She made contact

[Depression = 72% of members]

I don't want to go into too many specifics but about a week ago I was speaking to her sister and she seemed to be struggling with being in town and dealing with the fallout of my exes most recent choices. She is living in my exes apartment with my exes friend who I was told was toxic to her and my ex. My exes affair partner turned boyfriend was also close to her sister while she was away and from what little I know was in the same boat I was after she discarded him and bothering her. She seemed tired so I offered to watch my exes and mines pet while she went back home to get some R&R. She told me how tired she was and it just seemed she needed a break. The day after we talked I asked her to run it by my ex, not so she knew I had the pet but to make sure it was ok with her so nothing crazy happened. When she got in touch with her it was a agreed and to be honest I was excited to see my old pet. It been almost a year and I had a huge attachment to her.

I fell asleep that night not thinking of much. I had reached out to my ex a little over a week prior to that to congratulate her on her job promotion and to tell her that I was worried about her and hoped that she was well. There was no reponse back so I let it go and chalked it up to the usual silence. Early morning I woke up to my phone ringing. It was her.

My first thoughts were something was wrong. She is thousands of miles away from family and friends and I havent heard from her in nearly 10 months. I honestly never thought I'd hear from her again. The first thing she said was how different I sounded. I mentioned what time it was and she told me it was late and it was a mistake to call. I asked her if everything was ok and she said no. She didn't go into detail but she started to apologize to me. She sounded emotional so I tried to steer the conversation back to something that didn't matter. I asked her about work and other things. We talked for about an hour.

She seemed upset. She seemed genuine. One of those moment of clarity moments she used to have. There were things she said that I could have taken as gaslighting. Like how her affair partner never mattered to her, and how good of a man I was. I let them slide. The thing that tripped me out, after all this time researching the disorder, and then listening to her again, I could hear her feelings in the moment. What she was saying she meant. But I could also tell those are the feelings of "now." We talked briefly about how bad things got between us before she had the affair. I talked about the disorder in a non combative way. She's diagnosed and knows what she does. She called herself ___ed up. she said she regrets ruining my life.We talked about her moving away, or maybe back to where we used to live. She asked me if I was happy where I was living. All and all a lot was discussed but nothing that substantiated anything of substance. I didn't let her wind down the road of the affair. She seemed to upset. Before we got off the phone I told her I wouldn't reach out again but if she needed to talk things out or just get it all out she could call.

When I got off the phone I felt better than I have in a long time. Not because she contacted me but because she seemed for the time to know that the decisions she's been making are wrong. My hope is that wherever she ends up she starts her real therapy. I'll never tell her I'm still in love with her. When I see her in this position where you can tell she wants to change though I weaken. I don't know where this leaves me. Its been on my mind since we talked. But not too much.

I know why she reached out. It wasn't feelers. It wasn't to hurt me. Its because she's hurting. She's scared. And Ive never turned my back on her.

I just don't know how to approach this. She's moving soon. If I have the chance to help, I want to.

[Minusone]

I don't want to go into too many specifics but about a week ago I was speaking to her sister and she seemed to be struggling with being in town and dealing with the fallout of my exes most recent choices. She is living in my exes apartment with my exes friend who I was told was toxic to her and my ex. My exes affair partner turned boyfriend was also close to her sister while she was away and from what little I know was in the same boat I was after she discarded him and bothering her. She seemed tired so I offered to watch my exes and mines pet while she went back home to get some R&R. She told me how tired she was and it just seemed she needed a break. The day after we talked I asked her to run it by my ex, not so she knew I had the pet but to make sure it was ok with her so nothing crazy happened. When she got in touch with her it was a agreed and to be honest I was excited to see my old pet. It been almost a year and I had a huge attachment to her.

I fell asleep that night not thinking of much. I had reached out to my ex a little over a week prior to that to congratulate her on her job promotion and to tell her that I was worried about her and hoped that she was well. There was no reponse back so I let it go and chalked it up to the usual silence. Early morning I woke up to my phone ringing. It was her.

My first thoughts were something was wrong. She is thousands of miles away from family and friends and I havent heard from her in nearly 10 months. I honestly never thought I'd hear from her again. The first thing she said was how different I sounded. I mentioned what time it was and she told me it was late and it was a mistake to call. I asked her if everything was ok and she said no. She didn't go into detail but she started to apologize to me. She sounded emotional so I tried to steer the conversation back to something that didn't matter. I asked her about work and other things. We talked for about an hour.

She seemed upset. She seemed genuine. One of those moment of clarity moments she used to have. There were things she said that I could have taken as gaslighting. Like how her affair partner never mattered to her, and how good of a man I was. I let them slide. The thing that tripped me out, after all this time researching the disorder, and then listening to her again, I could hear her feelings in the moment. What she was saying she meant. But I could also tell those are the feelings of "now." We talked briefly about how bad things got between us before she had the affair. I talked about the disorder in a non combative way. She's diagnosed and knows what she does. She called herself ___ed up. she said she regrets ruining my life.We talked about her moving away, or maybe back to where we used to live. She asked me if I was happy where I was living. All and all a lot was discussed but nothing that substantiated anything of substance. I didn't let her wind down the road of the affair. She seemed to upset. Before we got off the phone I told her I wouldn't reach out again but if she needed to talk things out or just get it all out she could call.

When I got off the phone I felt better than I have in a long time. Not because she contacted me but because she seemed for the time to know that the decisions she's been making are wrong. My hope is that wherever she ends up she starts her real therapy. I'll never tell her I'm still in love with her. When I see her in this position where you can tell she wants to change though I weaken. I don't know where this leaves me. Its been on my mind since we talked. But not too much.

I know why she reached out. It wasn't feelers. It wasn't to hurt me. Its because she's hurting. She's scared. And Ive never turned my back on her.

I just don't know how to approach this. She's moving soon. If I have the chance to help, I want to.

[Sadly]

Hi Minusone
You sound like a lovely person and I totally understand what you are saying however, could you possibly look at it that the hours normal conversation you had with her was a precious gift of closure, something many of us will never get and then just leave it at that. You say you want to help, you did, you listened and talked normally, made her feel good about herself which is an achievement in itself. A closure for her too. Good luck to you with whatever your choice is.
Love from Sadly x

[bus boy]

Hi, great advice from Sadly, I like what Sadly had to say, it makes a lot of sense.

You did your best. Now take your closure and run. Nothing good ever comes out of a BPD person. They are users, abusers, manuplator, and decietful lies.  Help your self and keep on trucking.

[Sadly]

Thanks bus boy
Closure is something I crave but know I will never get. I don't want to interfere Minusone, it may not be what you want yet. I have a wish that I hold onto that one day all the damaged souls here will finally be set free with grace to move on into happier more fulfilling lives. Closure appears to be a rarely granted step. Ah well, My Nan used to say, if wishes were horses then beggars would ride  .
Love from Sadly x

[VitaminC]

The thing that tripped me out, after all this time researching the disorder, and then listening to her again, I could hear her feelings in the moment. What she was saying she meant. But I could also tell those are the feelings of "now."

That's a great realisation / understanding, Minusone. It sounds like you handled that conversation very well - with compassion & insight, and also that you managed to apply what you've learned and keep your boundaries intact.
I hope you stop for a moment and let yourself feel very good about that.

I don't know where this leaves me. Its been on my mind since we talked. But not too much.

I just don't know how to approach this. She's moving soon. If I have the chance to help, I want to.

Where it leaves you is for you to define

How do you think you can 'help'? In that kind of situation, I would hope that I would think long and hard about what I feel capable of giving, what amount of 'help' would be needed, and if I want to put myself in the situation of supporting someone through a process that they really must undertake themselves - under their own steam.