What was your final straw?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello Family,

I usually reside on the Staying board, and occasionally on the Undecided board. I know we all deal with an astronomical amount of stress and strife in the course of a relationship with a BPD SO. I am close to a point of resentment that I feel I cannot return from. Recent events have left me feeling empty and burned out. I came over to Leaving to ask the residents here a question, if not for justification of my current state, then to simply relate to others with a similar state of mind.

What was the "final straw" that broke you? How did you recognize that you were done?

Thank you guys in advance. This place has already provided me with an invaluable amount of insight to this point. I feel like I am in uncharted waters in my relationship and posting here on the Leaving board breaks my heart but feels appropriate for my current situation.

[Proud_Dad]

Hello Family,

I usually reside on the Staying board, and occasionally on the Undecided board. I know we all deal with an astronomical amount of stress and strife in the course of a relationship with a BPD SO. I am close to a point of resentment that I feel I cannot return from. Recent events have left me feeling empty and burned out. I came over to Leaving to ask the residents here a question, if not for justification of my current state, then to simply relate to others with a similar state of mind.

What was the "final straw" that broke you? How did you recognize that you were done?

Thank you guys in advance. This place has already provided me with an invaluable amount of insight to this point. I feel like I am in uncharted waters in my relationship and posting here on the Leaving board breaks my heart but feels appropriate for my current situation.

[Bak86]

The moment i heard she told a coworker and a friend of hers that our relationship wasn't a big deal.

I don't have to put up with someone like that.

[Deeno02]

I think the final "Treat me Special or lose me" threat. Drove me into NC for about a week. When I decided to try and talk it out, she dumped me and was with another dude the next day. So I guess we did each other a favor. Except Im the one whose mentally F**ked over it.

[Pingo]

The first time I broke up with him was b/c he had been invading my privacy all week, reading my texts/fb messages, etc. and then I caught him stalking me when I was visiting with my friend.  He wouldn't cop to it and I told him I wanted a divorce.  That was the last 'straw'.  It was too nuts for me to excuse or rationalise.  I realised how much he scared me. Then we recycled two months later.  But things never felt right after that, he was way to smothering and I didn't trust him whatsoever.  I could see possessiveness in everything he said and did.  Then the second 'straw':  I had made the mistake of mentioning a r/s I had many years ago.  That was a no-no!  He wouldn't allow me to speak of other past r/ss.  He did a silent treatment for a couple of days.  When he finally admitted that he had been punishing me for talking about it I flipped out.  I told him he was nuts, psycho.  He didn't like that!  He tried to push me out of bed.  I threatened to call the police.  That crossed the boundary I said I'd never let him cross, physical abuse.  3 weeks later I asked him to move out.  I waited the 3 weeks because I wanted to be really calm when I said it, didn't want to question myself later whether I had acted rash... .it's been 3 mths since I've seen him.

[camuse]

Mine was after we broke up, when I realised she was lying to me about having replaced me, and using me as backup.

I went NC and heard she was devastated I'd found out the truth - she ended up at the doctor. She'd tried desperately to keep it from me.

Finding out was devastating, but it was what I needed to realise she was exactly what I thought, a lying, cheating, abusive low life. I never spoke to her after that and never will.

[freedom33]

I always thought that there would a special moment, an auspicious sign or something big that would tell me when I had enough. For me it was gradual and the tipping point was during a weekend we spend together in the country. I was worn down over 48 hours with provocations, baiting and punishing behaviours. Last day I just felt I had enough told her to never contact me again and left. Nothing major in the grand scheme of things (and if I compare it with previous stuff she has done) but it was the last drop in the bucket. I left her right there and blocked her from everything. What a relief.

[Inside]

What was the "final straw" that broke you? How did you recognize that you were done?

…after 3.5 years and 7 recycles… it’s taken nearly the 10 months we’ve now been apart (and a lot of time around here ) to figure that out, and that’s with no help from my uBPDxgf…

The fact: every time we reconnected it lasted for less time, with an obvious loss of trust between us.  The event: I wasn’t invited to Thanksgiving with her family…  I was apparently fine to be ‘shown off’ to her neighbors, or have her out to my place for a weekend adventure, but when I was no longer allowed to spend time with her family, that confirmed our r/s was going nowhere.  

Sure, I knew of her uBPD, and she knew I knew… and no doubt feared me chatting with her boys, mom or family friends about ‘our problems.’  That situation where her/ their entire family loves you, and you them - but that’s too much for the BP to handle (cuz you must be talking about her)…

I’d spent 24 hours with her prior to that, and (unknowing to her) watched her very closely.  It’s like I was certain the r/s wasn’t going to last, as we couldn’t go 3 weeks between breakups (always initiated by her), and was looking for ‘proof’ that it could work.  I didn’t find it :'(  So on that Saturday night at 10, after she'd suggested we head to bed, I couldn’t.  Told her I felt like heading home, and did…

I next sent her a very extensive e-mail describing my confusion and concerns …no response.  She couldn’t, she hadn’t the answers or ability to proceed with a healthy relationship, so it’s over.

No blowup, just a gradual winding down of what (of course) had appeared to have been the last r/s of my life... . Just a culmination of dead ends.  I’d long refused to give her the drama she craved, and often demanded.  And when ‘I’ left … she actually was abandoned – so I’m sure I can never again be trusted

[Inside]

…I guess we did each other a favor. Except Im the one whose mentally F**ked over it.

You’re only temporarily F’d up over it – she’s permanently F’d up …and it’s only a matter of time until your replacement’s come up with a clever handle and joined our gang  

We lose, but they’re the ultimate losers ~

[walksoftly]

Last straw was when she was cheating on me with another man, told me about it , said she was leaving me for him and then got mad at me by kicking,punching and pushing me in front of our daughter. I got in my car to drive to the police to report her and she got in the car and started to provoke me by smashing the windshield with her fist, punching the heater vents and ripping apart my rosary. She screamed " Why don't you hit me!" and I just looked at her and shook my head in disbelief- she then took her cell phone and hit herself in the head with it ten times.

I drove to the police and saw a constable but didnt pursue it until I spoke with a good friend of mine who said I should report her- so I did. Turns out she told the police I was the one that hit her... .in the end, nothing happened.

Sounds like we are young adults doesnt it? In fact we are both well educated professionals who are both in our fourties. 

[jammo1989]

Her liking this guys FB pictures after i said, i know you like him, she denied it, she liked another picture 2 days later and i said i cant do this anymore, to many mind games, she said ok, the day after the same guy slept at hers and they were facebook official. Lol!

[Proud_Dad]

Thank you everyone for sharing, I know this sort of subject can be very triggering for those of us that have been through such duress. I think I am in the boat with Freedom33 and Inside, the slow grinding down of my will to continue. I can only imagine the sting felt by those of you who have been cheated on. My heart goes out to you all.

Thank you guys, keep it coming ... .

[fred6]

I don't know if I've had a final straw. Most here look like they did the breaking up. She cheated on me, told me to find a new home, and then acted more cold and detached than I have ever seen in my life from anyone. And 2 months later I left. Everything seemed ok up until then. I still don't know what happened

[Recooperating]

For me it was a slow but steady deteriation of the rs. I always thought it would be something "big" but in the end I endured the big onces and left over the small onces. In the end all of the BS combined got too much

He isolated me, sent an awefull letter to my dearest best friend talking ___ about me cause he felt threathned by her... .We broke up for 2 weeks then recycled... .So I stayed

A couple of months later accused me of being a lesbian, having an affair with that same best friend. Ehhh really? He went NC on me, we recycled again.

Then I found out he had moved in with another woman... .Cheated for 3 months, so the accusing me of cheating was actually a projection... .We decided to work it out.

Then physicall fights preventing him from killing himself... .After that he got diagnosed... .T. didnt help... .He got worse... .Rages, accusations, drama a lot of triangulation... .

In the end I broke up cause I got an official burn out and many anxiety attacks. Instead of being considerate, he now started verbally pounding on me every day. One day over yet another nonsense fight I broke up, called off our wedding 4 weeks before. Went NC, but broke it 4 weeks after.

Got back in touch, got the same old same old crap and he ended things with me cause I had set boundaries and didnt fall for the manipulations anymore. I was reliefed! NC 1 week now again. Being harrashed ofcourse, but staying strong. God I put up with to much crap and I lost my health and sanity. Doing so much better now!

[confusedandscared]

It took a lot of back and forth before it was finally over for me. I had a lot of breaking points and always took her back. Now I am in a different country with no plans to return there so I guess after everything that was my breaking point, staying here rather than going there. I always knew I would go back to her always if I was present, if you know what I mean?

[Mr Hollande]

After another episode of hers I finally got hold of her two days later only to be told she was with the guy she'd been seeing on and off during our last year together. A loser drug dealer who shouldn't be worthy to even lick the crud off her shoes. She was full of glee while saying how she loved him now and that I didn't matter anymore so that was it for me. It was too far gone for it to be me walking out at that moment. She had found her replacement and she was loving the pain it caused me but I swore that that was it. It was and it has been and it always will be the end product of our sh#t time together. The disgust I felt then remains and there is no way back in any capacity. There have been feelers from her since but the wall is up. I was a chump to let it go that far but for what it's worth this chump finally made a decision he kept. And I do hope she rots.

[Blimblam]

Every time she would draw me back in was a Trojan horse. I realized the abuse just would not stop unless I left. Or i cut myself off from the part of myself that feels love and somehow became a almost psychopath.

[FoolishMan]

I had dumped her for attacking me at her mums. I was leaving her that night just to go home to my bed. I'd just taken her on holiday and had several red flags. So I'd decided to leave her (for 13th time at this point) anyway she had been begging me back for a week and asked me to come and speak with her one last time. I was feeling the NC pain that I'd felt since week 3 when I tried to get away the first time (she tried a rape fantasy mid way thru sex) when I was driving to hers she asked if I'd slept with my ex while we were apart. I answered that that meant she prob had. She said "you are a fool if you think he is the one you've got to worry about!" When I asked who I had to worry about she wouldn't tell me, so it said, "tell me or I will find out and hurt him badly" she went mad so I decided he meant more to her than me. I said "do you even love me?" She said "more than anything!" I then told her I'd cheated on her every time she had suspected (projected). I hadn't but I wanted to hurt her back finally and it did, she writhed on the floor kicking and screaming for her mother (she's 26) I left. I changed all my numbers that day, deleted her and blocked her. She stalked me three weeks afterwards begging me to come back... .I caved. We had sex, stayed at a hotel. In the morning she said "sex wasn't the same. I'm going to be with XXXXXXX TONITE! I ended up begging and pleading, she was smug and horrible. Like I had been when I lied about cheating. She was never ever close to the same person afterwards. Green hair (she's blonde) massive gothic tattoo on her back (hated tats) pierced, drugs, public petting the whole works followed.

I'm so lucky that I did that too her as it allowed me time to heal as if I hadn't actually managed to hurt her I wouldn't have been given the time to view it all from a distance. NC is a gift. Time and willpower are the healers.

[imstronghere2]

When I found two pictures on my exwBPD's phone.  One was of her, naked from the waste down, holding a hand made sign that read "Property of (name of her now NPD husband)" and another one where she wrote on the mirror in her bathroom "Will you marry me (name of her now NPD husband)"  with a "heart U" at the bottom of it.

22.5 years with that woman and THAT was the real her.   

There was NO turning back after that.  I will NEVER be with a woman who advertises herself as "Property" of another man.

No and HELL NO.

That made filing for the divorce easy so I guess I should be thankful.   

[FoolishMan]

When I found two pictures on my exwBPD's phone.  One was of her, naked from the waste down, holding a hand made sign that read "Property of (name of her now NPD husband)" and another one where she wrote on the mirror in her bathroom "Will you marry me (name of her now NPD husband)"  with a "heart U" at the bottom of it.

22.5 years with that woman and THAT was the real her.   

There was NO turning back after that.  I will NEVER be with a woman who advertises herself as "Property" of another man.

No and HELL NO.

That made filing for the divorce easy so I guess I should be thankful.   

You know, that's the kind of ___ I had imagined would happen if we got married. Disgusting. I'm glad you got away from that.

[silentscream]

We're still legally married, although are separated. I came home from spending the night at a girlfriend's house because he was in an awful mood that weekend. He demanded to know why I was there, and told me to leave until the next day, when he was leaving for a business trip. I asked him why he was so angry, and he responded, "why are you so dumb?" ... .imitating my intonation. I picked up my keys and walked out of the house, and have not been back.

[Boss302]

My marriage had been set to fall for a LONG time, but the final straw was when BPDx yelled at my daughter, then 14, and told her that she didn't want to be in the same room with her, and didn't want to go to her choir concert. I told her that she either apologized or I was divorcing her. She did it again.

Game over.

I couldn't deal with what she was doing to the kids. Now I realize she was painting the poor kid black... .which she now does with regularity with her little sister (14).

[Proud_Dad]

Thank you everyone for sharing what I'm sure are traumatizing events from your past. It has helped me gain some perspective on my situation.   to you all.

[walksoftly]

Just got a message from her saying " get over me" and telling me to move on. God, my response was its difficult to move on when I only see my daughter every two weeks.

[ugghh]

Married to uBPDw for 26 years, divorce finalized in July. 

Like many others, not sure it was one triggering event as opposed to more of a wakening realization that she would never change.  Spent 18 months in counseling, and realized just how much damage she had done to myself and our kids. In November I told the counselor that I was pretty sure divorce was the only option but I thought it would take me another 18 months to be ready to file.

In the week after Thanksgiving I had started sleeping on the couch, because I actually needed sleep and one of her games was to keep me up until all hours with the typical BPD circular arguments.  It was also during that week that I reached to out my brother-in-law who is one of the kindest people I have ever met and had a conversation with him about why he divorced his first wife.  He met my sister about 5 years after his divorce and they dated another 5 years before they married.  He told me after much counseling and introspection, one day he realized "I don't want to spend the rest of my life living this way. Not one more day."  (His wife was lying and cheating on him even while in MC).  That statement really struck home with me.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life living this way. Not one more day.  - very simple, but very meaningful.

About 2 days later we were at the wake for an acquaintance, where the couple had been married for like 40 years. As we are standing in line to visit with family, in her BPD distorted way she starts going off about how wonderful this couple was, and how they were so dedicated to each other,  and that is all she wanted for our marriage and how I had let her down so many times.

That was the moment.  Nothing dramatic, just her being her and reinforcing that the likelihood of the next 20 years being any different than the last 26 were ZERO!  I told later that night i was done, and moved out, never to come back.

[Spartacus]

Wow! 26 years. I feel for you. Your line << I don't want to spend the rest of my life living this way. Not one more day.  - very simple, but very meaningful.>> is exactly what I felt and this after 3 years of escalating behaviour but only 3 weeks of marriage.

My final straw was bizarre but I think I was already detaching and was able to see what was happening from a distance. To describe it to people has proved really helpful in coming to terms with it all and speed my path on the way to healing.

So, I was late by no more than 2 minutes in collecting my uBPDw from the station, having left messages and texts explaining that I was on my way. It was only three weeks since our wedding and after a series of dysregulations and outbursts every other day which I thought I could manage/help fix. My late arrival was greeted with a rage based around how she had never been so disrespected in her life, that I was a workaholic (I had been playing evening cricket with work colleagues which had over-run) and that we should get an annulment. Up to this point I had been commuting driving 400 miles each day as she had refused to stay at my place (said to do so would make her feel as if she had been raped!) but wanted to be together every night as a rule. She was taking her workplace to tribunal for bullying and was on paid leave whilst her appeal went through (since thrown out) so she had no work to keep her there. She agreed to give me a rest from driving by coming and staying on a campsite cabin a mile away from my house. On the evening in question her mood was so bad that she insisted that she wanted to stay on her own that night and return home first thing in the morning. She said I could go and stay in my safe cave. I apologized for being late and told her that I would phone the next when we were both feeling calmer. I went back to my cricket match and a friend said it would ok to stay with his family for the night. I turned my phone off on his advice and had the best sleep in a long time. Next morning I turned up at work and am immediately taking a phonecall from the police. My uBPDw had reported me as a missing person whilst on the train back 200 miles to her place, which she had announced to be the marital home, as I had failed to find a new place to live in time. I then turned on my phone to find a stream of texts, phone messages, emails made through the night from her of increasing desperation looking for me. This was upsetting but completely of her own creation yet I was painted black for having turned my phone off. Then a really distressing phonecall from her to my workplace saying how she needed to see me. On no sleep she drove back 200 miles (her erratic driving always at 100mph). We met. I set my boundaries firmly on wanting some space and time to think about what was going on. She broke down in the street with a mixture of tears, begging on her knees, rage, pleading, shouting, child like voice. Really disturbing to witness and impossible to detach from.  I did not recognize this person at all. I had seen glimpses of moods, rages and dysregulation before but nothing this extreme. I was guilted into taking my responsibilities and vows seriously and I took her back to my house. No problems from her feeling unable to stay there this time. That day I felt something had broken. I told her. The relationship unravelled from there with increased paranoia on her part accusing me of having an affair, checking my phone/bags/laptop in the middle of the night on several occasions, moods and push and pull, and sleepless nights with her rocking to and fro in bed whilst hugging her toy bambi and calling for her dead dog. NC was my only choice. She had gone out for the day. I waited for her and then phoned her. No reply so I left a message (she rarely picked up when I called). I contacted her father to say I could no longer tolerate her behaviour or look after her and I left. To escape the madness felt awful and I was a mess for 4 weeks. My family have been amazing and a real positive from this hell has been how it has brought me so close to them, particularly my father. Now I feel so peaceful in NC.

[Artisan]

When she was beating herself in the face screaming that I was abusing her, with the windows wide open. When I grabbed her wrists to have her stop, and they became bruised. When she denied that it happened the next day.

I became fearful for my own safety and freedom. It seemed as if I was lucky, and that if something like that happened in the future the cops could be called and I could be taken to jail. And what if she did that and accused me of abusing the kids (step-kids) ... .?

A few others have mentioned this theme ... .for me it also came down to my recognition that things would never change, and that I would have a miserable existence with these kind of dynamics. I'm not made to function with that kind of confusion and drama.

I didn't want to live like that the rest of my days, and have no idea how many days are left. Of those days which remain, its my choice to fill them as I wish, and screaming raging gaslighting drama is not for me.

The final decision made me appreciate solitude and removed my need to be intimate or in relationship to anyone.

[imstronghere2]

The final decision made me appreciate solitude and removed my need to be intimate or in relationship to anyone.

Me too brother.  Me too.

[Tibbles]

It had been building up for a long time but what got me to pack a suitcase was not something major, just another in a long line of painful days. Our beautiful cat got run over and my exh turned it into a fight. He told me it was up to me and the kids if we got another kitten but we had a 9m old, very big puppy and managing the pup and a new kitten would have been too much so the kids and I decided, no not at the moment. He got so wrapped up in his own pain and turned on me. Went to bed being told we are over, I did the usual "its 2 in the morning, I won't leave right now but if you still feel the same I'll leave in the morning". By morning he had calmed down, as he usually does but something triggered him again and I remember so clearly, don't think I will ever forget the look of disgust in his face as he said we are over and his new life starts now. I went to work, found a motel, came home, grabbed a suitcase and my son, daughter and I left. Stayed in a motel for 4 weeks till I found a rental. He begged etc to come back but I knew it would have been more of the same if I just went back so I found a 12 month rental. Cried my eyes out all day the day of signing the lease but I knew it was a life line to change. Going back was a death sentence for me and my kids.

[ajr5679]

I have to say we was together three times.

the first time it was only for about six months. so I figured that I would give her a second chance

when she moved in she just broke up with her girlfriend to get away from her because she said she was abusive and I believe her. her son had to move in with us after her being here for two months. she could not handle him so she was running back to her exs house everytime she could. I was so addicted to her I allowed this to happened. eight months later her son beats me up lock me in my room for three days with a fractored ankle. the abuse I took from him and her I don`t no why I took her back again after two years of no contact I will never understand.

my last straw was when she allowed her son to move back in with us and I did not want to be around him. my last straw was her telling me that he was trying to protect her from my abuse. she told me to deal with it and let it go. I hust could not do it. and I told her to get out.

[sherlock3]

For me it took place in about a one month span when she attempted an overdose, 2 weeks later I had a heart attack and a week after that she attempted another overdose while at my house.

[Bee Girl]

My final straw (still in progress) is a lot of little things. There were some horrific things said in the past three years and none of those episodes were the final straw, I think, because they were almost surreal in their Jeckyll and Hyde pivot that I succumbed to relief when he came back to his loving self and believed that things would get better.

Things did get better with lithium and his (limited) ownership of his issues. Once the roar of the bigger tantrums lessened, I realized how much I live moment to moment in avoiding triggering him, the narrowness of the things we can share, the lack of true intimacy and comfort.

A couple of relatively minor flare ups in the past week had me realize that it's never going to end. So the final straw seems to have been his rapid change to icy contempt, shaming and berating after a really nice day together, the kind of day that makes it hard to make a break, I think. I've been sensitized to usually see it coming, but I did not. I was "in his way" standing at the sink ready to do dishes while he was prepping vegetables for a stew. He was brutally rude, I objected, and he started in on me and I left the house. We're in a stalemate of the silent treatment on both sides. Mine is because I am working up nerve to ask him to leave. He is probably waiting for it to blow over, or for me to apologize (?) or for me to stop "punishing him" by sleeping in another room.

Of the many wild moments and terrible verbal abuse that I endured it's surprising that something minor feels like the final straw.

[christoff522]

Not exactly a final straw, but I lost a great deal of respect for my BPD when she got with the guy who was harassing her and throwing eggs at her house. I know this to be true because her ex (a friend) told me this and said he was there to see it.

I can't deal with all the drama of her life, so I keep a distance until I'm ready to jump back into the hornets nest.

[Danie14]

My final straw…?

As I sit and ponder this thought I can’t really say there’s been ONE final straw, there’ve been hundreds of final straws. I’ve said that to myself many-many times over the years “this is it” over lots of things…and then not done anything to make it final. I’ve gone thru a lot with him and have not stopped things. Have not ended things. I think that’s the draw-back thing, the push/pull…the R/S…seems like there’s always one final-final-final FINAL thing that’ll be the final straw…waiting….for the bolt of lightning from the heavens above to tell me THIS IS IT! Kinda stupid really.

Many people would have left probably the first time they got smacked or punched…the first time they were cheated on…the first time they were told they were stupid and their feelings didn’t matter…or any of the hundreds of other little things that I can’t even describe. I always thought I was one of those people but I come to find out I’m not. I’m one of the other ones who think…oh, it’s not so bad…it could be worse…the good outweighs the bad…he didn’t mean it…he’s going to change…etc, etc, etc…heck, I’m not stupid (really!) I know intellectually it’s not acceptable…I’ve counselled friends/family that their situations weren’t good and they should leave…and yet I didn’t…

I have health issues…unexplained pain all the time…it never goes away. I’ve been thru many tests and the dr’s don’t know what it is or why I have it…they tell me this or that, and try to put me on pills. I don’t want to take pills so I live with the pain. I make it a point to travel for work and I look forward to the times away. A day here or a day there. I realized that I don’t have that pain when I’m away but when I get back home the pain comes. Sometimes it hurts so bad it makes me cry…and I don’t cry easily…I paid attention to my body and realized that when he comes near me my body gets tense, the pain gets worse…and I don’t want to live like this anymore.