Filed for divorce - harder than I thought

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been married almost 15 years now. Married very in love, but recognizing he had some "issues". But of course I thought that with my love, and God's help I would be able to "fix" him. Have had several "ups and downs" during the first years, the cup of trust had diminished, but the cup of love was still almost full as well as the cup of hope. I found out by coincidence that he was flirting with an old friend of his, instead of apologizing was totally upset with me for being upset with him . Kept on trying, he was not bringing much money in from his new business but I was being supportive. Three years ago, I found out he had been talking with an ex girlfriend. He tried to involve my brother to cover it. Things were definitely not the same. The cup of trust was almost empty, the cup of love was less than half, but there was still plenty hope. So we kept on trying, to the point that we decided to go to marriage therapy (that is how I found out he has BPD) and couples retreat over a year ago.  Learned some tools, regained some appreciation. The cups of love and trust were starting to replenish.

Right when I started to see the light (or so I thought) I found out he had been speaking on the phone with another ex.

I could not take it anymore. Both the cups of trust and love are empty now. What ever is left of hope, I need for me. I had been his mom for these last years. Trying to "control the damage" of his bad decisions, fully supporting our family of three children.

He had been draining me and I need that energy for MY kids. So I decided it was time to look after me and filed for divorce... .  

I have had burst of extasis for the relief of letting him go. But I also feel depressed. For the change in my kids life. In disappointment for the failure of our marriage, of me "fixing" him. I got married so in love, and believe that marriage should be for your whole life.

I know only he can help himself. I really thought he was on the right track. He was going to therapy. I guess that is what upsets me. How could he throw everything through the board (family, house and security)?

I have been reading as much of the resources given, and it has really helped. At least I know about his disorder, and probably understand his reactions better than he does. It still hurts though... .   :'(

[garzos]

I have been married almost 15 years now. Married very in love, but recognizing he had some "issues". But of course I thought that with my love, and God's help I would be able to "fix" him. Have had several "ups and downs" during the first years, the cup of trust had diminished, but the cup of love was still almost full as well as the cup of hope. I found out by coincidence that he was flirting with an old friend of his, instead of apologizing was totally upset with me for being upset with him . Kept on trying, he was not bringing much money in from his new business but I was being supportive. Three years ago, I found out he had been talking with an ex girlfriend. He tried to involve my brother to cover it. Things were definitely not the same. The cup of trust was almost empty, the cup of love was less than half, but there was still plenty hope. So we kept on trying, to the point that we decided to go to marriage therapy (that is how I found out he has BPD) and couples retreat over a year ago.  Learned some tools, regained some appreciation. The cups of love and trust were starting to replenish.

Right when I started to see the light (or so I thought) I found out he had been speaking on the phone with another ex.

I could not take it anymore. Both the cups of trust and love are empty now. What ever is left of hope, I need for me. I had been his mom for these last years. Trying to "control the damage" of his bad decisions, fully supporting our family of three children.

He had been draining me and I need that energy for MY kids. So I decided it was time to look after me and filed for divorce... .  

I have had burst of extasis for the relief of letting him go. But I also feel depressed. For the change in my kids life. In disappointment for the failure of our marriage, of me "fixing" him. I got married so in love, and believe that marriage should be for your whole life.

I know only he can help himself. I really thought he was on the right track. He was going to therapy. I guess that is what upsets me. How could he throw everything through the board (family, house and security)?

I have been reading as much of the resources given, and it has really helped. At least I know about his disorder, and probably understand his reactions better than he does. It still hurts though... .   :'(

[doubleAries]

Hi garzos,

your story sounds similar to my own.

I filed for divorce a few weeks ago. My husband of 16 1/2 years is bipolar with psychotic features, ASPD, and NPD.

I think in my case I am finally starting to figure out there never was a relationship. I made the whole thing I up. I was trying to have a relationship with who I wanted him to be (who I could fix him into being?)

I began to doubt myself (again), second guess whether I made the right choice in filing for divorce--if maybe it wasn't my fault (again), if I wasn't being "too hasty" (after all, quitting after a total of 18 years of insanity might be "hasty", right?). He quelled those doubts for me last week when he called 911 on me and told the police I had a carload of guns and was threatening him. Why did he do that? Because he believed if he could have me sent to jail, he could just have my property and business and not have to pay me anything for them. Nice. I guess I needed him to show me just one more time where I stand in his world--at the very bottom.

When I moved out (of MY home) last December, his main concern was that I was trying to embarrass him in front of his family (they are all pretty narcissistic--image is everything). But he only cried when he thought he might have to move and not be able to take our 2 dogs with him. He hugs the dogs, cries about the dogs, and is dry eyed and disdainful about me.

The pain I feel is over the loss of the relationship I wanted--not the one I actually had. The one I actually had was me as the hated caretaker/mother, him as the petulant child.

[imstronghere2]

He hugs the dogs, cries about the dogs, and is dry eyed and disdainful about me.

I can relate to this.  When my exwBPD was leaving our home for the last time, she started to cry because "she wouldn't be here when our oldest cat dies".   She had no emotion for leaving our two children, our home, ALL of her animals she HAD to have (8 cats and one dog) and me.  I wasn't even an afterthought.   It's been 1 1/2 years since our divorce and she has since married the man she had her affair with.  I was married 19 years and with her for 22.

Garzos, it does hurt.  It probably always will but the pain dulls with time.

[GreenMango]

Big   to all you going through this. 

[Whichwayisup]

So familiar to me,

In a really perverse kinda way, I'm happy to read this so it makes my current situation relatable.  I have been reading about relationships lasting months or a couple of years and thinking, how dumb am I to be in it for 13yrs and event then, still try to scratch at any hope of rescuing the relationship after she had devalued me and found another playmate.  It is a deeply engrained lifestyle that I am now looking at changing.

One big factor for me is that I have decided to put the petition on the back burner as I still haven't had agreement on our finances and childcare arrangements - I can't even afford the retainer for the L at the moment and have told him that.  If I can seek to arrange things and get them agreed in writing, plus the cheaper option of mediation then at least we can seek to resolve our differences in an economical method (I know this is unlikely when viewing other's but I don't feel like I have much choice at this moment due to financial constraints - stop digging when in a hole... .   )

I have seen her distain in action and it isn't pretty - the last thing I asked her before I left the relationship, was why did she hate me so much- she replied that she didn't and fell straight asleep - very odd - hence I checked her phone and found the evidence - she literally couldn't seem to care less about me yet only 12 days before had been sending me msg's about how good looking I was etc... .  

I agree it does hurt and I know I am doing the right thing, it hurts like hell... .  

[garzos]

Thank you all for sharing your stories and your support. It helps to be able to relate with other people when sometimes even I cannot understand when I have gone through.

I have had a family member let him know the the petitions was on its way through a constable. He text me asking to do it another way so we would not affect our children.

He now knows we have to wait 2 months to finalize the divorce. I hope this does not make him think that he still has a chance.

Went to therapist today, she was very support. I hope you find strength in this journey.

[rogerroger]

The pain I feel is over the loss of the relationship I wanted--not the one I actually had.

Yes. A thousand times yes.