Quarantine Ruminations

[Depression = 72% of members]

With the majority of the world in lockdown, how is everyone dealing with the increase in thoughts and ruminations of their ex as a result of staying at home all day? For me personally, I have noticed a significant increase in ruminations and it has been difficult to dampen all the negative feelings associated with it. It has been 10 months since my ex and I broke up, and every morning I wake up in disbelief that someone I trusted so deeply and had a high intensity relationship for a number of years was capable of putting me through the devaluation stage so insidiously.

[gman29]

With the majority of the world in lockdown, how is everyone dealing with the increase in thoughts and ruminations of their ex as a result of staying at home all day? For me personally, I have noticed a significant increase in ruminations and it has been difficult to dampen all the negative feelings associated with it. It has been 10 months since my ex and I broke up, and every morning I wake up in disbelief that someone I trusted so deeply and had a high intensity relationship for a number of years was capable of putting me through the devaluation stage so insidiously.

[JNChell]

These are difficult times, and I wonder about how the members here are coping. We’re all in different stages. I’m sorry that the ruminations are hitting you hard, but that is a normal thing when coming out of these relationships. I imagine it’s even harder when you’re stuck at home.

Devaluation is a mind bending thing to go through. Even 10 months later, it can still be with us.

What is on your mind right now?

[Turkish]

 My ex's non profit laid off most of their workforce. She's ok for two more months because her contract is funded until then. I'm ruminating on whether or not she'll ask to move back of she gets laid off.  Personally, I'm ok for the rest of the month. If things continue through May, IDK. This is a whole other world now. 

I can imagine ruminating from a recent break up would be so much harder.  Thankfully, we can still get out. I rode my bike to the park a mile and back today just to get some sun, and off Netflix (or chores!).

[gman29]

@Turkish- What is your plan if your ex reaches out to you in a time of need, do you feel obligated to provide for her still?

@JNChell- While a lot of people keep busy putting together puzzles, ruminating over the relationship is like trying to put together the puzzle pieces of your ex upwBPD, even though you know there will always being missing pieces and can never be completed. And then, you feel unsure if all the pieces were actually there and maybe you're the incompetent one. I've felt the continuous cycle of puzzle solving in my head that's hard to break out of especially during times like these.

[once removed]

there are ways to deal with and manage ruminations. they can help.

honestly, for me, it helped for me to find focused ways of getting them out...bounce them off someone (with reasonable limits) who would listen, or to write them.

whats on your mind?

[JNChell]

Hello, gman29. I like your analogy. One thing that might help you is to try to stop being so hard on yourself. These things aren’t a matter of incompetence, they simply are what they are. The relationship didn’t work. Perhaps it was just incompatibility?

pwBPD are very hard to navigate and have relationships with. At the same time, it’s hard for them to navigate us. There are members here that are managing to do this, but it takes a HUGE amount of energy, time, patience and learning to keep things somewhat cohesive. I, unfortunately, don’t have what it takes to be in a relationship that takes that. I wish I did because I share a child with my ex. But, it is what it is.

The puzzle that you speak of is your’s to assemble as you see fit. If there are missing pieces, they can eventually be found, or carved out by you.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey gman29, I agree w/JNChell:  Don't beat yourself up!  Sad to say, most BPD relationships are not built to last.  Just the way it is with BPD.  The stress is too great over the long haul, which is why a lot of us Nons are here on the Detaching Board.  As JNChell puts it:

it takes a HUGE amount of energy, time, patience and learning to keep things somewhat cohesive.

Like you, gman29, I spent a lot of time ruminating until I realized that I would never "get to the bottom" of BPD.

I suggest that you treat yourself with care and consideration, and let go of the regrets.  You're human, like the rest of us.  You did the best you could, and now it's time to move on.

LuckyJim

[gman29]

Thanks everyone for the words of advice. My intellectual brain knows better but my emotional brain wanders, and it has amplified 10 fold in this quarantine. I think the hardest part for me has been ruminating about the fact that I was to blame for everything. I know intellectually it wasn't all my fault. But emotionally just knowing that someone else who I deeply cared for actually thinks in their own head that it's all my fault is very earth shattering for me. I think I've forgiven myself, but not receiving that forgiveness from someone I loved, for my mistakes, has opened up some wounds that are hard to emotionally detach from. I have been NC for majority of 10 months except contacting the ex regarding logistical things in an amicable way. I have the urge to ask for forgiveness and finally get that validation I desire, to ask if almost a year later she can say she forgives me. I feel she might give it to me as she is more of a Waif than a Rager. I feel strong enough to handle a response that I won't necessarily like. But I also don't know if it's something worth trying to accomplish.

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Gman-

Definitely not a good feeling when we are stuck in this quarantine. Ruminating is something I find myself falling into again and again. Some days will pass and I’m okay- happy even, realizing how many people care about me was a shock, but something I work on in therapy. My ex was very emotionally abusive and did blame me for everything. So many times I apologized and was so hurt inside because I knew I didnt do anything, but I couldnt take the pain of her silent treatments and she said horrible things to me that made me doubt myself. 6 months since her sudden breakup with me that was hurtful, I can feel and see my soul reappearing. I was so deep into my ex’s version of reality (that was not based in fact) , that I had lost my soul. I was just used.

2.5 yrs we were together. So why now would I care and ruminate? For me, there may be something about her not contacting me, like I am still shocked she could care less if I’m alive or dead. I have reason to believe that she might lime it if I called, but then I’d be her punching bag again.. so I cant do that.
So I encourage you to really figure out what it is about not being with your ex(not contact) that is bothering you? Is it the quiet? Is it thinking about the future b/c your ex isnt a part of it? So what does that mean? Somehow there is something about that for me. Boundaries are for us to keep standards about our values too. How you want to be treated? My ex would violate the boundary if I called. Now do I wish she would call? Yes. Will she? Prob not. 

Its hard to be figuring out what to decide in this situation. But whatever you do, its so importantbto keep remembering that the ex is who they are. That behavior will still be there. Tx for your question. You are making me think.

[JNChell]

Your brain and your heart will battle for a while. It’s normal. These relationships are very intense. In fact, they can cause chemical changes in our brains. It’s ok. It takes a minute to regain our footing. The best way to do that is to start thinking about yourself. Allow yourself to feel your emotions and really start to grieve the relationship. The first step is letting go.

[once removed]

I think I've forgiven myself, but not receiving that forgiveness from someone I loved, for my mistakes, has opened up some wounds that are hard to emotionally detach from.

what wounds has it opened up?

[gman29]

When this happened almost a year ago, I thought i'd be further down the road in terms of healing by this moment in time. My first ex was also BPD, I was able to get over it in 6-7 months. This time around, the first 3 months were the worst, and then the emotion dampens, but i have not felt a further dampening in emotion or thought process about it since then. The only time my emotion has dampened is with the distraction of day to day life, which is now lacking as a result of quarantine. Without diving too deep, I think I do have previous wounds from childhood, about not trusting my parents' emotional stability and also being trained to be very critical of myself. I never think of these wounds consciously but i'm sure they're ingrained into me subconsciously. Understanding this is probably why we tend to give empathy to those with BPD, because their upbringing was also out of their control.

[once removed]

i dont know if her forgiveness would heal your wounds.

it would help to know what she blames you for, specifically. how much of this do you take responsibility for?