she hates me

[CrazyChuck]

We went out with friends and had a great time. She told me she loved me many times. It was great. I went to the bathroom and she sent me a text that I was being an ass. On the way home she told me she was going to cheat. Which is a trigger because she has. I went insane. She locked me out of the house. I kicked in the door. It is so crazy right now. Just 20 minutes ago she text me she loved me so much. Now she tells me she hates me and can't wait to leave. It hurts so bad!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CrazyChuck]

the night was going fantastic. I dont know what happened.

[CrazyChuck]

she says i did it by talking too much

[CrazyChuck]

She hates when I m the center of attention. This is just a guess from the few words she said.

[123Phoebe]

Hi CrazyChuck,

Sorry to hear about all this.  Where is your wife and has she calmed down some?

Hang in there and take some good deep breaths.

[CrazyChuck]

Hi CrazyChuck,

Sorry to hear about all this.  Where is your wife and has she calmed down some?

Hang in there and take some good deep breaths.

I said some really mean things. I wish I could take them back. She is still upset. I hate living like this. I feel like I'm going insane.

[babyducks]

Hi Chuck,

if you haven't already taken a time out from the conversation with your wife, this might be a good time to take a break, take a time out, take the good deep breaths that Phoebe recommended.

are you guys still in the same place together communicating?

[CrazyChuck]

Hi Chuck,

if you haven't already taken a time out from the conversation with your wife, this might be a good time to take a break, take a time out, take the good deep breaths that Phoebe recommended.

are you guys still in the same place together communicating?

Well, I did get away for a while. There is no real communication. I'm just apologizing a lot. The last two days have been great. We were having a fantastic night with a group of friends. We were secretly texting each other "I love you".  It was really nice. And then I get a text that said "stop it!". Then she wanted to leave. So we left. We get in the car and she says I was flirting with all the women there. She was so angry. She said she is going to start flirting with every man she sees. I snapped. Now she is not talking to me. I want to go back to love.

[babyducks]

Chuck,

I'm glad to hear you got a way for a little while.

How are you doing working your way through The Lessons?   Where would you say you are in them?   

'ducks

[waverider]

She is thriving on reactions, it shows she has an impact on you. It is validating.

Chaos is her normality.

Does she hate you? Yes, Does she love you? yes. This means she is feeling. Contrasting feelings makes them seem more extreme. One boosts the impact of the other

Put these two together and she feels alive. Shes doesn't do dull as that makes her feel nothing.

If she feels nothing, she is nothing, as feelings equal fact

She needs to make an impact to prove she exists.

To reign this in you need to stop being reactive and try to stay what we call centered. Otherwise you will always be one step behind trying to catch up with her mood of the moment. Off balance and angry, giving fuel to her victim stance.

If you join her in chaos, you normalize chaos and reduce her need to escape from it. Chaos shared is not as frightening a place to be

[CrazyChuck]

She is thriving on reactions, it shows she has an impact on you. It is validating.

Chaos is her normality.

Does she hate you? Yes, Does she love you? yes. This means she is feeling. Contrasting feelings makes them seem more extreme. One boosts the impact of the other

Put these two together and she feels alive. Shes doesn't do dull as that makes her feel nothing.

If she feels nothing, she is nothing, as feelings equal fact

She needs to make an impact to prove she exists.

To reign this in you need to stop being reactive and try to stay what we call centered. Otherwise you will always be one step behind trying to catch up with her mood of the moment. Off balance and angry, giving fuel to her victim stance.

If you join her in chaos, you normalize chaos and reduce her need to escape from it. Chaos shared is not as frightening a place to be

She says that sometimes she looks at me and just has an extreme feeling of hate for me. She does not know why. She says it is not BPD, that her last two exhusbands insulted her that same way by saying she was crazy. She went to marriage counseling and they learned nothing. She says what made he the most angry was that she told me to stop talking in front of the goup, and I kept talking. She said I defied and didn't listen to her. That I insulted her by not stopping. She said it wasn't anything I said or did, but because I didn't listen to her. It reminds me of my Mom. She used to say "If I tell you to eat a pile of dog crap, you eat a pile of dog crap!".

[waverider]

The reasons given by pwBPD are often made up after the event, and not always representative of the real motivations at the time.

It is one of the reason it is so hard to work out why they do what they do. It is also why they struggle to understand what they do, in order to prevent it happening again.

There is a constant struggle to impose a logical answer to the illogical, this creates false assumptions and miswinformation

[CrazyChuck]

The reasons given by pwBPD are often made up after the event, and not always representative of the real motivations at the time.

It is one of the reason it is so hard to work out why they do what they do. It is also why they struggle to understand what they do, in order to prevent it happening again.

There is a constant struggle to impose a logical answer to the illogical, this creates false assumptions and miswinformation

The real motivation might be the videos. Several times she has made a video of me exploding. She then plays them over and over for days. She makes me listen to them as well. The first video was a fight over toilet paper. When I flushed the toilet, the paper didn't go down. She was very angry. And then out of nowhere she said if she is not happy she will cheat. She said she has no problem cheating on me if she is not happy. I said "Are you happy now?". She said no, that she wishes she could f*** another man right now to just piss me off. She followed up with "I would f*** him right in front of you, just to piss you off". She then started a video, I exploded with a barrage of "whores and I hate you's. The next day she played the video and said that I need help. When we first started going out, I told her my biggest fear was being cheated on. That my exwife cheated on me many times. My current wife had sex with another man while we were dating, and it hurt me really bad, she said it was my fault she did it. So that is the trigger she hits almost every time we fight over spilling water, posting a selfie, saying hello to someone, finishing a bottle, changing the channel, drinking water, and a million other things that piss her off. She has three videos she plays.

[123Phoebe]

Thank you for your honesty, Chuck.  Sounds like a bad game of ping-pong the two of you are playing

What would happen if when she served the ball, you didn't swing back?  What might a different approach look like?

She knows you're going to react to her provocations.  How could you change it up in a healthy way?

[CrazyChuck]

Thank you for your honesty, Chuck.  Sounds like a bad game of ping-pong the two of you are playing

What would happen if when she served the ball, you didn't swing back?  What might a different approach look like?

She knows you're going to react to her provocations.  How could you change it up in a healthy way?

About 90% of the time I just validate her. I can't ignore her, that escalates it very quickly. So I normally just say I'm sorry and You are completely entitled to your feelings. She says she hates when people ignore her. I'm guessing people got tired of the crap and just ignored her. There might be some back and forth on how I should reword my apology. Maybe something about my apology was not good enough.

She says her ex would get drunk and disrespect her, so she made him stop drinking. I know when I have had a few drinks, she comes in really hard. I rarely have more than a few drinks, so I can just try to validate her. But when I'm buzzed and feeling really good, and she starts with the cheating comments, I do not think rationally. Two of the three videos are after I have had many drinks. In the last year, I might have been drunk (level of not driving, not the stumbling slurring level) four times. Each time she has been over the top trying to start fights. She gets drunk about once every three months. And she is so funny and cute. I really like when she gets drunk. If we get drunk together, she is a real beast. So I should probably stop drinking more than two.