Mom most likely has bpd

[livinnlearnin]

I’m pretty sure my mom has bpd.
I have been witnessing and feeling the repercussions of her explosive outbursts since I was a child, but lately things seem to be getting even worse…
Does this disorder worsen with age? I realize there are also environmental circumstances which are probably contributing to her anger and anxiety.
I love my mom, and contrary to what she seems to believe right now, i respect her and admire her and value her. But whatever ways I try to show this either never seem to be enough, or I feel unable to show her this because her hurtful, unfair, and sometimes downright absurd behavior puts me into a sort of “freeze” state, setting me on edge (or over it) and I am unable to act more lovingly or like a “good” daughter.
I am trying to do my best but it is never enough…. This leaves me exhausted. But I am trying to learn to remind myself that I can only do so much…
from what I’ve read, so many posts resonate so I am very happy to have found this forum and am already taking solace knowing that I’m not alone…
Best wishes to all!

[Swimmy55]

Welcome .
I, too, discovered relatively recently that my father has a lot of the BPD traits without having been diagnosed.  You are in the right place. Know that your first responsibility is for you to put yourself first.  Take a look around the website . There are some suggested readings in the Library here, one being "Stop walking on Eggshells". 

Please write again to us as you are able. We are here for you.

[Tired_of_This24]

Oh livinnlearnin, I feel this so much too with my Mum. It is exhausting. It does sound like she has BPD.

It's so hard but you are enough, even if you do nothing. The hard truth is that this is her illness and there is nothing that you can do to fix it. Doesn't stop us from trying over and over again though does it?...

I feel so sad to read that she doesn't recognise how much you care about her, because I am also so tired of always being told that by my Mum too. I am sure though that she does realise this deep down and this is just the "Border Lion" speaking, lashing out at people she most cares about.

It is exhausting. This forum is just so amazing though - so glad you are here too to share. We can get through this all together.

[Notwendy]

I’m pretty sure my mom has bpd.
I have been witnessing and feeling the repercussions of her explosive outbursts since I was a child, but lately things seem to be getting even worse…
Does this disorder worsen with age? I realize there are also environmental circumstances which are probably contributing to her anger and anxiety.
I love my mom, and contrary to what she seems to believe right now, i respect her and admire her and value her. But whatever ways I try to show this either never seem to be enough, or I feel unable to show her this because her hurtful, unfair, and sometimes downright absurd behavior puts me into a sort of “freeze” state, setting me on edge (or over it) and I am unable to act more lovingly or like a “good” daughter.
I am trying to do my best but it is never enough…. This leaves me exhausted. But I am trying to learn to remind myself that I can only do so much…
from what I’ve read, so many posts resonate so I am very happy to have found this forum and am already taking solace knowing that I’m not alone…
Best wishes to all!

I have an elderly BPD mother and have also tried to be a "good daughter" to her, and understand how it feels as if it's not possible to be good enough.

For me, the goal of being "good enough" for her is not realistic. Due to her own disorder- nothing, nobody, can be "good enough" because her disordered feelings are a part of her- not something or someone else. It's not possible to change someone else's feelings.

I have to reframe "good enough". I think for many of us with a BPD parent, we feel good enough must be perfection. Even small slights could be perceived as major transgressions to a BPD parent. We are humans, we aren't perfect. If we look to a parent with BPD to give us the sense of "good enough" we will be looking to them to define us.

We have to decide what "good enough" is ourselves and be that "good enough" and somehow also manage the feeling of uneasiness that our parent may not feel that way because, we wish they could.

It helps to work on boundaries. One boundary is knowing who we are and what we are not. If someone accuses us of something and we know it's not true, we don't have to defend it or react to it. An analogy is if someone accuses you of being something absurd- like a pink elephant. If your mother said you were an elephant, you'd not feel hurt- you are quite certain it's not true. Her accusations may sound more realistic but likely they are just as untrue. A disordered person doesn't define you.

[So Stressed]

Hi Livinnlearnin....welcome to the site.  When I read your post, it sounded like something I would post. I relate to every word you said.  I have often said that I tried so hard to be a good daughter, but I failed in mom's eyes.  I could never do enough and she was always mad. She has moved now to be closer to my sibling because I failed her. 

Really, what I did was set some boundaries and try to have a life of my own in addition to supporting her.  She is elderly and needed help and I was her primary care giver for about 10 years.  Prior to that, I was still her closest family member, but she was relatively self sufficient and her partner was living.  But for the last 10 years, it was me.

I pretty much don't have a family now.  I didn't meet Mom's demands and she seems to have turned my sibling against me, so now sibling doesn't speak to me.  Mom speaks to me and seems like maybe she has some regrets but she won't say that.

It has been a very heartbreaking time.

Keep posting....it is a very supportive group.

[livinnlearnin]

Thanks so much for your response. It feels so good to be heard and understood.
Am slowly working on developing boundaries.. not easy but we have to do what we can to preserve a sense of self-worth. I am still shocked to see how any action, phone call, conversation, message or interaction can be so distorted and maliciously misinterpreted. I shouldn’t be surprised by now but I still tend to be caught off guard.
So sorry that you have gone through similar experiences, and I wish you the best on repairing your relationships in a way that hopefully will be beneficial, rewarding and healthy to all.