Testing and pushing limits

[kikimo]

BPD is new to me. I'm still learning. I'd like hear examples of how the BPD person in your life tests your limits.

For 3 weeks straight, my UBPDBF has contacted me to set up a meeting, then a few hours later cancels. I mean, sometimes I feel like he is just treating me as an option, but I'm really think he is testing me. Why set up a meeting at all and risk the disappointment otherwise?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[LoveLove]

I know from my experience and what I've read from others, they pull away when they sense they have gotten too close. And the fact that he sets up a meeting and then cancels - it's because he wants to be in control. They feel that if they lose control, then everything will simply fall apart around them. I am still learning myself, so I can't give advice... . but I know it's frustrating... . stay strong.

[an0ught]

Hi kikimo,

BPD is new to me. I'm still learning. I'd like hear examples of how the BPD person in your life tests your limits.

For 3 weeks straight, my UBPDBF has contacted me to set up a meeting, then a few hours later cancels. I mean, sometimes I feel like he is just treating me as an option, but I'm really think he is testing me. Why set up a meeting at all and risk the disappointment otherwise?

this is a not unusual (on this board), highly irritating behavior. However I would not see it as testing your limits even if it feels like your patience is tested. Limit testing is more related to boundaries.

Now what is going on here? He is trying to set up a meeting and then he is chickening out. Most likely fear is overwhelming him. The constant chickening out will also erode his self esteem which in turn makes it even harder to stand by his decision to have a meeting.

What can you do?

1) This is mostly a communication problem in conjunction with his currently very unstable emotions. Validation of fear and possibly even shame may help him sticking to his original plans. When talking to him showing that you understand he is afraid after such a long time to have a meeting and how difficult it is for him to go to such a meeting could be a first step.

2) Boundaries. Giving him every day an opportunity to set up a meeting and cancel it may not be the wisest. Read up on boundaries and consider alternatives e.g. limiting his ability to block your whole life by giving only selected time slots. Your time has also value. Keep in mind however that boundaries also separate and it sounds your link is quite fragile. Be very clear in your mind about your priorities.

What do your think?

[kikimo]

I appreciate both replies, and they are both very helpful. I did see him 2 days ago. I pretty much sent him a message stating in more words that I hadn't seen him for several weeks, and it was getting hard on me. He immediately made plans to see me then.

He was in a rather good mood, and being much more optimistic than he was about 5 weeks ago. He actually had changed his whole "I'll end up alone in a crappy house" routine, for he is saving up for a good house, or to go back to school.

It's so strange how every time I'm with him, I feel like I'm meeting him again for the first time. It's like each time, he is someone different, and I never know who to expect. Does that make any sense?

And yes, I need to read more about boundaries! My time is very important to me, and it's so disappointing to get ready to meet him, and then him cancel or sometimes, not even show up :-/.

[Leap]

kikimo I have been married to my dBPDw for over 11 yrs and the one solid piece of information I can give you above all else is that every day is different (even sometimes every hour can be different).  Trying to figure out what motivates someone with BPD is like trying to figure out the meaning of life.  My best piece of advice to you would be to continue to learn and educate yourself about this illness which will enable you to better understand your bf, but you will probably never fully understand him.  Like I have told my BPDw many times they are a mystery, wrapped in a riddle, wrapped in an enigma

[kikimo]

Thanks Leap for the advice and details. I guess the variations can be a double edged sword.

I'm a little curious about people with BPD pressuring others to behave badly. I've noticed that my BF is always offering drinks, porn, etc... I'm not a big drinker at all, and I'm def not into porn. Sometimes it's like he is "peer pressuring" me into it. I find it weird since we are in our 30s!