4 months after a breakup and I cannot get them out of my head

[charmee]

Five year relationship. He drank and also suffered I realize now from BPD. In all that time he only raged at me once, the day before the pandemic hit, I went into his favourite watering hole, to ask if I could take care of my sons, if they were to get sick during the pandemic, in our shared residence. I never got a chance to even ask the question. He wouldn't come outside for 5 minutes to talk. When he came home that night he was in a rage. He told me it was over, pack my bags, and on and on. The next morning he got up as if nothing happened. I rationalized that it was a one off. There were huge red flags along the way, which I chalked up to him owning his own business, and all the pressures that it entailed. He wooed me back and we started seeing each other again for about 8 months, I refused to move back in and shortly thereafter, he sent me an email, informing me it was over. When I answered "what" he called and said he wanted to be alone. I sent two loving emails saying I thought we could make it, he thanked me, I blocked him and that was 4 months ago. I cannot stop thinking about it, him, the entire relationship. After both breakups he was squiring a new woman around in no time and making sure even during a pandemic that I would find out, he is really big on the revenge end of things. I contacted my therapist but she became ill and can no longer have me as a patient. I have exhausted the ears of anyone within listening range. I have been taking care of myself ad nauseum, but the tapes keep playing.

[once removed]

hi, friend. im sorry youre hurting; im glad that you found us.

five years is a really long time. its a lot to grieve. that youre struggling at four months is really no surprise, although i imagine thats cold comfort when you just want some peace.

this place helped me find that peace when my relationship ended.

what tapes are playing? it helps to talk.

[charmee]

I never felt so loved by anyone, I thought he was heavily invested in me. He had a tragic past, his wife took him for a million dollars and he had to come back from that and he did. I thought I would be his soft place to fall, and I was. I treated him with kindness all of the time, must be my Buddhist training in compassion and loving kindness. But, paid a huge price. I realized after awhile that because he could not keep a handle on his own emotions, I wasn't allowed to have any either. I could never be upset, have a bad day, he internalized all of that. I would handle it by saying, my happiness is not your problem, its up to me to make myself happy, or "I am just having a bad day". But now that I have educated myself about BPD I see it so clearly. I was his longest relationship in years. He referred to woman as "suitcases", people would be introduced to me and say "I will probably never see you again but nice meeting you" I found it odd but chalked it up to them, not him. The alcohol just magnified everything. He even tried to quit for me, but it didn't last. He could never ever talk about problems in the relationship, I was never consulted when he made decisions. When we split, I found an email on his phone from some other woman thanking him for their time together. Four months later he sends an email how he can't stop thinking about me and will love me until the day he died. He had changed, was suffering from a concussion, not working as hard. I fell for it. But when my lease came up and I didn't move back in the devaluation phase started I recognized it and then one morning a vicious discard email and poof it was over. I sent him two loving texts and told him I cherished our time together and then blocked him. He was overwhelmed by demands from all sides, he has lots of money and everyone wants a piece of it. He allowed other people inside our relationship. I look back and wonder if there was any way it could have worked but the line I have read about borderlines sums it up for me They love without measure those they will soon hate without reason.