My ex's friends are sending me strange emails

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi Everyone,

I'm writing here today to vent. I've just started getting strange messages from my ex's friends online. They are ambiguous. I've asked them what their pictures meant, saying I don't know what that means, and one person just gave me a thumbs up... The other hasn't responded. I hate how this feels, like high school bull***t, and I don't think it speaks very highly of my emotional intelligence that I am getting upset about it. If the messages mean what I think they do, it's an indication of more of his lies and that he is telling them to a lot of people. I've said before that he did this to his ex before me and she left the city because of it. It's hard enough having everyone that I knew for years just go away. It's hard enough dealing with the loss of "my best friend" and the possibility that our entire relationship was a lie. Now, 5 months later he is still affecting my life. I don't know what to do. I'm so alone in this.

[LL]

Hi Everyone,

I'm writing here today to vent. I've just started getting strange messages from my ex's friends online. They are ambiguous. I've asked them what their pictures meant, saying I don't know what that means, and one person just gave me a thumbs up... The other hasn't responded. I hate how this feels, like high school bull***t, and I don't think it speaks very highly of my emotional intelligence that I am getting upset about it. If the messages mean what I think they do, it's an indication of more of his lies and that he is telling them to a lot of people. I've said before that he did this to his ex before me and she left the city because of it. It's hard enough having everyone that I knew for years just go away. It's hard enough dealing with the loss of "my best friend" and the possibility that our entire relationship was a lie. Now, 5 months later he is still affecting my life. I don't know what to do. I'm so alone in this.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi LL,

Can you tell us what the messages contain?  Is it just pictures and are the messages directly sent to yourself?  I'm guessing this is via social media.  Correct me if I'm wrong.  I'm sure that it has been triggering for you, understandably.  Have you asked them not to contact you again?

Love and light x

[LL]

I feel like it's going to sound really stupid. It's a picture of mine that I took years ago. They posted a series of three, progressively zeroing in on the hands of two people that were pointing fingers at each other, with the caption "one wonders". Then another person replied with a zeroed in picture (from the same picture) of a man with a raised eyebrow, focusing on the raised eyebrow, with the caption "hmmm". These are people who don't usually contact me. Maybe I am reading too much into this... But the response (and lack of) that I received doesn't help...

I feel like a crazy person. I know that what he did to me was abuse, full stop. But I still have to fight the self-doubt; thinking that I was the problem, that this was all my fault... It's the default way of thinking and it's a constant battle to remember the truth of the situation. Does that make sense?

[Harley Quinn]

It does make sense.  As time went by, I lost the vivid memories of the abuse I suffered and things seemed to fade, as though my mind was filing away the painful events.  I often blamed myself for what occurred.  Perhaps it would be an idea to sit down with a notebook and really think back, then write yourself a list of the most difficult situations that you went through.  Even having had a journal during the r/s, some of these may be lost in the information.  Having reminders helped me in my moments of doubt about the reality I'd experienced. 

It sounds like you are being targeted by these individuals with the intention to cause you alarm or upset.  That's abusive, and I'd encourage you to not enter into any conversation as this is only likely to upset you further if these people are behaving in such an underhand way.  You don't need this.  Do you have the option to stop using or delete your account?  I know some people need these for either business or remaining in contact with remote family/friends.  Personally I am glad I don't enter into social media as it is open for such behaviour which is emotionally triggering.  What do you want to do?

Love and light x 

[Cromwell]

I feel like it's going to sound really stupid. It's a picture of mine that I took years ago. They posted a series of three, progressively zeroing in on the hands of two people that were pointing fingers at each other, with the caption "one wonders". Then another person replied with a zeroed in picture (from the same picture) of a man with a raised eyebrow, focusing on the raised eyebrow, with the caption "hmmm". These are people who don't usually contact me. Maybe I am reading too much into this... But the response (and lack of) that I received doesn't help...

I feel like a crazy person. I know that what he did to me was abuse, full stop. But I still have to fight the self-doubt; thinking that I was the problem, that this was all my fault... It's the default way of thinking and it's a constant battle to remember the truth of the situation. Does that make sense?

The emotional abuse is designed exactly to make you feel  and believe that you are getting what you deserve. That is the power carried behind it.

They want to cause you to get upset, concerned and provoke a reaction - from the safety of afar. My BPDx stalked all her exs after a discard, she stalked me during the r/s and tried to after I left her, although she had far less ability to do so, I followed what HQ suggests, deleted social media, changed numbers.

It is a horrible thing to go through but at the stage you are at now, id consider trying to avoid this escalating by going as low profile and uncontactable as you can. Its not fair, it shouldnt be that way, but if it is something that is causing you that amount of upset, and that is the intent behind it, try to remove yourself as a target for awhile or at least, block them and tighten up your privacy settings. The lack of any response I hope would be enough for them to give up, lose interest, move on to a different target.

Sorry you are going through this I know I have been through it - on the face of it can be seen as silliness yet it is was quite unnerving to have suddenly acquired a fan club all the same. They are just very sad people.

[Harley Quinn]

How are things LL?  I hope you are feeling less rattled by the contact and have had no further disruption to your healing.  Let us know of any change.

Love and light x

[LL]

I've not been very good the last two days. It's ok though, up and down, feelings won't kill you. I've reached out to people, "hey want to grab some coffee, I could use a friend", the response is "maybe after my wedding this summer". I don't know if I'm just paranoid now, I doubt everything, I'm suspicious of interactions with people that are friends with my ex. It's not a good feeling. I didn't use to be this way. I've had a good cry today, really feeling the isolation. I've asked my ex if I can spend time with our dog this weekend, he hasn't responded yet. I'm not someone who deserves respect or to be treated with basic human dignity. I am hated. This is a really bad feeling. It's so confusing. I still struggle with feelings of empathy and compassion, and I still love the man, and the feelings caused by the betrayal; anger, pain, loss. I don't want to be a victim, but I feel that I am a bit stuck in that mode. I'm not sure how to change that. Time? Self care? When will I stop thinking about this person and what they have done. I want to get to a place where I can accept the hurt that he caused and not let it dictate who I am in the future. Sometimes it feels like that will never happen. I feel like I will never find my place in the world, that I will never find love again. I'm not looking for a relationship at all, I find men to be a scary proposition at this point, and trust; that's going to take a while for me to figure out.

[Harley Quinn]

I'm sorry to hear that you've received knock backs from people.  That has to hurt.
 Do you have new connections through the new job at all?  Maybe a colleague you could grab a coffee with outside of work?  Client even?  Just to connect with someone socially for a chat and good company.  If not, I'd still encourage you to look into what groups are in your area where you can meet like minds. 

I hope that coming here can be an outlet for you and a chance to feel less isolated some of the time.  It's not the same as a drink with friends, but we're all family here and support one another, so take full advantage and involve yourself in others' discussions too.  I found that really helpful for myself.  It reminded me that I wasn't alone and reduced some of the isolation I felt at the time.  Things have gotten better on that front since, little by little, and it can for you too.  I know it's hard though in the moment.  It's good that you allowed yourself a good cry.  This is a positive thing that you're in touch with your feelings.  Soldiering on isn't always the healthiest thing to do.  The feelings need to be acknowledged and accepted.  Then we can begin to act.

I still struggle with feelings of empathy and compassion, and I still love the man, and the feelings caused by the betrayal; anger, pain, loss. I don't want to be a victim, but I feel that I am a bit stuck in that mode. I'm not sure how to change that. Time? Self care? When will I stop thinking about this person and what they have done. I want to get to a place where I can accept the hurt that he caused and not let it dictate who I am in the future. Sometimes it feels like that will never happen.

LL what you're going through is really tough.  None of us have it easy I'm afraid and each of us is in different stages of healing, so will have different perspectives.  What I do know and have faith in is that it is a process and we just have to go through it, as uncomfortable as it is.  Taking this journey can be absolutely horrible at times, yet as we progress it begins to make more sense and we can see there is good in allowing it to unfold as it does.  What you're experiencing is grief, which can't be avoided or rushed - and we all find our own ways through that, sometimes going backwards along the way in order to move forwards, but the stages are below as a reference.  Perhaps you can identify where you feel you sit right now and also in the stages of detaching.  This might bring you comfort as to what you've gotten through already and it might give you a nudge towards the action for you that would be helpful in getting 'unstuck'. 

I know it can be frustrating and very tempting to wish ourselves to the end of the process, yet I can assure you that what transpires is worth the wait.  We can learn a lot about ourselves on the way and that can only be positive as we move forwards in our lives.  Lives that we now have the opportunity to shape into what we really want them to look like.  Rather than pointing you to the Lessons, I've brought some of this to you.  I'd love to hear what resonates with you.

How grief passes through us: The Five Stages of Grieving

Denial- This is when we and our partner are on different page about our commitments to the relationship. This stage is filled with disbelief and denial.  Often in this stage we are engaged in relationship struggles and are expecting our partner to respond in the way that someone in a relationship would respond. However, they are in a very different, less caring place.  We are confused, hurt, put off by their behavior.

Anger- Anger often the reaction to being hurt and/or fearful, and helpless to do anything about it. The greater the loss, the greater the reaction. Anger is a very complex part of grieving - many of us stumble in this stage with either unhealthy anger (misdirected, trapping) or no anger (no release).  We need to determine why we're angry and focus our feeling on the true issues - if not, anger can imprison us.

Bargaining- Bargaining is that stage of the break-up when you’re trying to make deals and compromises. It’s when you start talking about how an open relationship might be a possibility or a long-distance thing could work. It’s when you say to your partner, “if you just did this then I could do that and it would work”. It’s when you say to yourself that you’ll do x, y, z to be a better spouse so that the relationship doesn’t have to end.

Depression- After all of the denial and the anger and the bargaining have been done and we realize that things really are starting to end and we become depressed. We fell helpless and powerless and overwhelmed with sadness about the loss that we are experiencing.  This acknowledgment often starts the serious process of us trying to understand what happened.

Acceptance- Acceptance is a final stage when we have finally sorted out what happened, accepted it and are more interested in moving forward than looking back. Acceptance can take a lot of time and a lot of processing. It involves understanding the situation, understand our role / understand their role, understanding what can be learned, and letting go / moving forward.  

Note: Each person mourns a loss differently.  You may not experience these stages in one fluid order. You may go through some of the stages more than once. Sometimes during the bargaining stages we recycle the relationship. Or an event will trigger us to experience one of these stages again - like hearing your ex-partner is to remarry.

 



How we heal ourselves: The Five Stages of Detachment

Acknowledgment- we begin by acknowledging and working with our feelings. read more

Self-Inquiry - we then probe the feelings - it's important to find a way to explore your feelings that allows you both to be present with them and to stand a little aside from them. read more

Processing - become aware of what has been useful in the journey you've just taken, regardless of how it all turned out.  read more

Creative Action - start something new with real enthusiasm for the doing of it, rather than out of the need to prove something. read more

Freedom - the stage when thinking about your loss (or the thing you desire) doesn't interfere with your normal feelings of well-being. read more

The entire Lessons thread can be found HERE


We're here for you LL.  Keep posting.

Love and light x