Ex BPD girlfriend broke it off with me, days after agreeing to marry me

[Broken88]

I was in a serious relationship with girl with BPD for a bit over 6.5 years. It was good in the beginning, but i saw all the red flags, loved her too much to stay away i guess. I did break up with her though, a lot of times actually. First one came after about 6 months, because of her constant erratic behaviour. But she then did everything she could to get me back, and she did. We went on and off like this almost all of our relationship, with her being to dependent on me to feel that she could survive on her own, she would fight to get me back.

Well, finally after around 6 years, i started feeling a bit more comfortable with all the roller coaster rides, and actually felt like i could live with it. Problem was, by then we already royally scr*wed up the relationship. I cheated on her, twice, with the same girl. I feel nothing for this other girl, guess it was just me acting out. She found out, and actually forgave me (or so she said). So i fought the fight of my life, trying to make things better, balance work and the stuff at home, and did everything i could.

Everything was seemingly going well, we were talking about trying to get a child, and actually we did start trying... .What a fool i was, thinking that i could ever start a family with a person like her, especially after all i did to make the situation worse as well.

Days after we started trying to get a kid, after a small fight ( okay never a small fight with my girl ) but after a fight we both went to different places for the night. She told me to write her when i went home, because she wanted to know i was safe. So i did, no answer, but then hours later she rang me and told me she had "kissed" with this other guy, whom she had known for a couple of months, and told me not to worry about, but my worries were real.

Over the course of the next month, we started to repair the damage, i thought. We were still trying to get a child, and by the end of the month (and a lot of HARD work on my end), i asked her to marry me. I know i know, f*ckd up timing, and probably just a last resort from my part to try and save it. But i Really love this girl, and i was willing to try anything. Well she said yes, we posted it all over facebook, went to a fcking therapist meeting, so they could guide us in what to watch out for, when we got a kid etc.

I felt like she was keeping something from me, like she was lying when i asked what was wrong and such. So i snooped through her phone, i found messages from this same dude, saying that he "likes her and thinks she is sweet". That was hard to read, the worse part for me was, what she wrote to him. She told him, hours after agreeing to marry me, that she was "still" ready to leave me for him, she just needed to know that he was serious. I looked through the messages from earlier, and apparently they had been writing like this, together for the past month... .

I got sad, mad and felt betrayed ( i know i cheated first, i did wrong her alot, i am aware ), so i confronted her with this, she got sad, cried and told me sorry, she did not know what she was doing, it was just me and her, and she loved me and wanted to be with me. She blocked the number from this guy, and then tried to make it all up to me, for 2 days. I told her that we could try and get the trust back, that i was giving us a chance, a chance she begged me for.

Then after these 2 days, while i was at a football game with my brother, she wrote me that she didn't think she could do this anymore and we should stop. I told her that maybe we should try to talk about this instead of doing it over facebook messenger, but she seemed to be in a hurry. I then became sad and tried to get her to give us another go. It worked for about 6 hours, we went to my mothers place for dinner, then she got picked up by her friend ( a female one ) and went to her place. About 20 min later i got another text saying "I can't do this anymore".

It has now been 15 days since this happened, she seems to be almost completely over me. The female friend who came to pick 0
her up, coincidentally also lives with this guy she "kissed" and wrote these messages with ( it's not this female friends boyfriend but just a friend who lives at the house ).

I don't really have much of a question here, just sad as f and wanted to get stuff out. I can't believe she went from "it's just you and me" to moving in with this guy (because that is basically what she did) in just 2 days... Actually from reading a lot about BPD i believe it, because it is very common with BPD, but i, like most of you probably, thought i really had something special here, a girl worth living for, a girl worth dying for, a girl who would always be there. I thought i found my one true love. But it was never like that.

Most of the relationship was just me, trying to keep everything above water. I know this, i remember this, then why the h*ll can't i just be happy that she is not here anymore. Why do i miss her so terribly... I am rambling. looking foreward to your comments, i don't know how i will get through this.

Please help :'(

I am 26 years old, and she is 24 btw. If you want to know more or just chat, write me and we can exchange emails or something

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[Mutt]

Hi Broken88,



I'm sorry that you're going through this difficult time. It has be difficult for you when you're ready to settle down and she springs this on you, that she can't do this anymore and literally moves in with someone else in less than 48 hours. It's really hard, what else is hard is that it's hard to find people that can relate with that, you may feel like you're alone and no one understands or you can't see how you get through this. You're not alone.

I can relate with that betrayal, I'm not going to tell you the whole story here, I was with my ex wife for almost 8 years and I come home one day and she says "I'm telling everyone that I'm leaving you" we had a family with young kids, and I can see a lot of similarities in your story. It may of felt like a routine with the break-up and make cycles, I bet that felt surreal when she told you that she can't do this anymore.

trying to keep everything above water.

I think that's a good observation. Are you still interested in the r/s? Are you both in touch with each other?

[Broken88]

Thank you for the reply ! Maybe we can chat in personal messages and we can both share the whole story. Because it was just a part of it, i was rambling a bit because of my emotional mess.  And yes! no one can relate, one of my best friends came out of a 3 year relationship with a non, just 2 months ago. And he keeps trying to tell me that he is going through the same, and that he got better now, and i will too soon... But i know it will not be soon...

It feels totally unreal! I can feel this time is different, she doesn't want to be with me i can see that much. But she still shows some sort of "affection" (not sexual tho) and some sort of care for my well being. I just have a difficult time trusting that she actually gives a f, but it seems so real when she says it.

And yes, we are still in touch. I tell myself it is because, we have an apartment together, which i need her to pay for as well for the next 3 months (untill it is out of our hands). But i know why, because i secretly want her back. But there is no chance that will happen now i guess, so probably for the better. Actually i just dropped her off at her new place 20 minutes ago, after we spend 5 hours together, talking, laughing, and ofc i got sad. She didn't, but she tried to comfort me, and it sounded like she cared. Kurwa mac (polish swear even tho i am from Denmark, confusing i know) i know i need to just run, but i love that girl with all of my heart... I hate this.

Again, thanks for responding

[Mutt]

It feels invalidating when someone talks about their own stuff and you don't want to hear that things are going to get better soon, it doesn't give you a chance to tell your story, you want to tell your side of the story.

i know i need to just run, but i love that girl with all of my heart... I hate this.

I know it's hard to walk away, you obviously care a lot about her if you had a 5 hour chat, if you had to write it down, the part that is telling you to stay and the other part that is tell you to run, what would you write down? Why do you want to run?

[Broken88]

Tough question. Dilemma i am in... I haven't thought about it.

I guess the relationship was never, a relaxing place to be, to put it nicely. A lot of fights about, nothing really, you probably know what i am talking about. I think i really want to run, because i know it will only get worse from here. I am hurt, i will get more hurt, i will maybe die from this sh*t.

Hopefully all this will end out in me being a stronger person. But i am not feeling to confident at the moment... I haven't really been doing well, coping with tough emotional stuff in the past... I am easily addicted to stuff, that might explain the reasons why i want to stay... I think maybe i am addicted to her, maybe. I don't know... Only that seconds after she got out of the car, i broke down and did a way too fast ride back... .

Feeling so helpless, it's frustrating... But okay, one question i do have, can i expect her to be honest with me now? Because she is saying she didn't sleep with the other guy, and that there "really is nothing there". But i suspect it is not the truth...

[Mutt]

I can see that, you have a lot on your plate and it's emotionally hard when someone does a 180 on you, there's a of time to think about that.

But okay, one question i do have, can i expect her to be honest with me now?

I hate to answer a question with a question. What's her track record in the past with honesty?

But i suspect it is not the truth...

You know the answer, listen to your gut, a goal from many goals that you can choose from is to learn to trust that inner voice and what it tells you. You can PM me if you want.