I’m pretty sure my mom has bpd.
I have been witnessing and feeling the repercussions of her explosive outbursts since I was a child, but lately things seem to be getting even worse…
Does this disorder worsen with age? I realize there are also environmental circumstances which are probably contributing to her anger and anxiety.
I love my mom, and contrary to what she seems to believe right now, i respect her and admire her and value her. But whatever ways I try to show this either never seem to be enough, or I feel unable to show her this because her hurtful, unfair, and sometimes downright absurd behavior puts me into a sort of “freeze” state, setting me on edge (or over it) and I am unable to act more lovingly or like a “good” daughter.
I am trying to do my best but it is never enough…. This leaves me exhausted. But I am trying to learn to remind myself that I can only do so much…
from what I’ve read, so many posts resonate so I am very happy to have found this forum and am already taking solace knowing that I’m not alone…
Best wishes to all!
I have an elderly BPD mother and have also tried to be a "good daughter" to her, and understand how it feels as if it's not possible to be good enough.
For me, the goal of being "good enough" for her is not realistic. Due to her own disorder- nothing, nobody, can be "good enough" because her disordered feelings are a part of her- not something or someone else. It's not possible to change someone else's feelings.
I have to reframe "good enough". I think for many of us with a BPD parent, we feel good enough must be perfection. Even small slights could be perceived as major transgressions to a BPD parent. We are humans, we aren't perfect. If we look to a parent with BPD to give us the sense of "good enough" we will be looking to them to define us.
We have to decide what "good enough" is ourselves and be that "good enough" and somehow also manage the feeling of uneasiness that our parent may not feel that way because, we wish they could.
It helps to work on boundaries. One boundary is knowing who we are and what we are not. If someone accuses us of something and we know it's not true, we don't have to defend it or react to it. An analogy is if someone accuses you of being something absurd- like a pink elephant. If your mother said you were an elephant, you'd not feel hurt- you are quite certain it's not true. Her accusations may sound more realistic but likely they are just as untrue. A disordered person doesn't define you.