My daughter could not control her impulses.  She purchased expensive items that she didn't need and could not afford.  She was never happy - she moved all of the time.  She got to the point where she could not hold a job - for a variety of reasons - the people didn't treat her right was the big one.  She went from relationship to relationship and they all ended the same way - money became the big problem.  Her life became totally disorganized and chaos.  She visited emergency rooms constantly for all kinds of reasons, however, I requested all of her medical records and the test results always came back negative.  She suffered from very low self-esteem - was always super, super self-conscious of the way she looked externally - that seemed to be why she always needed very expensive clothing, shoes, purses - many items never ever had the tags removed from them.

Her father, brother and I are angry with a psychiatric and psychological profession that has no research dollars dedicated to finding out what causes something like this to happy to a person - and more importantly, research to help people know how to manage this disease - my screams to my psychologist were always the same:  Why did she have this?  Where did it come from?  Why can't anyone do anything to help her?

During one session I was told to prepare myself for the worse.  That I could very likely find her along the side of the road; or in jail; or she could kill herself.  I got her convinced to go to a facility for help several times, but no one would ever admit her because at that point she was not suicidal.  Apparently, you have to want to kill yourself before you can get help in the psychiatric world we live in.

And so, my daughter is now finally at peace in Heaven.  I still struggle to this day with the questions above... . why did she have this disease?  Why couldn't anyone help her?  Why isn't there more research dollars committed to finding out what happens in the brain to cause a person to develop a mental disease such as this.

Thank you all for listening.  Rest in peace, baby girl... . I love you always and forever, beyond the end of time

[crazyworld]

Hello everyone.  I write today because my beautiful daughter was killed tragically in a head-on automobile accident with a tractor trailer truck on April 28, 2013.  Over the past year I have had to distance myself from her.  She was 41 - almost 42 (bday would have been May 16, 2013).  Her diagnosis has been in place since early 2010 but she refused to stay in any kind of therapy. From 2010 to 2012, I helped her move a total of 10 times; and she started a new job 8 different times (she was a registered nurse with a bachelors degree in nursing).  I have had to watch as this disorder totally destroyed my daughter... . completely - emotionally, mentally and in the end, even physically.  She seemed to again be leaning towards anorexia and was down to a size 6 before she died.  She was in yet another relationship with a man that she met online - and in just one month became engaged to him.  Her cycle of getting her name on their checking accounts and gaining access to their credit cards had already started. 

She had broken off the engagement with him numerous times since March 1st of this year - and only met him the end of January, and moved in with him right away.  She is the mother of 3 boys - who have experienced her cycles of moves and unstable relationships. 

In the end, it was another fight with her off-again fiancée that ended up leading to her car wreck.  That, plus her cell phone seemed to also take control over her brain waves - the cell phone became in control of her at all times.  She had just left a voice message for a new friend - just before the wreck - the voice message said that she didn't think the new relationship was going to work out; that he was not very forgiving; and that she felt like she was having a nervous breakdown.

We find ourselves now caring for three young boys who no longer have their Mom.  We are angry with this disease!  There is no medicine and no way for a person who suffers from it to find help.  My daughter could not control her impulses.  She purchased expensive items that she didn't need and could not afford.  She was never happy - she moved all of the time.  She got to the point where she could not hold a job - for a variety of reasons - the people didn't treat her right was the big one.  She went from relationship to relationship and they all ended the same way - money became the big problem.  Her life became totally disorganized and chaos.  She visited emergency rooms constantly for all kinds of reasons, however, I requested all of her medical records and the test results always came back negative.  She suffered from very low self-esteem - was always super, super self-conscious of the way she looked externally - that seemed to be why she always needed very expensive clothing, shoes, purses - many items never ever had the tags removed from them.

Her father, brother and I are angry with a psychiatric and psychological profession that has no research dollars dedicated to finding out what causes something like this to happy to a person - and more importantly, research to help people know how to manage this disease - my screams to my psychologist were always the same:  Why did she have this?  Where did it come from?  Why can't anyone do anything to help her?

During one session I was told to prepare myself for the worse.  That I could very likely find her along the side of the road; or in jail; or she could kill herself.  I got her convinced to go to a facility for help several times, but no one would ever admit her because at that point she was not suicidal.  Apparently, you have to want to kill yourself before you can get help in the psychiatric world we live in.

And so, my daughter is now finally at peace in Heaven.  I still struggle to this day with the questions above... . why did she have this disease?  Why couldn't anyone help her?  Why isn't there more research dollars committed to finding out what happens in the brain to cause a person to develop a mental disease such as this.

Thank you all for listening.  Rest in peace, baby girl... . I love you always and forever, beyond the end of time

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mggt]

Dear crazy world, I am so sorry for your loss   

[cleanandsober]

Words cannot express how very sad this awful tragedy has happened to your beautiful daughter... . my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.  Please try to stay connected to some kind of support system.  This board is full of very nice people who are very compassionate and understanding.  God be with you... .

[six]

crazyworld

I am so sorry to hear this tragic story.  you are living thru what we all fear.  you are in my prayers

6

[Reality]

Dear crazyworld,

My heart weeps for your loss.  It is wrong, as you say.  It is indeed a crazy world.

There are many kind souls here on this board.  May we offer you solace with our words.

Reality

[jellibeans]

crazyworld

I am so sorry for your loss... . I have a tears for you and your dd. Truly very sad and heartbreaking. Believe you did all you could for her and more. It is hard to watch a pwBPD and not feel their pain.  

[twojaybirds]

First my heartfelt condolences to you.  I pray your daughter is now at peace free from chaos.

You have stated so much of what we fear and fight against every day.  Chaos, need, searching, lack of support or understanding.

I am greatful for this board, for your sharing and our dcolletive insights into each others hopes and fears.

I pray your anger disappates over time and you can find peace and joy in your life.

TJB

[Clearmind]

Bless crazyworld and I am so sorry for your loss and you are right - she is at peace. I can completely understand your anger and trust that you and the family are comforting each other right now.

We are here for you... . please take care   

[vivekananda]

Dear crazyworld,

Please accept my deepest sympathy for you and your family. May your beautiful daughter rest in peace.

Your grief is palpable and understandable. You have so many questions and there are never any easy answers. I hope in time you will feel easier and you can hear the answers to your questions.

Cheers,

Vivek    

[qcarolr]

crazyworld -    There are no words to express my sorrow at the loss of your daughter, and the loss to your grandsons of their mom.

I will be keeping you and these children in my prayers for healing. Let us know how things are going as you shift from the grief of loss during your D's painful life to the grief of loss now that she is gone. We do love our kids for always and forever.

qcr  

[Want2know]

This is very sad and tragic, crazyworld.  :'(

You have found a good place here to hopefully get some answers to the questions you have and gain the support that you need to work through your grief.  I am very sorry for your loss, and hope that we can help ease your pain in some way.

Big hugs to you and your family.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Suzn]

My thoughts and prayers are with you crazyworld, I'm so very sorry for your loss.  

Take good care of you and your family.  

[swampped]

Dear crazyworld:  My heart goes out to you in the loss of your dd.  How old are your grandsons?  Do you have anyone to help you with them?  You are right---the anger and questions go on forever.  My father committed suicide many years ago, and I still ache to have answers to those questions.  May you find peace in your life and knowledge that your dd is indeed at peace now.  You did everything possible to help her, and now you must take care of yourself for the sake of your family and those wonderful grandsons.  You will be in my thoughts and prayers.   Swampped     

[pessim-optimist]

Dear crazyworld,      

May you find comfort with passing time and with your grandsons growing into wonderful men.

Children are forever. Your dd will be in your heart forever. May your grandsons continue to know her through your love for her and for them... .    

[js friend]

Iam so sorry for your loss crazyworld. It is such an all round tradgedy, but know now that your dd is finally at peace... .

My heart goes out to you and your family  

[lbjnltx]

So very sad to hear that you have lost your daughter.  We are here for you.

 

lbjnltx

[griz]

Dear Crazyworld:  I cannot express the saddness in my heart as I read your words.  I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.

Griz

[crazyworld]

Thank you all for your kind words.  The remarkable part about all of this to me at this point is the general public's lack of knowledge and understanding about this mental disease.  I am now calling it a mental disease.  My daughter could never accept the diagnosis of something called borderline personality disorder.  When we think about it - seriously... . who would want to be told that they have something called that name... . especially a person who actually does have the disorder?  The first course of action, to me, is to work towards finding a different way to describe this mental disease.  My daughter was soon becoming unable to work - could she have ever qualified for disability?  I doubt it - mainly because this disorder, by name, is not understood by anyone. 

I believe that she died from borderline personality disorder - however, the public will believe that she died from an automobile accident.  Not true - she died from this mental disease that was ravaging her entire body, mind and soul.  At one point in this journey, I was planning to write a book- I even had the names for each chapter and the title of the book.  I may continue down that path or pursue lobbying efforts to push for funding for mental illnesses and mind diseases such as this one.  Every day was a challenge for my daughter... . she was not in control of her life and she ran from anyone who tried to help her. 

Her journey is over now and God has called her home to have peace and joy.  Her boys are 14, 13, and 10.  I struggle with telling anyone about what was wrong with my daughter.  Therefore, this does become a hidden disease - one that we keep in the closet - to protect our loved ones and ourselves.  I have begun to tell my friends that my daughter suffered from a mental disease currently named, "borderline personality disorder".  I do not think this "name" is accurate and it creates a stigma for the people suffering from it.  If my daughter had heard a different named diagnosis, would she have been more receptive to treatment?  I will never know.  I do know that as a registered nurse, she struggled with hearing the diagnosis because there was no medication, nothing that could be done.  In her medical world, this made no sense to her - so she just continued to run from it all.

I will continue to work towards this cause, trust me on that one!

[Validation78]

Dear Crazyworld!

I am so sorry to hear of your daughter's tragic passing, and will pray for her peace, your family and her precious children.

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Reality]

Dear crazyworld,

I hesitate to post this personal information on your thread, as my thoughts are with you.  I, too, lost a son to untreated BPD.

Here is his obituary:

Will L died as valiantly as he lived, alone, a warrior's death. He lived life on his own terms, brilliantly perceptive, articulate, straight from the heart. Like his grandfather, William Graydon, he left this world with dignity, just going along in his happy-go-lucky way.Will was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder this January after 8 years of endless consultations. A dear family friend noticed his symptoms and after a four-month wait, Camh was finally able to confirm the diagnosis. Simply put, Borderline develops when a highly-sensitive person meets with an invalidating environment, be it at school, in the home or in everyday life... . often there has been bullying. People with this 'disorder' tend to be highly intelligent, funny and interestingly, rather good-looking. Unfortunately, these gifts mask the dilemma and people with BPD are seen as being manipulative when they deal with their sensitivity in less effective ways, as they seem to have so many natural gifts.The diagnosis came too late... . the rest of us, we were privileged to enjoy Will's humour, bonhommie, good will and dancing intellect. Will's e-mail was smile-at-death and he surely did, knowing there was always more to reality than meets the eye.

An untreated woman with BPD, undiagnosed for 20 years by the Chief of Psychiatry at one of our major, world-renowned Toronto hospitals, said she read this obituary just when she was ready to give up... . her life.  She saw my son's photo, how beautiful and full of life he was and was determined to seek out therapy.  She, herself, happened to hear about BPD from a meeting held with a family who also lost their beautiful daughter to too-late dx BPD and then no available treatment here in Toronto.  This girl had been suicidal since 15 and was classic BPD.

So... . ironically, in Will's death, the truth outed there in our national newspaper and it inspired this woman to seek treatment and try one more time.  She has told me that the one phrase, My feelings are not facts, helps her immensely.

Your beautiful daughter will not be forgotten by us.  We hear your story.  We hear her story.  Others will hear her story and being borderline, being highly-sensitive, will be seen as the gift it is.

Reality

PS - Sorry to hi-jack your thread.  Just wanted you to know, I am in the world of the grieving mothers.

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, crazyworld   

I'm so sorry to hear this about your daughter. This is the worst fear any of us with children with BPD (however old they are) have... . I'm sure you know that we are all here for you, and if you need comfort and support or help while raising your wonderful grandchildren, we are available  24/7... .

I read in one of the BPD books I have, that there is some sort of validation of your desire for the Dx to be changed from "Borderline Personality Disorder" to something with less of a stigma attached; I believe one of the names would be "Emotional Dysfunction Disorder" or something like that. Not sure how much better that would be, but the idea of making the Dx less stigmatized is out there. I think writing that book you have in mind is a great idea; the outside world has no idea what harm it does to people with mental health issues by not understanding or being willing to address them properly. Keep fighting the good fight!

Reality: Thanks for giving us that information; I know it must've been hard to do, but it was a wonderful obituary. Your son (and ALL of our BPD children!) was much more than his Dx, and his good and caring heart shone through.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ScarletOlive]

Hi crazyworld,

Just wanted to say that I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending you my sympathy, and support.   

[heronbird]

So so very sorry to hear this tragic news. We all live in fear of it happening to our loved ones, and if we do not live in fear it can actually happen.

Personally, I prefer to call it Borderline Personality. Thats still stupid but its better than the disorder bit.

Your personality is you! imagine saying you are disordered, you dont stand a chance do you    

It is a horrible illness, it breaks my heart every story I read   

[Being Mindful]

Dear crazyworld,

My deepest sympathy to you and your family. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[Surnia]

Crazyworld

A big big   for you. I cannot express how touched I am about your loss. You are in my heart and I send you strength to go through this!   

I can understand your struggle with the name of the disorder. I see also a gap in our culture about physical illness and mental illness. There is much less knowledge and understanding about mental illness in our society.

We are here for you, crazyworld.   

[BioAdoptMom3]

Please accept my sincere condolences for the loss of your beautiful daughter!  I am so sorry!  My prayers support you and those precious boys!  Please also know that we are here for you!

[mil2bpd]

So sad, Crazyworld and so terribly tragic to hear of the loss of your daughter, and the mother of your grandsons.

I find it appalling that there is such lack of knowledge surrounding this PD. I once heard it's because there's still so much stigma surrounding it, it's not a "trendy" disease that a celebrity will step up to admitting they have and are in treatment for -- it took years for celebrities to acknowledge bipolar disorder and bring some attention to that but at least there's some medication and some type of treatment that they can turn to for a "fix" or point to brain chemistry it seems. For BPD, or the proposed new terminology, Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, so far there's really no one who has formally stepped forward to say, "This is me, this is what I have and why I struggled and how I'm fought this disorder", someone who has committed to DBT or any other long term treatment so publicly. Until such time, it seems like there will remain a black cloud of secrecy and ignorance around the illness.

It's such a lonely feeling for those of us who are unable to have others understand and it must compound your grief even more. I'm glad you found this community to help share your burden and sorrow.


MIL

[crazyworld]

Thank you all... . I remember when I accidentally found this forum for parents of children with BPD.  What a relief it was for me!  For a while, I was actually starting to feel like I was going crazy, too.    It felt like there was no help for my daughter, and no place for me to express my feelings as her mother, who was often on the receiving end of what I began to call "episodes". 

My heart aches for the other parents out there who have walked in my same shoes.  How helpless it feels to know that your child has a condition that cannot be treated.  How helpless it feels to just stand on the curb and watch their behavior and yet have no ability to help or assist them in any way.  Instead, we are told to talk to them a certain way... . I remember absolutely hating that!  When I started trying to do that, it was the beginning of losing my daughter and my relationship with her.   That was the beginning of me starting to treat her differently - and she was very intelligent and she knew immediately what I was doing and it was hurtful to her, I know that now.

My daughter and I were very, very close - we actually looked so much alike.  Once in a therapy session with her, they asked her what she was most afraid of?  She looked at me and immediately started to cry and said, "losing my Mom".  I am a breast cancer survivor and I believe that experience terrified my daughter - she thought I would die.  That was 19 years ago, but I look back and think that may have been a trigger for her disorder. 

Her oldest asked me one day after she died, "gramma, what was really wrong with Mom".  I struggled with how to answer him, and said something like "Mommy just had a hard time controlling her emotions - sometimes they just took control over her and she couldn't help it".  He got that immediately and responded with "you are right, Gramma. I think Mommy just loved us too much."  He knew that she could never resist getting them what they wanted - even if she could not afford it - she wanted everything for them - she loved them with her entire being.

On the day of her visitation, it may sound strange, but I got a very strong feeling from my departed daughter - it was something that I will never forget.  She was trying to help me, I know that now.  the message was something like - Mom, I've been in hospice - I've been slowly dying and there is no cure - just like with cancer.  It is OK Mom, there is no cure and I am now with God where I am healthy again.  For some reason, on that day I seemed to understand it better.  There was no cure - she was slowing getting worse and worse and it was in fact terminal.  I get that now.  The big problem is that the medical and psychiatric world does NOT get it.

Thank you all for being out there for me - this is so therapeutic for me - that  book is in my mind a lot - I will keep you all posted.

Hugs to you all - especially to those Moms who are living life as me - without the physical presence of my child in my life

[Surnia]

Her oldest asked me one day after she died, "gramma, what was really wrong with Mom".  I struggled with how to answer him, and said something like "Mommy just had a hard time controlling her emotions - sometimes they just took control over her and she couldn't help it".  He got that immediately and responded with "you are right, Gramma. I think Mommy just loved us too much."  He knew that she could never resist getting them what they wanted - even if she could not afford it - she wanted everything for them - she loved them with her entire being.

What a beautiful talk - made me cry immediately.

 

[vivekananda]

Hugs to you all - especially to those Moms who are living life as me - without the physical presence of my child in my life

Thank you crazyworld, please accept my love in return.

Vivek    

[MammaMia]

Crazyworld, Reality, and everyone else on the Board who has lost a loved one to BPD -

Your posts are heartbreaking.  There but for the grace of God goes every one of us.

I often feel pwBPD are on loan to us from God.  It makes me very angry that we have so few options with this disorder.  We are sucked up into a tornado of destruction and despair... . and there is nothing we can do to stop it.  BPD is the cruelest of mental illnesses.  It destroys everyone and everything in its path.

We do the best we can with the situation we have.  I personally pray and pray and pray for my son's safety.  It is horrible to live in fear all the time.  I have tried to prepare myself for the future with him and how he may be abruptly taken from me.  It sickens me but there is nothing I can do but accept the reality of this disorder.

Dear Lord, please help us all to survive.  Heal our hearts, our minds, and grant us peace.  But most of all, please give our loved ones the strength to battle BPD every single day and keep them safe. 

[griz]

Crazyworld:  Your words to your grandson were so touching and the fact that he got it doesn't surprise me.  I always feel like children truly understand. They have no preconceived notions, no judgements, they see things for what they are and he was probably right... . Mommy did love them too much.  In all the heartbreak for these boys, what a wonderful memory to have.

My DD's issues began right after she learned that I had had thyroid cancer before she was born.  I believe that was the trigger for her also.  Her fear of losing me.  She also told me one time that her biggest fear was something happening to me that she "knew" she couldn't go on if that ever happened.

What a fearful way to live.  I am glad you felt your daughters presence and I believe that she is in a better place.

Griz